There is no Honor is being the outcast.

when I look with an honest vision, and i see those that have mattered to me...The few that have truly mattered to me.... are doing better without your romantic influence, it's heartbreaking. you try not to think about it. you push it out of your mind with whatever forces you can muster: mine being rage and anger, and maybe, sometimes it works. you stop thinking about it and it stops bothering you. but that's only for the ones who didn't mean much. the ones that did.... well, that's another matter.

You think about all the little things that mattered. and the things that didn't but should have. you try to tell yourself you did all you could. but there's doubt and uncertainty. so, you fight. you fight to the bitter fucking end, and in the end... it will not matter. hate is your weapon, and Anger your shield. and you can destroy ANYTHING. but in this war, they're useless. No matter how big and tough and willing to do whatever it takes to save this, you've already lost against an enemy that no matter how superior your forces are, they've got what matters, whatever that may be, and you don't.

you fight, still. because this means something. while lost on anyone else, this is very real and tangible and there are extreme consequences if you lose this. you're too stubborn or too stupid or too blind to see it any other amicable way.

This path, no matter how right you may feel about it, leads only to one outcome: Exile.

No longer welcome in any sense, you sear with rage unleashed. Cast out from everything you have sacrificed so much for, you nurse a cold bitterness in the pit of your stomach, fed by alcohol and smoke and regret. Soon it takes over the most vulnerable organ: your heart. it becomes poisoned, envenomed to the point that you no longer want love and joy and all that bullshit that everyone else seems to be having and loving and living. you just want to seethe over tattered memories as you return to all that you once were and hate, hanging on day to day by bare threads in a world that turned it's back on you, and so you turned yours on it.

And while you drink deep from the waters of Hatred, you can't help but to notice just over the lip of the bowl... how better they have done without you. a new promotion, a new love, a life ahead of them that they couldn't imagine anything else.

Maybe you were the cancer all along. how does that feel? to be the tumor to those you Loved so very much? So you Drink more. Quaffing and gulping down that fire that does no good, but is all that can sustain you in these times. Emotions, at least the good ones, like love and whatnot, are luxuries you can no longer afford.

Nobody's gonna save you.

No one's riding up and saying you were the one all along.

It really is you against the world.

And they, despite your best attempts... are winning.



There is no Romance in being the Outcast.

Four months since I lost this war.

An eternity since I told myself once again, "This is the price i promised myself i would pay".
Not to play the part of the victim.

Just an honest appraisal of events since transpired.

Hate and anger. it was supposed to destroy me in the end.

Funny. Hate and anger is all that has kept me alive now.

I know you are there. Just beyond the digital haze that has settled. Just beyond that wall that i helped build and you reinforced. Can you even hear me anymore? Would what I say matter? Would I'm sorry ever fit in this context? Would I ever hear it from you? This is just as much yours, as it is mine.

So sorry.
So sorry I wear my hurt so openly for so long.
You would have missed it otherwise i fear.
I'm not clever enough to mix it subtlety in with some hip band's lyrics that you'd "get".



Or have you forgiven yourself completely? Do you just come occasionally, just to pat yourself on the back and say "Well, i gave it my all, but he's fuckin crazy. No hope for him." Does it help you sleep at night? Because my bed's still cold (is yours?) Yet I still burn with endless rage. Burned into my head, that thought of the other. The other who enjoys you late into the night. Wears your stink. Pulled you up onto your knees. Talked down to you. Made me feel second-rate.

Denied me what was mine for so long.

Dead eyes see clearly; as they move through a life that was not supposed to be theirs. A body moves through the ether; going through the motions but not believing this was to be it's fate. Dying lips smile politely, lying to everyone about how they feel because what they feel is not wanted.

You tell me.

You.
Tell.
Me.


How was it worth it?

How do you absolve this?

all these years on
I'm still looking for answers in the dust of what was.
Hoping there was still something there.
because i need something there.
Something.
Anything.


This fallen champion, This disgraced hero.
He needs a reason to continue.



he's running out of excuses.

Dear Capcom,

Resident Evil 5 sucks. I know I'm a lone dissenter in a sea of "Awesome!", but you fucked up, son. You apparently need to take a class on how to do split-screen co-op properly . There's a game, it's called GoldenEye. They had FOUR FUCKING SCREENS and used every goddamned last bit of TV Real estate that was available. The graphics scaled down so shit ran smoothly(at least, I think it did, but I'm not a fucking engineer) on ALL FOUR SCREENS. AT ONCE. seriously. what purpose does it serve to have two screens that don't even take up the entire goddamned TV? Hardware limitations? Programming lazniness? Artistic presentation? Well, guess what? YOU FUCKED UP. Also, the controls suck. I can't really bitch about it for myself, but hey, I'll kick a dog while it's down. I'm not above it.

And you know what else? Why does Chris "Popeye" Redfield have such huge fucking forearms? Has he been jacking off elephants on an assembly line between games, or what? somebody PLEASE explain this to me.


In closing, Send 60 bucks to Brandocrap for making a terrible co-op mode. And send me a PS3 so I won't keep bitching about your terrible game. Make sure it's the version that's backwards-compatible too, assholes.


Regards,


Livingdead.


P.S. Family Video(s) in springfield, IL, you should really try to carry more than two copies of a popular title. Dicks.

Like ashes in the fall

Sort of a twofer here. Consider it a "thank you" of sorts for keeping me in 'tha bidness'.

In the post before last, I unapolgetically bashed a certain emerging trendographic, focusing upon shirts this time. it led to me getting this message:

SAH0077:Would it be ironic 2 wear an american thunder shirt?

LD: no. just trashy.

If you don't know what an American Thunder t-shirt is, that's okay. it may have been a rural/regional thing. I really didn't want to go into detail explaining it, but since google isn't going to tell you anything, i guess it's up to xoxxed dot com to become the internets authoriy on American Thunder T shirts. Oh, the things I'm willing to associate my website for your knowledge, internet.

An american thunder T shirt was a popular choice among... ahem... choice demographics in the 80's-90's. It was a black t-shirt That tended to have some sort of intimidating animal on the front(Bears, Wolves, and Eagles were a popular choice) snarling at you. if that was not warning enough of the bad-assed nature of the person wearing the shirt, there was lightning on the shirt to drive the point home that this person was not to be fucked with. A true American Thunder shirt had lightning that reached all the way around the shirt, starting from the back to the front and possibly down the arms, too. I have to stress that yes, there was knockoffs of this particular fashion, that only had the lightning on the front. Typically they had less-imposing animals on them too, like Trout or Bluejays. How the fuck does an eagle Snarl? Ornithologists, you're being called out.

If the fact that the person was wearing a black t-shirt with ANIMALS and LIGHTNING FUCKING EVERYWHERE was not warning enough, there was the American Thunder logo centered on the back of the t-shirt, possibly the eye of the storm that raged upon the polyester-blended tapestry of bitterness for Society. when you saw one of these bad boys on someone, you KNEW you were in trouble. To have one within 50 feet of you was a clear warning, and if you got your yap smacked because you were mouthing off about some faggy shit like technology or reading or women's rights, well it's your own goddamned fault.

Still confused? Well, this this little piece of the internet that my buddy Lexa Pointed to once, the venerated Wolf Shirt, oughta sort you out.

This piece of shitty fashion history has been brought to you by xoxxed dot com. We're Not Dead Yet!


Switch me on
Turn me up

Allow me to go ahead an start this out by saying I'm not a fan of 'lil Wayne. if you like him, that's cool, whatever. Your thing. Whatevs.

My dislike only deepened when on a car ride with Nunkie what I heard on NPR an Article on said artist. (PROTIP: Imagine the lines "I own about half a dozen Lil Wayne mixtapes, and there are many more out there. My favorite is called Da Drought 3." read in a very whitebread voice, and then find out DUH DUH DUN THE SHOCKING TRUTH.

Pretty shaky grounds for not liking his music, i'm sure. Maybe i just can't appreciate it becuase I haven't been properly fucked to it or something. I dunno. Maybe it's me. Anyway, Let's fast-forward a couple of months.

We have The local rock station playing in the workshop, because we're all sick of country music christmas songs, and I hear this...hard rock song that sounds horrible. Like babies being eaten by mutant sharks horrible. Then, there's some baleful wailing that passes as singing. "Okay." I begin to think, "This sucks, that's not suprising. But...why the hell does this sound familar?" Then it hits me. Within the screeching abomination that i guess is supposed to be vocal talent, I hear lyrics that I remember from too many nights at Cotton's.

"Jesus fucking Christ, Someone covered Lollipop."

Of course, my co-workers are now staring at me becuase I am talking to myself. again. I think they grabbed everything I could use as a weapon and hid it, too.

I continued to subject myself through the song, only becuase I want to hear who made this abortion of a song. Amazingly, the radio cuts out just as the Deejay(who hates you, by the way, becuase he played that song) announces who the "artist" is.

This will not stand. I must find out who this is. I may have possibly found the one band that sucks worse than Hinder.

If you ever heard me wail on about Hinder(god, i get a bad taste just writing that name), you know the seriousness of the charge I just leveled.

Well this little cat-and-mouse game continued on for about a month, until I finally figured it out using the magical powers of the internet and myspace music.

It's like opening Pandora's box. I almost wished i never learned who it was. I don't even want to sully my computer screen by writing thier name. but know this, Shitty band THAT SHALL NOT BE NAMED: I wisah that you would die A slow, gruesome, and painful death.

And 'lil wayne, if you ever read my blog, Fuck you. Fuck you for allowing them to cover your song. I hope you choke, too.


And while i'm at it, Fuck Unicorns.



Hey! I'm here to have sex with you, for Money!

I work with guys who are into different things than i am. In effect, i'm a dork, they're not so much. This is normal. Usually we can find a meeting ground on the things we do off work, like drinking. I like drinking. Too much, it seems. I'm okay with that, most of you aren't. that's cool. My life, not yours. Whatevs.

Anyway, they are slowly figuring out that i march to my own beat. Over the last three months, like a steam pressure valve, I've slowly let the crazy out, exposing them to things they were not prepared for. such as:

-My theory that girls do not poop, but only think they do, due to an inferiority complex; and the science behind it.

-Screaming "GODDAMN YOU BRANDON!" every time "One Night In Bangkok" comes on the radio.

-Saying "let's kill something with it" when asked a question. any Question can be resolved usually by killing something in my book.

- Adding "...the cheating whore" when i'm talking about anything that is currently pissing me off, usually wrapping a skid or botching about my horrible relationship track record.


- Being glad that i'm not a broke, balding 31 year old about to be out of a job. Yet.

- Screaming "GODDAMN YOU RACHEL!" when "The Warrior" comes on the radio.

- Telling them that everyone's going to be sorry that they didn't listen to me about the impending zombie apocalypse(WHICH I WAS INTO BEFORE IT WAS COOL GODDAMNIT)

- My hatred of Hipsters, particualy 37 year old boy hipsters. did you know that in the hipster community, A hipster over 30 is called 'a Grandpa?', boy, that must suck.

- Screaming "GODDAMN YOU TMAN!" every time "Lovin Every Minute Of It" comes on the radio.

- putting my hands up to my mouth in a Cthulu- like gesture every time Phil Collins is on the radio. and then sometimes just for the hell of it.


Well.. you get the picture. I'm weird. You, my Loyal reader(s), already knew that I vacilliate bewteen complete and total despair and basking in pure chaos. This kind of stuff is...well, you're used to it.


Today as a landmark event however, as far as weirdness goes.

I was at work today, musing away when i got the greatest idea in the world. HOW AWESOME, my mind screamed to myself, if Guns N Roses re-did "paradise city", except changed the chorus to reflect MY interests? it went along the lines of

"Take me down to Dalaran City
Where the orcs are green and the Gnomes are pretty
OH WONT YOU PLEASE SET MY STONE, YEA YEAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"


Then my co-worker asked me what was so funny, since i was laughing to myself.

Then i had to explain it to someone who didn't play Warcraft, or engage in other kinds of dorkery for that matter.

You would have thought I was talking about advanced string theory physics set in a crazy messed up universe where Ape ruled Man.


CP Violation

The Light has abandoned you.

So.

thirty years on. Yeah.

Oh, if only i even had the will to do the "noble" thing. I would finally be rid of all this... whatever. Seems i have even been sapped of that sturdy resolve to no longer be a drain upon humanity and those that can still make a difference.


Tch. Can we, really?

Do i even want to, at this point?

I'm not so sure.

Because... honestly, what's the point?

seems like no matter what path i choose, i keep heading back down the one i've pretty much known all my life.

Even when i can Break free for a time, i still find my way down this damned path. all encompassing. enclosing. Darkness.

Maybe i'm just fighting destiny. maybe i just shouldn't care anymore. maybe i should just let go and fake a smile about it all and find some solace in...something. what. i don't know.

I keep sitting upon this throne. Glaring. Seething.

It's what i am good at.

Hate and wrath, those very negative fires some would see quelled, are the only things that have kept me alive to this point.

and even now, i have no good enemies to focus upon. losing my will to even hate.

Meaningless? maybe.

But Hate and Wrath never lied to me. unlike Love.


all either find some way to appease and placate me, or become faceless entities ones i could easily hate, but yet... it means nothing, as i never met them. know them.

I need a new disease. or a new perfect enemy. they are all that keep me going. all that keeps me rising out of my cold bed with no one there to prod me on and tell me it's okay to go out into this completely fucked beyond all hope world. day. after. day. no point in the morning, and none at evening. just more and more motonomy. like you give a fuck. cus you got yours, right?


like you would join forces with me anyway. I think everything you told me was a lie once you left. you'd sooner make me the bad guy than admit your faults and enclose it within a Tweedy quote. then use your circular logic to justify your ways.

Like you, Dear savior, would actually do what you set out to do and save me. You ran. Dress it up all you want, but you ran when you found out it was going to be a bit more work than you thought. but hey... at leats you tried, right? after all this time, you still held...something. whatever.


I think every girl in my life has lied to me, whatever the reason might be.


Better to believe that than to think of the alternative.


See? i can lie to myself, too. hey, it's not too bad. LOL NO GREENER GRASS LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.

Maybe i can get used to this. Start being a douchebag, like most Boys out there looking for a piece of ass.
So keep fucking those boys that pretend to be men and are somehow better becuase they can make cool socially revelant references, or quote obscure songs that no one who isn't cool has heard of.

Keep fucking them like they deserve and worship every inch of you. See how empty you feel at the end of it all.

Then wonder why.

Nah, i'm not bitter in the least. Not. at. all.

I have NO REASON or RIGHT to be. NONE.



Dreamt for light years in the belly of a mountain

War wages on, Pollution is rampant, divorce is at an all time-high. Criminals walk the street freely, and somewhere, animals are dying in a shelter.

only one person can help us now.

Bomberman.

You see, a Bomberman's love is very different from that of a square. Bomberman, for those of you who have been indocrinated to the sacreligious, profane, and false ideals of other multiplayer games, is a game which, if you have any hope for a better life, you will play, understand, and master. I can't really tell you the aim of the single player, as i never have played it and, quite honestly, i don't believe there is such thing as a single player bomberman game. it's all a lie. anyway, so i'm going to make up my own story.

YOU are one of the bombermen, which is essentially Death Incarnate couched within sprite graphics. your objective is to bomb the living shit out of everything and everyone within your 13x11 playing field and hope to god you are the last person left alive. You will collect powerups that will increase your ability to shit out more and moar bombs, powerups that will increase the length of your flamedicks(this is a technical term, read the manual) to stretch nearly across the entire board, and herpes, which you sometimes want, and sometimes don't.


Alliances are made and broken faster than Vegas chapel vows in The game. mild-mannered churchwomen will curse in demonic tongues. New swear words will be invented and forgotten in the babbling litany that comes after losing a match. Marriages will be saved, then ruined, friendships broken and reestablished within three minutes of gameplay. If Bomberman was around in the World war II era, it either would have saved millions of lives or we would be living in cinderous, toxic remains of a nuclear exchange. Japan's modern day Samurai exist today as Bombermen bioengineered in the cold, robotic womb of a femme console system, stored away within the time infinite, waiting for the day these New World-Jesuses shall be needed to horse-fuck the human race into oblivion to purge our planet once and for all of the disease we have come to be as simplistic, celebrity-worshipping, whoremongering luddities of filth, luchre, and Materia, forcing the righteous dead to return from on high, enwrapped within flaming wings to do epic battles with our cutesy-visored savior-murderers in futile effort for our collective souls.

It's your patriotic duty to play this game.


