a good heart is not enough anymore.
a good heart is not enough.
a heart is not enough.
heart is not enough.
heart not enough.
not enough.
not.

Four months since I lost this war.

An eternity since I told myself once again, "This is the price i promised myself i would pay".
Not to play the part of the victim.

Just an honest appraisal of events since transpired.

Hate and anger. it was supposed to destroy me in the end.

Funny. Hate and anger is all that has kept me alive now.

I know you are there. Just beyond the digital haze that has settled. Just beyond that wall that i helped build and you reinforced. Can you even hear me anymore? Would what I say matter? Would I'm sorry ever fit in this context? Would I ever hear it from you? This is just as much yours, as it is mine.

So sorry.
So sorry I wear my hurt so openly for so long.
You would have missed it otherwise i fear.
I'm not clever enough to mix it subtlety in with some hip band's lyrics that you'd "get".



Or have you forgiven yourself completely? Do you just come occasionally, just to pat yourself on the back and say "Well, i gave it my all, but he's fuckin crazy. No hope for him." Does it help you sleep at night? Because my bed's still cold (is yours?) Yet I still burn with endless rage. Burned into my head, that thought of the other. The other who enjoys you late into the night. Wears your stink. Pulled you up onto your knees. Talked down to you. Made me feel second-rate.

Denied me what was mine for so long.

Dead eyes see clearly; as they move through a life that was not supposed to be theirs. A body moves through the ether; going through the motions but not believing this was to be it's fate. Dying lips smile politely, lying to everyone about how they feel because what they feel is not wanted.

You tell me.

You.
Tell.
Me.


How was it worth it?

How do you absolve this?

all these years on
I'm still looking for answers in the dust of what was.
Hoping there was still something there.
because i need something there.
Something.
Anything.


This fallen champion, This disgraced hero.
He needs a reason to continue.



he's running out of excuses.

It had been a long time since we talked. the pain was almost gone. I had done everything tokeep it out of my head. if i dwelled too much on it, i would just ruin another relationship.


I was doing rather mundane things about the house, nothing worth nothing or remembering when it hit me. You know. I should just see what she's been up to. So i looked you up.

the first thing I noticed is that You had moved to Augusta, Maine. the next thing was that you had got engaged, and gave a sappy love story of how you had come through a lot and had finally found 'the One', despite the fact you had your share of breaking and broken heart. you mentioned me in passing as one of the breaking hearts. you mentioned him as one of the ones you broke yours over.

I Don't know what I honestly felt at that point. I remember feeling contempt and rage at feeling like a stepping stone in your Journey, as it were. Anger over the helplessness of not mattering more, or at all. i'm not sure. But there was also an odd sense of relief. Finality. i knew it was over. There was nothing i could do. Right? you're So far, far away... and spoken for. what could i have done? nothing that would have mattered at this point, right? What would i have done? Make some final stand on your wedding day? would that have really worked, like in the movies? has it ever?
Right? Right?...Right....?


Then I woke up.



I've travelled so far but somehow feel the same

I Ran away. Far far away. I started working in China to make enough cash to do whatever I was going to do back in america. Figure out my next step, whatever you want to call it. and then, you and my mom came to visit me. She even brought over her van and we rode around on it.

We went out one night, just me and you. Had a decent little dinner and took a walk upon the riverside. We had a long talk about what went wrong, do we want to fix it, are we better off, et cetera.

"You should come back to the states. You're needed there. Your mom needs you. There's jobs there now. And... I need you there. " You said.

"I want to come back, but cannot do this without you. Why do you need me there?"

"Because we once had something great."

"Once."

"Yes, once. And I think, if we both work at it, it can happen again. And i crave that so much. It just hasn't been the same since. Nothing has." your eyes flit over the riverside.

"No, it hasn't."

We continued to walk along the river quietly, thinking about what has been said. We ran into one of my Exes, who was over in China as well. She got out of her Yugo, and you said under your breath "Is this going to be a problem?"

"No." I said back. "That already ran it's course." I said hi to her, how are you doing, great to see you, well gotta go. It was pleasant and (thankfully) quick.

I kissed you goodbye at the harbor, and said i will see you soon. A kiss that burned until I set foot back onto State ground.

For some reason, you were living in the far end of Missouri. And when I got there, there was a...problem. You were with a guy. or, a guy was living with you.

"It has run it's course." you said. "it's basically done, he just dosen't know it yet."

He was tall, lanky, Redneckish, Not your type(then again, I tend to think no one but me is your type). Pleasant on the surface. Was okay with me being around. On the surface.

We were going to take a shower together at your house. We got as far as your underwears before something else came up. I think the guy saw me and you in your large bathroom and for some reason, didn't have a problem with that. But, something did come up, and the shower scene was cancelled (I can't even have sex in my goddamned dreams. Awesome). You got dressed and headed into the living room. I hungout there for a while, trying to digest all of this and thinking maybe you would come back into the bathroom.

