You see them in everything. It's like you look for them. Meaning. Hoping to find a method to the madess. Always trying to find the conspiracy that isn't there, because you need to be able to explain it to yourself. You have to have that reason. Things just can't be. X matches with Y. Y matches with Z. Z matches with W, which matches with X. Over and over again, coincidence dosen't seem to exist in your vocabulary anymore.

Why do you do it? Because of what can happen? Hate to tell you this, buddy. You can't stop it if it does, anyway, so stop preparing already. You only make things worse in the long term, and you agonize in the short term. And I am so goddamned tired of you agonizing. 'Well what about this? dosen't this mean anything? and that! that's gotta mean something! what is it?' Fuck, enough already. And you wonder what your problem is. You yourself say we only got one chance at this whole game, and yet you continue to worry about the bigger implications. mole hills or mountains, pal. Decide. You can't have it both ways.

Maybe you're the one who wants to run. Scared of the unknown absolutes that no matter how hard you try, you just can't make sense. So easy to give in and put yourself in this kind of circumstances because you fear the alternative. oh, not scared? Just tired of it? Hmm. aren't we all? And just what have you done that you so rightly deserve such rewards? OH, you've survived. Well let me get you a fucking medal.

Fuck it. you aren't even listening to me. Go sob some more. That'll really help out.

Maybe you are finally going crazy.
At least you'd have an explanation.

And it runs deeper than you dare to dream it could be

In case you haven't noticed, I've not been doing much in the way up updating as of late. I have things to write about, but I find myself catching myself from writing it, thinking "Will it be good?" "Will so-and-so take it the wrong way?" "is it funny?" and other questions.

I also have a certain formula I do with writing updates, and I think the very formula is stifling me.

Hell, let's be honest, I'm stifling myself.

Third Shift in a factory is a lonely existence for me. I never realized how much of a social creature I am in my past jobs. Being a literal cog-in-the-machine, I have about 8 hours where I do nothing but think since the hands are on auto-pilot. When I'm not overanalyzing stuff with the girl, preparing myself for conversations and crazy, blown out of proportion situtations with the girl that never materialize outside of my own paranoid head, how much I miss being social with my customers, and how I feel severely underutilized at my job(if you knew my job, my pay, and my experience, you'd scream "What the fuck are you doing there?!?!?!", Too), I think about how I miss writing out the stories in my head, or the things that are on my mind. That takes me on a different avenue, to where I imagine a whacked-out future where I actually make a litle bank being a writer of stories. I have about 4 books(or at least pretty damn decent teleplays) in my head written at the moment just from the last 3 weeks of work. And I don't want it to stop.

I've been opening up my experiences musically, too. Finding inspiration in new stuff, sampling this and that from the girlfriend's collection, and expanding on others I heard a lot on Groove Salad, and Sirius Chill and during my last tenure at the Liquor store. Getting some reading in too, mostly books I have had for a while and couldn't get the time to finish, or picking up the rare new book that I feel like I can splurge on. It feels good to be developing my palate after not doing so in over a year. It's all feeding into driving me a bit more.

Now, you're probably going "What the hell? this sucks! COME ON, fucking dance already, cowboy!" Yeah, you're probably right. Hold the fuck on, already.

You see, I realized that things for me, while they aren't quite ideal yet, they're getting there, slowly. Now, given, when I first started doing updates back in aught-3, I was also in a particulary okay place. I wrote, and I covered things that interested me, but I didn't... write, and I don't feel like I truly started to pour myself out until the bottom dropped out. Granted, I look back on some of the stuff I did post and go "Jesus, what an emo fag" and want to tear it all down, but... I don't. Not becuse I want to leave a permanent Internet Memorial to lost love or think everything I shit out on here is fried fucking gold, but becuase it marks where things were at the time. It's a part of my history, and I can't and wouldn't change it. It does, However, clash with the more recent upbeat goings-on.

So, what I'm leading into is that the site is in a sort of a spiritual dichotomy. It was built on me being dejected and bleak, not having that feeling of hope for what tomorrow brings. It grew under the purpose of me venting my anger and self-hatred out into the world, of finding that kindred, self-destructive part in you that has been there before and remember how/what you felt, or for those who haven't been there, and wanted to watch a flame burn itself out. I wanted to be your mirror, or that horrible statue you just keep gawking at, wondering who in thier right mind would have sculpted that.

Not to piss on my own happiness, but Goddamnit, that's what i'm good at. I used to be awesome at fucking things up for myself. I'm great at generating volumes of worthless hatred for whatever's got me hacked off today. Throw a healthly Seasoning of What-a-fucking-Weirdo, bake at 375 Degrees for an hour, and ta-da! An TAOSD update. And now, I struggle with the very concept, it seems. I have happy, sometimes a bit fucking weird, things to talk about, but nothing there that seems to be what I used to write about. I even toyed with renaming the blog. The concept of Self-Destruction dosen't seem to be in these pages these days. But Mr. Reznor hasn't sued me yet, and I like the title.

And despite what it sounds, i'm not whining about how I feel I have lost that creative edge and need something to make me feel shitty in order to recapture it. Quite the opposite. I feel more creatively inspired than I have in a long time. I have quite the inspiring Muse to draw off of. My problem, of late, has been time, and how to frame what I got within the context of the blog without giving all three of you readers the feeling that I've jumped the shark and have nothing further to offer except puppies that shit sunshine out thier asses.

Then I got all Ving Rhames and said "Fuck y'all. I write what I want." So... if you're still following at this point, here's what I've come to, i think.

I'm going to write, just to write, and keep the noose of self-censure off my neck as much as I can. less Lawful Good, more Chaotic Neutral. As it should have been all along before I got myself caught up in whatever self-restraint I was doing trying to pander to a varied audience for validation. I'm gonna let it take me for a ride, not worry if anyone else hitched on, and see where the hell I end up. The Idea, in theory, will let me stretch my mental legs and get me back on this horse again. Things are going to be jumbled up a bit, and not everything is going to be presented as having a basis in fact with some sort of tragic or happy event that is going on in my life. Things may get obscure, or outright confusing. There may be in-jokes involved that only few or I get. I may ramble on and on about things that don't appear to have any sort of cohesion. Kind of like this whole wall of text.


I don't think it's supposed to anymore.



Don't think about all those things you fear
Just be glad to be here

Yeah, I know. Don't even say it. Real life has been rather... well... " Real lifey", I suppose.



Something I find to be at the same time complete utter bullshit and mysteriously intriguing is the idea of what kind of alcohol you drink influences your overall mood while consuming. Working where I do, you hear a lot of people swear off certain liquors because of previous encounters with said devil's drink. By way of a for instance, let's say Jager as it's a rather polarizing drink-you either LOOOOOOOVVVVVVE it, or ABSOLSUTELY FUCKING HATE it. I tend to be in the latter camp with Jager, unless I'm doing Liquod Cocaine shots, which as Suicidal Tendancies can Vouch for, I no longer do.(Hint: SQ2, option c)

Anyway, the false idea of behaviour being dictated by what you drink isn't exactly running new ground, I know, but even now and then I still find it interesting. It's like one of those little factlets you bring up in the midst of a three-hour conversation with a bunch of close friends, whilst enjoying each others company. That, or you use it as a cheap sort of introduction at the bar when you're trying to get into someone's pants.

And since I'm simultaneously friends with all of you AND trying to get into all of your pants, I thought it would be a proper topic to delve into.


Right now, I've been sipping on spiced rum for the past four hours, and I feel the overall notion of calmness and in tune with the harmonic balances of life, the universe, and everything. Which isn't me at all. Anyone who knows me(which means all of you) knows I tend to operate on the other end of the spectrum; Chaotic, Self-destructive, slovenly, perverse. It's weird to feel this calm and collected about things even when fears have put me in a state of worry about it collapsing into itself. I think rum is my calming, inviting drink. I think if I had a glass of rum a day, I would be more tolerable and liked. I seem to write better, too. Or at least want to write better. More controlled. Thinking. Less fucking cursing.


Whisky is my drink of choice when I have some hard thinking to do. Most people who seem to shy away from it do so because it fuels thier more primal, fighting instincts. I'm a scotch fan by nature, but Bbcause of my linage(Gma, Srly), I also enjoy a glass of Beam. Also, becuase I'm a Canadian Loving Faggot, I like the Crown. Whiskies, by my fuzzled memories, Make me feel tactiturn, decisive. I have to do this, or this. One or the other. No pussy-footing around. Sharp, if not always rational, decisions. They're prolly going to fuck up, but damnit, I have chosen this line and I will not back down.

When I drink cheap beer, I feel juvenile. Looking for the cheap, endocrine and hope-fueled thrill. DUDE LET'S PLAY MULTIPLAYER VIDEO GAMES. I LOVE BEER PONG. ASSHOLE! FUCK YOU! let's fight and make a film about it! it'd be so avant garde! I have such great ideas! how come no one really likes me? I try and try and try.... COME ON DRINK MOAR YOU CUNTS! I'M NOT DONE! I CAN DRINK 400 BEERS.... uugh... waitaminue... hey guys i gotta bow out, i'm not feelings so ho tihs I kniht m'I annog ekup-HHHHHHHGRRRRAELB.

Contrast with: Good(nee Expensive) Beer, which for the most part I enjoy in moderation(because there's so little of it) and somehow think I'm supposed to be better because I paid 4 bucks more for my six-pack than Johnny Drunkenstein paid for a case of Beast.


Wine is diffucilt to plot out. Again, for me there's the whole "I should be enjoying this because I paid 40 bucks for this bottle" that I really can't get into, especially when it's a dry red. Sweets are marginally better, but to be blunt about it, I like Electra red because it gets me totally horny, as does Pheasant Hollow's Black and Blue. And if there's a wine tasting party, you better belive I will be there, with my Riunite Lambrusco and SOLO cups. Obviously, I'm not invited to many wine parties since I either white trash it up or drink enough to make me want to screw a frigid lamp post. I know there's so much more to wine, and I promise if I ever get that into wine, I'll revisit it in mind-numbing detail in another post.

Vodka, which according to my completely scientific poll conducted at the store, is a close second to whisky as the "what makes for a bad drunk" award. I myself am really hit or miss with the vodak. I drank it in my younger days after high school but before I was legal and have used it sparingly since, since it either turns me into a Flying Tyrannosaurus Sex with, or a shell of a person. It all depends on Relationship status, really.

Gin is my new "Gentleman's drink". Scotch used to be my Gentleman's Drink until I realized I will never own a fireplace, wear a silk bathrobe, smoke pipe tobacco, read the Wall Street Journal and " Totally get it", or be in the 50's ever again. Also, I always ruined it by pouring my well aged single-malt scotch into a coke(I have since been corrected of this). I enjoy a Dirty Martini(or ten) and they make me feel a bit more snazzy. Gin and tonic works too. Not as classy-feeling, mostly because it's usually served in a soft plastic cup instead of the awesome martini glass, but still distinct enough(and i'm usually loaded enough to not care) to be okay with it. I don't quite feel suave, commanding, and in touch under the influence of gin, but I can pull off a rather good impression of a sober and rational person. I feel Smart. Smrt. I can talk and almost make Sense, except I still mangle up the english language in pronounciation. Lava Crocs.

Tequilas, Schnapps, Cognacs, Brandys, Liquers, and all the other weird stuff I'm still a bit out on. I don't drink enough of them to have an experience on them. I enjoy a dram of the Drambuie every now and then, but for the most part I consider it standard drunk fare. I don't really feel anything on it other than it is delish and I must have more. I do, however, still hate Absinthe. End of story.


So, Class, assuming you read all the way to here, you're assignment is this, should you so choose. What's your experiences? Bonus internet points if you experienced a full-on drunk on any of the things listed in the last paragraph that I have not.

Heat Miser

I'm drunk, so i'm pretty sure this is going to offend. consider this a warning on a website that already warns you i'm not family friendly.

This is what happens when I don't blog in a while, then try and type out a blog and waste too much time on it. I end up missing out on playing Warcraft before I go to bed and now I am too drunk to play warcraft, but still too awake to go pass out. hence, another blog. a blog of... hate. The apple HATES the bannana. hey that reminds me, I should try something for the blog carnival.