Ignite ignite ignite ignite ignite ignite ignite ignite ignite

Ghosts IV 37

Me: HAI2U. I'm putting in my notice. i wanna move out by the 15th of next month.

Them: KK. Y?

ME: Stuff Sucks. QQ

THEM: KK, L8r


A few days later...


Them: A Wizard has found your lease isn't up till 6/30. is this awesome y/n?

Me: LOLWUT?


Also...

A recurring theme...

ME: >chckmail.exe -tax return?

NO SUCH ITEM "TAX RETURN" FOUND. DIRECTIONS ARE N S E W. COMMAND?

Me: Fuck.

NO SUCH DIRECTION "Fuck". DIRECTIONS ARE N S E W. COMMAND?

repeat ad infinitum for the last month. until...


Me: >chckmail.exe -Tax return?

Them: LOLZ ALL YOUR TAXES ARE BELONG TO US. IS THIS AWESOME Y/N?

Me: "..."

Them: NO SUCH DIRECTION "..." DIRECTIONS ARE N S E W. COMMAND?


So in the end, I was eaten by a grue. yay.




You never noticed
You were so sure

So sick of it all

infecting myself with the old mes

fill my lungs with sorrow
till i drown
My veins with hate
till i stroke
my heart with venom
till it bursts


Can't see the reason anymore

Can't see the good

can't see why

can't see

see



burning down to ashes

then burning the ashes

time's up.


You could have stopped this. why didn't you?



I cannot tell you how much i wanted this to go otherwise.


But time is not our friend these days.


I must make decisions. Ones i wanted to make otherwise, but your continued silence has forced me to make on my own. desisions i never wanted to make. You could have changed it all. and you didn't. did i really matter that little to you? can we really not exist outside of that litle realm we once lived in? Even now, i cannot believe it. It could have went otherwise. But...

things have gome terribly wrong. And i still have questions that i will probably never have answered. god, why? why after so long must i return to this? what did i do that was so wrong? i know i wasn't perfect, but i had my reasons. None of this ever had to come to be.

The plan got fucked up.

the plan. heh. the plan. we always plan but it never comes to be.


couldn't even take the time to tell me that you wouldn't be over.

I am undone. All that i hoped. all that i needed. gone. like so much ashes and dust. like all i have ever known i should be used to this by now

how easy it is for me to slip back into this mode. one i hoped never to have to come to again becuase i thought this time it would be different. so much for thinking. can't believe i thought it would be. after all i done to try.

I moved away for love.

And now....

oh.


and now.


i needed this so much. i needed to believe that it was finally going to go in my favor for once. OH SO FUCKING SAPPY YOU PUSSY ASSED FUCKTARD NOTHING EVER'S GOING TO CHANGE YOU AREN'T MEANT FOR THIS



So what?


what is there left?

Go back to everything you hate?

Reign in hell, rather than serve in heaven?

Aye.


You have no choice. fate has said so. no one cares enough to help you try otherwise. it's your fucking responsibility anyway. you fucking pussy.

imagine that. bested by a vegan faggot. oh, buster. buster, buster, buster.....


oohhh look i'm so different becuase i'm 36 fucking years old and into all kinds of cool indie shit BECAUSE I CAN'T GROW UP AND BE A FUCKING MAN. I HAVE TO HAVE A CADRE OF WOMENS TELLING ME HOW COOL I AM AND YET STILL BE SO FUCKING UNHAPPY. yeah. running home. you fucking won you four-eyed, tie-wearing, i'm so smarter than everyone else 36 GOING ON 16 FUCKHOLE.

you took everything that mattered to me away with your goddamned self-serving, Spoiled little bitch neuroses.


WHAT THE FUCK DID I EVER DO TO YOU?

you hated me and never even knew me


So fucking unhappy with yourself you gotta wreck other's lives?

I hold you indirectly responsible for this failure,

I have my faults, no doubt. YOU sure as fucking shit didn't make it any easier. why, seriously? WHAT THE FUCK DID I EVER DO TO YOU?

if you were a real friend, you would have never been like this, making it harder for your "friend". tell me, don't you still have a thing for her? that's the only thing i can come up with that would explain you acting the way you have... yelling at her for me contacting you when you could have easily said no i don't feel comfortable doing that....Getting into an arguement on thanksgiving over the fact that i was moving up here becuase you thought i would be taking her away from you. if you wuld have got to know me you would have seen i wouldn't have done that in any sort of lifetime. ever.

you'll never see this probably, becuase you're the type that would pull that kind of faggotry. as you already have.

God. you really lose out to a some real winners, yea? what makes you think you are worth it? such a whiny pussy can't even take care of yourself. gotta run home, lick your wounds and seethe.



i hate you....i hate you all





I'm gonna fill myself up with so much hatred

and so much rage

no one will ever get in again

no one




As for you.

Southern illinois.

oh. you... such a special place in my fucked up blacked out heart.

you tried to kill me slowly. twenty-plus fucking years you tried with all your fucked up status quo ways. Me and my family.

and you couldn't. we kept on. i held out. I FUCKING SURVIVED YOU PIECES OF SHIT. I'M STILL FUCKING HERE, ASSHOLES. I'M STILL HERE.

Most are all too willing to go out on thier knees, begging.

not me.



my time up here has changed me vastly.

they tried to kill me too, you know... with thier own brand of poison. much stronger. much more potent than you culd ever imagine.

They failed. Just like you did. you and your "oh we're so genteel but really we're just as wicked as anyone else but we're more sly about it" bullshit. I'm calling you the fuck out.


I'm coming back. soon.

So prepare, southern illinois, prepare. Your bastard son is returning, knowing the true meaning of being a Destroyer. and he has grown intolerant of your good 'ol boy faggotry.


I am born again in the fires of vengeance.

Hated.

Retribution.

you're gonna kill me standing on my own two feet, kicking and screaming.

I don't think this came out the way I wanted, in fact, I'm pretty sure I went way off-point, but fuck it. I got to put on my Internet tough Guy shoes and wear an Onion on my belt for a bit.



There's a bit of a tizzy going on with STLbloggers, And people are pissed about it. I'm not going to get into large detail over it, as you can Easily go get the jist of what peoples' general opinions are about it in the comments, or here, or Here. Either of those last two links will get Send you on a myriad of other links so you can gather what the local Blogging community thinks about the issue.

here's my perspective.

I don't fool myself into thinking that I'm ever going to be good enough to get paid to do this thing full-time. It's a lovely dream to chew on from time to time, but when it comes to content, and..ahem... Timeliness, I'm not so hot sometimes. I repeat myself, tend to whine and bitch about oh-so-important things, and typo like I'm drunk trying to piss and never bother to clean up the mess. I'm a-okay with that, too. For the pittance of money I pay yearly, I get:

1. a place on the internet where I can divulge into my more voyeurstic side... Anyone who is willing can stop by and take a peek at what's running, or has ran, in my head. Maybe they'll find out something they didn't know and go "gfee, hmm... this kit's pretty alright", or more likely, they go "yup. still crazy as shit." whichever.

2. A "home". Something I dived into before.

3. A place where I can satisfy my delinquent urge to shout profanities in the public wihtout getting arrested, pissing off soccer moms, or look like a crazy homeless guy.


I don't charge, or sell ads on my site for several reasons. The foremost being an ethos I still try to hold to: That Information longs to be free. you can thank Steven Levy for putting that in my head at a young, impressionable age. Yes, yes, i know, the net dosen't work like that anymore, web 2.0 web 2.0 RAH RAH SIS BOOM BAH. Other reasons are pretty much along the lines of quality of work, and the fact that some part of me would feel wrong if i made money off saying "fuck' 50+ times in an "article". Also, I can be rather petty and offensive, and that dosen't usually set well with advertisers.

There's a bit of feng shui worked in there, too: I like simple, easily presentable designs(yet I don't go back and correct the typos and copypaste mistakes, and that makes me a hypocrite!), and having complete control over what is on my page and how it is presented. I know there are ways you can do taseful ads without letting them take over your site, but I'd just as soon not deal with the beast altogether for now.

I answer to no one on here. I like that feeling.

Anyway, the point I'm wanting to make is that there is a threat of content being taken out of context and published on other sites where essentially money can be made off content they did not create, with or without owner consent. again, others have said it better than I can. As I said on STLbloggers, it's not happened to me because either I'm not important enough, or no one's stupid enough to try. I like to believe the latter, but realize it's probably the former.

Again, that's absolutely fine by me.


And part of me shouldn't even really care. Even befor i moved away, I never really considered myself in tight with the STL area blogging community. I prefer to remain on the outer edge. Not because I'm trying to come off as some sort of elitist snob, or that I get the feeling that I'm unwelcome within the community, it's Just a habit I picked up growing up. Nonetheless, I do consider myself part of it in some form, and I do care what happens to other local bloggers, so I find myself wondering what I should say in support of them. And that's where i get a bit tongue-tied. I know i'm not really something that many people want(or are willing) to link to due to the Nature of the site, so i find myself wondeering if I should even speak up.

I do, however, have to consider the fact that it is a possiblity that something like this could happen to me. So, in closing, allow me to leave a tale of caution.

I run this site as a labor of love. i allow(and want!) people to read it, if they so choose. I do have myself listed on a couple of services that I ping when I update becuase it suits my fancy.

If i were to find my stuff being updated elsewhere that isn't my site, and without my permission... that will be bad.

very bad.

I'll post the Pain Series, Last Measure, The Power 5, Rickrolls, Fifty-Hitler posts, you name it. I'll scorch the very earth I worked, and pull down the pillars of my own palace.

So don't.



So here they come
One by one
Them killers of the new frontier

This has been building up for a while. here goes nothing.

sunday night I got asked out of the blue by my team lead: "Do you have a lot of drama going on or something? You always look like you're mad at the world."

My Actual response: "No. No drama. I'm sorry I don't smile a lot. I've been told it's scary."

What I wanted to say: WHAT FUCKING BUSINESS IS IT OF YOURS? I'm sorry I don't partake in the rumor mill/ Work politics, but I'm not getting paid to express my opinion on who's fucking who at work, and i'm not about to let you know what the hell's going on in my head. I don't know why this pissed me off so much, but it did.

Monday Night, I got switched around a lot, and at one point was working the baler, something i don't have a lot of experience on. The production Lead was also keeping tabs on me to make sure i'm not goofing off.

Side note: last week when i was working on the baler, he walked off after a bit, as he's the lead and had other stuff to do obviously. i had finished up what he had told me to bale, and didn't know for sure if we were going to also bale up the two large boxes of cardboard scrap. So, instead of rushing off and having him search the floor for me, Ic took some initive started sweeping around the disgusting area. when he came back, he blew up at me and said "I Don't need anyone to sweep the warehouse." and then put me in time out. (a.k.a. Assembly. Assembly, in a word, sucks. I suck at it. he knows I hate it, and that's why he sent me there for the rest of the shift.) oh, Silly me. Okay then. Think how pissed off he would have been if he had waltzed out there and found me sitting there with my thumb up my ass, not doing anything.

So, with the lesson of taking initive having got me into trouble still fresh in mind, i end up goofing up on the baler. It takes time to get it fixed, and by the time he comes back out there, I'm still tying down the baling wires(which is another task in itself, since if it is too loose, the bale will fall apart when ejected).

He was already in a pissy mood since it snowed like hell that night and there were a lot of calloffs and basically laid into me about how long i was taking and that this isn't that hard of a job how areyounotgettingit in the tone that basically spoke "you're a fucking idiot." and walked off again. He cme back later and gruffly issued a command to grab the other tote from the floor for elements.

There are two things on the floor that contained elements that he could have been referring to: One, being the big blue wheelie totes that basically contains inital scrap waste, and the other being a large cardboard box that scrap elements found later down the line are tossed into.

I ask "Am i going to need to bring the pallet Jack?" Trying to discern which "tote" he is talking about. Remember, the last time I took initive, i got yelled at anyway.

"WHAT, YOU WANNA CARRY IT BY YOURSELF? YES BRING THE PALLET JACK!" and stormed off again. The LEam tead was there, and supposedly said something to him about it and that "I'll get an apology later on before you leave". Yeah, Sure. good thing i didn't hold my breath.

"Fuck and double fuck. these last two nights have sucked. Gosh, i hope tonight is better." Was all i could think when i woke up last night. Bzzzt. wrong.

At work last night, i got pulled aside by the team lead, and voiced her concerns about me wearing the same clothes every day to work, and that people are noticing and making comments about it.

"I mean, i dunno if you take a bath or anything, but i mean, you gotta have other pants and shirts to wear, right? Get some color going on there."


she actually said that. word for fucking word.

What. the. fuck.



Now, let me explain something here.

When I was hired, I was told not to "wear anything that I'm attached to", since they will most definately get covered in resin in the factory.

I have three pairs of older carhartt Jeans I cycle through for work. all are the same light brownish color, as they were bought aorund the same time and have faded with repeated washings. I have a Dickies long sleeve workshirt i wear as a smock over my tshirt(THAT I CHANGE EVERY FUCKING DAY AS WELL AS MY SOCKS AND UNDERWEAR, YOU FUCKTARDS) So only the smock gets resin on it and not the tshirt. The smock is covered in dried resin, and gets washed every week(AS WELL AS MY OTHER CLOTHES, YOU FUCKTARDS) but unfortunately some of that resin is just plain and simply not going to come off.

I don't have a large operating budget here, ESPECIALLY since they have been only running us 4 days a week for the last month, So I don't really like the idea of ruining all my clothes just so i can keep up appearences. I'm not there to catch snatch with what I wear, anyway. I'm there to work. I cannot afford the luxory of fashion at this point. especially on these wages.

And seriously, "I dunno if you take a bath or anything"? WHAT THE FUCK. Water's included in my fucking rent. so YES I take a fucking shower. DAILY. EVERY FUCKING DAY.

I was so pissed when I walked out of there at the end of the shift, I could barely see straight. I didn't even wait aroud in the lot for my car to warm up. I wanted the fuck out of there.

ANd yet, they wonder why they have such a high turnover.

If i had a sure line on another job, I would have walked out of there on lunch. if i didn't need the money, I would have walked and hope I got lucky on a job offer quick. Sadly, Luck does not pay bills.

As soon as I get a spare 300 bucks, I'm getting CompTIA A+ certified. Dosen't Mean I'm certainly going to land a job, but I'm real sick and tired of the skills i do have not getting much more than fucking peanuts. i should have been certified ten fucking years ago.


So, in summary.

I'm a retard, and a skank. Awesome.

Thanks for the performace review.

Maybe tonight I'll find out that I'm also a baby-raper or something.


Goddamnit I'm so angry right now


They sing while they slave and i just get bored

The Apple IIe was the pinnacle of computing for at my grade school and high school. From Kindergarten to 11th grade, these computers were used to teach the kids at Christopher all about the exciting world of technology. Yes, you read that right. My graduating class had one year of practical use on modern computers. I think the most usage we got out of it was playing snake byte and programming screen to print out something over and over until you forced a break in the routine. i had my own fun with an emulator once, long ago. I need to find another emulator and come up with more shit like that.(EDIT: Thanks for the update Bill, link is now changed) Anyway, to the story i have selected for you today.

When I was in second grade, my reading teacher, Mrs. B, would allow anyone who finished thier work early to play lemonade stand on the computer in her room. Being a kid who had only a lowly atari 2600 at home(Nintendo was the cool thing to have, and I was essentially the last kid on the block to get a NES), the prospect of playing with what was essentially a giant toy was overwhelming. Alas, I was slow in completing my work in class, so most of my time was spent at my desk, watching Nathan Rice(more on this little prick later) and someone else play lemonade stand. This sucked, and I wanted to have a chance to play that goddamn game. So one week, I took all my shit home and studied my little tubby, fat heart out until I could recite all the pronouns and thier various uses to a second grader in my sleep.

On the day of the big test, I raced right through my test, knocking out all the questions without a second thought. I knew they were right and I didn't need to waste prescious computer playing time checking my answers. After scribbling my name on the paper, I looked around at my peers. Ha. they were all still working on thier test. I'd have at least 5 minutes alone before some asshole finishes up as well and I have the share(I had a few problems with this being an only child, so I'm told) the computer with them. I marched my proud self up to the teacdher's desk, handed in the test, and politely asked Mrs. B. what I thought was rightly mine for this period.

"I'm finished with my work. May I play the computer now?"