Then I did come out, and we started watching cartoons on your tv. we sat close while your whatever he was was in the kitchen. At one point, I caressed your arm, looking longingly into your eyes. I started to say "I miss you" but you cut me short.

"I can't have you doing that, yet." you said. "I got to deal with him first. he knows you have a thing for me, and it's going to cause problems. I promise, this is the last, the last time you'll have to see him." you nodded to me.

"Alright, fine. I need to get my resume ready, anyway."


Just then, the guy stormed by, glaring at me. I get up and follow him into the kitchen.

You know.."He started, Pulling a kitchen chair around, sliding it harshly into my legs to punctuate this coming threat. " Taking you outside and smashing THIS into YOU Would feel SO good right now! Give me one reason I SHOULDN'T!"

You came running into the kitchen, running up to him. "baby" you said ,Planting a kiss onto his Lips to placate him. he responded by poking you harshly in the stomach, pushing you away from him so he can face me.

"Because it will accomplish nothing." I replied ina calm, predator-at-rest tone. "you're playing a game you've already lost. Possessiveness will not earn you favor with her."

"How the FUCK do you Figure That?" he spittled back at me, your eyes darting back and forth between us.

"Because not too long ago, it didn't work for me either..."



Then I woke up.


And then you're everybody's satellite
I wish that you were mine

Lat update of the year.

I'm going to do a little something different this year.

I'd like to leave 2008 behind me, for the most part. but this i'd like to leave for you. it's the final part of a quest chain in WoW, and one of the best, in my opinion.

A'dal: *A gentle ringing fills your head as you approach the naaru*

I know why you have come.

I am pleased that you have come to me. I know of Crusader Bridenbrad, and of your travels in hope of saving him. Bridenbrad's valor has sparked remarkable selflessness in you, and this is a miracle unto itself. The light will take care of its own. I will extend my blessing to Bridenbrad and he shall not endure the corruption of undeath. I shall return you to Dalaran, and you shall return to him. Know that I remain with you.


*As you approach Crusader Bridenbrad, you cannot help but notice that his skin has taken on a pale hue and his breaths are shallow. It is clear that he has little time left.*

Bridenbrad: You have returned to me, Warrior. I must admit... it is good to see you again... your face renews my hope that this land will be free of Arthas's grasp one day soon. I'm proud to have met you...

*Bridenbrad's words trail off, a dim smile on his face. As life seems to slip from him, a gentle ringing fills your ears.*

* A'dal, along with K'uri and M'ori appears and liberates the Spirit of Bridenbrad, so that he will not be raised as a mindless servant of the Scourge. *

A'dal: Fear not, young one, for this crusader shall not taste death. In life, Bridenbrad was the bearer of great deeds. Now, in passing, he shall taste the only paradise.

The light does not abandon its champions.

This is for you.


Yes, different versions can apply to different people in my life, but it was you.... you that started it all. Savior. Destroyer.


This will not change your mind, as it never has. but that what i'm good at - fighting for lost causes., and hoping beyond hope that it will make a difference one day.

Maybe the last part of me left that still hope for the happy ending between us hopes that it will.

So.

thirty years on. Yeah.

Oh, if only i even had the will to do the "noble" thing. I would finally be rid of all this... whatever. Seems i have even been sapped of that sturdy resolve to no longer be a drain upon humanity and those that can still make a difference.


Tch. Can we, really?

Do i even want to, at this point?

I'm not so sure.

Because... honestly, what's the point?

seems like no matter what path i choose, i keep heading back down the one i've pretty much known all my life.

Even when i can Break free for a time, i still find my way down this damned path. all encompassing. enclosing. Darkness.

Maybe i'm just fighting destiny. maybe i just shouldn't care anymore. maybe i should just let go and fake a smile about it all and find some solace in...something. what. i don't know.

I keep sitting upon this throne. Glaring. Seething.

It's what i am good at.

Hate and wrath, those very negative fires some would see quelled, are the only things that have kept me alive to this point.

and even now, i have no good enemies to focus upon. losing my will to even hate.

Meaningless? maybe.

But Hate and Wrath never lied to me. unlike Love.


all either find some way to appease and placate me, or become faceless entities ones i could easily hate, but yet... it means nothing, as i never met them. know them.

I need a new disease. or a new perfect enemy. they are all that keep me going. all that keeps me rising out of my cold bed with no one there to prod me on and tell me it's okay to go out into this completely fucked beyond all hope world. day. after. day. no point in the morning, and none at evening. just more and more motonomy. like you give a fuck. cus you got yours, right?


like you would join forces with me anyway. I think everything you told me was a lie once you left. you'd sooner make me the bad guy than admit your faults and enclose it within a Tweedy quote. then use your circular logic to justify your ways.