Anyway, now my mind is on overdrive and hacker Schorr(DRINK IT MY NUBIANS, AND REJOICE) and i have no structure. So anyway, thanks to cybrpunk for bringing this to my attention! I am Jack Thompson And i am still trying to be relevant! I hate Video games because they raped me and stole my lollipop! don't play them! Watch godTV and read boring-ass books and don't look at video games! they're the Debbil and they simulate MURDER and RAPE and OTHER GIANT HORRIBLE WORDS THAT SHOCK AND AWE YOU! I need massengil for my GIGANTIC HURTING CENTIPEDE-FILLED VAGINA.

you know who else pisses me off? Fred Phelps. i'm not even going to give that degenerate motherfucker a link. i think i hate him more than my neighbor or a certain Ex. Fred phelps hates gay people. I don't Gay people free up resourses that would otherwise be unavailbale to me or my gender. also, some of them are cool. women are not resources. i know this. I think Fred Phelps gets off on using the word "fag" as many times as possible in a sentence and combining it with other words to make his point. Fag-enabling faggots are fagfucking fagerica's faggot fucking fagsystem. that's pretty much fred phelps, other than the requisite "You are all fags and are going to hell except me and my fag-hating family. we're cool with jesus somehow." jesus hung around with a bunch of dudes. fuck fred phelps and fuck his stupid cult church. I hope gay robots fuck you to death. you are a good reason why I hate religion and believe in nothing and have Nightmares about Bannanas!BWAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!!!!!elevenzors!

BUT HEY, did you know that not all is lost? according to a completely fucked up nonscientific study most likely funded by the same group endorsing it: Focus on the Family. fuck them too. fuck your "we want america to be just like what we think it should be" bullshit. conform. obey. consume. sleep. if religious mediation can make a gay man straight, Then if I mediate religiously enough, I could make Jessica Beil and my girlfriend make out? And then I get to watch and make Sexy time? right? right?

RAWWWWKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!! COCK ROCK POWERS UNITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'm gonna go act like an asshole in second life now. cuz that's how I roll, yo. ther's lot's of spelling errors i'm sure. and i'm sure i don't care right now.



it's the american way
it's the american me
it's the american you

Hey, Resident evil Extinction in 2 days! whoo-hoo!

Dear Southern Illinois,

Please get a fucking theater that will play "Diary of the Dead" when it comes out.


I used to be cool on the net, then I stopped updating all the time. I should totally gyp you on this update and go play Warcraft or Second Life because that would be the hipster thing to do.

But I wont do that to you, my ever-suffering three readers. I'll try and hammer out something to consume.


So, okay, allow me to explain at least some of the absence. Work, obviously is one of the reasons. Warcraft is another. and I also Sparks came down to visit a couple of weeks ago, so I was all busy with that. Sorry, Internets. Also, not much to talk about with the Sparks visit because anymore. I don't really like talking publicly much about what me and her do for a couple of reasons. One, everybody else does that, and I'm not everybody else. since an S.O. is a significant portion of one's life, stuff that goes on with said S.O. is going to make it on teh blizzogs and I don't blame anyone one damn bit. But not here. I hope. Okay, at least not in major capacity. There's only so much happy sappy I can do and this isn't the place for it. well, it is if I want it to be, but you get the idea. Secondly, I was very public in the past about all the little shit that me and the The Ex did(which is why I can't necessarily slam anyone for writing about what they did with thier said S.O.) all that shitting rainbows, kittens, and skipping down the golden brick road was dreck(not the experiences, but writing about every little detail like that). Nevermind the also very public slow-motion apocalypse that dragged on for the better half of three years after said glory times had drawn to an end. I should take some of it down, but I am a fan of snapshots. Every now and then, I go back and read what i wrote at that time and see how things were. taking it down now after so long would not only change my perceptions, but also wreck up the place with a form of censorship.

Fuck, none of that is making sense. drinking and typing woot woot. how about this: most of the "Me and Sparky" stuff will be private. my own little things I keep to myself. think Tom hanks in "saving private Ryan" and you'll get what i mean. I'm sure though, that will be be fucking hard to do once i move up there. Maybe this atrosity of a website/blog/whatEVA-I-DO-WHAT-I-WANT will turn into a U.S. Variation of a sort in time. who knows, but i'll try my best not to.

I am, however, bound by oath to say this for all the Internetzorz to see: Sparky kicked the everliving shit out of me at Tony Hawk Drunk and without even breaking a sweat. I, however, swore a lot and woke up Gma, who nearly devoured me in her robotic mouth-parts as i slumbered.

Anywho, less explaining and more yelling at clouds, weird shit and net memes, which is what you came here for AM I RITE?

I went with Hooter last saturday to Just One More and saw this band. i think i have cancer now, thanks to them.

You see, they did alright for the most part, so i'll give them that. I wasn't paying too much attention, as I was just along for the ride whilst Hooter played Catchup with her friends.

About 5 songs in, they played a god-awful version of "Closer" which made me want to kick newborns. But since that's assuredly illegal, I went and grabbed a beer to try and dull my senses. Hooter knew that despite how much of a rabid fan I am of Nails, that 1) I fucking hate that song after hearing it 12 kajillion times, and 2) I especially hate shitty covers of Nails songs and was having a laugh at my expense. I guzzle down a couple of stags, and try to forget, making nice with her friends. Then they played a bad version of "The Hand that Feeds", and found myself wishing I could have a heart attack and ruin the entire night as it had been done for me. Not too long after that, I made Hooter take me back to my car before I started knifing people at random.

I need to get up to Springfield soon. I have to the lay down a slap on Mick on Worms Armegeddon. YEAH YOU HEARD ME. CAPS LOCK IS K-RAD!

Okay, I think that's my quota for this one. enjoy. Another later today. I hope.


Yall don't know what it's like
Being male middle-class and white

A robot rape happens every 26 seconds.

I think "The Atari Gangrape" would be the greatest band name ever.

with apologies to the former other Atari band , of course.

Bill Cosby Took some interesting pictures for his records back in the day.

If young people would get out and do the voting thing, Barak Obama would be president with all the hype he's got going.

I am not a political pundit though.

And the internet has been wrong before.

Just look at Snakes on a Plane.

Which I still haven't seen yet god damnit.

Oh, burn.

If you're going to call me ugly, you damn well better be a looker yourself.

I'm willing to bet my girlfriend is hotter than you anyway.

And what are you doing whistling at me in the middle of the night, anyway?

Skank.

Don't be a dick when I don't hear you order cigarettes when you mumble like you have a dick in your mouth.

Leatherface. You fakebaked too much.

Now you're ugly.

This makes me giggle.

Robot rape is always funny to me.

And the circle is completed, in short sentance stanzas.

Extreme, man. EXXXTRRREEEEEMMMMMEEEEEEE.

Black Light Rituals

A quick one. I'm on dayshift this week, and it's fucking with my thought processes.

Guy comes in last week while I'm eating. Buys some liquor, and decides to educate me on my dinner.

Now, I'm one of those people who dosen't like to talk much when I'm eating. I want to eat, enjoy it, and get it over with without too many people staring at me and going "Oh my god! that guy is disgusting! no wonder he's a fucking fatass!" When in an envrioment where there's almost no privacy(i.e. work), I tend to get defensive with my food. one guy nearly got shanked with a pen once, And I tend to literally growl like a dog when someone starts hovering near my food at work. Some would probably see that as being too aggressive, but I look at it this way: If you're stupid enough to stick your fingers in a fat kid's food when they're eating, then you deserve to lose a finger because he mistakens it for a floating hot dog.

Anyway, back to the story. I just want to get back to sucking on the chicken bones like a ghoul, but the retarded offspring of Richard Simmons and Humpty Dumpty is standing there I guess trying to be funny and smart.

"Hey, did you know that KFC puts hormones in thier food that causes impotency in men? Hope you didn't want any kids!" He says matter-of-factly with a "Heh heh, fatass" look on his face.

Smirk. "Thanks for the heads up." Then a cold expression washes over my face. "Oh, by the way, that pint of Calvert you buy daily? Liv-ver fail-ure. Have a good one." Nod.

And I did exactly what I wanted to do - Turned back to licking the marrow of the poor chicken who was murdered for my fast-food feast. Yum.

Oh yeah, did anyone read the Letters to the Editor in the southern today? go read it the Last letter. I wish I was that... talented.



I hate to be the bearer of bad news
But you're gonna die

*Crack of knuckles*

Let's see. Recap. Sort of.

First and foremost, I am a 70 now. fear me for soon I shall deal out butthurt aplenty for the lulz with my imaginary bad ass self.

Work has continued to be work. sometimes it's okay, most of the time it's ruined by the grating sound of some of our most "prescious" customers walking in. Sorry. I meant "retards who should consider sterilization".

You know how every so often people kick around ideas that there should be a license for parenting? well, I have a similar idea with Being allowed to drink.

"But Livingdead", you begin to whine, "You do sort of kinda get a license to dirnk when you turn 21! isn't that enough?" BZZZZT. WRONG. GO BACK THREE SPACES AND LOSE YOUR TURN.

You see, I believe it should be less an age restraint and more of a merit-based thing that allows you to drink. More Specifically, you have to line up before a panel of judges who construct a trial to determine wheter or not one would be granted a license to drink. This would, in theory, let in generally fair minded people who would then be invited afterwards to enjoy thier first legal beer at the country club golf course with the judge to rock it in with style. Those who are generally socially retarded to begin with(i.e., buy beer instead of food or paying rent, act like a total dumbass without being intoxicated, or have multiple felonies) would be given a swift kick in the sack and sent along the way to go beat thier baby's momma or go do some low-grade meth or whatever. Also, hopefully I would get a sweet well-paying job on said panel and ruin all kinds of people's fun because sometimes, being a wet blanket for the masses is fun, dickheaded thing to do.

It's just a thought, But I got a couple samples of trial questions hashed out.

SQ1. When drinking, which is NOT okay to do?

a) Laugh heartily at a joke

b) Play a rousing game of asshole

c) Start a riot

d) Get trashed, beat your wife, get the neighbors to call the police on the you, then try to cash a two-party paycheck at a liquor store to bail out your wife, who, by the looks of it, Railed the shit out of you instead, and then act all pissy when they don't cash said two-party payroll check.

SQ2. What, in your opinion, constitutes "Too Much to drink"?

a) Getting a bit too light-headed from all the swill you call "beer".

b) "Pulling the trigger"(i.e. vomiting) in a bar after taking your ninth shot of Jager.

c) Choking up a Liquid Cocaine shot all over the barcounter, then meekly asking for a bartowel in front of a dozen seasoned drinkers who now think you are a total pansy.

d) Defecating and urinating in your sleep all over your very expensive sheets you bought because you wanted to impress that lady you see at the bar every week if you got the chance to take her home, but you notice the entire left-half of her teeth are rotted away, so you drink yourself into a complete stupor to forget the pain of being utterly alone.

SQ3. Bobby, Sam and Gina have 10 dollars each. they go to the supermarket to purchase alcohol for a party they are having. which is the proper way to buy alcoholic supplies for everyone?

a) Pool resources together and buy a 3 1.75's of cheap liquor. everybody gets smashed, good times are had. except for that one asshole who complains about how his colon is "intolerant to hard liquor", whom you will remember never to invite over again.

b) Buy a shit ton of cheap swill beer which everyone will complain about, but drink anyway.

c) Ask Gina to "Perform a favor" to get free booze to save money, even though she is clearly on the rag, has questionable mouth sores, and is underage for sexual relations.

d) Buy supplies for yourself, go back to the party and tell them to buy thier own goddamn alcohol.

SQ4. Is it okay to be a discourteous to the person serving you alcohol?

a). No. there is no reason to be uncourteous to someone who is working in customer service, as "the golden rule" is in play.

b) Yes. They're probably a tool anyway, and is going to complain on the internet about how much of a douche I'm being to them, so it all evens out.

c) No, Because the person serving me alcohol is my Current lord and master, and such divine creatures do not take kindly to any shennagians us mere mortals may attempt to pull. they are the Gatekeepers, and the Keyholders to the promised land.

d) FUCK THAT ASSHOLE! GIVE ME MY GODDAMNED BEER! IT'S MY CONSTIPATIONAL RIGHT TO DRINK!