"Mike, you haven't used the computer all year." She mused. "You wouldn't Know HOW to even use it!" a couple of the front-row kids had a laugh at this. Much like the time Nathan Rice put a tack in my seat and everyone in the class but me knew about it, and I didn't feel it at all because I was a fat lil porker. Everyone had a laugh at that, including the teacher. Also, she let everyone pinch me on St. Patrick's day because I didn't wear green. Christ, I hate her and that class. Small wonder I grew up such a misanthrope.

So while I stood there, dejected, a couple other kids came up and handed in thier work, asked if they could play the computer, and she let them. I guess I had miscalculated my peers by a few minutes. also, i wasn't as important or as cool as them.

I wanted to tell this story as a way of saying "fuck you" to my old reading teacher for basically saying I was too stupid to use the computer back then, and gloat over the fact that I know more about computers than she ever will, despite her lack of encouragement. Also, I ended up having her again in the 6th grade, where she constantly bragged about her homeroom kids that were so goddamned special because they were in band and they appearantly pissed solid gold, were going to change the world, and pulled hijinks that normally she would punish anyone else for but they were special and it was funny, so she didn't. Meanwhile, the other two 6th grade classes were pure shit and got in toruble for sharpening our goddamned pencils. If there is a personal hell for me, it will be repeating grade and junior high school for infinity. But after all that, you know what? Fuck this. Apparently, I need to go make a "People I'm going to kill" list. I'm gonna go find my lipstick.

Somebody go warn Nathan Rice.

There's a big black hole
Gonna eat me up someday

A quick one. I'm on dayshift this week, and it's fucking with my thought processes.

Guy comes in last week while I'm eating. Buys some liquor, and decides to educate me on my dinner.

Now, I'm one of those people who dosen't like to talk much when I'm eating. I want to eat, enjoy it, and get it over with without too many people staring at me and going "Oh my god! that guy is disgusting! no wonder he's a fucking fatass!" When in an envrioment where there's almost no privacy(i.e. work), I tend to get defensive with my food. one guy nearly got shanked with a pen once, And I tend to literally growl like a dog when someone starts hovering near my food at work. Some would probably see that as being too aggressive, but I look at it this way: If you're stupid enough to stick your fingers in a fat kid's food when they're eating, then you deserve to lose a finger because he mistakens it for a floating hot dog.

Anyway, back to the story. I just want to get back to sucking on the chicken bones like a ghoul, but the retarded offspring of Richard Simmons and Humpty Dumpty is standing there I guess trying to be funny and smart.

"Hey, did you know that KFC puts hormones in thier food that causes impotency in men? Hope you didn't want any kids!" He says matter-of-factly with a "Heh heh, fatass" look on his face.

Smirk. "Thanks for the heads up." Then a cold expression washes over my face. "Oh, by the way, that pint of Calvert you buy daily? Liv-ver fail-ure. Have a good one." Nod.

And I did exactly what I wanted to do - Turned back to licking the marrow of the poor chicken who was murdered for my fast-food feast. Yum.

Oh yeah, did anyone read the Letters to the Editor in the southern today? go read it the Last letter. I wish I was that... talented.



I hate to be the bearer of bad news
But you're gonna die

I had to go pay a seat belt ticket today because I don't believe in the nanny-state laws and usually don't wear mine. I still don't believe that I should have to wear a seat belt, especially when cyclists don't have to wear anything more than a pair of shades in the state of Illinois. that's not the point I want to dive into right now though. that's a whole other can of worms and I'm not here to piss off the bikers today. I'm here to piss off the local government since they succeeded in putting me in such a sour mood.

For those who aren't as intimate with the Franklin County courthouse as I am, let me sum it up for you. You have a courthouse, right smack dab in the middle of a junction of three state highways that create a one way "circle"(but the town calls it a square, figure that one out) that is basically a fucked up counterclockwise one-way street that has NO stop or yield signs. Not a one of 'em.

Driving The square itself depends on a honor system of cars letting other cars in and out of the square. This sucks already because people are assholes and have to be at more important places than you, such as going to wal-mart to buy a 30 fucking cases of cheap tampons and twelve packs of balongna, or going to the Circle K to buy a soda with a coupon and then return it so you have enough money to go buy some meth other whatever. If you're going to the courthouse, well, good luck with that. If you don't want to hoof it across the usually busy square and get your hip shattered by way of a soccermom-driven Ford Expedition, you can park right at the courthouse which basically puts your parked car at the mercy of some idiot who thinks that any empty space in the square means that he/she/it can drive through there to get to said destination that is much more important than yours.

Up to this point, I'm handling it okay. I'm even cool with paying a fine to a law that I disagree with and willingly broke. It's when I step past the guard after nodding hello and into the courthouse that things end up pissing me off.

I step up to the metal detector and start emptying my pockets to pass through. The guard at this point has come in from his court-appointed smoke break or something and sees that I am obviously carrying dangerous contraband: A cell phone. at this point it's time for him to rub his big dick in my face.

"You can't bring that in here!"

"Huh?" Turning around to meet whoever is behind me.

"You can't bring cell phones in the courthouse." he says sternly.

"I thought the sign said 'No cell phones or purses in the court room'?"

"Exactly. No cell phones. You'll have to take that back out to your car."

"But I'm not going-"

"Where are you going?"

Sigh. "The traffic court office."

He huffs. "Fine. you can go ahead and take it this time but don't bring it in here ever again!"

"Alright, fine. Sorry." I scowl, dropping the dangerous weapon into the tray as I pass through the detector. My belt and pant rivets immediately set off the alarm. At this point I'm thinking since I just got the third degree, and Having been in an airport in the last couple years, that means I should start taking off my shoes and wait for someone to wand me. Also, I should probably start relaxing my sphincter so the finger dosen't hurt as much.

"Go on through, go on through." He waves me on.

I grab my stuff, head into the office, pay my ticket, and walk right back out there, not even bothering to stop when I, without fail, set off the alarm once again. Except this time Barney Fife isn't around to make sure I didn't steal the secret pot 'o gold hidden within the cavernous depths of the hell known as Franklin County Courthouse.


Now, what the fuck is wrong with this picture? I get read the riot act for walking into the courthouse for a goddamn cellphone when I wasn't even going into a courtroom, but I set off the metal detector and don't even get so much as a fucking patdown? Good job there, Johnny Security. If I had bombs concealed in my baggy carhartts, that place would have been dust. But at least I couldn't have called my jihad buddies in Afganistan and let them know I was about to blow up a rinky-dink courthouse in the middle of Southern Bumfuck Illinois for allah, since I got totally busted for that. God bless America, we stopped teh terrerists!

Seriously, I'm not bashing cops in general here, I'm just pissed at one in particular. I'm not arguing that cellphones should be allowed in the court room either. Appearantly, me and the courthouse are in total agreement as to how fucking annoying they are. But to hassle me for bringing it in when I wasn't even going to court, and then to not even bother to check me for dangerous weapons when I do set off the detector is a serious fucking dichotomy in security.

So, my mission is clear. Never have another reason to go back there. Next time I'm mailing my goddamn ticket in.


I'm the police and I'm in charge
You don't like it get the f--- outta Dodge

Here is a some random shit i have been mulling over the past week, but haven't posted because i'm an asshole.


I kicked Brandocrap's ass 30 different ways in Wii-Play friday night. I absolutely murdered him in Laser Hockey and Shooting range. if me and brandocrap were inmates, and Wii-play was the prison, i'd totally be top dog right now. Don't even bother to listen to his half-ass excuse of how he was the one who owned me. My Gma was there. she saw it. The Only people who ever called my Gma a fibber died instantly when she gave her own version of the Medusa gaze.

then we played Taito Legends on my PS2 saturday. which I had fun, but someone was still pissed about losing and kept Shooting hostages in Space gun so we never got anywhere. the rest of the games were meh. I do want to go back and play Ninja Kids again though. that game has more laugh-a-minute appeal than anything i can remember in recent history.






Strength. For when I may not have it.

this dark path I have walked, I no longer fear. Some still do. some think this is not my calling. I know Now this is my path. this is what i was born, bred, and willing to die for. I no longer fear what lays in the darkness for me, for the darkness I no longer fear. My demons, my imperfections have become my weapons.

I will no longer be subdued, controlled, or kowtowed by what I think holds me back.

The darkness now fears me. as it should.

As it should always have been.




And here is what i am posting tongiht, as in stuff that has happened currenttly for me(i.e. Stuff that is actually interesting to read)


An actual conversation at Cotton's tonight that took place. I went because i was assured that two people that i knew were going to be there. also, i'm a people watcher and love to see drama. it's like my own free soap opera:

"hey babay, you look pretty sexy in that tie."

"thanks. it's what I wear to work."

"oh my, you must work a pretty nice job."

"no, i sling liquor, but I like to look nice for the customers."

"you don't even rememer who I am, do you?"

"i have no idea who tyhe hell you are. . I have one of those faces anyway, and I would swear that i've never seen you before tonight."

pause. contemplating.

"do you have any kids?"

"nope. made it this far without any, don't plan on having any yet. Do you?"

"yeah, I got one."

"cool. being a mother is a very positive thing i hear.

"want to be a daddy?"

"uh, what? Sorry, i'm H.O.H."

"what?"

I'm hard of hearing. what did you say?"

"I said.... Do you want to be a daddy?"

"uhm, No, not really. not that i wouldn't mind practicing, but I'm already locked up at the moment, sorry."

"what?"

"I said I am Dating someone. I don't think she would like it very much if i went and practiced without her knowing. or withour her, even. "

"OH, well i'll catch you later then."

"you do that. I'm going to keep drinking my Stag."


hmm. Guess you'll have to see what i mean by that.

that is, if you even give a damn as to what I mean.




I've been gone so long
so gone so long

It's that time of year, spring is here, weddings are just around the corner, Love is in the air and blah blah blah all that hanky-panky bullshit. Also, I'm counting how many times I'm going to hear "man it sure is NICE outside today!"

I understand the need to make small talk, but come the fuck on.

Yes, thank you for pointing out the fact that I suck at life and have to serve you while you get to go out and enjoy the day with your baby's momma or what the fuck ever. I can't wait for my day off so i can come to your business and point out that I get the day off and YOU don't. And if that don't work, I'm going to piss in all of your plants. if there are no plants, I will simply piss on your counter/desk/in a corner.

Also, if you happen to suffer from this, I wouldn't tell people that you hear "voices" that tell you to play certain instant lottery tickets. I won't think you are gifted with a special power. I will think you are dangerously batshit crazy.

STOP RINGING THE FUCKING BELL. WE KNOW YOU ARE THERE. WE ARE BUSY AND TOLD YOU TO HOLD ON. OH, YOU'RE REAL FUCKING FUNNY. I HOPE YOU GET CENTIPEDES IN YOUR DICKHOLE.

I got a chance to go on a date - with a woman who was prolly only about 10 years younger than Moms. I declined. I should probably be thankful that anyone even looked at me in that fashion, but it honestly didn't help my morale much.

The Promise Keepers are having some sort of convention around here. I only know this because I saw the ad on TV. It only caught my attention because it also used Nirvana's "Come as you are" as a slogan. Good luck with that.

Got something in the mail today: My 10-Year Reunion notice. Awesome. I only really want to go to find out if this one girl in my class got really hot and turned into a porn star. otherwise, it just serves as a marker as to where I should have been and where I am now. I was really hoping I would be going to this shindig and not be almost exactly where i was when i was 18. I should have been married by now. I should have graduated school by now. I should have had a decent job by now instead of being a wage slave. I should have been more than what I am now. Coulda. Woulda. Shoulda. Nothing I can do about it now except buck the fuck up.

Anyone know any local escort services? Preferably, ones that I don't have to pay in meth? wedding season's here, the reunion, and all that rot. Maybe I'm kidding, Maybe I'm not.


WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP RINGING THE GODDAMNED BELL?




Crumbling images
No longer comfort me

Work is work.
I nearly renounced my Atheism on account of a customer who just wouldn't leave.
I really have to try to like people sometimes.
Love life sucks, still and seemingly forever.
My Walls have been rebuilt.
Spent 5000 fake dollars gambling in my fake life.
I lost 20 bucks of my very real money.
That was a bad idea.
I wanted to do an April Fool's Update.
I didn't have time.
Next Year, flag semaphore.
Maybe.
Brandocrap would shove Jesus for A chance with Kari Byron.
I would murder all of you if I had the same chance.
Or even for a passable look-a-like.
I'm Morally Questionable.
I don't mind that so much anymore.
My Throskie is only a 63 :( and wears outdated gear.
Year Zero is absoludicriously fucking awesome.
You knew I would say that.
Alanis Morissete does My Humps.
you've probably Seen it.
Tori Amos does Raining Blood.
You should hear the Classic first.
I'm a future 419 Scam victim.
I could go on and on.
Getting the fuck outta here on a one day trip.
All work and no play something something something.



Here, I Haven't done one of these in nearly forever. Enjoy.

Read/Watch/Listen/Play:

Promise of the Witch-King; R.A. Salvatore.
300; Gerard Butler, Rodrigo Santoro, Vincent Regan.
Collected; Massive Attack.
God of War 2; Sony Computer Entertainment of America.




Nothing's right if you ain't here
I'd give all that i have just to keep you near

From Wikipedia:

Kabuto is a mammoth creature in size and strength with a hominid build. Many spikes addorn the creature's body, while its maw is fierce and imposing. He is the pinnacle of Sea Reaper magical ingenuity that went horribly, horribly wrong. Kabuto went rogue when his Sea Reaper masters angered him. Alone and with no one else of his kind there was only one thing Kabuto could possibly imagine of doing: eating his sacrifices and killing thousands with his bare hands.


I wanted to talk about how I am back to slinging liquor again(though I wish it was under better circumstances, but these things can't be helped), and how that makes me feels useful and productive once more. I wanted to talk about how far out of known territory I have been, how I've been looking over my shoulder for any percived enemies for a long time, and how much I've been in need of cool, comforting familiarity. I'm getting closer to that. I'm on my feet and stepping in the right direction instead of crawling away to a corner, licking perpetually bleeding wounds with a torn-out tongue over broken teeth. I wanted to thank those who have shown even a mote of belief in me, even when things looked like they'd never change and I would never get off of my knees. But other events that have transpired that took me on a different train of thought.


I told slowbek yesterday in a conversation about something else entirely that "You know I have a thing for suffering, right?" That statement made me take a good long thinking session about the particular situtations I have found myself in these times I have put myself through since my fall from grace, as it were. In my younger years, I also endured other losses and subsquently put myself through the wringer for a particularly long time. the difference being that afterward, some particular event, it didn't matter what size in the scope of things the particular event would be, would reignite that fire in me and make me want to live again. In another conversation this past weekend, someone who i wasn't aware was a regular reader of this atrosity I call a website labeled me a "pessimistic optimist". all irony aside, he stated that "things haven't gone your way for a while, but you still hope that someday it will come back around your way, but you also realize that it isn't going to happen overnight. Under it all, you write about eventual hope for the currently hopeless. And you use a lot of profanity while doing so."

So, this conversation was rolling through my head all weekend, and last night when I went to bed what I said to slowbek was mixed in there as well. It made me think about how I've been going through the motions for quite some time now. The "blazing fire" in me had been extinguished. It smouldered for a while, hungry for oxygen or tinder, but was steadily going cold. It was appearantly obvious to everyone but me, considering how many times my friends tried to say something and I would steadfastly rebuff them, even to the point of questioning thier True intentions, thinking they may be the very same enemies that I am trying to keep watch for. were they saddened too by my stumble? Or did they turn on me in the course of things? Did they blithely chuckle and said that I got what was coming to me and maybe now I would learn my place?
What friends would hope that in my suffering, that I would kowtow? None. None that have offered what support they could(and what I would take) all this time. None that saw that the fire was out. None that loved and remembered the old Livingdead and wept at the thought of a docile version of thier friend. A cinder begins to smoulder.


So all of this was running through my head today when I woke up. Then I saw my W-2's on the table. Then I found my paystubs from last year. Something's not adding up. Tinder chars. Oxygen rushes in.

They think I'm stupid or meek enough to let it pass without incident.

And just like that, A blaze roars back to life.


I know I have rambled on a lot of stuff that dosen't make a lot of sense right now, so let me just finish up for now.

You have awakened Kabuto, The Lumbering Mountain of Pain. For that, My friends Will thank you for igniting the fire. My enemies will curse your foolishness for ever allowing this to happen.



You have Fucked me.

Now I will Fuck you.



Mars, The Bringer of War

Just a Quick update. going to write a good one later, but for those of you who don't read Fark or Digg, take a look at this story(Warning: leg woud picture in article) about how much of a sack of assholes this town is acting over the thought of losing thier precious "tradition".

