a good heart is not enough anymore.
a good heart is not enough.
a heart is not enough.
heart is not enough.
heart not enough.
not enough.
not.

Earth Day is upon us, and some of you may not be aware that this ode to environmentalism is officially "Over the hill" this year. make sure you are up to speed with what you can do to help out Mother Earth this year. Here, i wrote a list, not influenced at all by Alcohol WHATSOEVER.


Awesoem ways to celebrate Earth day 40. By Livingdead, a true American.


Dispose of waste properly... out the car window.

chop down a tree

Huff xylene and then dump it in a creek

Dynamite fishing

Eat a bunch of hamburgers, like 60 of them

Throw away 57 hamburgers after a couple of bites

Shoot deer, take antlers, leave the corpse to rot

Smoke an Asbestos Joint (woohoo 4/20+2! Duuuude.)

Make a hairspray blowtorch

Burn a bunch of foam cups with your awesome hairspray blowtorch

Make a Slayer/Tupac Mashup CD, play it at full volume and hope the resonance kills some bacteria or something

Wrestling contest/Wet t-shirt party with 10 W40

Light a candle and read with it. get pissed off, and turn on every light in the house

Flush your toilet every 30 mintues

Buy a SUV and run over a bunch of CFL bulbs on the beach

Attach a Buick v8 engine to a chainsaw, rename it Fucksaw. (thanks cracked!)

Make a "HAPPY EARTH DAY TWO THOUSAND AND TEN" poster, using one piece of bleached white paper for every letter

Send some old electronics to a third world country

Buy a pint of Zebra Mussels and chuck them into your river

Spray for honey Bees

Make a Coffee Mug out of Depleted Uranium and give it to a friend

Turn your Heater to 88(FUCK YEAH SOME RACE DRIVER WHOOO), or your AC to 55(WHOOO SOME OTHER RACE DRIVER WHOO TOBY KIETH!)

and most importantly, remember: Holidays are about forcing everyone to do the same thing. Make sure you do your part.

There is no Honor is being the outcast.

when I look with an honest vision, and i see those that have mattered to me...The few that have truly mattered to me.... are doing better without your romantic influence, it's heartbreaking. you try not to think about it. you push it out of your mind with whatever forces you can muster: mine being rage and anger, and maybe, sometimes it works. you stop thinking about it and it stops bothering you. but that's only for the ones who didn't mean much. the ones that did.... well, that's another matter.

You think about all the little things that mattered. and the things that didn't but should have. you try to tell yourself you did all you could. but there's doubt and uncertainty. so, you fight. you fight to the bitter fucking end, and in the end... it will not matter. hate is your weapon, and Anger your shield. and you can destroy ANYTHING. but in this war, they're useless. No matter how big and tough and willing to do whatever it takes to save this, you've already lost against an enemy that no matter how superior your forces are, they've got what matters, whatever that may be, and you don't.

you fight, still. because this means something. while lost on anyone else, this is very real and tangible and there are extreme consequences if you lose this. you're too stubborn or too stupid or too blind to see it any other amicable way.

This path, no matter how right you may feel about it, leads only to one outcome: Exile.

No longer welcome in any sense, you sear with rage unleashed. Cast out from everything you have sacrificed so much for, you nurse a cold bitterness in the pit of your stomach, fed by alcohol and smoke and regret. Soon it takes over the most vulnerable organ: your heart. it becomes poisoned, envenomed to the point that you no longer want love and joy and all that bullshit that everyone else seems to be having and loving and living. you just want to seethe over tattered memories as you return to all that you once were and hate, hanging on day to day by bare threads in a world that turned it's back on you, and so you turned yours on it.

And while you drink deep from the waters of Hatred, you can't help but to notice just over the lip of the bowl... how better they have done without you. a new promotion, a new love, a life ahead of them that they couldn't imagine anything else.

Maybe you were the cancer all along. how does that feel? to be the tumor to those you Loved so very much? So you Drink more. Quaffing and gulping down that fire that does no good, but is all that can sustain you in these times. Emotions, at least the good ones, like love and whatnot, are luxuries you can no longer afford.

Nobody's gonna save you.

No one's riding up and saying you were the one all along.

It really is you against the world.

And they, despite your best attempts... are winning.



There is no Romance in being the Outcast.

Four months since I lost this war.

An eternity since I told myself once again, "This is the price i promised myself i would pay".
Not to play the part of the victim.

Just an honest appraisal of events since transpired.

Hate and anger. it was supposed to destroy me in the end.

Funny. Hate and anger is all that has kept me alive now.

I know you are there. Just beyond the digital haze that has settled. Just beyond that wall that i helped build and you reinforced. Can you even hear me anymore? Would what I say matter? Would I'm sorry ever fit in this context? Would I ever hear it from you? This is just as much yours, as it is mine.

So sorry.
So sorry I wear my hurt so openly for so long.
You would have missed it otherwise i fear.
I'm not clever enough to mix it subtlety in with some hip band's lyrics that you'd "get".



Or have you forgiven yourself completely? Do you just come occasionally, just to pat yourself on the back and say "Well, i gave it my all, but he's fuckin crazy. No hope for him." Does it help you sleep at night? Because my bed's still cold (is yours?) Yet I still burn with endless rage. Burned into my head, that thought of the other. The other who enjoys you late into the night. Wears your stink. Pulled you up onto your knees. Talked down to you. Made me feel second-rate.

Denied me what was mine for so long.

Dead eyes see clearly; as they move through a life that was not supposed to be theirs. A body moves through the ether; going through the motions but not believing this was to be it's fate. Dying lips smile politely, lying to everyone about how they feel because what they feel is not wanted.

You tell me.

You.
Tell.
Me.


How was it worth it?

How do you absolve this?

all these years on
I'm still looking for answers in the dust of what was.
Hoping there was still something there.
because i need something there.
Something.
Anything.


This fallen champion, This disgraced hero.
He needs a reason to continue.



he's running out of excuses.

Today is my birthday. I am 31.

So here's an update.