Now, I do my best to be a socially responsible drinker(BWAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA), but as it were, I would most likely fail my own rigid standards of the drinking exam. Naturally, i would do the responsible thing: say 'Fuck the System' for keeping a black man like me down, and drink illegally. that'll learn 'em.


Brainwashed with the hallucinagenics in my system

I'm back, bitches. not more shitty stoires and nonposts an vogon poetry and leaving you all hanging as to what is going on in my boring as fuck life.

more later. i must drink. it hath been a shitty week. i speaketh like old tyme kingsy fun timey.



hey by the way, thanks for going to go see my Movie. Drunk shitty MSPaintshop to make up for a month of THREE milktoast postings! LAUGH FUCKERS LAUGH DANCE MAGIC DANCE I'M A GODDAMN DAVID BOWIE IN MYT PANTS

later, eighties-style.



We learn dances
Brand new dances
Like the nuclear bomb

I wanted to post this like, two weeks ago, but I seem to be having all kinds of trouble keeping up on a regular basis. I hate not staying regular this this stuff because i end up forgetting anything cool that has happened in the past week. The ast thing I want you to do is think that I am ignoring you. I'm really not trying to, I'm just having problems with time.


So, the reunion came and went. Nothing special to talk about. I got trashed, and ended up getting talked into going out to cotton's, which lasted for about ten minutes. I had a bottle of water while I was out there, and called in a chip for someone to come get me as I was uncomfortably Drunk(i.e. I was about to eject all that prescious beer I drank). Was good to see people I haven't seen in a long time, and i wish i would have had the foresight to get some phone numbers off of people so I could call them up at drunk o' clock in the morning.



Okay, I'm lying. There is something that did happen at the reunion that I was glad that happened.


I settled the past with a couple.


It had been something that has been more or less unsaid for about the last six months to a year, but we went ahead and made it offical. I always imagined it being much more cataclysmic as that seems to be my style with dealing with exes, but it really wasn't. there was catching up with each other families, how shitty our old places of work are becoming, lamenting on how Brandocrap dosen't work further south, how much i miss playing spades and getting fucked over by said Brandocrap, all intersparced with much needed doses of getting shit off my chest, burying the axe and starting the process of letting it rust.


cybrpunk is doing some zombie fiction of his own. I'm waiting for day 3. maybe if all three of my faithful go over there, he'll keep with it. come on readers, I feed on this zombie stories and if Neil had any other way than paypal, I would totally have long since made my donation to up my allowed reads per week. Anyway, boring shit for the most of you, I'm sure.


Once again had a run-in with another guy who was helping the poor people who are stuck in the 3rd world country of Japan. This time, I didn't get asked if I knew where Japan was, though. Still had the same flier with LARGE INSPIRATIONAL WORDS on it, though. No chintzy bracelets this time, though.

Since I'm running familar ground, I'm going to go ahead and call North a flat-out liar(P.S. I like you, seriously), as No ID girl came in yet again and failed to produce an ID. Except now she's almost 23 and can't believe that I'm still carding her. boo fucking hoo. If she would have had her ID this would all be done and over with by now, but carrying an ID in her white trash daisy dukes along with her cash is appearantly too fucking complicated of a concept for her. Or, MAYBE she's a Sleeper Cell terrorist that is looking to bomb the Rend Lake Dam now that the lake has become a Wonder of Illinois, complete with David Phelps and Ken Gray singing God Bless America. Which I don't understand at all. I mean, I get why Gray was there, and politicians in general, but WTF with the patriotic hymn? I mean, God and Jesus didn't create it, it's man-made. poorly, I might add. but hey, it's drinkable and it gives me a place to go when I'm pissed off and want to be alone. I'll save my "I'm not a Lake Engineer but this is FUBAR'd" critique for another blog.


ANYWAY, back to NO ID girl, If I knew her name(which I don't because, well, you should be able to figure that out), I'd totally nominate her for the female catagory of the 1st annual " Livingdead's Customers Who Deserve Centipedes in thier Vagina and/or Dickhole" award. I already have a very good front runner for the Female category though with another demonic bitch of a customer. Maybe she's a shemale and I need to expand my categories. Anyone willing to take one for the team and find out? I won't tell if you won't.



Also, remember the 90's flowchat? I found out where that came from. Go check it out if you're into geek humor and stick figures. I'll stick it into Linkage soon enough. as soon as I find time. Also, photo album is seriously needing to be added(which I know by now is turning into a long running joke, but like Zapp Brannigan, I do plan to finish someday).

As Commentors know, I had to turn on the "approval required" option for commenting a while back to combat blog spam. I'm cautiously glad to report that i haven't been spammed at all in the last week and a half. I would love nothing more than to let down the gaurd and allow anything to go through without approval, but before I do... I want to hear how anyone else who has had this problem has been faring. I know most people on bloghorn have thiers taken care of almost automagically, but if you run a blog and could spare some time to drop a comment or an email, let me know.

boy, did I go on a rambling yarn. covered a lot of ground. Time for sleepzors. Or warcraftzors. or further hacking apart my chocolatezors. Or maybe doing something useful with all the spare computer parts I got laying around. Zors.


America
FUCK YEAH
Coming again to save the mother fucking day yeah

chillin with the D-O-double-G and Gee Oh Dee,
drinking V.S.O.P.
on the LBC
Boyz II Men
ABC
BBD
the East coast family!

plagurizing two different genres of early 90's music will not get me into The Source anytime soon.



I've been off work for an hour and a half and i'm well on my way to getting trashed. I'm working crazy hours this week and bringing in mad duckets, Yo. WTF ever happened to that arcade place? anyway, so while the manager is away, i'm on dayshift. this should be easy, right? well. sort of. first off, there's a giant burning ball in the sky that instantly gets me grumbling on my way to work. today wasn't so bad, as it was overcast. i was still grumbling, as i had closed the night before and didn't get out till 1am. this isn't always a problem, but I had to be there to open at 7:45, which turns getting out late into a litnany of 'fucks' from yours truly.

today I had probbaly four main things to accomplish without burning the store down accidentally or otherwise. things that once you sit down and get to it(or if you've done it a jajillion times before), should only take you about an hour. it took me seven. everytime i would get started and timidly step into the exciting world of entering product into inventory into our venerable database, I would get a customer. one would lead to two, and two into four, and pretty soon you have fucking tribbles and gremlins all over the goddamn place. every time I would finish one P.O, i'd get another delivery, and each company doesn't exactly have carbon-copy invoices. forms. sheets that stuff is on. whatever.

so back to hunt and pecking in what we got from whomever, doing everything i can to keep from entering in 5000 cases of grenadine @ 2999.99 cost. Then the customers come back in, and once again, I have fucking tribbles and gremlins.

so yeah. I will say that i needed the break from my regulars. last night i had another run in with No id girl and i wanted to chokefuck her with a broken everclear bottle because i'm a really horrible person and wish such things on people sometimes.

I would fully support a law that would allow anyone in retail the ability to shoot someone in the crotch once a day with a taser with no reprucussions. people would be a hell of a lot nicer if there was the chance that the person behind the counter hadn't used thier daily freebie. but since i live in the land of pussies and we just passed a law that bans indoor smoking in public places(except casinos, of course. they make money for the state and a majority of patrons there smoke, so they're cool. which is fucking horseshit), i don't see that ever becoming a reality. don't bother commenting, emailing, or flaming me about my stance on the smoking issue. you're not going to chance my mind, and I'll just think you're an even bigger pussy. you win. I get it. I can't actively kill you anymore. I'll get over it or I'll find another way.

I like Edgy Eft, but I am ready to take a ride on the Fiesty Fawn. anyone got an opinon on it yet?

Anyway, So most of you got to meet Sparky at Bradley's Wedding(which was awesome, by the way), and i apologize for not getting face time with everyone and doing formal introductions. she's Shy and I have a track record about as good as my updating routine of late about doing the introduction thing. I don't think she's going anywhere, so you'll get your chance, I am sure.

Fuck. I just ruined a brand new tie in the wash. god damn it.

goddamn this hacker pschorr is fucking awesome.



i really want to write more, but now that i am rather soundly sloshed, i'm going to go get on WoW and spam "WTB 2 man suicide Molten Core run" on the channels. or get on as my hot blood elf and promise virtual sex for gold. wait. that's second life. or something like that. Maybe i'll kill more people In GTA liberty city stories. I don't care. I'm drunk enough to where i'm ready to fright someone, rip thier nuts off, eat them raw, then shit them down said person's throat. All you motherfuckers are gonna pay. You are the ones who are the ball-lickers. I told u I was hardcore.


And there you have it. Yet another xoxxed.com, The art of Self-Destruction, Livingdead's Blog, what the fuck ever you call it, update. Made in Fucking Southern Illinois. Fucking made in Southern Illinois. Made in Southern Fucking Illinois. Made in Southern Illinois fucking.



Erase me

Here is a some random shit i have been mulling over the past week, but haven't posted because i'm an asshole.


I kicked Brandocrap's ass 30 different ways in Wii-Play friday night. I absolutely murdered him in Laser Hockey and Shooting range. if me and brandocrap were inmates, and Wii-play was the prison, i'd totally be top dog right now. Don't even bother to listen to his half-ass excuse of how he was the one who owned me. My Gma was there. she saw it. The Only people who ever called my Gma a fibber died instantly when she gave her own version of the Medusa gaze.

then we played Taito Legends on my PS2 saturday. which I had fun, but someone was still pissed about losing and kept Shooting hostages in Space gun so we never got anywhere. the rest of the games were meh. I do want to go back and play Ninja Kids again though. that game has more laugh-a-minute appeal than anything i can remember in recent history.






Strength. For when I may not have it.

this dark path I have walked, I no longer fear. Some still do. some think this is not my calling. I know Now this is my path. this is what i was born, bred, and willing to die for. I no longer fear what lays in the darkness for me, for the darkness I no longer fear. My demons, my imperfections have become my weapons.

I will no longer be subdued, controlled, or kowtowed by what I think holds me back.

The darkness now fears me. as it should.

As it should always have been.




And here is what i am posting tongiht, as in stuff that has happened currenttly for me(i.e. Stuff that is actually interesting to read)


An actual conversation at Cotton's tonight that took place. I went because i was assured that two people that i knew were going to be there. also, i'm a people watcher and love to see drama. it's like my own free soap opera:

"hey babay, you look pretty sexy in that tie."

"thanks. it's what I wear to work."

"oh my, you must work a pretty nice job."

"no, i sling liquor, but I like to look nice for the customers."

"you don't even rememer who I am, do you?"

"i have no idea who tyhe hell you are. . I have one of those faces anyway, and I would swear that i've never seen you before tonight."

pause. contemplating.

"do you have any kids?"

"nope. made it this far without any, don't plan on having any yet. Do you?"

"yeah, I got one."

"cool. being a mother is a very positive thing i hear.

"want to be a daddy?"

"uh, what? Sorry, i'm H.O.H."

"what?"

I'm hard of hearing. what did you say?"

"I said.... Do you want to be a daddy?"

"uhm, No, not really. not that i wouldn't mind practicing, but I'm already locked up at the moment, sorry."

"what?"

"I said I am Dating someone. I don't think she would like it very much if i went and practiced without her knowing. or withour her, even. "

"OH, well i'll catch you later then."

"you do that. I'm going to keep drinking my Stag."


hmm. Guess you'll have to see what i mean by that.

that is, if you even give a damn as to what I mean.




I've been gone so long
so gone so long

Work is work.
I nearly renounced my Atheism on account of a customer who just wouldn't leave.
I really have to try to like people sometimes.
Love life sucks, still and seemingly forever.
My Walls have been rebuilt.
Spent 5000 fake dollars gambling in my fake life.
I lost 20 bucks of my very real money.
That was a bad idea.
I wanted to do an April Fool's Update.
I didn't have time.
Next Year, flag semaphore.
Maybe.
Brandocrap would shove Jesus for A chance with Kari Byron.
I would murder all of you if I had the same chance.
Or even for a passable look-a-like.
I'm Morally Questionable.
I don't mind that so much anymore.
My Throskie is only a 63 :( and wears outdated gear.
Year Zero is absoludicriously fucking awesome.
You knew I would say that.
Alanis Morissete does My Humps.
you've probably Seen it.
Tori Amos does Raining Blood.
You should hear the Classic first.
I'm a future 419 Scam victim.
I could go on and on.
Getting the fuck outta here on a one day trip.
All work and no play something something something.