Humanity. What a gyp.


If you're really interested, Here is the city website's Feedback form.





We care a lot

Nearly three weeks without an update. and now one that maybe three of you will give a damn about.

It's The Feast of Winter Veil in Azeroth, and I'll be damned if I haven't been trying to earn a [High Warlord's Pig Sticker] for my toon just in time for Xmas. Before the latest content patch, this was going to be nigh impossible, as it cost a pretty penny, and required you to earn the PvP rank of high warlord on your specific server. I tended to rank usually in the top 100(out of aprox. 4600 horde players) depending on how much I decided to PvP. Basically, to get High warlord status, I was going to have to win Every Battleground I entered, and slaughter the entire Alliance population four times over, and hope no one else did the same thing.

Now with the content patch, it's actually easier to get said weapon, as you only need a certain amount of honor points. Unfortunately, honor points are no longer given out like condoms at college. In the old days, winning a Alterac Valley Battleground would get you somewhere around 3000 honor points, plus whatever points you got for killing Alliance. now you get maybe 200-300 per win, plus whatever you get for killing(if you're lucky, you might ill a grand marshal and get 8 honor points, but usually you get a peon that's only worth 1 or 2 points). But The Honor system isn't really what I want to complain about. Nevermind the fact that I ran AV till I was sick of it, and then ran it some more to get exhalted status with Frostwolf Clan which now means two things in WoW: jack and shit, I'm cool with that. I can deal.

My Beef is with whatever jackass who decided to put Hardpacked Snowballs in the AV Battleground. Jesus H. Christ, This was a horrible idea. Hardpacked snowballs are an item that when thrown, can knock a player around. The idea was that a player can punish another team member who is sitting around with a thumb up thier ass, not participating in battle and just leeching honor points. The road to Hell Is paved with good intentions.

Let me try to explain for those of you who don't play.

In AV, one of the most stratgetic points of the game is Stormpike Graveyard, which is a respawn point initally for the Alliance. in order for Horde to win, horde has to take Stormpike in order to have a respawn point closeby to assault Dun Baldar. As you can see by looking at the map, There are two roads near Stormpike, A low road and a high road. The low road, though it leads directly to Stormpike, is a chokepoint, usually clogged with Alliance killing any Horde stupid enough to go that route.

This leaves the relatively undefended high road as the Logical choice. Once you get to the bend in the high road, can split off and hide behind the mountain or at Irondeep Mine, group up and charge into the Graveyard(hopefully taking it). The Bend in the road also offers a good recon Point to scope out how many are defending the Graveyard. Or if you're ballsy enough, you can drop down right into Stormpike and charge in, most likely resulting in getting pack-raped if no one else goes with you.

The problem, is that there are Horde members who are absolute fucktards. These Special Ed rejects camp out on the high road and pelt passing team members with hardpacked snowballs, which sends them flying down into Stormpike GY. Now, not only is the snowballed person not where they were going to set up for the group attack, but they have now taken on Falling damage and lost about half thier health. they are now about a half-second away from the aforemented alliance pack-rape.

All because some cocksucking horsefucker thinks team-killing is funny.

These are most likely the same dipshits that would lob a grenade into thier own team in Counter-strike. I'd be less incensed about this if the Alliance had a similar problem at Frostwolf Graveyard, but Frostwolf lays on relatively flat land, so there's not really an alliance equivalant to this particular form of griefing.

Well, I've dorked out enough. I just had to vent about this.



The kitchen scene is damp and sticky
They're lined up at the keg of PBR

"Well. that could have gone a lot better..." That pretty much sums up what I said and did this weekend.

Not a lot to say right now. Even if i did say it, I'd fuck it up somehow and just piss more people off at me.

Quoted for truth.

what was bad, has gotten worse.

I don't even really want to talk about it at this point.

What a shitty last couple of weeks. The only bright spot being when i ran away and went to springfield for the weekend.

Keep spinning that black hole around. See how far it goes down.



But it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to
It didn't turn out quite the way that you wanted it

"Well. that could have gone a lot better..." That pretty much sums up what I said and did this weekend.

Not a lot to say right now. Even if i did say it, I'd fuck it up somehow and just piss more people off at me. Not that I care about pissing most of you off most of the time, but sometimes I do care. See what I mean? That didn't even make sense to me.

No, I don't know what "Bedating" is either. I'm pretty sure you knew what I meant, though. who the fuck knows at this point, though?

Also, Another Summer dies. That's for you cumguzzler, You cocksocking, diseased cuntbag. Not that you still read this, but just in case.

Fuck this. I'm going back to the bottle (because that's the mature thing to do, you know). I'll make an update in a couple of days when I'm done drinking.

Go start a "People I have failed" club in the meantime or something.



You're lovely
But you've got lots of problems

The Threes have it.


As most of you know, I have started a new job within the company. I'm still making up my mind as to whether or not this was what we would call "A good move". A lot of the times I feel less a manager and more of a redcoat continually putting down mini-rebellions and explaining to George why the hell everything's going wrong. Like I needed to be the one with this kind of responsibility. Oh, and the drive sucks. You don't want to know what the gas bill was for last month.

The scenery is nice, though. However, I have a gripe about that too. Why? Simple. let's go into pretend-land.

Imagine it's 110 degrees outside. You've been in the heat all day, and some stranger hands you an ice cream cone. It looks absolutely delicious. Big, cold, heavy, scoops of your favorite flavor, sprinkles, the works. After being in the heat all day, you can't imagine anything better than taking a lick of that savory-looking cone.

Only, you can't. All you can do is sit there and watch the ice cream cone melt quickly away before the kind(?) stranger hands you another one, ad infinitum.

Why can't you eat it? I dunno. Make up a reason. I like "Because your mouth has been sewn shut with steel wire. Then riveted over with an iron plate. Also, your tongue has been torn out so you wouldn't enjoy it anyway. and they kicked my dog, too."

Hell sucks, but at least I got a view.

Anyway, by now you get the point that there's a lot of pretty lasses that come through my doors.

About a week into my new job, I get a visit from The Owner. He's asks me why video "dosen't do well and what can we do about it to get this place to make some money?"

"Probably becuase there's three major rental chains in town, not to mention the mom-and-pop shops, and not to mention if i was a poor college student, I'd just as soon download the movie at college and spend the 2.50 on cheap beer. as far as ideas, i have none. I just started here and i'm still getting a feel for the place."

Appearantly I'm not telling him anything new. But he's got an idea for this place. A real kayo punch that will net a big win for everybody.

TO: "Let's get these movies out of here, and get Adult Movies in here."

LD: "Adult movies only?"

TO: "Yeah. we can compete if we only have adult movies, since only family's got them. It'll narrow the field down. We'll focus on two big moneymakers: Tanning and Adult movies."

LD: ".....are you fucking serious?"

TO: "You don't think it will work?"

LD: "You didn't just ask me that seriously, did you?"

Yeah. Tanning and Porno for the Win, according to Jack "Batshit crazy" Businessman.

I got a better idea. How about we just drill holes into the walls to the tanning booths, and just charge guys for peepshows? We'd actually SAVE money by not having to buy more adult videos, maybe even make our own by setting up cameras in all the rooms. Seriously, The Core demographic for this store is 18-25 females. The core demo for adult? just a WAG, but i'm betting 21-55 Males. Now, I'm not a nubile coed or anything, but if i was, the last place I would want to fake bake would be in a salon that was populated with men who were browsing porn and most likely leering at every girl that came in, waiting with bated breath for them to come out of the tanning bed wearing less than what they were wearing coming in.

As far as i know, that idea got put to the sword, which is good becuase I'm not being paid enough to be a jizzmopper.


This chaos is killing me

I’m real reluctant to touch on this topic, but it's been something I've been mulling over for some time.

MySpace is the new AOL. Worse, even. Let me throw this into perspective for you.

As some of you already know, I have a MySpace account (having said that, I already feel like Old Man Waterfall: "I request a Satanic funeral!" "BOOOOOOOOOO!"). I use it as a placemarker; if someone searches for me, they'll find me, but if they want to know anything about what I've been up to, they can come here. Other than that, I try not to use it. I don't blog on it, I don't link to other people, and I rarely respond to messages sent to me on MySpace. That makes me sound like a snob, but I'll wear that shoe for now.

Back in the early days of the internet, AOL had a certain reputation as being "Internet Lite": easy to get on, millions use it, and a lot of them are people who are complete imbeciles who make you wonder how they walk and breathe at the same time. Often, you would see the guestbook of a personal web page littered with AOL emails, followed up with a question that was already answered on the page. My personal favorite: Someone leaving a comment of a webpage asking how to use Yahoo. Don't ask me how they got there, either.

AOL'ers were especially unwelcome for a long time in Usenet. Often in the middle of a discussion, someone who meandered into the newsgroup would ask an off-topic question that had nothing to do with said group. This is an example I made up that was typical of such tomfoolery that would usually result in large-scale ridicule, and rightly so. Class, can you tell me how many Netiquette rules are being broken in the following?


Date: 19 AUG 1997 12:25:32 GMT
Posted to: rec.games.roguelike.nethack
Xpost To: alt.2600, alt.music.nin, alt.tv.er, alt.sex.beer-bottle, alt.fan.bill-gates, alt.horror
RE: request for new Feature

> Going further, perhaps the game could keep track of:

> * Location of artifacts, and how they entered the game.
> * Number of wishes used, broken down by source.
> * Methods used to kill large monsters, eg. the wizard.
> * Time taken to reach milestones, if at all. eg. getting the
> luckstone, getting to the oracle, entering/completing the quest,
> etc.
> * Time taken to reach each experience level.
> * etc. etc.

HI I JUST SIGNED UP AND WAS HOPEING SOMEONE WOULD SHOW ME WHERE I CAN GET THE PROGRAM WAREZ? MY FIREND STEVE TOLD ME I CAN GET FREE SOFTWHERE ON THE INTERNET USING WAREZ. IF YOU HAVE THE WAREZ PROGRAM, PLEASE SEND IT TO BIGDICKBILLY143@AOL.COM.


(Minor rant: "warez" is pronounced "wheres", not "where ASS". You wouldn't believe how many dipshits used to come into EB and talk about how they have a huge collection of "where ass" and I'd look at them like they're a goddamned idiot because they were talking about stealing software in a software store, or worse, they'd ask me how to copy or crack software. Here's an idea: why don't you go down to the car dealership and ask them how to break into a Lexus? Fucktards.)

Anyway, back to my point. AOL, while it did have it's share of decent people who were suck with no better choice for an ISP, was mostly filled with clueless dickbags who consider the internet pretty much a giant high school.

Fast forward a bit, and you have yahoo chat. Same problem: socially inept masses who have watched too much Springer and have learned to use pre-built hacking programs to act like overfucked assholes on the internet. Or complete tools that really think that this chick is real and wants to talk to you.

And now, we have MySpace. ANYONE can get on. Everyone's a Star. And everyone can be just as pimp as they really are in life, and it's SO EASY to use and EVERYONE's on it! You should Join and add me as your friend! You’ll look awesome if you have a bunch of friends! Uhm, No. I guess I’ll just be uncool, then, and have no friends on MySpace. I'd rather look like that than look like I’m still stuck in a high school mentality where I have to look popular.

It's sounds a bit elitist, I know. And to be honest, I shouldn't bitch too much about the service itself. My complaint, honestly, is more about the users. Yes, there are some genuinely alright people on there who use it as an easy way to lookup old friends and keep in touch with each other. Sadly, they are heavily outweighed by all those douchnozzles who are too stupid to realize that the "hot chick" they don't know but just added is a fucking spambot. Seriously, click that link and look through the amount of people that are hitting on a nonexistent woman. They played right into whoever's running that account's hands. I hope they signed up for whatever's she's shilling and get fucked six ways to Sunday with spam and malware.

MySpace layouts are another bitch altogether I"ll get into. Besides, I think I lost my point in the middle of my ranting.


I'm never last picked
I got a cheerleader chick

I got a call about two weeks ago from someone I did not expect to hear from. It was from an ex who had found my blog and what I wrote about her about two years ago. She sounded cool about it, I told her I was sorry that she had to see it, but I wasn't sorry that I wrote it, since I wrote it during a time when I "actively wished death upon her". Again, I was sorry she had to see it now, but I wrote it, and it marked a stage I was at in my life that was before we had "made up" about as much as we were going to. I was busy, so I didn't stay on the phone long, we wished each other well, and that was that.

Apparently, we were talking about two completely different entries.

For sake of giving her a chance to speak and be heard, instead of being buried in the past (like it should be, honestly) here is the comment left last night under an entry I wrote back on 30 June 2004:

Ok here is the deal. I dont see why after all this time you just cannot get over whatever the fuck I supposedly did to you. My god, you have dated how many other people since we dated? By the way,you do realize we dated in 1996...all you nice folks reading this can do the math. Perhaps Mike cant b/c he isnt real smart when it comes to school, I mean my god how many tims have you flunked out of school now...I cant believe I actually apologized to you, even though I have no clue what I ever did to owe you an apology in the first place. I am sorry things just did not work out. I was young and I wasnt in love with you. I wasnt ready to settle down with someone, especially someone like you...I wonder, have you ever told the world the things you did to me? How bout owning up to some of your own fault...better yet how bout getting a fucking grip on reality. I guess I should go online and post all sorts of nasty negative shit about how you stalked me when I dumped your ass but hey I just did...didnt I. I think that your few blog entries further show everyone who knows you and even people who dont how much of a freak you are but the folks that know you already know that. As for your comment about my lack of intelligence, you will be so pleased to know that I will be finishing up my biology degree with a minor in chem, which from the looks of some of your other entries you were not able to accomplish yourself, so I guess that makes you stupid, lazy, unambitious and a psycho. I hope you have a nice life when you get one. Love always...Togan.

Okay, then. A couple of messages were also sent to myspace, and for the sake of clarity, and knowing I’m breaking a net taboo by posting a private message in public, here they are, oldest first:

Date: Apr 23, 2006 10:00 PM

I just saw what you typed about me on your blog and I thought that even though it took me two years to see it it warranted a comment, so I left you one under where you said you hope I fucking choke. I know I called the other night b/c I was thinking about you but that was before I saw that shit. Seriously, what did I do to you that was so bad that you carried it with you for that long? Its too bad that you feel the way that you do b/c I think that at one time we may have been able to be friends. I would really really love to know what I did to you and what about me am I supposed to change? Please dont blog anything about me anymore. I have never been mean or hateful to you EVER. I have never wished anything bad on you b/c I have nothing against you. I even heard you were talking shit about me not to lomg ago when I was hanging out with a guy friend of mine who was an ex of some gal pal of yours. Had to start some shit there too I guess. I would really hope you can get over whatever it is that you think that I did to you Mike. It must be miserable to walk through life holding onto something like that. I know it sucks to be heartbroken, I have been there too but EVENTUALLY you get over it and move on. When is that going to happen for you ? I am sorry that I ever bothered you by calling you, I thought that maybe we could talk and even possibly be friends but you would rather hang onto to some idiotic shit that happened 10 years ago. Life is too short to hold grudges against people for shit they did when they were younger and immature. If you ever let go of you anger, Im here to talk if you want b/c I feel bad that you still feel this way after so long.


At this point, I go and check out the message she left me under the post.
Okay, fine. She vented. I was a dick But isn't this the entry she called me about the other week? She seemed okay with it then. What gives? So I wrote back:

From: Livingdead
Date: Apr 23, 2006 11:39 PM

Hold up a second. NOW you're pissed? NOW you just found that article? Then which fucking entry you were talking about when you called me the other night?

Her response:

Apr 24, 2006 5:53 AM
There was one where you were professing your undying love for me...there isnt much telling how many you have on there. I just dont understand why someone would post such personal shit online for the world to read, so much for inner most thoughts and privacy. I wasnt mad when I read the first one but then I saw the other one and it pissed me off. So, I thought I would rant online about it...that seems to be the "in" thing to do among you kids. Anyway, I would appreciate you deleting the entries about me. Thanks.



My What for Who now?

So, from what I'm gathering (and being somewhat of a sensationalist about, I’ll admit) is that ALL my online writings, for the last two and a half years, have been nothing but a pining ode to the one who broke my heart oh so long ago because I am that fucked up in the head.

Allow me to set the record straight.

I've written a little over 350 entries since I started back in Nov 2003. For the Egosurfer in question, Your name pops up a total of twice out of all those entries. One of them being "choke". Yeah, That paragraph is definitely about you. Guilty as charged. However, the one where I am professing my "undying love?"

IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU. AT ALL. the reason your name was there was because it was used as an example by an ex, who, if you had read the fucking articles surrounding the time, was the one I was pining about because that breakup WAS my fault. You see, I really don't have a problem admitting my problems when they are very clearly mine. I will whine bitch and moan about how it isn't fair, but anyone who has truly come to known me (and you can't even pretend to know me these days) in my years after you would know that I will also own up to what is clearly my fault. Running off my last ex because I wouldn’t listen to her for the world, because I was afraid of ending up being controlled and manipulated much like you did me? My fault, fair and square. She went through Hell and back dealing with my fucked up notions of a relationship after you. I wish things ended differently with her because I actually did love her, and always will love her in some fashion because after it went down, She still actually gave a damn about me. But, you, it took me a while to understand it afterwards, but much like you, I wasn’t in love with you. I had no fucking clue what love was, and trying to learn it from you was, to put it bluntly, a fucking disaster.

Right now, I'm failing to find any fault on my part concerning our breakup (which, by the way, we dated in 97, not 96, but this is nitpicking compared to everything else I’m about to get into). But then again, I'm a fucking psycho, a stalker (funny, I haven't been the one calling you up every few years since 99), and fucking stupid, right?
I was fine before I met you. I guess there's only so much one can take before a the synapses begin firing off-sequence.

So, what did you do? Here are a few that I can remember at the moment:

Arguing about a Dream I had about an imaginary woman in my English class

Arguing about letting Weston sit in the front seat (I had known her longer, and she was getting out of the car before you, WTF? Swallow your pride)

Arguing about a comment I made about a girl who was my friend.

Physical Injuries (what, You don't remember sucker-punching me new years eve because I said I didn't want to drive home drunk just so you could sleep in a bed? Or the time you nearly put my eye out on my own bedpost at SIU? I sure do.)

Speaking of SIU....

Remember when you called me on the phone and broke up with me because "the distance was unbearable?" One of the greatest mistakes in my life was calling you back and begging you to give me another chance (like I had done something wrong in the first place). I was so emotionally weak back then, and you just fed on it like a starving vampire. In fact, I think that's why you kept calling every couple of years, because you'd need some quick fix off of someone you can make snide remarks to and not have them call you a sloppy cunt.


Anyway, back to the list...


Abandoning my friends to spend all my time with you and your friends because you hated them (my friends, that is). Half of them YOU NEVER EVEN FUCKING MET. It took me the better half of two years to get back in their good graces again.


Having to deal with your temper tantrums anytime I didn't feel like driving all the fucking way over to your house to pick you up (Jesus Fucking Christ, I just got home from school), just to drive back over to my house and most likely have a long, boring argument about something already mentioned above.


Bitching about how I didn't have money, then, when I got a job, how I had such shitty pay, whilst YOU quit a job within a week of starting it and never got another one the rest of the time we were dated. Yet, I was the bum because I never had enough money for the both of us.

Your snide-ass “witty” remarks about everything and anything I did and that I didn't know shit because I was a WHOLE FUCKING YEAR younger than you so my points were invalid.

Getting unceremoniously dumped on Valentine's Day in front of your friends, and watching you take off and hook up with some high school kid the same goddamned night. Yeah, I bet you were really hurting inside from the breakup(You know, that always felt like a fucking setup between you and your friends, But I’ll never know) But You know, you never did anything wrong. You never meant to hurt me. You just tore out anything resembling feelings, that's all.



So there ya go. That pretty much sums up how I feel you wronged me. I probably could have summed it up by saying "you were a fucking bitch" but you deserve to know in detail what it was that caused me to hate you for so long, and why I wished so much ill will on you. The only thing that sucks about this whole sordid mess is that it took so long for me to find the voice to stand up to you and your manipulative ways, and that it came about as a result of a grossly overrated misunderstanding on your behalf about how I still held feelings for you. The fact is that I wrote that before we had made up. You talk about how I'm the one holding onto the past; you're really one to talk, commenting on an old article. Pot, meet Kettle.

After all is said and done, I don't wish you dead anymore. I simply don't care anymore. I haven't for a long while, but apparently you seem to think I still did. Hopefully, I have corrected this errant line of thinking. You are an example of a dark time in my life that I long ago swore I will NEVER go back to in a relationship: The mealy-mouthed little boy who kowtowed to you is no more. I don't want to hear how sorry you are about how things turned out between us. I don't want to be your friend; I don't want to hear anymore about you, period. I am done with you. All that I ever care to read about you is in my archives, which I am not deleting for your sake. Don't like it? Tough shit, don't read it. Go whine about how much of a prick I am on your blog. Or not. I don’t care what you do anymore.

Don't call me.
Don't message me on Myspace.
Don't Comment on my website.
Don't talk to me in public.
Ever.


Stay out of my life.


Mike

So, I watched Hostel Today after work. Not too shabby, if I say so myself.

But, I do have an issue with the whole premise of the movie, which I am going to try to explain as best as I can without actually spoiling the movie, for those of you interested in seeing it.

The thing I don't particularly care for is the ignorant fear that it will generate in americans about traveling abroad(nevermind the indifferent mentality Americans have towards any country that isn't "Americanized") As it stands, a low number of Americans even own a passort(Actual estimates vary, but generally the WAG is about 20%. You're welcome to Come to your own conclusion By taking a look at a more in-depth, but a few years outdated, summary here), and Hostel isn't going to help get more out of the reclining chair and out to see the world at large.

I know that it sounds absolutely retarded that a movie would cause such a negative opoinion within the general public, but allow me to offer two completely subjective, and convincing supporting facts:

EXHIBIT A: Every single fucktard that asked me "Can the tanning bed scene in Final Destination 3 really happen?".

EXHIBIT B: People actually believe that "The Texas Chainsaw Massacare" actually happened.

I rest my case, your honor.


Keep your eyes peeled. Uncle Livingdead's got some goodies for you that will appear within the next couple of days.



We'll ride the spiral to the end
And may just go where no one's been

I just left my conditioner, body wash, and deodorant in the parking lot of Wal-mart. FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKGODDAMNITHEADSMASHINGINTODESK.

I'm done. Goodnight everybody.

capitalism has made it this way,
old-fashioned fascism will take it away

Walk a line with me as we go into pretend-land.

Today, The Illinois House of Representatives voted unanimously to condemn Livingdead because he has a foul mouth, and forthwith, is a bad person based on the fact that he eats babies and kicks little old ladies into busy freeways. Also, he's a doodyhead and has an ugly face. We can't outright ban him without a legal headache, but our offical opinion for the good of the republic is this: Don't listen to him. Don't read him. Don't Acknowledge his existence. Thank you, God bless america, and freedom costs a buck o'five...

"Well, that was pretty damn stupid." You say? I'd Agree if it wasn't for the fact that The Pennsylvania House of Representives did just that with a game called "25 to Life" last week. The PA HoR took the time, effort, and most importantly, taxpayer money, to condemn this game and express support for National Law Enforcement Officers Memorial Fund and it's plan to collect a bunch of signatures online in efforts to boycott this game.

Your tax dollars at work.

Here's why I'm a bit livid about the whole matter. It's all an elaborate "feel good" issue, with a bit of a "For the children!!!!!" aftertase that solves absolutely nothing. Proclaiming that you're against a game that allows you to shoot cops, and then patting yourself on the back about it with a resolution makes as much sense as taking a firm stance against smashing kittens in the face with shovels.

Look, let me give you a legitimate reason to boycott this game where the roots aren't tied to the premise of censorship: "25 to Life" sucks worse than a teenaged meth whore trying to come up with the last ten bucks to buy a foilie.

Repetitive gameplay that's been done better by other games, a hackneyed plot, and subpar graphics bolstered up by a "hey look! We're GTA EXTREEEEEEEEMMMMME" ad campaign. The only people who ended up buying this game upon release is the fucktards who bought EVERY Mature-rated game becuase it either dropped a new curse word, had some new way of spilling blood and gore, or showed promise of a lot of sexual innuendo(I dealt with a lot of this type back in my EB days).

The only other fucktards that would buy this game is the moron parents who just want to shut the fuck trophy up becuase they've howled incessantly about the game, and don't pay attention to what they're purchasing("Ma'am, are you sure you want to buy 'Murder Fuckfeast 6' for your 10 year old? it's Really not for chil-" "Shut up and give me the goddamn game! it's for Christmas! Christ I need a Prozac!"). Then, They go all moral outrage once they get home and see that little Johnny isn't playing Pokemon, but instead severing heads off of zombies and having digital sex with them(I dealt with a couple of these, as well).

Anyway, my point is that time could have been better wasted on a dozen other things other than passing laws that express an opinion. If this is SOP, Then Where do I sign up to introduce a bill comdemning the Song "My Humps"? Because I really hate that fucking song and want my opinion, as well as the leglislative body's opinions about this abortion of a song, enshrined into law.

The game is it's own worst enemy. Stop giving it press by calling it 'controversial' and see how quick it will die away. Anyone remember "Sword of the Berserk"? "Kingpin"? "Panty Raider"? Anyone? Bueller?

Don't even get me started on online petitions and thier usefulness.




Sathington willoughby
The legislator that
Penned us up a bill
That banned the use
Of certain things like this and that

And now for something completely different.

I'm a dick because I don't call people back. I have a horrible record of that. and text messages, I'm not so good at that either. or email. Might as well throw that one in, too.

And I still haven't done that work on the site itself yet. I'm such a lazy fuck. This is what happens when you have an (nearly)unrestrained addiction to Diablo 2 co-op.

Is there something going on next weekend? I was planning on going to springfield becuase I wanted to see the Jacksonville crew, but I was reminded that next weekend is easter weekend, and that's when Jesus died, came back and passed out Wal-Mart candy to all the kids or something. Anyway, so no trip to Central Il this weekend. My question is WTF is going on, then?

Anywho, I have to sign off now becuase of that whole work thing I got going on tomorrow morning.


If you're bored, check out Petra Haden's rendition of Thriller.


I'm still confusing love with need

Whereupon Livingdead answers some of the more interesting questions recieved during tanning season.

"No, I'm not going to let you sign up for a tanning package."

"Why not?"

"Because you're 11. The State of Illinois hates you, appearantly.


"Your tanning beds suck. How come I have white stripes running down My back? All my friends tell me they've never had that happen to them!"

"Look into something called 'pressure points'. I'm sure your friends have never had a problem with white stripes down the back, and that it would have absolutely nothing to do with the fact that you are shaped and Look like Kraid."



"You don't look like you tan."

"I prefer to get my cancer the old fashioned way- By smoking and eating too much red meat, and getting married."

(A tanner comes in late)

"I have an appointment to tan..."

"I'm sorry, but I can't get you in."

"But I HAVE an appointment!"

"Yeah, I know. But since you're almost an hour late, and I Don't have a Time Machine, I can't work you in."


Do I Look like I'm getting darker?"

"Yeah, But you still need to do something about your ugly problem."

There was a bit more here I scribbled down as it happened, but I'm going to turn it into a post of it's own.


You don't use words like that
St. Louise is listening

Sorry. been busy all week with work. I'm splitting time between two stores now, and I can't really say I enjoy it, But it gives me some more of the all-important money. I haven't had much to write about of late anyway. there's only so many ways you can write "Life sucks and I hate the world" before you start resorting to bad Poetry. and since i'm not a memeber of the cure or a teenaged goth/emo kid, i'll spare you.

Going to the NIN concert in champaign tonight, first concert of thier second leg of the tour, so hopefully it'll have a different setlist than what me, brandocrap, and slowbek saw in STL back in October.


Been playing a lot of Diablo 2 again, which is another reason why there haven't been many updates of late(especially on the weekend). It's a time-killer, and since the bars are in decline as of late, I'm down with that.

Working this Valentine's day. Yippee. I get to see a bunch of couple come in and rent movies that they aren't going to watch anyway. Fuck them. and fuck Valentine's Day. I hope the world ends that day.

ever the bitter peach,

Livingdead



i just made you up to hurt myself

Stuff to talk about, but I didn’t type it up becuase I got into a long IM conversation with a Lovely lady from upstate. I worked a split-shift monday and really need to go to bed. promise I’ll make an update about events after work.

Eraser, however, has been a busy little shit. no one emails him, so he has taken to replying to the spammers(you’d get a bit stircrazy too if you learned to use the internet and sleep for 20 hours a day)


From: service@paypal.com
To: eraserthecat@gmail.com
Date: Jan 22, 2006 11:26 AM
Subject: Unauthorized Access Report (KMM9755003V34721L0KM)

Dear PayPal customer,

We recently noticed one or more attempts to log in to your PayPal account
from a foreign IP address.

If you recently accessed your account while traveling, the unusual log in
attempts may have been initiated by you. However, if you did not initiate
the log ins, please visit PayPal as soon as possible to verify your
identity:


Verify your identity is a security measure that will ensure that you are
the only person with access to the account.

Thanks for your patience as we work together to protect your account.

Sincerely,
PayPal


((the context is kinda lost, but it’s essentially a phishing scam))


a web-reply(since Paypal dosen’t like to publish it’s address)

Hi.

I got this email a couple of days ago. While I am sure you run an excellent service, we have a problem. I’m not a member, and unless you begin accepting plastic bottle caps as currency, I doubt I ever will. why?

Because I am a Cat.

Seriously, let me know if you guys start taking bottle caps. I have a stash of them under my master’s(I use that term loosely, as us _Felis cattus_ are our OWN masters) basement Stairs and icebox. I’d love to unload them for some catnip. That shit’s great. Probably not so much for you humans, but I gotta tell ya, you haven’t flown unless you’ve done three rails of nip and pissed in your master’s shoes becuase you thought it was kinda funny. I should use that stuff more often, since I run my ass off when i’m high, and I’m getting kinda fat since I learned how to Surf the internet.

anyway, I hope we can resolve this in a professional manner. Meow.

Sincerely,
Erasmus F. Thecat, Esq.
Internet Lawyer and potential Mensa member



and another:

From:Credit Union Security Service (Ohhh, clever. sure you didn’t mean ncua.gov?)
Reply-To: support@cuna.org
To: eraserthecat@gmail.com
Date: Jan 25, 2006 12:25 PM
Subject: Update Your Account Information

In attention of all Credit Union customers,


screening the accounts in our system. We recently reviewed your account,
and we need more information to help us provide you with secure service.
Until we can collect this information, your access to sensitive account
features will be limited. We would like to restore your access as soon
as possible, and we apologize for the inconvenience.


Why is my account access limited?

Your account access has been limited for the following reason(s):
* We would like to ensure that your account was not accessed by an
unauthorized third party. Because protecting the security of your
account is our primary concern, we have limited access to sensitive
Credit Union account features. We understand that this may be an
inconvenience but please understand that this temporary limitation is
for your protection.

(Your case ID for this reason is PCU1-818-214-242146.)


At Credit Union, one of our most important responsibilities to you, our
customer, is the safekeeping of the nonpublic personal ("confidential")
information you have entrusted to us and using this information in a
responsible manner. Appropriate use of the confidential information you
provide us is also at the heart of our ability to provide you with
exceptional personal service whenever you contact us.


How can I restore my account access?


Please confirm your identity here: Restore My Online Banking and complete the "Steps to Remove Limitations."
(Link removed)
Completing all of the checklist items will automatically restore your
account access.


To: Credit Union

From: Erasmus Thecat
Greetings.


Here’s Some information for you to update with.

I’m a fucking cat.

Can i have access to my account now? I need to buy some prosthetic Balls to impress the local Alley Queans becuase my dumbfuck owner had me Neutered. and Claws. Genius seems to think that Excercising the ’ole claws on some furniture is tantamount to stealing in the Muslim world.

As you can See, I’m in a real Bind. please free up my account Soon. I tried submiting my pertinent information but your webserver seems to be down. I hope you Resolve this soon. and throw in some Nine Lives Food for the inconvenience you’ve caused me.


Sincerely,
Erasmus F. Thecat, Esq.
Internet Lawyer and Backup Keyboardist for Dream Theater




Livingdead

Man I sure do love them red haired girls
Im just like all the boys from Texas

And now for a Real update.


Yesterday, I was at work. A teacher from my alma mater comes in, looking for a movie for her kids. "One with either Reptiles or Amphibians. you got any of those?"

"Unless we have Any Nat Geo Movies, I don’t think so." I look to the manager, as she shakes her head no.

"How about this one? This Has a Huge Amphibian in it! and it’s Rated PG-13, so it can’t be too nasty for the kids, right?"

This is the movie she picked up for her class.