Here, I Haven't done one of these in nearly forever. Enjoy.

Read/Watch/Listen/Play:

Promise of the Witch-King; R.A. Salvatore.
300; Gerard Butler, Rodrigo Santoro, Vincent Regan.
Collected; Massive Attack.
God of War 2; Sony Computer Entertainment of America.




Nothing's right if you ain't here
I'd give all that i have just to keep you near

Ohh
Can't anybody see?
We've got a war to fight
Never found our way
Regardless of what they say

How can it feel this wrong?
From this moment
How can it feel this wrong?

Storm.. in the morning light
I feel
No more can I say
Frozen to myself

I got nobody on my side
And surely that ain't right

Surely that ain't right

Ohh
Can't anybody see?
We've got a war to fight
We've Never found our way
Regardless
Of what they say

How can it feel
This wrong?
From this moment
How can it feel
This wrong?

How can it feel, this wrong?
This moment
How can it feel, this wrong?

Ohh
Can't anybody see
We've got a war to fight
I've never found our way
Regardless of what they say

How can it feel
This wrong?
From this moment
How can it feel
This wrong?


Portishead - Roads

Not a lot of sense to be made in this post. empty sounds of hate, i suppose.


This is what it has come to. Emotions, Moderatedly-Priced beer and rancid wine has brought me to this level.


I done what i can to heal. I have bled, lost, and worn the scars i have brought upon myself. AS one of my favorite games WHICH YOU MOTHERFUCKERS WHO PLAY GAMES SHOULD CHECK OUT has said "Endure. in enduring, grow strong."

I have grown tired of such endeavors.


I have bled till my veins run dry and it mattered not. I have and am enduring all that has been thrown my way. I have loved, lost(by my own accord), and tried to make sense of what is supposed to come next, and been told that "this too shall pass". Frankly, I am tired of being told to wait till when it is my time to come back again. Constanhtly i am reminded of when i will have my day and never seeing even a glimpse of such promised light. I endure. and i wait. I wait with such baited breath for some sense to make of it all. I hope beyond hope that it will make sense in the end. But as i am only human, i have run out of patience.

I have tried to believe that someone, no matter how horrible and worthless they are, is worth a second chance to another. I can't belive it anymore. I can only believe, much like the lifetime convict, How ironic or ironicly fitting that i sti;; be held accountable for what i have done in the past.


This whole situtation is fucking ironic and ties into the past that still ahunts me so much. it seems sometimes that i am the nonly one that thinks of what has passed to influence tha present. is that so wrong? IS it really such a crime to remember what you have done influence what you do now? Maybe most wouldsay that such things do not matter, but it does to me. I can't seem to escape it, even if i wished to bury it under a ton of dirt.

I opened myself up so such things, and have no one to blame for it but myself. and still it hurts. Yo uspend so much time sealing yourslef off to the rest of the world after failing so horribly. You activley tell other that would offer you comfort in the hurricane that you are in that you aren't right for them, you begin to lose even the slightest sympathy or joy for anyone else.

I opened up for someone a while ago and i have been scorned for another. appearantly for someone who isn't as emotionally damaged or is prettier or is some kind of status booster or is just plain cooler than i am. I still appearantly am still paying for mistakes i made so long ago. how much more do i have to bleed for what i have done Wrong? i feel like i am paying twice over for what i've done once.

Is this dark path all i was bred for?
Is this all there is?
is this what I am supposed to be?

these, and othger questions can only be answered By those who I am the most reluctant to ask. It means swallowing all pride and Going back to what seems to be the source of all of this. It means2 delving into feelings i have done my goddamndest to bury inside of me.

I means going back to the light, and all that i hate. Going back to that specific crux that so much hung on. That part that hurts in so many ways still to this day.


and no, it is isn't God, Jesus, or the holy spirit or whatever invisible sky wizard you want to invoke.


and a preemptive fuck you for even suggesting or thinking i should turn to religion for my answers.



Now i wake to find
There's nothing left of me and her
Nothing more
Than a heart still at war

So, a Livingdead walks into a gay bar and hits on a woman.

Wait. Let me back up a bit.

Bundy and CarCar stopped in at work yesterday and CarCar invited me to go out with her and some of her college friends. I was all "Sounds Great!"

Then she told me they're going to the Upside Downtown in Carbondale, and bundy had to work, so he won't be going.

"Uhm...hmmm, Well, that fuck else am I going to do tonight? Play Warcraft? Besides, maybe this will make for good reading material. And maybe I'll find out what it feels like to be a gay man in a straight bar."

"They're also going to have A drag show tonight!"

"Oh. Awesome. Just Awesome. So much for hitting on any chicks."

So off we go, me and CarCar, to the gay bar.

Now, I'll be the first to admit, I was a bit skeptical of going into such an establishment, but the more I thought about it, it seemed like a good idea, the reasoning being that single straight women do like to cruise the gay bars when they get tired of running the sports and frat bars. couple that with the fact that i'd be one of the few straight guys in the bar, I'd have a pretty damn good chance of at least talking to a chit or two.

So, what was a great idea in theory wasn't so much a practical one.

once I got there, I realized that if there was a staight single women there, I wasn't going to be able to tell. Also, single straight women don't go to gay bars to get hit on. Lastly, I was most likely perceived as a Bear, So this great idea to net wimmins like crazy just fell the fuck apart. That didn't stop me from sending a Valentine(everyone was given a nametag with a number on it when you walked in, and you could go to the bar and pick up a piece of paper to write a valentine to someone else that you thought was cute) to Venus, a Hot chick(yes, she was really a chick) who I was at least sure was a Bisexual. Bisexuals in my book have an awesome factor of somewhere around twelve million. But alas, no one, straight or gay, sent me a valentine. So at least I know I'm not attractive to either sex now. Somewhere around eleven, the drag show started. Fun in a "holy shit that's a DUDE in a dress! OMGWTFBBQ!!11!1shift+elevenity" way.

to sum up, for five bucks, I got:

1. A floor show
2. Free food
3. A free ticket for a glass of champagne
4. A chance to send as many dirty valentines I wanted(I only sent one, and that wasn't without CarCar goading me into it one I made mention of how hot I thought "Venus"(the aforemented hot chick who was delivering said messages) was.
5. A cultural experience which I won't forget anytime soon.
6. Something to write about for all of you.


Did I have fun? Yeap. Would I go back again? Yeah, I wouldn't be opposed to it.


I just want to have something to do

Guilty Party removed, added.

Lack of updates, I know. and I also know I do say the following a lot too, but I got a couple things I've been working on to throw up in the next few days. I think you will enjoy at least one of them.

First off, a tactically late, but none the less great, shoutout to The Murr-vegas all Stars, who did a hell of a show at Tman and Sarah's reception. I don't think there was one person in attendance who didn't like the show. They also allowed a rather inebriated Livingdead to sit in with them after the show and listen to them talk about the particulars of past shows and upcoming gigs they were looking forward to. I threw in my own "hardball" questions. such as "What were your influences growing up?" and "Would you ever consider playing carbondale?" I also remmeber making a comment or two about the racial demographics of Franklin County, and hearing there is a similar one in Kentucky. While I was genuinely interested in hearing thier backstory and everything, it mostly served as a next-day notice that I need to quit thinking I'm some kind of Journalist/Social Scientist when I'm very drunk.

While on the subject of the reception, here's a "Die in a fire" to the two drunk douchnozzles who tried to crash the reception for free beer and food. Seriously, what the fuck were you thinking? I kinda know one of them, and I can say I wasn't much of a fan prior to this, anyhow. You, sirs, are no Vince Vaughn. teh Funnay happened when they acted all indignant when they got the boot, like they had some kind of right to be there.

Anyway, Good times ensued. I remember actually laughing and living it up with all my friends, which I hadn't been able to do and properly enjoy in quite a while. Also, acting all svelte around one particular attendant and having even more conversations, being gentlemanly, and not looking chestward too many times. Oh, if only you could have seen me later, passed out over the bathtub, probably mumbling something like "I'm so going to Blog about this!"

Enough of the expose(insert backwards ` thing here). Suffice to say it was a great time.



And what you've wanted
Is something I bleed

Sometimes, I do love work. Rarely, but I do. It usually comes after I get really bored and my curosity begins to get the best of me.

Bored at work, I took a browse through some of the new porn that one of the stores got in. I pick up a copy of "Bathroom Games" and, giggling like a 10 year old, proceed to read some of the blurbs on the back cover. Standard fare... things like "the Hottest wetplay you'll ever see" and "Only we can give you these kinds of golden showers!"

Then, something in the fine print caught my eye.

NOTICE: A panel of independant medical experts specializing in all phases of human sexuality has set forth guidlines for the producer taking into consideration the findings in Miller v. California, 413 US 15, and Pope v. Illinois, 491 US 497. Based upon the guidlines formulated by this panel, a qualified psychologist has reviewed the product and determined that when viewed in it's entirety the DVD motion picture presents serious scientific value to the average user.

Serious scientific value. O RLY?

I swear to god I am not making that up.

Now, Get me right here. I'm not about to bash porn. I think a little porn(the legal stuff) can be a healthy thing for singles and couples. But scientific? hmmm....color me a skeptic. I'm having a little trouble seeing the findings of "Fresh Faces #2 of 5" in Scientific American. I don't remember the last time a bunch of science majors were sitting around bedating theories found in "Family Affairs". And "Furry Little Asians" isn't likely to be played in a high school health class anytime soon, no matter how much "value" such a title might hold.

Admittedly, I do like the idea of a nobel prize doing to the stirring documentry, "Britney Skye And her Big Titted Friends". I may be biased, though, as I steadfastly believe that world peace, nay, dare i say, peace across endless Galaxies, would follow if only Tiffany Towers would just touch my wing-wang. Repeatedly.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to do some "research" on the internet. Mostly concerning Dolly from Big Naturals and that really fucking hot chick(Lori?) from Cum Fiesta. Muwhahahahaha It's not perverted, it's SCIENCE!



Her eyes
She's on the dark side

I just got home from running around after work. I'm tired, pissy, and in one of "those" moods.

Basically, I was about to go all "Z gangsta" on your asses. Thankfully, you have been saved, as we're going to play a game. or rather, an experiment, if you will.

I am going to drink. Heavy. I mean "the gods will remember this one" drinking.

We're going to see how many it actually takes before i do something stupid: i.e. Make an update or drunken call about how i'm going to kill myself, Hump a statue, bite a dog, that kind of thing. Simple, yet effective.

And since i know most of you aren't even on right now, i'm going to let you make the call... you see my email addy over in that corner? If you use MSN messenger, add me to your list, and send me a message. it'll come to my phone, and it might just spark an interesting conversation, or you can order me to drink for tonight only. This offer ends at 3 am.

Why am I doing this?

becuase Paris Hilton has produced a record, They're playing her single on the radio, and some of you morons are requesting it, thereby forcing me to listen to it during work.

At this point in the week, I have run out of babies to kick, and must now punish myself-with your help.

Together, we can do this.



Got to keep it on the surface
Because everything else is dead on the other side

So, I believe I left off about halfway through saturday night.

Me, Nunkie, RVZ, Brandocrap, the Slowbeks, and Braddong head out to a place called Noshville for dinner, and delish it was. Upon stepping outside, however, we end up getting hit up for money by two different panhandlers at the same time. One of them was "a christian man whom him and his daughter have been stuck in nashville for a week, I have money, but can't get to it, would appreciate any help..." It was actually a very long and drawn-out process, not to mention a giant run-on sentance that was too well-rehearsed. The other was a rather uncreative "Spare some change for the homeless?" Nope, sorry. I'm poor too, pal. Hate to sound so heartless about it, but I'm a bit jaded. Anyway, it was raining and after a couple moments of confusion(Hey, is that the Wendy's where Tapeface happened?"), so we dogpiled into a cab and headed downtown to attempt to meet up with the rest of the group.

Although there are a couple other bars we visited that were noteworthy, I was a bit "Eh, it's alright" about the bars we were going to at that point. Some of the group broke off and went back to the hotel as we cruised through these bars. As we headed along after mulligan's, we turned a corner, And suddenly, I was no longer in a world I was used to. No more of the bars that, while cool, all begin to run together after a while. These new, alien to me bars and the time I spent in them is What galvanized my opinion of Nashville. I didn't know it just yet, but it was what made me sit back and go "this I what I wanted to See in Nashville. This is The Nashville Experience I was hoping for.

The first bar we entered was The Bluegrass Inn, complete with country band, cowboy hats, and shelves made of 2x4's. throw in two hot bartenders, PBR, And a "down home" crowd, and you have a recipe that, for some strange reason, I'm finding myself liking. Me and Brando took up seats at the bar, and drank everything in. While I wasn't interested in leaving, I was out of smokey treats and they didn't sell smoke. I told the bartender I was going to make her famous in Illinois(which got a wink out of her, so either I should have stayed and played my slim-to-none odds of scoring or she thought it was a cute remark from a drunk fat kid) and the crew left.

At this point, the group splits again, leaving three: Me, Tman, And Brandocrap. we head next door To what would ultimately be our last, and in my Opinion, the best bar of the night: Robert's Western World. RWW was more upscale than it's neighbor(read: Nice Shelves) but had a kick-ass house band Named BrazilBilly, and fried baloney sandwiches("Friggin delishious", cried the Tman) georgeous women, and cheap, cheap PBR.

Tman would get a head start on us back to the hotel, as me and brando closed out the bar. On the walk home, we got encountered three authentic Georgia women who were staying on the same floor as us, and I got into an arguement with one of them over where I was from:

"You're from Chicago, aren't you?"

"Nope. Christo-"

"You're from Peoria, then. Which is just as bad."

"No, I'm not. I'm Near ST. Lou-"

"You shouldn't lie, Yankee. I can tell by your accent."

"Riiiight. Whatever you say, But I'm from SOUTHERN Illinois. We were for you guys in the Civil War."

After some Drunk Dialing by Me and Brando, I end up passing out somewhere around 4 in the morning... only to be woke by a constant rapping on the hotel door at 9:30 by the Slowbeks, Nunkie, and RVZ(Brandocrap was already up and showering, and Braddong had Left an hour earlier...I think) Appearantly, answering the door In my boxers with my eyes completely closed and closing it in the middle of whatever Slowbek was saying so i can go back to sleep for another hour is secret code for "Come on in and be as loud as you want! Keep telling me I Need to get up! Be disgusted that I am in my Boxers! Don't forget to fart on me becuase it's Teh Funnay!"(I don't really mean anything by that. I just hate being woke up.) we all check out, head back to Clarksville, eat at the Olive Garden, say our goodbyes, and home we go.

All in all, it was a great weekend for me. Got to hang out with good friends(Some I hadn't seen in a long, long while), good food, and great bars. I know some of you may be scratching your heads out there in internet-land about my love for the country bars, But consider this: It's places like this where some of the biggest names in music got thier start in these little homely bars. You go there and you just... slip into an element that feels alive and happening. All those country songs I grew up to on the radio(Thanks to Gma) made a lot more sense now that I've been there and seen this place through thier eyes. It's something I'm not likely to forget anytime soon, and I plan on going back to drink in more of the Nashville Experience.

That, and I promised Gma that I would take her to the bar that Ralph Emery Was in.

Old Hank made it here
And We’re all sure that you will

So, Last night there was a lot of uncomfortable postions in Clarksville, mostly relating to the fact that i had to sit on Nunkie's Lap as there was 12 people crammed into 2 taxicabs. The cabbie got a kick out it(plus, we tipped him well). Going through White Castle drive-thru was the worst part. Everyone got home okay, and Copious amounts of Slyders were consumed. Also, Everybody was fucking Smashed.

about five hours later, the slyder attacks claimed thie first victim: Me. I Swear to Christ I opened the portal to hell this morning in that toilet.

Anyway, Back at the Hotel in Nashville, after a little stint out at Sam's cafe and grill Watching the Kentucky Derby. Naturally, I picked the loser and got nothing whilst the slowbeks, Sarah, and Papa Salmo ended up picking The Winner. This is why I don't Gamble.

I'm not sure what's going on next, but when we pulled up in the shuttle(which took half of forever due to wrogn directions) there was a lobby full of young women that deserve the kind of attention i'm ready to give em.

Considering my current lucky streak, they're all going to be like 15.


More Later(i'm forgettign a lot of shit right now and i realize that) if I am still sober enough to operate the letter clackie thingies.

I'm drunk
And right now I'm so in love with you

Yay. Friday night, and I'm at home. I went drinking with moms last night becuase well, I had nothing else better to do. Actually, I drank, she drove my stupid-drunk ass home. Then I had to work this morning-which was about as fun as a pants full of hungry Graboids.

I should've went and watched Silent Hill like I was going to. Goddamnit i'm too indecisive.

Well, fuck this "single, no free friends tonight, and bored" shit. I'm going to go and find some trouble.

Site update tomorrow. I PROMISE.




I know I won't be leaving here with you

I remember saying that I was done with the S in an earlier post, and I think I really, really mean it this time. I had a good time friday night, but the juke still sucks(Seriously, WTF happend to the Tune Search?), and while I met a very cool person from Indiana that night(hi Jess if you're reading this, sorry about that night), it just dosen't feel like home anymore.

The only reason I even got out on St. Livingdead's Zombieabercrombiepocalypse now Day(the real name of St. patricks day and YOU BETTER RECOGNIZE FOOL) was because Hooter and her friend dragged me out to play some darts. They left after about an hour, and since I had to wait a while before getting back on Urban Dead(A game I like so much I have to plug twice) and there's only so much of Subspace I can take before I realise that I'm rotting away my friday night playing a ten year old online game. Not that I had much to do anyway, but regardless.

Saturday was an early wake up call for me thanks to Brandocrap, then right into my Meleemancer for some Nightmare Diablo 2. Mass dorkage ensued, then to Walt's for a lil gathering of Friends, moving back to the Slowbeks for cake and a game of dominoes. Thanks to Slowbek, I got to go all "high class an shit" with the lambrusco in a knockoff SOLO cup. rawk. Makes for a wonderful wine headache the next day, let me tell ya.

Well, time for a sad attempt at sleep so I can wake up for work. That's me being cheery.



There is no hell
Like an old hell

Well, it was a crazy weekend, alright.

Thursday was spent working, getting out of town late, and getting to Lebanon to meet up with brando, whereupon we discussed things that pretty much bought us yet another upgrade package on the express airline to Hell. A little Stank and Spank, and bedtime for all parties.


Friday, Nunkie comes up, we meet up with an alumni who transplanted to Springfield and went barhopping. Sammy's sportbar to Two Brothers(sadly, by bartending angel wasn't there, le sigh) to a place called Coonrod's. Think Italian club in Springfield. Jamie D suggested the place, yet never been there. for all we knew, we coulda been walking into a gay biker bar. It ended up being cool. Mostly older clientele, but we were old drinking pals withthe bartender within the hour.

We watched the Illini Game(well, I drank myself stupid, they watched the game), and afterward some guy waved some money in my face and said "Hey, will ya play some music?"

"Sure, I guess." Thinking my selection was, much like the IC, was going to be limited country and AC/DC.

I couldn't have been more wrong. I started with some old crowd pleasers: Cash, Stones, and a couple of others I can't remember because I drank a lot, Then came the Massive attack, Portishead, Rentals("Holy shit! I can get the Rentals on here?") and Brando got the NIN on there, and that's when one of the regulars got pissy and complained to the bartend, who basically said "Sorry, but we don't get young ones in here that often, they paid for it, they get to hear it". Awesome.

Then there was the cool old guy with the business cards and other assorted practical jokes, but that's another story altogether. All in all, a fun night. A little drunken late night dinner at the Stank and Spank and off to bed.

Saturday was Gauntlet Dark Legacy(to wash out the awful taste of Seven Sorrows), Nunkie becoming horribly ill, and later on, me and Brandocrap meeting up with the Jacksonville tribe at Mowie's, and kicking ass at Shufflepuck against Gina and Jeff, and a nightcap at... you guessed it, Stank and Spank.

Sunday was the drive home, and some Nightmare Diablo 2.

All in all, a good weekend. But I'm pretty fucking sick of Steak and Shake.

Let's see what this week brings, and if I can keep away from Urban Dead to do an update about it.

This ain't no game
I'll show no shame
I'll birth this bane
I'll twist the game

Last update of the year.


Nobody really came to this to see the good things, so lets get them out of the way first.

Love Blooms - lots of friends becoming committed to thier respective halves this year, engagements, marriage, and anniversaries prosper. Above all the gloom, I’m glad for every one of them.

Friendships Revived - Seeing Cliff, Dawn, and Noelle Back in June after missing them last year. The ressurection of the Joplin Gathering, and seeing a large contingent of friends that I haven’t seen in a long time, and meeting new ones as well that I hope to see again next year.

Wander Lust - While in Ohio, going to Evans City, Pennsylvania, Where it all started. Then in October, the West Coast Super Death Trip with Brandocrap, which was more or less a condensed version of "The Tour of the Dead". Eleven states got their faces rocked in nine days, With California Getting the brunt of the attack.

Zigga, Please - A lot of Zombie Movies(some good, some horrible) released this year, Not to mention the return of the great one, George A Romero.

Noise God - With Teeth Released, then the NIN Concert @ St. Louis In October.

Au Graits - Compy gets Upgraded, thanks to castoffs from Cracka Jack and Brandocrap, and a Backlog of Computer games to play, NOtable ones being Warcraft 3, Half-Life 2, Civilization 3, Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic, and the ever-succulent Neverwinter Nights.


But What should be the greatest day of days, isn’t. Last year, I was sad because I wasn’t with the one I loved. This year, I am bitter. I had my chance earlier this year. Somehow, I blew it yet again. From what I understand, I was too pushy about getting back to where we were. Then, I was Betrayed. I listened to advice that wasn’t In my best interests. I poured myself out to the very person who now has a detailed roadmap of my mistakes.

It seems I am fit only to stand in your shadow. In love, in life, and in work. Do you see why I am bitter yet? Do you understand? I’m supposed to be okay with this, even congratulate you for doing what I appearantly could not. Grin, bear it, and wish you two well. You seem to be doing fine without them. Perfect, even.

I guess it was all a pipe dream anyway. I have grown too old, jaded, and ugly to make it work. So these are the words of the wrong, and the wronged. A testimony of the walking wounded. the ones who love, Who lose, who lament.

Nothing else to say, I guess. Nothing that matters.



Always.





And Never.


broken bruised forgotten sore
too fucked up to care anymore
poisoned to my rotten core
too fucked up to care anymore

well, I'm back home from yet another Joplin Gathering. Fun was had, New friendships were forged and old ones Refreshed.

I'm still a bit wiped but here's a list.

20 random thoughts About Joplin 2005:


1. Me and Susanna Sinister make awesome traveling partners.

2. Jack van Tyruce Still can't read a map, be anywhere on time, and be trusted to pick up alcohol.

3. Buckeyes are single-handedly the Greatest thing I have ever Tasted. If Catiana Made a Buckeye-Flavored Ball-Gag, she'd made kazillions and could retire well before 30.

6. I suck at taking pictures of People on the sly. half my pics turned out blurred.

5. Huntress's Presence(among other things) was sorely missed. Hope you're feeling better Hon.

6. Using the Phrase "I'm an Internet personality" As a justification for anything simulaniously pisses off and cracks up Karma and her hubby.

7.Evil,loyal sidekicks. Beast-man is to Skeletor as Zealot is to Oblidarn.

8. Bringing cool movies to watch instantly boosts your Popularity Score(especially with Teddy).

9. Three words: Joplin Swap Meet. You can get Human Meat there if you Ask the right person.

10. Anybody can run at the speed of light when you have an angry Teylynn Darkshadow giving chase.

11. I'm the Greatest Goddamned Lunch Money Player in the world when i'm drunk.

12. Glow in the dark penises, Technicolor-enhanced orgasms, and cybernetically-enhanced Nads are weird-ass topics to cover.

13. Grace Moure Might be Scarred from hearing things about #12. Also, Grace Moure's underwear is Teh Hawt.

14. Red vs Blue is still awesome.

15. The Helm Of Power was reforged this year. Woe to All. Next year: The Armor of Power.

16. Azah and Warlord were not the leat bit fazed upon finding out that i was eating horse feed. Also, Said horse feed runs straight through the system.