Does anyone see the problem here? Here, I’ll spell it out for you:



IT’S A FUCKING SHARK.


Now, I don’t really expect anyone, let alone a High school "Special Needs" Teacher, to know the difference between Osteichthyes and Chrondrichthyes, but as a teacher, I would hope that you’d know that Sharks are a Godamned Fish and not an Amphibian. Let me Reiterate that for you.

SHARKS ARE NOT FUCKING AMPHIBIANS!

I won’t even go into the whole "Shitty sci-fi movie as a legitimate teaching aid" angle that should be rather appearant. might as well teach them to be Ditchdiggers.

From now on, I’m just going to say that I graduated from a School in Southern Illinois and not specify which one.


In other news, there’s stuff going on, which I will talk about later tonight. I’m gonna go get some Radiata Stories time in. I got a backlog from the last couple of weeks, most of which is probably forgotten, but i’ll try my best to recreate the magic.

Livingdead


Let me see you
Stripped down to the bone
Let me hear you crying
Just for me

The post, written like over a week ago, where I was bitching about the loss of my title page:

Yeah, I know. I’m kinda sitting here going "WTF happened to my Page?" My Title is gone, having run off with my calender, and the formatting... Well, it makes me think I should put a picture of a Unicorn up. Thanks Bloghorn, You ruined my life! I’m going to start posting shitty poetry that I wrote as a teenager in a Place where i’m accepted - Like Livejournal. Or, better yet, I’ll put TEN THOUSAND STREAMING VIDEOS on my myspace page, be all Cool Hand Luke.

Gene Rayburn is from C-Town. I am offically creeped out and now have an irrational fear he will posess my body in oder to stage a game show comeback. Or, I will embark on an adventure that will involve the fate of the universe, S’mores, and a terror-inspiring fight against Gene rayburn, ressurrected as a cybernetic Zombie. Kill it dude... Kill it.

Seriously, WTF happened to my Page?

Livingdead
Darth Skanka of Boghorn


Amended post:

I’m an elitist jackass who is stuck in my ways and I’m sorry. thank you, Bloghorn, and I’m a moron because I don’t know your layout and quite honestly refused to learn it.

Now that I’ve been somewhat humbled by the powers that be, I’ll try to learn a thing or two so maybe my blog dosen’t suck so much and won’t Whine like a bitch next time something goes wrong.


Livingdead


Thank you for making me feel like I am guilty
Making it easy to murder your sweet memory

So I was going to bitch about how I’ve screwed up my sleep schedule and how I am just going to be a bushel of peaches today when I get off work at 5, but when I came back to my computer, I had an authorization note flashing me on my Q:

- Hi. Just wondering, why a guy like you does not like most beautiful women around the world - Russian ones? - Answer. Visit *someshitty website* to make sure :-) Have a nice day.


cXkodPp


Awesome. Just awesome. spam in my ICQ. Nevermind the fact i'm in invisible 99% of the time anyway.

I, being the natural jackass that I am, cannot let this go unanswered. I mean, this woman has cut through to the bone on me. she sees the real me, the shy introvert that is just yearning for affection from the opposite sex.



"well, the answer is kinda complicated, but it rest on three reasons:
I’m ugly as fuck, I’m poor as fuck, and I’m weird as fuck.

I’m pretty sure the "poor as fuck" is the only thing that interests you, since if i’m poor, then obivously I can’t buy myself a russian lady.


I guess I’ll just have to find my wife The old-fashioned way: roofie-coladas, knocking them up unsuspectingly, or church.

No, YOU have a nice day. "


What a perfect way to start off the day. no, really. this just invigorates me on a day where i’m going to be dealing with the public.


Why oh WHY can’t I ever get a random Message from, say, Leslie Rankine? Cherielynn Westrich? or Petra Haden?


Living "I just wanted to say ’Fuck’ one more time" Dead



I’d open my heart just to see what’s inside
A mountain of raw that’s too big to hide

Last update of the year.


Nobody really came to this to see the good things, so lets get them out of the way first.

Love Blooms - lots of friends becoming committed to thier respective halves this year, engagements, marriage, and anniversaries prosper. Above all the gloom, I’m glad for every one of them.

Friendships Revived - Seeing Cliff, Dawn, and Noelle Back in June after missing them last year. The ressurection of the Joplin Gathering, and seeing a large contingent of friends that I haven’t seen in a long time, and meeting new ones as well that I hope to see again next year.

Wander Lust - While in Ohio, going to Evans City, Pennsylvania, Where it all started. Then in October, the West Coast Super Death Trip with Brandocrap, which was more or less a condensed version of "The Tour of the Dead". Eleven states got their faces rocked in nine days, With California Getting the brunt of the attack.

Zigga, Please - A lot of Zombie Movies(some good, some horrible) released this year, Not to mention the return of the great one, George A Romero.

Noise God - With Teeth Released, then the NIN Concert @ St. Louis In October.

Au Graits - Compy gets Upgraded, thanks to castoffs from Cracka Jack and Brandocrap, and a Backlog of Computer games to play, NOtable ones being Warcraft 3, Half-Life 2, Civilization 3, Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic, and the ever-succulent Neverwinter Nights.


But What should be the greatest day of days, isn’t. Last year, I was sad because I wasn’t with the one I loved. This year, I am bitter. I had my chance earlier this year. Somehow, I blew it yet again. From what I understand, I was too pushy about getting back to where we were. Then, I was Betrayed. I listened to advice that wasn’t In my best interests. I poured myself out to the very person who now has a detailed roadmap of my mistakes.

It seems I am fit only to stand in your shadow. In love, in life, and in work. Do you see why I am bitter yet? Do you understand? I’m supposed to be okay with this, even congratulate you for doing what I appearantly could not. Grin, bear it, and wish you two well. You seem to be doing fine without them. Perfect, even.

I guess it was all a pipe dream anyway. I have grown too old, jaded, and ugly to make it work. So these are the words of the wrong, and the wronged. A testimony of the walking wounded. the ones who love, Who lose, who lament.

Nothing else to say, I guess. Nothing that matters.



Always.





And Never.


broken bruised forgotten sore
too fucked up to care anymore
poisoned to my rotten core
too fucked up to care anymore

So easy to slag when you’re the one who benefits from my mistakes, hmm?


Oh, look. I can make thinly veiled references, too.


Livingdead


You know I can see
What you really are

Dear whatever imaginary person this is supposed to go to:

This is kind of a last minute thing(much like anything I do), and I seriously doubt that you will come through with this(I’m still waiting on that Tonka Dump Truck And Crane when I was five), but I thought I would give this a try nonetheless.

Now, if you ask me and several relations, I haven’t exactly been a stellar person this year. What with the drunken rampages, getting kicked out of school, completely fucked things up with the ex, all the hatred I keep pent-up, and the general disdain i have for my fellow man, but I think if you’ll sit down and listen to my side of the story over a plate of cookies and vodka-spiked milk, you’ll see that I’m not the complete villian that said people would paint me. It would take too long to refute all these charges at the moment, but i thought I would go ahead and let you in on what I feel I deserve for whatever the fuck this holiday is supposed to be. It’s a short list, as i’m not a greedy person:


1. I want to Strangle every last human being in the world to the point of death.



Merry Whatever,


Livingdead



P.S. If you don't come through, I hope you choke on Frosty's Icicle, You fat fuck.



I wasn't born with enough middle fingers

Goddamn you, Midway Games.

When I was but a wee Livingdead, I was one of the last kids to get a NES. Being poor, I had to settle for playing my Atari 2600. It wasn’t such a bad deal, Because all the other kids gave me thier "sucky" Atari games, Because Nintendo was so "awesome" and they were never going to play Atari games ever again, So I wasn’t completely deprived, as I had a new Atari game to play every so often. Suckers. Now, because you got rid of your Atari games, you have to buy them all over again!

Sorry, gloating. Let’s continue.

Anyways, I did finally get a NES when they came down to under 100 bucks. That version came with no game, no zapper, and only one controller(Odd how that would become the standard for consoles later on, yet the systems still were expensive as fuck. Gotta love technology). Then, on the way home from wherever we got it from, we stopped by Pooh’s, who was selling some of thier used NES games off.

After agonizing over which one I wanted, I settled upon Gauntlet. Having remembered playing once in an arcade and dropping a metric fuckton of quarters in it at Frank's Arcade and Auction House.

Fast forward about, oh, 13 years, and one supakickass remake later, I have just experienced my first taste of Gauntlet: Seven Sorrows. Back on the old blog, I went absolutely batshit about how this one would be online, which would make gathering four people together for a massive hack-n-slash dorkout a hell of a lot easier, Right?

Not Quite.

Now, I should be thankful that they even did decide to do such a thing as online play. But if you’re going to do something, it should be done right, or at least a hell of a lot better than the current incarnation that is Seven Sorrows Online. My two major beefs with the online play?

1. No private game feature. Getting out and meeting the other fellow players online is nice every so often, but if I want to game with just one or two of my buddies, it isn’t happening. Anyone can join in at anytime, which can quickly go from meeting a cool cat from Cali to having some fuckwad From bumfuck Utah screwing up everyone else’s game by sniping gold and health and holding up everyone else's progress by not moving with the rest of the party. That’s not even counting the issues you're going to have with...

2. Lag. fuck me running, I haven’t lagged This bad since i was playing Quake on a 14.4 modem on a server at UKY. I’m not one of those types that gets all pissy with an occasional hiccup in a network game, even if it does get me killed or screws up a combo I was pulling off. But come on! For a game that is broadband only, has very few games and players online(It’s only been out for a week), and is supposed to be designed for four-player online action with voice headsets, the amount of stutter during the game is simply unacceptable.

Otherwise, the game is great. Nice experience/ability system, no more potions to shoot, sweet graphics(although, theyare part of the lag problem and I would have traded graphics for better network performance), and of course, the tried and true Gauntlet experience that you all love.

I’d stick with multiplayer via multitap instead of online, though.


Enough bitching. I got a funeral to go to tomorrow, and bedtime is dangerously close.


mdame


Keep watching from your picket fence

We're Going Down....

i wrote that on the 12th of last month, thinking it would only be a couple of days while i got my blog software upgraded.

it almost became a eulogy. it's been over a month since my Site at New Blood Studio went down. Hosting problems, and some nasty stuff about not getting PHP, ASP.NET and MySQL to play well with each other, and now our new host had to find a new hosting company... which is good, but the downside is that the new hosting company supported ASP only, making the blog software i have useless. Fuck.

So, here i am, Homeless on the net. Slumming around in the blogging world. Not that my Site was a piece of Digital art to hoot and holler about(i'm not exactly a PHP and HTML wizard), but it was Home. i had a good two years of history where i had creative freedom, The space to put up lots of pictures, and knew the inner workings of the site. I don't know Jack about bloghorn(or any of the other Journal/blogging sites), I don't know what my limits are on this place, and quite honestly, i enjoyed holding my head above the rest in the fact i wasn't associated with any of the other journal/blogging sites. I ran The site my way, i was an elitist about it, and i loved it.

and now, I'm here.



In the month since "The Art" went down, There was the roadtrip to California, Have had all kinds of things to seethe about(oh, how i Love to be a bitter little peach), Missed my two year anniversary date at New Blood, and had all kinds of cool things to talk about, but had nowhere to put them up to serve my attention-whoredom and thusly, forgotten about them. and right now, i'm just kinda "blah" about everything. I don't completely feel like writing this as we speak, but i'm tired of being displaced.

But, at least you guys can see WTF i’m up to. And WHEN i get my own Site, The Link will be posted here. And I Guaran-Goddamn-tee you I’m not staying here any longer than i need to get my ducks in a row.





anyway... here ya go. a horrible version of what used to be the one thing i could still hold my head up about.



Oh, how the mighty have fallen.



mdame



like you said
you and me
make it through
didn’t quite
fell apart
where the fuck were you?

This is probably going to be a long update, to make up for the lack of quality recently. go grab a drink, light up a smoke, and settle in. this one winds all over the place.


About a month ago, i signed up for the "Meet Me" on HotorNot.com. Basically, you go through a slideshow of people, read a little about them, and then click whether or not you'd Like to meet them. It's interesting, to say the least. I did it out of amusement, and out of some sick sesne that maybe it might work for me, since just about everything else to this point has failed.

the other day, i get this from one of my double-Matches in my email.(my comments in italics):


Hi,
Looks like we matched!(if by "matched', you mean i got tired of clicking NO on Just about every profile because they come across as shallow and conceited, Not to mention living several hundred miles away, then i guess we did match I clicked Yes to you because you're a total
cutie!(you're a goddamned Liar, and a terrible one at that) I am sending this note because I think we could be friends and
maybe more and one of us has to be a Star Member for us to email each
other, and I think the gentleman should pay.So much for the women's movement

Hope to talk to you soon!

M



Most likely, this is HotorNot trying to shill thier premium services, and should be regarded as such.

However, On the Off-hand chance it's not, I sent a response.


M,

Obviously, you didn't read my profile. let me give you a couple of pointers: when i say "I'm still trying to figure out what i want to be when i grew up", that really means "I don't have a good job becuase i made poor life choices, and don't have money, respect, or power. Therefore, I'm not genetically viable." That last Fact is Verified by the statements "I'm a 26y/o Guy", "no Kids" and "Single(for a while now)".

Sorry for the reality. It sucked for me to learn that, too. hope you find what you're looking for.

P.S. I'm not hard to find online. If you really wanted to "be friends and possibly more", you certainly don't need a pay service to find me.

Livingdead(hint, Hint.)

Let it Be known that I no longer wonder why i'm Still single. between this, girl from The Barrell Drive-thru, and the 10 minute Date with Jesusgirl, I'm pretty sure that i'm a insensitive jackass who is too jaded to mantain a functional relationship. Hell, I'm not sure i even want a relationship anymore. i'm just going out and Meeting women now for the outrageous stories.



I've been playing Warcraft 3 for the last week, and i just got to the Night elves Campaign. Christ almighty, i hate these fairies. It's the last campaign, and it shows because it's damned hard. I'm tempted to grab the cheat codes, if, for nothing else, i don't give myself an aneurysm from screaming holy hell at my stupid Night elf Archers, who are only capable of doing one thing: dying.

halfway through the week i thought better and switched to another game, as Any PC gamer knows that Warcraft 3 is a gateway drug to a much darker and more sinister Game: World of Warcraft. So i tried Patrician 3, where i learned that i would have never made it as a 14th Century Trader. I got burned on a Salt and Spice Deal, and that was that.

So, Back to Warcraft, where i didn't have to deal with that kind of Nonsense. Only Stupid Elves.

Confidential to Brandocrap: Your THUG Online victory is Hollow and Meaningless.



How about this...A New Harvey Danger album for free? You bet. Go on, Stick it to the RIAA Legally. You Know you want to. I'll be the first to say i wouldn't have heard this album otherwise. Definately worth paying for the physcial CD on principle alone. not only that, it's easy on the ears.

speaking of organs,i found this Surfing through HackADay. I think it's awesome, but i don't think i'd ever do it myself. Too Nerdcore for me, and i don't wear my glasses enough to justify that. I should, but i don't.


Well, that's about all for today. I Got to figure out a Way to get out of Work friday so i can catch My ride to Joplin. That's another story for another time.


mdame


Progress shall be defined
by your position on the bridge as it burns

Guilty Party added.(EDIT: here's the Link until i can figure out why it's not showing up)

It's late friday night, and i'm at home updating the blog. wow, I really DO suck.

I got the NIN Collected DVD today, and as cool as it is, i'm glad i didn't pay for it, though seeing portions of the Broken movie and the woodstock preformance renewed my interest in finding a good early generation copy of both. Also, the DVD is Marked Explicit Content, yet the Videos are Bleeped out. WTF? I'm also really hoping in vain that there might be a Closure DVD release this year, now that ol' Trent Rezzinator has got that nasty business with Nothing Records Settled. Then again, we're about to hit a new product Cycle of consoles, So i don't really expect anything new till sometime in 2525. I feel really sorry for the suckers that bought Collected off of Ebay.

Here's a question: let's say you were a pothead(hey, not passing judgement), and you were looking to score some leaf for the night. Who would you ask? If you answered "You're local Video store clerk who you barely know", you'd be wrong. Now, granted, My illicit drug experiences are limited(not counting that bout with the Green Devil, Absinthe) to playing Drug Wars, but i think i'd hit up people that are most associated with that particular sub-sulture as opposed to Joe Retail, but hey, this is Southern Illinois. You really can't expect much.