17. I still don't know what the inside of Lej'ardamaine's house looks like.

18. Only one of the lil' ones Liked me, which reaffirms that i still do not need Children. Telling them that You know how to make Baby Stew didn't help relations, either.

19. Some people put sugar on thier Grits. This Practice is as unnatural as necrophilia and should be stopped.

20. A Joplin first: No drunken Posts from me.

There's Your monday(whoops, tuesday) update.

mdame


Never thought all this could expire
Never thought you'd go break the chain

Wow. I'm here in Joplin, and i gotta tell ya, It's the old times. The good old times that i missed so much. I didn't get as hammered as i thought i would last night. trying to plan the trip down here all week was nothing short of a nightmare which i will explain more later.

Up early because the house is full of screamin babies, to which i continue to wander around from screaming baby to screaming baby telling Them "yeah, i know. It dosen't get any better, trust me".

Went to J-town last night. didn't get on any of the bartender chicks this time, and sucked Ass at pool. Came back to the house and played a Game Called Lunch Money, and it was nice. I must buy this game and introduce it to you guys, so you'll think i'm awesome again. Got hammered on Rusty Nails. Talked Angel's ear off last night whilst Intoximacated. Poor Girl.

In Short, I'm Having a Blast. I even walked by a mirror this morning and didn't have one of those "WTF am i doing with my life" moments.


I'd Type More but i'm really Hung Over and I think we're getting ready to either have Grits or go to the Swap Meet. Either way, I need to wake Steve The Okie Becuase He'll be pissed if we leave without him.


Later Kids. Maybe another one tomorrow. we'll see who i have to kill to get on the Compy.

mdame


I love you
But what are we going to do?

i had the shortest date ever friday night.


"so, what would you like to do?"

"well, I have a confession. I didn't really come here for a date. I already have a boyfriend."

"okay, But i remember asking if you would like to meet up for a date, so... what gives?"

"well, it's my opinion that If you're trying to reach out to people on the internet, You're looking for some meaning in your life. Let me tell you about someone who changed my life...Would you like to hear about Jesus Christ?"

It's at this point i basically say "have a nice life" and immediately leave. Only me, folks. Only me. seriously, WTF? the rest of friday was spent drinking heavily, for obvious reasons.

anyways, i found a link that you tinkerers might get a kick out of. Check out Hack-A-Day, a blog for those crazy people who like to make crazy shit out of old tech and whatever else they got lying around.

that's it for tonight.

mdame


What choices do I have?
I'm not educated and I'm not respected
And what am I to do?
As the train leaves for Kensal Green
I can't come back to you
So I send this music box to sleep to

out at pinch last night, had a blast. my memeory keeps going back to a lady was rather incredible looking. she had the face of an angel and the body of a devil. Now, normally, there are lots of women there who are, shall we say attractive. but her face stood out to me.

consider the fact that she even said hi to me(i must have been staring) and later, when i went to go and mingle amongst the crowd, she even reached out and touched me... it kinda made my night. I realize she was probably just being nice, and held no attraction for me, but as someone who usually dosen't even get a second look, it was a moment of respite from this toilet of a reality to feel a beautiful woman's hand upon my shoulder, however brief and passing it was.

then i came home and watched Sin City. I never have to watch another movie again. well, obviously i have to watch zombie movies, but anything else... nope. this movie kicks so much ass on so many levels that humans can't even fathom. Watch it. seriously.

anywho, enough for the day. I must away to work.

mdame


And let's move to the beat
Like we know that it's over

anyone else notice those SCOTUS rulings? Wowza.

kinda boring weekend, save for friday night.

I had full intentions on going to see Land of the dead, but i got sidetracked. I was going to see the 10 o clock show in carbondale, and decided that i would have a couple of drinks at pinch.

around nine o clock, i got a call from Hooter, and since i'm in a bar and i'm half-deaf, i resort to yelling into the phone like a walkie-talkie "I CAN'T HEAR YOU, I"LL CALL YOU BACK LATER". these two girls i was sitting by by the names of Kate and Jill(Hot chick #'s 1 and 2) thought to be extrememly amusing. and that started a conversation.

Come two o clock, we had talked all over the dial and found out we're all fellow science dorks(well, one was an anthro major, but that's close enough for me). So, NO Movie for me, but i got a phone number and a "we should hang out again sometime" which is cool. and then the three of us ended up at wal-mart till the in the morning becuase they needed to get some stuff, and i needed to sober up.

it was rather surreal, to be frank. Usually when i go to a bar, i get right to business-light up a smoke, sit my brooding ass down at the bar, and order a drink. does anyone see "talk to hot wimmins" in there? i don't. I am of the mind that any time spent talking to some woman i don't know(and most that i do know) is a waste, partly becuase i'm and ugly fucker, but mostly becuase frat boy x is just sooo much "cooler" than me, what with the in style clothes and the neato car that mommy and daddy bought them, and thier super cool connected friends. and of course, they're "hot". blah, i'm rambling and not making sense to myself. what i'm trying to say is that i know where i stand on "teh hawtness" scale as compared to other guys. though every once in a while, i go "WTF" becuase a chick is dating a guy who i consider myself mroe attractive than. Must be that thing called a personality. or money. one or the other. most likely the latter. if it was the former, i'd rolling in the honies.

OH. You mean a cool personality that isn't a dick? i see. so you want someone who is cool, but dosen't hold his own or own up when the shit hits the fan? fair enough. Plenty of Fake people to choose from, i assure ya.

Today's "Single and bitter about it" article brought to you by the letter œ.

mdame



I scar myself you see
I wish I wasn't me

Got my cellphone today, and i'm back in business, yo. need phone numbers, in case you didn't catch it last time. Pissed Nunkie off becuase i was playing with it so much. It's cute as a button, and i think it will most definately boost my popular points.

I'm listening to a bunch of remixes of The Hand that feeds. wowza. I like. I highly recommend grabbing the torrent file. I grabbed the "top 40" version, myself. becuase i wanted to sample it before i grab the 500 pack. but yeah, if you are into that kind of thing, definately pick it up. the several that i've heard really rock my bojangles.

In other news, I walked away from a ridiculously easy lay tonight. god damn it all. this wasn't a "i think i could have gotten laid" thing, this was "hand it to mike on a platter" happening.

and i got up and left. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot? christ, i'm getting old. and it's not like it's going to matter to anyone that i did such a stand-up thing like walking away from a drunk, married woman. I've already proven many times over that my moral stance is severely lacking it seems. fuck. god damn my conscience. why the fuck could i not have stalwart attitude last year?

well, now i'm pissy. i'm sure listening to nails isn't helping. gonna go play a game, drink, or something to get my mind off the matter.


wait. one of these, becuase i haven't done one in a while.

Read/watch/Listen/Play

Soul Music, Terry Pratchett.

Se7en, Bradd Pitt, Morgan Freeman, Gwyneth Paltrow.

Human after all, Daft Punk.

Area 51, Midway Games.

mdame



In your eyes is a place
Worth remembering

Tried monkeying around with the code a little bitso i can insert some GIF's in the subtext banner, to no success. oh well... try again some other day. New cell phone order, should be here hopefully by friday-saturday.

head's hurting. feel like i'm going to become a pillhead at this rate. Celebrex helps, but jesus christ it's expensive to take two a day. Need to see doctor. need better muscle relaxers or better painkillers or something.

that's all. not drunk enough and too tired to rant on like i did last night, much as i want to. head hurts, too.

mdame


Rock
Robot Rock

seems like i want to write something right now, but i really don't know what. so right now, i'm just staring down at my keyboard and just concentrating on the next word that pops into my head. so pardon me if this rambles a bit. Two movies coming out soon that i intend on seeing. One coming out this friday... Land of the dead. I seem to have been the last person in my group that was aware that it was finally coming out. Yeah yeah, i know... I'm slacking. There is another, however, that i have become aware of, called Undead. it's not out till the 1st of July. I don't really care about movies right now, honestly. I care about purpose, and my lack of it. it's like everyone else has either got it figured out or is close to getting it all together. I feel like an outdated machine who has lost its reason for being.

let's get the facts straight.

I am skills-deficient. i work a dead-end job in a town i am barely a part of socially. I'm not depraved enough to sling dope, and i have a problem hocking stolen loot.

I have a Associates degree which, at this juncture, I can do nothing with. I have also been kicked out of school three times, twice from the same school. I cannot cover the costs of taking classes next spring, if by some miracle, i was to get back into My program.

I have no wealthy patrons, benefactors, or backup source of income should i become unable to work. I am not eligible for welfare.

I am a faithless heathen who finds no comfort in hoping for better rewards in the next/afterlife.

small wonder why all the good women stay far away from someone who has fallen out of thier league. Or i push those away that, against all odds and warnings from thier friends, do attempt to forge ahead.

Nobody? Ineffective? most likely.

Bitter and Jaded? Definately.

Lost Cause? Out of my League? looks that way from my PoV.

Wow. I'm feeling drunk now. whoops. how'd that happen? well, enough ramblings for me tonight. this toook longer than i wanted to write, most likely becuase i am now having to conentrate harder as to not fuck up my words anymore than i usually do sober. Goodnight.

mdame


I don't know what i am
I don't know where i've been
Human junk just words and so much skin
Stick my hands thru the cage of this endless routine
Just some flesh caught in this big fucking machine

I'm supposed to be sleeping but fuck it all, i can't. might as well update, since i have to force my sleep pattern into something recognizably normal before i head out to Ohio anyways.

so friday i got out with a couple of workmates to go bowling. then some of us went to pinch. i was going in a sense becuase there was this girl who was supposedly "perfect" for me, and i thought she was pretty attractive in return. only thing was... well.. we didn't talk much. i couldn't even muster up the courage when i got trashed to talk to her. i understand she is a cool person, and one of the other girls was all like "oh, she IS into you". her body language told me a much different story. I don't mind a girl not being "into" me. hell.. I'm used to it. i just wish there was more upfront-ness about it, so at least there isn't any of that fleeting hope that i have a bad habit of having.

Saturday was the vino tasting at slowbek's, which was quite enjoyable. i had reservations about this thing at first, i gotta tell you. when i envision a wine tasting party, i was thinking about how it seems to show our age and that this will be the new thing, and gone are the days of getting stupid drunk on cheap beer and taking crazy pictures, dorking out, and all that fun stuff i should have left behind when i hit 25 becuase, thorugh some statistical calculation that society has pulled out of it's ass, the party is supposed to be over by then, or at least winding down. But needless to say, fun was had by all involved, i do believe. though i got drunk and forgot my camera over there and i really need to pick that up before i head out to ohio.

i didn't sleep too well sunday. i had one of those "wake up every hour and then go back to sleep" type of sleeps. worked, and then came home. otherwise, a typical, boring as hell sunday night for me. which, sadly, i was alright with, since the back of my head has been hurting all day, and i don't think it's going to stop, which is going to make work(gotta be there in an hour) all the more fun.

all in all, i got drunk twice in one weekend, so everynight when i went to bed, i wasn't caring about how i was utterly alone. and that always helps make the night go by!

Still haven't got anything done as far as my cell phone, either. Awesome.


well, nothing left to do now excapt put up shitty poetry. and i'm not going to do that to you. not yet, at least. boy, i typed quite a bit for still having things on my mind.

mdame


I tried but I can't find a way
to untangle all the pieces
after they've been thrown away

So, those that were there friday night at herrinfest know the main story, to give a recap:

Celebrex+Almost nothing to eat all day+a metric fuckton of beer=A very drunk and beligerant Livingdead.

I know i probably pissed a few people off by my absolute refusal to leave at the time, but hey... i was having the time of my life challenging nature to do her worst. That, and welll, have you tried reasoning with yourself when you're drunk? it dosent' go too well.

anyways, i had a hell of a time, despite the shitty last couple of weeks compounding on me, and despite the fact that it was raining like hell. I ran into all kinds of people i knew, so i felt safe enough to get that plastered. also, i felt safe.

that all changed after about the fifth piss break.

on my way to the john, i realized that i might need to call in and let my friends("Mike, we're leaving you here. we'll be back to get you later." "Okay, you bunch of Nancies!") know that i was ready to be picked up. once in the john, i set down my cuppy-cup collection(it was about two feet long at this point, i think) and started making the business. whilst doing so, i dug my cellphone out of my pocket, went to flip it open, fumbled, and heard it splash right into the port-o-potty.

"goddamnit, i dropped my phone.." i grumbled, as i finished pissing and bend down to pick it back up out of the hole. Luckily, before my hand crossed the barrier into the realm of human waste, a thought popped into my head- at least five thousand people have probably used this thing today. That's cholera, Hep A, and schistosomiasis, to name a few of the nasties i could possibly end up with.

"fuck it. I'ts just a phone." that was probably the smartest thing i done all day.


tried to hit on a chick wearing a Wicked Women Choppers Shirt, but that was a train wreck and a half. Staggered on out of there once, when the rain reaqlly hit hard because i needed smokes, went back to the concert, eventually ending up being found by nunkie and Salmo clinging desperately to a Stop Sign for support. How i wasn't an obvious Target for a Drunk in public ticket, i have no idea. Hell, i even went up to a cadre of cops bitching to them about how i lost my cell phone and i want it back please get someone to get it for me okay nevermind i'm drunk i need more beer bye. by the time i got home, i didn't make it to the steps(appearantly i was also splashing around in the ditch when Nunkie dragged my ass out of the car) before it was time to "pull the trigger".

My Liver is Pissed at me.

Saturday and sunday were a lot less uneventful, Went bowling with the kids, went down to marion to get Half-life 2 and Manhunt.

Speaking of those... I have a new computer. Thanks to Gracious Benefactors, i got a bunch of castoff hardware that makes for a pretty sweet system. Sadly, it meant the retirement of Compy, the 350Mhz speed demon loaded with a sweet 16 MB Voodoo3 3000 AGP.

fear not, however, i got A copy of Linux around here somewhere. with all the excess hardware i'm awash in at the moment, i might just give him the Honorable way out: burning himself up whilst Multitasking.

As i mentioned earlier... becuase of this generous gift by Some grand friends, i decided it was time that i get back into PC games, and bough Half-life 2. then the realization hit me: i have five years of computer gaming to catch up on(the last "fancy" game i was able to play was Diablo 2, back in 2001). this fact, coupled with the Glory that is Half-Life 2(don't worry doom, you'll get your chance), pretty much means that i will no longer have a social life, and also have absolutely no need for a girlfriend for at least six months.

So goodbye, and if you need me, call the House phone(at least for this week). I'll see you guys next year sometime. And if i can find time, I'll update. ;)

Seriously though: Some of you need to leave a message on my voicemail with your cell phone number so i can program it into my my new phone, when i get it.


mdame



Does it make you happy?
Are you feeling happy?
Are you fucking happy?
Now that I'm lost left with nothing?

that was it.

You may not have noticed, but i have noticed upon someone's blog that she had changed her "status" to "in a relationship". and all the while when we dated, she still advertised herself as single. Now, i'm not pointing this out becuase i'm bitter, more because I guess i'm starting to notice the little things. I can't seem to do it when i need to(like, say, to save a relationship), but when noticing them can hurt myself, i can spot it everytime.

funny thing, that.

Anyway, Go play around with < href="http://www.chickenhead.com/stuff/peephole/">this for a while. You might gain insight to yourself. My Favorite Revelation? "Def Lepard's power Ballad "Love Bites" makes Livingdead cry like a Broken Hearted teenager."

Kinda says it all.

mdame


I’ve got the acumen of a seasoned pro
I’ve got the legacy of a billion souls
I’ve got the world on my back but I don’t seem to care

Becuase i've become so taken with taking pictures of myself for updates of late...





last two days have been crazy. as much as i'd love to say it's been fun, i got a hit with a bit of a "what the fuck"? tonight. Much as i'd like to say i was almost expecting it, i still hoped it wouldn't be.

now i have to go and think about this one. this, combined with other factors, has kinda thrown me off and right now, i don't know what to think. that, and being beligerantly drunk does not help.

for anyone who has Mike-ray goggles...read a little deeper. you might see something you may have been missing. or maybe you should listen to With Teeth. i dunno. i'm drunk so what the fuck do i know what to talk about?

there's your update. thanks for reading.


mdame



As I lay here
the fabric starts to tear
It's far beyond repair
And I don't really care
As far as I have gone
I knew what side I'm on
But now I'm not so sure
The line begins to blur

Thank god, he's gone. JoJo the idiot circus boy's last night was tonight. No more mangled lyrics and bullshit stories and hearing the same goddamned "woe is me cause i have to be here tonight" story fifteen times. I'll miss the lil fucker, mostly becuase his logic was so flawed it was hilarious.

in unrelated news, i put my own two weeks in saturday. no more Liquor boy after the first of may. less money'll be comin in, but more time off and less stress all around. which will translate into a nicer Mike. at least, that's the plan.

anywho, rock outs at the S friday. got to see some peoples i haven't seen in a While, and it was good. Speaking of Strangers, Bam Bam Stopped in unexpectedly tonight. I hadn't seen him in like three years, and hadn't talked to him in a little over a year. I had wrangled his number from his dad and drunk-dialed him last year while i was in the IC. It was late, and he had to work in the morning. I told him i would call him tomorrow, and well... i never did, becuase i'm a Jackass like that. but got like three of his numbers, and he works close by, so we'll see if we can get together for old time's sake.

Also found out a friend of mine's mother died, and that she had been trying to contact me, and i felt like a jackass again, but she's doing fine considering the circumstances, so that is good.

Gonna try and crack open Brandocrap's Drambuie, which, shamefully, i can't seem to figure out, and have a glass and watch a movie then some rest. I gotta work tomorrow and Kris is coming down for dinner after i get off work. good times.

Read/Watch/Listen/Play:

The Time Machine, H.G. Wells.

Hotel Rwanda, Don Cheadle, Nick Nolte.

Tweekend, The Crystal Method.

Xenosaga: Der Wille Zur Macht, Namco.

mdame



Yes I'm a New World Samurai
and a redneck nonetheless

new Nails, I'm drunk. Long day of work. Relaxation. I'm teh Awesome and fuck you otherwise. I 'm gonna go watch a movie as soon as i get done regaling you with a really boring update.

P.S. I'mn drunkl. thusly, i may ramble a bit. imagine me in the most fake soutyhern gentlemanly voice you can muster, you'll have a idea of where i'm going.

io got a billion dreamcast games now. we were cleaning out at work yesterday at the video store and got handed a box full of dreamcast games, it's mostly full of Sports games and Wrasslin games,n but what the hell i gots em for free. i got some double, so if anyone has a Dreamcast, you should like, buy me a drink or something. i might hook ya up. then again, i may laugh belittingley at you and bask in my high and mighty dorkiness. DORK+GAMES+DRINKAGE=AWESOME.

i hadf a bit of an ethical quandry in acquoring the Nails album. Then i realized i'm buying like, three copies of the damn thing, one of the said copies i can't even play yet, but i will someday. suddenly, my moral standing was kinda lying down(punny if you're a NIN dork, especially punny if you consider who i am as i seem to be the last person in the world who should stand for anything becuase i'm a fucking washrag), so i gots it and it Rizzocks my Bizzalxorz.

wow, i'm glad i did all my HTML first while i was still somewhat cohereant.

anyways

I'm sick of this place. Ghosts and A past i'm trying to escape and a future that holds nothing for me here. I noi longer worry about the lot of you, you will make out okay. i have at least that much faith in you all. So pardon me, if you will, There just might be a great distancing happening now between me and peoples. I have a need in me that is crying out to be fed, and for the first time in a long time, i'm going to start doing things my way. Too long has the House of Dame lain dormant and satisified in it's own decay and wishing for the sucess of others whilst dwelling in it's own failure. i'm concentrating harder now, so there's less mistakes as i use my dollar words.

i'm doing good. I want to continue to do good. I faear that i won't, just like last time. And godddamnit, i don't want to live in that shadow. i fucked up, i failed, and now i have a different path staring me down rather than the one i had planned for. Funny how life is like that. And now that is what i must and am focusing on. Like i said, Those of you will or are making out fine. I got to worry about myself now. Don't ever think it's becuase i've stopped caring about any of you that are close to me.

I have learned, in the summation of my life experiences thus far, that i have a cycle of destruction i go through after certain traumatic events. Those that have never seen the cycle before think it is pointless. Those that have seen(thankfully few of you up untill now) it should not have been concerned, but i understand why you were. i have a philosophy about such things: When such events occur, i have to find the flaw in myself. In order to do that, one must dig deep and tear everything down to base elements in such a way. it sounds completely stupid to some, i understand, but there is a reason; I must find and expunge before i can rebuild. Fuck, none of this is even making sense to me right now., I know what i'm saying, but as i try to go back and read it i'm thinking WOW i must be confusing the fuck out of them. so if you get it, you get it. if you don't, i'm sorry. i tried, at least.

blah. I got a movie to watch. and sleep soon aft. and i need to add a new guilty party soon, i promise.

last friday i got kinda loosened up(you already know this of you were there and/or read the update) at the S. Let me tell you my favorite part of the Night: The deep embrace we held for a good solid ten minutes when we got home. My arms wrapped around her, and hers around me. relief that i could find that part of myself once more. For once, my heart hasn't hardened in my own bitterness as to push out a genuinely good person.

So maybe my lessons are learned. Maybe i won't spend another half decade going through my fuck-and-run pattern. and maybe, Me and God are going to have a Sit down talk where i'm not screaming at him in hate.

christ this is long update about me and drunkenness and emotions. I feel like such a Emo Fag. if you read this far down, you deserve a prize of some sort. Sorry i'm not giving you one tonight, but you deserve one nonetheless.


Tired and bed time,

mdame



not gonna get a piece of that
no ain't goin out like that

A weekend Summary is in order.

Friday: down to Cape. Dinner with the SO's G-ma. Meeting more of her friends. Driving Back to town for Drunken Rockouts at the S. Sadly, No goats showed, so my description to her of it as a "true Hick Bar" fell somewhat short. Nonetheless, more showed than i expected and she got to meet a good deal of the crazies. Appearantly, There is still a bet out on who is going to make her cry once table rules are broken out in full force. Not Only that, I broke(somewhat) out of the nervousness shell i've had on since we started dating. Good Times, indeed. Even My mother stopped up at the S on a dare. How Fucked up is that?

Saturday: got up and got something to eat with the SO then work. so it was cool until i went to work. gotta take the good with the bad.

Sunday: had some good times with Nunkie and Brando, ate at 17th street in marion, not too bad except for the really manly sounding waitress. Work, then a suprise call from SO sayin she's coming back up and gonna stay overnight. Rawk.


Monday: Lotsa drving. Not me mind you. cape, then perryville, then back to cape, then back to here and some hangout times at Bradong's and some Wacthing of a Movie call "Ali G Indahouse" wowza. Funnier than i thought it would be. then retiring back to my place as Nunkie, Brando and gave an overview of the next Extreme Sports Craze - MilkCrate PokeStick™. Next, a horrible scheming of a human anomaly even I cannot describe in proper words. and then the SO took pictures of us trying to demonstrate excatly the mechanics of said melding of human bodies in a deadly Malloc-Challenging fashion.

then the party broke up, and i played some Super Monkey Ball DX And, of course, cursed it until i was blue in the face for being so fucking hard.

All the time i've been here in this area, I've always felt i played in a small way, the role of Chronicler. I'm always around, and i usually hear what's going on with so and so and how he or she is doing. While i've never complained about having this sort of unoffical title and honor of passing on the knowledge of whoever's doing well and whatnot, I'm starting to feel the part of a Signpost: Always with the information, yet Will never Leave the place it is Firmly Rooted in.

Once when i thought of this, i figured that it was my going to be my role: The eversteady person to those wayward souls that leave this place and come back to visit every so often.

Nowadays, when i think of that role i have slipped into, i also think of a Quote from A video Game Ad.

Challenge Fate.

Strange how such a Media can Be a Never-ending source of Inspiration.