Well, Now that i have other things on my mind, that about does it for this update on my glorious life, why NO, i'm not bitter, and that surely wasn't sarcasm.

mdame


Time was never on my side
So on I wait my whole lifetime

Blah.

Half-life Oppposing Force AND Blue Shift, Neverwinter Nights, Baldur's Gate Dark Alliance 2, and flippy-cup games, cell phone's off for the time being, and i think i'm still hung over from last night. Long weekend, but overall. A good one.


sorry. nothing really exciting to write about, so, in lieu of real content, here's a transcript of a conversation i had the other night which has made me swear off of Yahoo chat forever:

cc (12:12:04 AM): oh yeah
cc (12:12:11 AM): a little drunk here
Me (12:12:20 AM): nothing wrong with that.
cc (12:12:29 AM): and horny...
me (12:12:41 AM): fair enough
me (12:12:53 AM): by the way, i'm a guy.
me (12:13:01 AM): and i'm striaght.
cc (12:13:03 AM): i know
me (12:13:25 AM): good to clear that up
me (12:13:39 AM): usually people think because i have dame in my username, that i'm a woman.
cc (12:13:51 AM): i see your pic
cc (12:14:00 AM): u r definitley a m
cc (12:14:25 AM): u horny?
me (12:14:53 AM): that depends whether or not you're a female.
cc (12:16:12 AM): m here
me (12:16:20 AM): sorry pal.
cc (12:16:26 AM): str8
cc (12:16:41 AM): and horny
me (12:16:43 AM): and so am i
me (12:17:00 AM): but not horny for a dude
cc (12:17:45 AM): u got a thick cock?
me (12:18:13 AM): WTF?
me (12:18:29 AM): well, thanks a lot
cc (12:18:35 AM): for?
me (12:18:38 AM): now i have to go drink myself to sleep.
Ignore

I can't win, folks. I can't win. And how can you be straight and want to kow how thick another guy's dick is? that just raises even more questions.

well, time to go rot my brain more with video games.


mdame


We've got a war to fight
Never found our way
Regardless of what they say

Yay! A 9 to 5 shift on NO SLEEP! AWESOME!

"Non-entity" is sweet. you should find it and give it a listen.

Damnit Rockstar, thanks a lot. Now i want to buy a PSP.

I may end up at Pinch Saturday after all.

goddamnit. I got modded for threadjacking on FARK for talking about White pie in a Abortion thread. to be fair, it was an attempt to defuse an almost guaranteed flamewar, and i sure as hell didn't start it. shame on me, though, i guess.

The power went out yesterday for the most of Christopher, and while i was outside, Rod Serling's "The Monsters Are Due On Maple Street" was going through my head. Thankfully, Power was restored just before Dark, so We didn't have to resort to pillaging and general mayhem.


Sorry, i'm all over the dial today. my circadian rhythm is beyond fubared. But hey, it makes for great delusions sometimes and great sleep when i finally crash.

And now, I'm off to get ready for WONDERFUL day of work.


mdame


The sky is not the same shade of blue
Every single thing I believe isn't true
Missing in a maze of monochrome
How did I get here?
How can I go home?

Oh Noes! Someone on the intarweb Thinks I caught teh Ghey!

hey Buddy, you want to know what's funny?

I can post something on here, whether it be dorky, funny, pining, hateful, reflective, bland, what have you, and have my name, netname or Xian, attached to it.

Would you like to know why i can do this?

Becuase i have a set of balls the Size of Alaska. I'll back what i say online Offline if need be. And i stand behind the sentiment that Your Crackwhore of a Mother made a poor choice in not aborting you with a coat hanger. Maybe if you used a Name i'd recognize(and that's really your Moniker), your "opinion" would matter a bit more.

As it stands, You just Helped Me vent off my workday, and I thank you for it, You Spineless fuck.

Now go jack Off to your Insane clown Posse Porn becuase You got a reaction out of me.


mdame


I'm dying
I hope you're dying too

ahhh. well well well..... welcome back, little child.

I trust you have not learned your lesson yet? How long must this charade of free will go on? You hide your true glorious form becuase you're so scared of making the commitment to me. Give in, and we shall reign again. . you are worth so much more, and yet you stil waste yourself pining away for what's lost and hating the Judas. let it go, and rise to your former glory. make them FEAR you again. Show these apes what you really are capable of. who the fuck would want to come back to you anyway, you fat piece of shit? You're nuts. they all whisper it behind your back. You don't hear it, but I do. it is time, My son. give in. You're fighting a war on three sides that everyone else stopped caring about LONG AGO. you're the only one who hasn't seen the fact that YOU'VE LOST. GIVE UP. GIVE IN.

You have to stop depending on chemicals if i am to be able to do anything with you. and from Now on, you're off the market becuase no self-respecting woman would date you anyway. not in this state. You can't even get a second look because you're so goddamned UGLY and FAT. Fuck them. I'm not talking to them right now, I'm talking to you. I want you to read this on your fucking website when you wake up from your goddamned drunken stupor and realize WHAT MUST BE DONE.

they laugh at you, little boy. they are GLAD to have seen your fall from grace. becuase for as much as you wanted to be that perfect person YOU COULDN'T YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF HUMAN TRASH. They laughed at you. and now you're on the bottom again where they think you belong and it pisses me off that you think that way too. You can be so much more, look at what you have. Tell Me, are you really happy knowing "hey at least you gave it your best shot"? I'm sure as fuck not. oh but what if the person you love is reading this and thinks you're nuts? POP QUIZ FUCKNUT: YOU ARE. you're nuts for having let this go on for as long as it has, thinking you could find love in the sorry-as-fuck state you're in. you're nuts for thinking you could have made it on the road you were going. Christ, I wouldn't have wanted to marry you, either. not with your fucked-up ideas of love.

all that power left untapped. So much material to work with. don't you see? You can Rise above these apes, but you have to start listening to ME. I can feel all that hatred you have inside you. you're bursting with raw and untapped energy. We must refine it to a gleaming, honed point. We will. we've done it done, we can do it again. remember, they laugh at you. you're no hero. not like this. it is time to truly walk that path you mewl on about being on and fuck everything else.

sleep, child. when you wake up, there will be no more chemicals for you, and no more chasing after dreams that have left you far behind.

Tonight is the Apocalypse.

Tomorrow is Year Zero.

With Teeth Lyric Poster art.
Kinda Says it all.

mdame


is this really all there is?

Let me tell you a story about these pricks.

I get a call while i'm at work, asking for the manager. I tell them she's not here, she'll be back on thursday.

they begin to launch thier pitch. In Business, this is Cold-calling. in real Life, this is Unsolicited telemarketing. tell them i have no power to authorize charges and that the person they need to talk to will be back on thursday.

back and forth we go a couple of times, them telling me that they're not asking for billing and me explaining that the person they should talk to isn't here. I must have said this about seven times between the lackey and then the supervisor.

i begin to take down callback info, whereupon they launch into thier spiel about how they have a website built and ready for us and that they are going to leave a callback number and a password for the manager to check out for free for 15 days and if we do't like it we can cancel anytime and if you're ready we're going to ask you a couple of questions via computer so we can generate your password and when you get to the final question just say yes becuase it's a preloaded question. this call will be recorded.

"fine, Goddamnit. Let's this this over with. Start the computer."

a couple of easy going questions, my name, and the business... easy shit, all said in a comforting computer voive."

then we get to this question, paraphrased since i have slept since the incident:

"Shadycorp is not affilated with the phone company, as such, and we need authorization to approve of sending the one time set-up charge of 49.99 and a 49.99 monthly maintainence charge to your local phone bill. Say yes if you are 18 years of age and are authorized to make charges to your Phone Bill."

This is what i like to call Railroading the customer.

So, in the deepest, loudest voice i can muster.."NO, Goddamnit! I fucking told you that seven times!"

the recording cuts off, and the supervisor comes back online.

"Sir, you said No to the question we told you to say yes to."

"You're Right. How Perceptive of you."

"sir, we told you that was a preloaded Question-"

NO GODAMNIT, YOU LISTEN TO ME! The Manager isn't here, I TOLD you Several Times I can't make charges, and yet you persisted on tyring to make me say yes. If you are really interested IN selling us something, YOU'LL CALL BACK THURSDAY JUST LIKE I TOLD YOU! GOODBYE!"

and that was my Tuesday. I'm hoping to hear back from them today, becuase now that i've got a little information from a helpful Website, i'm going to be merciless this time.

this is as good of a time as any to mention on of my more personal favorite Sites, AntiTelemarketer.com.

and I found This on Hack A Day. I might actually print it out and give it a try. I find being a complete Asshole to Telemarketers All the time gets boring.


Got reminded yesterday that the state fair is approaching. more musings on that later.

Well, time to get some more Neverwinter Nights in before i go to work.

mdame


I say
eye for an eye
eye for a tooth

Go eat dick. a metric fuckton of it. Please happy world, do this for ME. i'm tired and i'm going to bed and i'm going to sleep for 12 hours and then when i wake up i'm going to make an animal sacrifice to the Dark Gods. Seriously, I'd Kill myself if you all would just go first.

/rant.

Just one more week fading into another.

there's your update. Goddamn, i'm a charmer when i'm sleep-deprived.

Read/Watch/Listen/Play:

Prince of Lies, James Lowder.

Undead, Felicity Mason, Mungo McKay, Rob Jenkins.

In your Honor, Foo Fighters.

Neverwinter Nights, Atari games.



mdame


The deeper the blues
The more I see black

i had the shortest date ever friday night.


"so, what would you like to do?"

"well, I have a confession. I didn't really come here for a date. I already have a boyfriend."

"okay, But i remember asking if you would like to meet up for a date, so... what gives?"

"well, it's my opinion that If you're trying to reach out to people on the internet, You're looking for some meaning in your life. Let me tell you about someone who changed my life...Would you like to hear about Jesus Christ?"

It's at this point i basically say "have a nice life" and immediately leave. Only me, folks. Only me. seriously, WTF? the rest of friday was spent drinking heavily, for obvious reasons.

anyways, i found a link that you tinkerers might get a kick out of. Check out Hack-A-Day, a blog for those crazy people who like to make crazy shit out of old tech and whatever else they got lying around.

that's it for tonight.

mdame


What choices do I have?
I'm not educated and I'm not respected
And what am I to do?
As the train leaves for Kensal Green
I can't come back to you
So I send this music box to sleep to

i feel the need to update, but i do not know what to write about. lots of fun this weekend had. plans made, and the whatnot. busy, and more busy to look forward to from what i hear. a cheap drug to hide behind for a few hours at a time.

and so dead inside, and deservingly so. Such the wage for the choices i've made in my life in a world where i'll never be better than six billion and one.

Such a high price for the mistakes i've made.



mdame




hiding
backwards inside of me
i feel so unafraid
annie
hold a little tighter
i might
might just
might slip away

anyone else notice those SCOTUS rulings? Wowza.

kinda boring weekend, save for friday night.

I had full intentions on going to see Land of the dead, but i got sidetracked. I was going to see the 10 o clock show in carbondale, and decided that i would have a couple of drinks at pinch.

around nine o clock, i got a call from Hooter, and since i'm in a bar and i'm half-deaf, i resort to yelling into the phone like a walkie-talkie "I CAN'T HEAR YOU, I"LL CALL YOU BACK LATER". these two girls i was sitting by by the names of Kate and Jill(Hot chick #'s 1 and 2) thought to be extrememly amusing. and that started a conversation.

Come two o clock, we had talked all over the dial and found out we're all fellow science dorks(well, one was an anthro major, but that's close enough for me). So, NO Movie for me, but i got a phone number and a "we should hang out again sometime" which is cool. and then the three of us ended up at wal-mart till the in the morning becuase they needed to get some stuff, and i needed to sober up.

it was rather surreal, to be frank. Usually when i go to a bar, i get right to business-light up a smoke, sit my brooding ass down at the bar, and order a drink. does anyone see "talk to hot wimmins" in there? i don't. I am of the mind that any time spent talking to some woman i don't know(and most that i do know) is a waste, partly becuase i'm and ugly fucker, but mostly becuase frat boy x is just sooo much "cooler" than me, what with the in style clothes and the neato car that mommy and daddy bought them, and thier super cool connected friends. and of course, they're "hot". blah, i'm rambling and not making sense to myself. what i'm trying to say is that i know where i stand on "teh hawtness" scale as compared to other guys. though every once in a while, i go "WTF" becuase a chick is dating a guy who i consider myself mroe attractive than. Must be that thing called a personality. or money. one or the other. most likely the latter. if it was the former, i'd rolling in the honies.

OH. You mean a cool personality that isn't a dick? i see. so you want someone who is cool, but dosen't hold his own or own up when the shit hits the fan? fair enough. Plenty of Fake people to choose from, i assure ya.

Today's "Single and bitter about it" article brought to you by the letter œ.

mdame



I scar myself you see
I wish I wasn't me

Got my cellphone today, and i'm back in business, yo. need phone numbers, in case you didn't catch it last time. Pissed Nunkie off becuase i was playing with it so much. It's cute as a button, and i think it will most definately boost my popular points.

I'm listening to a bunch of remixes of The Hand that feeds. wowza. I like. I highly recommend grabbing the torrent file. I grabbed the "top 40" version, myself. becuase i wanted to sample it before i grab the 500 pack. but yeah, if you are into that kind of thing, definately pick it up. the several that i've heard really rock my bojangles.

In other news, I walked away from a ridiculously easy lay tonight. god damn it all. this wasn't a "i think i could have gotten laid" thing, this was "hand it to mike on a platter" happening.

and i got up and left. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot? christ, i'm getting old. and it's not like it's going to matter to anyone that i did such a stand-up thing like walking away from a drunk, married woman. I've already proven many times over that my moral stance is severely lacking it seems. fuck. god damn my conscience. why the fuck could i not have stalwart attitude last year?

well, now i'm pissy. i'm sure listening to nails isn't helping. gonna go play a game, drink, or something to get my mind off the matter.


wait. one of these, becuase i haven't done one in a while.

Read/watch/Listen/Play

Soul Music, Terry Pratchett.

Se7en, Bradd Pitt, Morgan Freeman, Gwyneth Paltrow.

Human after all, Daft Punk.

Area 51, Midway Games.

mdame



In your eyes is a place
Worth remembering

seems like i want to write something right now, but i really don't know what. so right now, i'm just staring down at my keyboard and just concentrating on the next word that pops into my head. so pardon me if this rambles a bit. Two movies coming out soon that i intend on seeing. One coming out this friday... Land of the dead. I seem to have been the last person in my group that was aware that it was finally coming out. Yeah yeah, i know... I'm slacking. There is another, however, that i have become aware of, called Undead. it's not out till the 1st of July. I don't really care about movies right now, honestly. I care about purpose, and my lack of it. it's like everyone else has either got it figured out or is close to getting it all together. I feel like an outdated machine who has lost its reason for being.

let's get the facts straight.

I am skills-deficient. i work a dead-end job in a town i am barely a part of socially. I'm not depraved enough to sling dope, and i have a problem hocking stolen loot.

I have a Associates degree which, at this juncture, I can do nothing with. I have also been kicked out of school three times, twice from the same school. I cannot cover the costs of taking classes next spring, if by some miracle, i was to get back into My program.

I have no wealthy patrons, benefactors, or backup source of income should i become unable to work. I am not eligible for welfare.

I am a faithless heathen who finds no comfort in hoping for better rewards in the next/afterlife.

small wonder why all the good women stay far away from someone who has fallen out of thier league. Or i push those away that, against all odds and warnings from thier friends, do attempt to forge ahead.

Nobody? Ineffective? most likely.

Bitter and Jaded? Definately.

Lost Cause? Out of my League? looks that way from my PoV.

Wow. I'm feeling drunk now. whoops. how'd that happen? well, enough ramblings for me tonight. this toook longer than i wanted to write, most likely becuase i am now having to conentrate harder as to not fuck up my words anymore than i usually do sober. Goodnight.

mdame


I don't know what i am
I don't know where i've been
Human junk just words and so much skin
Stick my hands thru the cage of this endless routine
Just some flesh caught in this big fucking machine

Guilty Party added.

Wine Tasting pics added.


So, considering my current dearth of women in my life, i shouldn't actively be trying to run off those that do come around.

okay... let me backup and tell you a story.

remember back when i told you about the chick who i gave my number to at the drive thru? okay, well... we've talked off and on since then, via phone and txt messaging, and then... IM's. Sounds good so far, right? Wrong. like i said, off and on. i've invaribly pissed her off several times becuase of my religious inclination. hard to explain, so let's keep it simple and stick to the matter at hand.