Well, Work calls. enough Musings for now.

mdame


Go ahead and play dead
I know that you can hear this

funny story...

first off, let me say that i have credible witnesses that can tell you that i could, at one time, drink like a champion, and that i could drink just about anything under the sun.

i realized how much of a has-been i am tonight.

me and ST went to the Italian club tonight, and on a whim, ordered a Liquod Cocaine shot. I used to drink these things like it was water.

tonight, as i took that sweet shot of high grade alcohol, i choked, and most of it came out of my nose. nothing is quite embarrassing as having to ask for a bar towel because you're dripping snot and rumpleminze in a bar half full of seasoned drinkers. St was nice enough to ask for a bar towel for me as i sat there covering my shame.

what was funny, is that since there was such a HUGE amount that went through my nose and touched my mucus membranes, i had a pretty good drunk going on for about an hour. i must have talked his ear off about all kinds of nonsense, like trying to blow up the world through a devious plot using copy machines, and i most definately never kicked St. Slaughter's ass when i was 8 years old.

anyways, it's late and i have to open the tanning store in a couple of hours. So away for me, to do even less active things than sitting in the internets.

mdame



This is your shadow on my wall
This is my flesh and blood
This is what I could've been

so... a recap that should have been done earlier in the week is in order.

THURS:

work, laugh at my inablility to muster up the will to go to school. go out to the IC and meet up with peoples. ofter four double rounds of Cranberry and vodka with beer, i'm feeling pretty good. i start hitting on Ben's chick that he brought with him. Appearantly he had already sexed her with before coming up to the IC.

ever being the type to burn bridges, i decide on my next Cranberry and Smirnoff to re-enact a scene from Kids. for those of you that don't know what scene i'm talking about, Casper dunks a Tampon into a cherry flavored Kool-aid and proceeds to suck it dry. and exclaims "Mad Flavor, Yo"

i did this three times at the table, making sure i grossed just about everyone out at the table.

Having made my mark, i get up and leave.

FRIDAY:

besides fielding well wishes and happy birthday messages(and again, failing to have mustered to will to go to school), I Spent a Fucking hour and a half at the goddamned DMV. PSA: if you have a ID card, get it renewed NOW. next year the price is going up from four dollars to 20 dollars. went to Marion, got a few things, and then finally made it back in time to be picked up by slowbek and Nunkie. We go to Jack Russels, get some grub, and then head back to c-pher to go to T street. throughout the night, other peoples filter in and out to join the festivities. and for some unexplainable reason, NUnkie got up and left after me and him had a discussion as to whether i am a Misogynist or a Misanthrope. my arguement is this: why limit myself to a gender?

that was about it. I got drunk, some peoples were around, and then i went home and either played GTA or Watched a movie.

and that was that, for the most part.

one of my co-workers is a fucking idiot. he's tonedeaf and fucks up the lyrics to every goddamned song on the cd and or radio, and he keeps telling me about how he's going to be a big rock star be oh so cool. he also tends to think all my problems are all related to my lack of faith in a higher power. don't get me wrong, he's a nice guy and all, but i gnash my teeth everytime i work with him and i secretly wish slightly horrible things on him, like Ass-Herpes.

anywho, there's your update. at least, that's all you need to know for the moment.

let's see how long it takes for you monkeys to piss me off once again.


mdame



Close me in the dark
let me disappear
Soon there'll be nothing left of me
Nothing left to release

so... the anniversary update... what if... just what if... i lied and said there is none? i would most likely be hanged in public for building it up so much, wouldn't i?

alright... lemme fix myself a drink and i'll get to the meat of the matter.

i've waited for this becuase i have a feeling it's going to upset some of you. and well, since my feelings have not been spared, i would think it improper for me to spare anyone else's feelings.

it has been one year since i thre this website up and proudly proclaimed that i was engaged, and that my life, for the first time, was on the right track. I was arrogant, thoughtless, and in a state of euphoria, having thought that the trying times of my life were finally over. for once, i was seeing the light at the end of my tunnel. I was in a stable relationship, and i was about to graduate from John A. two major steps in the right direction.

oh, how things have changed for the worse.

let's not pretend i'm the victim here. I've had plenty of chances to turn things around, at at every turn, i have punched said chance in the face and spit on it.

so now, i am left with dealing with the after effects of said changes. let me tell you, if you didn't garner it from another persons blog, how that's all going:

1. I'm sorry for the things i did.

2. school is an experiment in failure for me.

3.i spend my time hiding in a bottle.

4. Mike, stop being such a drama queen.

let me address those individually for you, giving you my impressions of them.

1. I am truly sorry for the things i did, but as i have had it said to me, it no longer matters. had i been an intelligent person, i would not have made the choices i did. but, obviously, i am not a smart person, and i am not sorry enough appearantly, otherwise i would not have done the things i've done. i think that's bullshit, considering the circumstances, but this is how i am percieved.

2. what the fuck does this eveen matter? school was a means to an end. yeah, it's important and i'd kick the ass of anyone who dropped out, but for me, it's not as important anymore. I've missed three striaght weeks of school. I KNOW i should care, but you don't know. you don't know the shame i feel everytime i see someone who is a friend and how that friend stood up for me when everyone else didn't and how i dissapointed her. I never catch her looking at me when we are within feet of each other, and i know that i have become that much beneath her notice for the things i've done.

3. yes i do. and why the fuck do you care? You should be THANKFUL that i do. Someone has to be the example. someone has to be the scapegoat. Might as well be me, right? at least with me being the prime example as to how to fuck up your life, i'm not ruining anyone elses lives(i.e. kids that i could have had by now, and should have according to local statistics,but don't becuase i'm fucking smart enough to know better).

4. please please PLEASE.... eat my dick. You can go on and live your kince, wonderful life where everything out in the end and the world is all sing song and yadda yadda yadda. i don't expect you be be able to relate to me or to think that my woes are believable, becuase YOU ARE NOT ME.

i would liek to repeat that.

YOU ARE NOT ME.

you haven't lived the life i have. tyou haven't experienced the life i have, and you have NO FUCKING CLUE as to what i hold dear. you could be my best fucking friend and you'd still HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE as to what i hold dear.

I learned long ago that trusting my inner self to people leaves me open for an attack of opportunity when the time is right, and have since evolved from that, all except for one facet of my life.

the Significant other. the girlfriend. that what have you.

she knew my darkest secrets, and i felt no shame in telling her. in fact, telling her was a way for me to begin to break the ice to my friends on other secrets that i held close to myself.


now, it is gone. and i am told(appearantly, by the majority, according to some) that i should just cut my losses and move on. Do you know what is it like, to have been someone people envied? to have been so far up on the hill, and thento tumble down? do you know the badge of shame i wear? do you know what it is like to stand on the other side all by yourself?

YOu have no idea. NONE. I have brought shame and disgrace to my name, and all who associate with me. you think i just did what i did and have no regrets about it and You are WRONG. DEAD FUCKING WRONG. the worst part? i'll never be forgiven for it. i'll never have my day of atonement. And i'll never get to live up to what i could have been.

and i'm told with cute little kisses that i should just accept and move on.


let me ask you a question, readers who know something about me.

If you had to suffer for the rest of your life in order to not let something that would be happen, would you? wouldn't you play Christ if i meant that someone else would not be hurt?

I'm trying to.

I know what lurks in me. you don't. I hold myself to this pain of loss because i know the consenquences of letting go of it. I know what i will turn into if i let go of that which made me a decent human being(albeit, with some serious flaws that were in need of fixing).

well you know what? I'm tired of trying. i'm just about tired of hearing how i should move on and how it would be that much better for me. far be it from me to fight the status quo, right? appearantly i know shit about relationships, and i should give up my principles and beliefs about Love. you know how many times i've said that word in my life to someone? you can count them on two hands.



so here ya go. I'm going to let go. After this, the only people i'm going to talk to about this matter is me and her. so obvoisly, i won't be talkign much about it anymore. so you all win. here is Me being the Prime example of what NOT to me. and here is met letting go, like you all fucking wanted so goddamned much. and After the first of the new year, you can start asking yourself if the cure was worse than the disease.


why do i say that?

because i can gaurantee you this, you won't like the mike i've kept under lock and key.

you think you've seen self-destruction?

you haven't seen shit yet.



mdame


You never gave me a chance to be me
Or even a fucking chance just to be
But I have to show you that you played a role
and I will destroy you with one simple hole
The world that hates me has taken its toll
but now I have finally taken control
You wanted so bad to make me this thing
and I want you now to just kill the king

For those who were not there friday night:

After everybody left the S, i was the only one there. after having a few more than i should, i walked out of the bar around midnight-ish and started walking.

i was not seen again until saturday afternoon, around one o clock.

appearantly, i thought walking the rainroad tracks would be a good idea, and somehow ended up sleeping in a field nearby the grade school. I had lost my pack of cigarettes, and i was very suprised that A) i did not get a sunburn, and B) that i did not lose my wallet.

i seemed to had something on my mind, but i'll be damned if i remember what it was. and i'll be damned that i slept so long, as those in the area know that it was muggy as hell friday night, and that i don't sleep well without a fan of some sort.

worked tonight, and got an invite to go to pretenders with a benton area girl. ended up declining, and heading to the S with brandon, where i quite possibly scarred him for life beyond all reasoning. ended up closing out T street(i'm going there WAY more than i like to these days), and now here i am, in my boxers typing out this update. you're welcome for the visual.

anywho, i'm probably going to bed here in a few. I got to get up in the morning and do the hamster cycle for the week all over: Work, School, Sleep, Work, school, sleep...

mdame



Stack dead actors
Stacked to the rafters
Line up all the bastards
All I want is the truth

let's get the funny stuff out of the way.

The Government wants you to be aware of a terrorist plot to blow up beer coolers.

And, interstingly enough... did you know that Jeffery Jones, Actor in such movies as ""Mom and Dad Save the World", Howard The Duck", "Beetlejuice", "Ferris Bueller's Day Off", and i think "Amadeus" is a Registered Sex offender? Neither did I. and if your curious as to who in your area(in IL, At least) is an RSO, Look Here.

and here is a little PSA: If you Cook Meth in your House, don't expect the Police to have any pity on you when someone breaks into your house. (Waiting for FARK to pick it up.)

anyways, went out tonight with the Jones boys, Salmo, Mama Celeste, and a few others to the various bars around c-town, and had a good time. beers were drank, stories were told, and fun was had. all of this is a precursor to the bash that will be tonight at Sal's House. and let me be the first to say on the Net: Sully is a kickass Northeast Seaboarder, if for nothing else than for the way he took to Stag. Anyways, i switched shifts so i can finally experience the Trash can cookout that the sal's have every year around this time, and i cannot wait.

SO... here's the part you prolly don't want to read.


i woke today from a dream that i liked. I will not describe it, but i will reassure you that it was not a wet dream of any sorts. But when i did finally wake, i could feel nothing but this aura of sadness. All i could feel is the way how everything i had has been slipping through my hands, and all i did was just open my hands ever the wider to let it go right on through.

i guess what i'm saying, i that i'm missing her. I shouldn't, becuase i at least get to talk to her and keep tabs on how she's doing, and i like that. I still feel important to her when i am kept in the loop with what's going on in her life.

but, i feel, i guess you could call it a pang of jealousy, somewhat put out that i don't intimately know what's going on with her. we give each other the broad strokes of what's going on with us, most likely to keep from burdening each other with our own personal problems. to dive too deep into each other right now would be emotional suicide for one or the other.

I miss that, though. Maybe i didn't know it right. Maybe i forgot a kind gesture or something, but i was listening. I was never able to help, as my experiences in life differed from hers, but i felt this Connection in the sense that she let me in, and that made me feel special. it made me feel that i did matter to her.

right now, i'd give anything to feel that way again.

I'm trying to make good on things that i've said. i'm not prefect, though, i'll admit that. I let my feelings bleed though in what i say, and i think that scares her off. it's almost funny... the more emotional i become, the more i end up pushing away those that i love.

i could write a book on what i feel right now, but all it would do i garner sympathy and make peope go "awww.... You should really go back to him, he's really hurting blah blah blah", which is not what i want to happen. all i'm doing is dumping my feelings. anyone who dares to try to interpret this as a way to go and "talk her" into coming back to me on my behalf is not truely someone who i should conisder a friend.

i want to write more, but honestly, i should just go to bed.

i guess...that i hope that one day, i can be the man she needs and wants me to be.


mdame



Did I tell you you're wonderful?
I miss you
yes I do
Did I tell you that I was wrong?
I was wrong
For so long long long