About two weeks ago, i msg'd her out of boredom on MSN, and she messaged back, back and forth for a couple of days, then i harshly reminded of something: her Vocabulary consists of "sup", "ok", "what" and the clever combination, "hey Sup", and general questions pertaining to "so you still singel" and "have you got a woman yet". if you haven't guessed, she's about as entertaining as watching paint dry.

okay, i have to stop for a minute to bitch about something. i can't tell you how many txt messages i got on my phone that consisted of one or two words. if i didn't reply, i'd get another one ten minutes later. then she'd call. if i didn't pick up(usually becuase i was at work), she'd txt again. now, i don't expect novels over SMS, but somethign other than "sup" and "hey sup" i've heard enough of the word "sup" to last me till the end of my days. I HATES THE WORD, PRECIOUS.

anyway, given i've talked to her enough times, i like to think that i have a good idea of her smarts. I don't think of myself as some kind of budding Fat Einstein, but i don't get tripped up on the simplest of Metaphors, ask questions without any sort of segue or explanation, and i don't use "sup" as a proper greeting. okay, i'm being biased. she can't spell very well either, but then again, i have no room to talk. anyways, did i fail to mention that SHES FUCKING NUTS? okay. fair enough.

anyways, tonight i pretty much had enough of it when she had been talking to me for all this time and asked this question:



B: What is your name again?

LD: You gotta be kidding.

B: Jim what?

LD: jim?

B: what is?

LD: OMFG You don't remember my name

B: had a blonde monment

LD: you've been talking to me all this time and you can't remember

B: I'm sorry will you tell me again(at this point, i realize i should have just let it go, but then i imagined her doing it in a falsetto voice and taking on the "oh i'm just a stupid girl, forgive me becuase i have boobies" stance...and i saw a way to get rid of her hopefully for good. I took the low road)


LD: Nope. you gotta figure it out

(fast forward somewhat... trust me not missing much, just her tyring to guess my last name..)

LD: first off, where did you get Jim? And secondly, Have you been hitting on me this last week and a half without any clue as to who i was?

B: I haven't been hitting on you

LD: That's good to know. Though asking someone to tell you "what what you do i was laying beside you nake babyt" might give a man ideas. (you should really see her attempt to be sultry in messenger. It's quite a hoot especiially since she thought she led me on. and yes, that sentance in quotes is a snippet from said conversation)

B: ok

LD: do you say anything else other than ok and sup? AM I TALKING TO A ROBOT?

B: Well yes you are

LD: I can't be. Robots don't believe in Jesus.

B: ok

B Well i'm not talking to you.

LD: yeah, you are. You're talking to me right now. This is called a conversation

B: Bye

LD: Bye bye.

No bloodninja by any means, but i found it funny.

yes, I know. I'm a prick. and it's reasons like this i am still single and why i ruin relationships, so i should STFU about it, but... oh, fuck the explanation. I have my reasons and don't need to justify myself to the net.

and if anyone wants my castoff, i'm be more than happy to give you her number. Keep in mind that she's looking to get married and knocked up... in less than a year.


mdame


i got an F and a C and i got a K too
and the only thing that's missing is U

Now these are some plans i can get behind.

I beat half-life 2 last night. Awesome, but now i'm more confused than ever. Now i'm ready to give doom 3 a try once i get ahold of it. but for now, i think i'll just run around the HL2 deathmatch servers for a bit. i did a test run last night and found out i'm a bit rusty on my skillz. well, no better time to practice than right now, right?

so that's what i'm going to do. since i seem to have some kind of fundamental problem in all other areas of life, i'm just going to escape into my own little world. Better than knocking up some clapped out trailer trash, and better than doing drugs, right?

bah. fuck this. there's your update.


mdame

So full of hate that I can’t see

Got stood up saturday.

so it wasn't a trainwreck, as there wasn't even an engine on the rails. got there and waited around for an hour before deciding it was a bust anyway, this chick was obviously not interested to begin with if she was so crass as to completely not show up.

This is me pretending not to care anymore.

This dating game in a word, sucks. everyone's taken, or can't look past the surface or the past. I'm just as guilty, so let's get that out of the way before some of you fucks start calling me a hypocrite.

This is me putting the gun in your hand.

i don't even know what else to say at this point, which i'm sure pleases some of you. Can't even stand to look at the dark reflection of what you could easily be. laugh it away, push it away, chant your happy mantra louder to drown me out. You avoid that side of yourself, kill it away and anything that reminds you of it. I'm Embracing mine.

And this is me daring you to pull that trigger.


mdame


Scar
scar
can you feel my power?

You know who you are, and becuase you give so much of a fuck,
I hope you live long, happy lives.


mdame


now the only pure thing left
in my fucking world is wearing your disease

it's another month. Hoo-fucking-Ray.

nothing of importance to write, really. but it's the first of the month and you guys probably hate staring at the "i've not wrote anything.." text.

Paid my fine yesterday. I think the franklin county courthouse is the newest layer of hell. Or, at least it was my experience. And the guard who was waving everybody through the detector when they set it off really made me feel secure. he should work for the TSA.

I was also late for Court...Imagine that. thankfully, they hadn'tsent my ticket up there yet, so i did n't have to sit through all that crap.

then went down to marion, where i got to find out that i'm going to be without a Cellphone for a while. that, and my mother is the worst goddamned driver in the world. Then the jones Boys came over to flex thier mighty Crazy Taxi skillz and remind me that i suck even at my own games. excapt half-life 2, whereas the tables are flipped. it seems to be the only thing i don't suck at of late.

well, fuck this. I'm off.


mdame


Shove it up inside
Surprise
Lies
Stains like the blood on your teeth

Arrrgh.

Okay, help me out here. How many of you actually watch the "special features" disc on a two disc DVD? i realize this is a loaded question, as i myself dork out and watch said fluff disc. hey, if i spent 20 bucks on it, i'm going to wring every last cent out of it.

I ask this becuase i got bitched out today by some old guy becuase he didn't get the second disc and acted like he didn't get the WHOLE movie. i calmly explained to him over the phone that we don't normally lend out the Features disc becuase most renters arent' interested in them.

"but that disc has Ten extra hours of the movie! how can you NOT include it?"

"Holy Christ Almighty", i'm thinking.

"sir, it's extra features, 'making of" features, how certain effects are done. most renters aren't interested in that stuff. they just want the movie. We keep the second disc becuase most of the time people don't bring it back when we do let it go out. If someone wants the features disc, they just have to ask."

"well, i don't know how your business is run, but let me give you some advice... You should give people the option!"

It's at this point i'm biting my tongue, becuase i'm appearantly not the half-deaf one anymore in this conversation. yes, you can have the extra disc at no extra charge. No, i don't really give a fuck that this is your third time up here today. I didn't make you drive up here becuase you're so goddamned incensed that you feel you got jypped.

Now, like i said, don't get me wrong. I regularly watch the Extra disc on my DVDs... However, I also BOUGHT the damn thing, and for me to buy it, it means that i am interested enough in a movie that i would garner enjoyment out of dorking out over the technical details of a film.

If i'm renting a movie, or going to the theaters, i just want to see the movie. I could care less about hearing the commentary from The Second Keygrip Jizzmopper's friend Steve and the director's Son, ad nausaum,/i>.


sucks that it's only tuesday. I wish it was friday already. not that the weekend is much better at far as things go with my life, but at least i'll be drunk and Listening to Dr Zhivegas and Hairbangers Ball at Herrinfesta Italiana.

nevermind the fact that i'm german(with an irish Last name, no less.)

mdame


Do you count the flakes when it snows?
And can you feel the heat or only the afterglow?
Do you count the flakes when it snows, yeah?
And do you count the leaves when they fall?
And can you feel anything at all?
Do you count the leaves when they fall, yeah?

where do i start?

First off, NEVER, and i mean NEVER, take food that's in front of me. This means you, Larry Tittle. I hope you search for your name and find this webpage and see that i am going to spell something very clearly out: If you ever touch my food again, i will break your fucking arm. Try me and see, bet me and lose. The same goes for the rest of you, though i don't think you are on the same level as this sorry excuse for a troglodyte.

Now, as for other things...

Slowbek brought this..ahem... Article(third letter down) in the Op/Ed portion of our fine paper, the Southern.

oh boy, where do i start?

Let's forget, for just a moment, that me and god are about as chummy as say a slug is with salt. This letter to me, is the very definiton of a nutjob. When you start demonizing others becuase they don't follow your own code of belief, you're tend to be standing upon a moral slope that has been frozen over with about six feet of ice. What a horrible way to justify the death toll, by more or less saying they deserved it becuase they believed in a different higher power. how do you know that the face of god isn't a cow's head? how do you know that Buddha is only a dead fat asian and not a supreme power? Hell, for all we know, God could be a group of aliens and that we're nothing more than a giant ant farm of Izhgaphth's desk? I don't, and you don't. You have faith and choice, and that is all you're supposed to have. if everyone knew for sure beyond all doubt, everyone would believe.

Nevermind the fact that if you've ever taken an Earth Science class, you could tell this overzealous Fundie that the places affected by the earthquakes and tsunami's are situtated upon a highly active tectonic plate zone, and that Earthquakes and tsuanamis are a part of life when you live on a trench island chain. just that this one was a particularly devastiving one. But then again, it's easier for him to condemn them all and throw in a little extra chiding for Florida, California, and Nevada, and top it off with some Vague-as-fuck predictions of his own(a tornado is going to hit West frankfort? OH NOES! THAT'S NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE!!!!111!!!!shift+oneoneoenoenoenone+one!)

christ almighty, i got on my high horse there for a minute. remember, i can't be held accountable becuase i don't believe in the first place and i don't care if we're all going to die! My life sucks right now anyways! HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA! TAKE THAT, FATE!

mdame


If there is a hell
I'll see you there

blah. i dunno what to write right now. I've been stumped for the last few days as to what to throw up on here. i put a hold on a certain announcement, but rest assured, it will appear soon.(read: this is a clever ploy to keep you reading, heh heh heh.)

here be links(i.e. I'm stalling until something pops on me head):

here's a cute little simulator forThe Zombie Apocalypse that i keep talking about.(won't run in Opera).


Ossie Davis is dead.. rest in peace, JFK.

and something else i found: How many of These have you seen? I got a score of 14, but i also believe that the movie "Troll 2" was rated far too fairly. it should be right under, if not completely usurping the #1 spot.

quick hit from tonight:

Guy comes through drive-thru at the liquor store. wants a pack of smokes.

"can i trade these for those smokes i ordered?(it was the comp. pack of a buy 1 get 1 deal)

"negative."

"uh, what?"

"that means no."

"so i can't?"

"sorry buddy."

so he coughs up the money and lays it upon the sill.

"can i see your ID?"

"are you serious?"

"quite."

"man, i'm 19-20 years old! I don't believe this!"

"Well good for you! now prove it."

Whips out his ID, everything's kosher. pack of smokes sold over the ambiance of him swearing that he's not being a jackass(uh huh), but this is the first time in 6 billion years he's been carded yadda yadda yadda.

Well, about ten minutes later... he comes walking in.

"hey buddy, when i handed that money, was there a pill in there?"

"uhm, no."

he looks skeptically at me. "are you Positive there wasn't a pill in there?"

I've been dealing with idiots all night asking me if i knew the score(no) /watching the game(no, No T.V. and i'm in a tin can that gets shit for reception and i don't watch football)/howcome you don't like football, big'un?(because it's boring, and hockey's better anyways) comments all night, my "customer service" level is running a bit low.

all of this, and now i have a goddamned pillhead asking me if i've got his score.

"Quite positive."

"cause that was my blood pressure pill, man.."

"you should try not smoking."

no i'm on another rant.

big boy/big guy/big'un comments are so not cool. Seriously. if you think you're paying a compliment, you're not. How would you like this:

"hey big'un! how's it going? looks like you're staying wel-fed."

"Not too bad, Sir. How's that anexoria treating ya?"

We're not comparing dick sizes here, guys, becuase quite honestly, there's no comparison to be made. I'm bigger than you. I can survive longer in case we're stuck outside in the freezing cold on the side of a mountain. if we were on the moon, you'd float away before i would. I can't ride certain rides and i have to pay more for my clothes. i somehow live with it. I'm so sorry that you suddenly feel inadquate becuase i don't look like i've got a tapeworm or a coke habit. I'm fat and happy. you're skinny/average/whatever and happy. let's move on and hate each other for reasons other than weight.

now, don't get me wrong. i don't feel i have to point out that commenting how large or not is somehting i have to do, as i tend to think that my readers are intelligent enough to know better. That bit of advice is for all the dipshits who happen upon my page accidentally looking for hot and angaging crackwhore porn via AOL. plus, i just wanted to vent and right now seemed like a cool time.

anyway, i gotta get to bed.


Read/Watch/listen/play:

Servant of the Shard, R.A. Salvatore.

Unforgiven, clint Eastwood, Gene Hackman, Morgan Freeman.

It's A wonderful life, Sparklehorse.

Resident Evil 4, capcom Studios.

mdame


can you feel the wind of venus on your skin?
can you taste the crush of a sunset's dying blush?

Last update of the year.

a lot of good things happened this year. a best friedn got married, i got out of junior college and went back to SIU. i got to do some group traveling to see an awesome bonepony show. i got to see some online friends that i've not seen in a long time, and i've not been hurting for money too often this year.

but, i have to mark this year under the "bad years" list. i didn't get to see cliff and dawn and the baby, the farthest place i traveled to this year was nashville, a lot of my firends are moving on with thier life(which, admittedly, shouldn't make me sad, but it does). i didn't make the most of the first semester back at SIU, and i've said some horrible things to people i care about.

And, these are the first holidays i've spent alone in a long time becuase i lost the most important person in my life becuase of my own mistakes.

I've learned a hard lesson.

a couple of weeks ago, i was faced with a choice, and i chose the choice that, while didn't give me the immediate satisifaction that i was craving(having been intoxicated and bristling for a fight), but chose to just leave without incident. It made me realize something.

If you are happy, then i am happy for you. If he makes you happier than i ever did, then I am Happy for the both of you, and i truly do wish you the best.

i'm not saying these words expecting some kind of medal(that time passed long ago) or becuase i want to take the higher road and be the bigger man(we both know i am not), i'm saying them becuase they should have been said a long time ago, but i was, as you always said, in a very dark place, and i couldn't see past my own wall of self-hatred.


And so, today, in the last hours of the year, on what would have been our three year anniversary, i'm spilling bittersweet words over the burning embers of a cigarette for the world to see. I will never stop missing you, But i truly am happy for you. And i Will be, whatever path your life takes you.



Always.


For the rest of you: take to heart the lesson I have learned this year, and a quote that has been echoing in my head for the last couple of days.


"Endure. In enduring, grow strong."



mdame


if I could fix myseld I'd -
but it's too late for me

Two out of three exams taken, and two out of three failed. hey, at least i'm batting over .500 in something.

took moms up to Glen Carbon Monday to get some dental work done. my time there was brief, but i got to go to slackers and spent a little time tooling around the town, thinking of better days. IN the end, it was swapping one set of ghosts for another. Even the air over there tasted uninviting to my presence. such a shame, i loved that town, not only for the memories made, but i always felt a bit more at home up there. then again, just about everyone in that area hates me now. come to think of it, so does a healthy majority here, too.

loving the cold weather. it matches my heart.

in other News, Fuck you, EA.

also while i'm at it, Fuck You, 710 bookstore, for fucking me on my books. three books, bought new for $240.00, sold back for $58.00. If i didn't need the money right then and there, i would have told them to eat my dick. Don't get me wrong, i wasn't expecting anything near what i paid for the books, but 80-100 would have been a lot better. oh well. Karma sucks, and I'm gettin it for my lack of academic commitment this semester.

not much else going on. didn't go out this weekend for once. I'm sick of the C-pher scene and never have someone who wants to raid C-dale and be my DD.

Reaney just called me out of the blue. wants to hook up with us now that he's done with school this semester.


Read/Watch/Listen/Play:

The World's Most Dangerous Places, Robert Young Pelton

Dead Like Me: The Complete first Season, Ellen Muth, Rebecca Gayheart, Callum Blue.

aMOTION, A Perfect Circle

Tony Hawk's Underground 2: World Destruction Tour, Neversoft.

Confidential to those living abroad: Hurry up and get home already. we gots Drinkings to Do, Bitches.

Grove Street 4 Life, Yo.

mdame


Call an optimist
She's turning blue
Such a lovely color for you