Like you, Dear savior, would actually do what you set out to do and save me. You ran. Dress it up all you want, but you ran when you found out it was going to be a bit more work than you thought. but hey... at leats you tried, right? after all this time, you still held...something. whatever.


I think every girl in my life has lied to me, whatever the reason might be.


Better to believe that than to think of the alternative.


See? i can lie to myself, too. hey, it's not too bad. LOL NO GREENER GRASS LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.

Maybe i can get used to this. Start being a douchebag, like most Boys out there looking for a piece of ass.
So keep fucking those boys that pretend to be men and are somehow better becuase they can make cool socially revelant references, or quote obscure songs that no one who isn't cool has heard of.

Keep fucking them like they deserve and worship every inch of you. See how empty you feel at the end of it all.

Then wonder why.

Nah, i'm not bitter in the least. Not. at. all.

I have NO REASON or RIGHT to be. NONE.



Dreamt for light years in the belly of a mountain

Well, here we are. lots of spelling errors. i don't care. raw and uncompromising, as it were.

I have been trying to hold myself up and pretend that things, while not in the best place that i can hope for, have been generally okay and that i'm surviving, and making do with what i got.

they aren't. I'm not. and I'm not.

this is where the veneer of superficiality fails horribly. this is where i stop being tough for the sake of saving face happens.

i'm almost 30. i have no job, which means i have no income, which means I am behind on bills. considering thae fact that i made do with what i had up in Rockford(where i didn't have much, but i had something, and i was finally making it on my own), this is a huge blow to where i am now.
i hate where i am at. especially since i can't even afford where i am now, which is suppposed to be cheaper than what i was paying up there. I'm behind on my bills, and i'm looking at the very real fact that i'm gonna have to move back home with moms and gma. I shouldn't be too concerned with that, i know. because i'm suppose to be all 'well, if that's how it happens, that's how it goes, right?" well, sorry, i can't buy that.

I'm trying to make a stand where i'm at, and i am failing, evidenced by the fact that my bills are way the fuck behind.

Suprising to me. how i once made do with what i had, and now i seem to be drowning in everything...

what the fuck happened?

I moved for one thing, and one thing only. Everything else - it didn't matter. i would have made do with whatever may come. i craved, I needed this, so badly that i would have thown everything else away for just this one thing that i felt.

And when it, in my mind, didn't come to be, i got doubtful. i got paranoid. maybe rightly so. but i did, and it ignited a chain of events that led me back to here.

And why? because i didn't want to be alone? Probably.

Don't get me wrong. i am grateful to be back in an area where I can make a quick little trip to see all who matter to me. i can't tell you how hard it was to be completely alone up there. and i felt that way so much becuase i didn't have that up there. i was 6 hours from everything i knew, and despite her trying as much as she did, i didn't have her right there with me, telling me everything was gonna be okay and that she loved me. maybe she did try, but i'm greedy and her displays of affection weren't enough for me after all i went through and what i was used to. i was used to being together every chance we got, and had to settle for once a week, if that.

Now, I'm back down here, where i have become a faded mmeory, insignificant to those who i once mattered gratly to. i had so much down here, and i gave it up because this one person mattered more to me than breathing itself. I couldn't stand the time apart from one another. it was the worst Hell i had been through. And i suffered for it, thinking there would be some kind of great payoff at the end.

Did i not wait long enough? was i too impatient? she had to get her life back together up there, and i was an unexpected addition to it and maybe i was too pushy, too demanding, whatever. but i had changed my entire life for her. I changed because she showed me there was more to life than just plodding through mechanically and taking what may come. there was more out there than what i had here.

So i took that chance. i went out into the big bad world and made my stand. i made it as long as i had her by my side. when that failed(and i had my part in helping that along), i got scared and ran home.

and now, i can't seem to handle even the simple idea of getting by down here.

yeah, i know. even though in the whitetext(how many of you fuckers even bothered to check for secret shit back in July? really?) i tried to sound all tough and that this wasn't getting to me as much as it should, it did and more.

I even had the help of the one person i Never wanted to talk to ever again to get me through this. and now i can't even count on her. How sad and weak i have become? i can step back and see who things weren't picturesque between us and yet, i soldered on till the bitter end, and now i'm still all broken up about it. i can't keep lying and say that i'm over her.

I'm not. not in the least.

you can't be over someone and go to bed at night by yourself wishing only for that person to be there with you. listening to them breath slowly into a slumber. you can't be over someone and literally be dying for them to just call, text, or message you, despite whatever might have went wrong in the relationship.

this is gonna make me sound like a complete pussy and jeporadize any chance of moving on and having a realtionship down here with someone, but.... i miss her. Greatly, dearly. Even the bad times, where i didn't think i was being loved enough by my standards. It hurts so much that i can't see any other chances of having a relationship, even when it's staring me right in the face and begging for me to just give in and go for it becuase simply i don't want anything else because it dosen't match up to what was.

At the risk of sounding completely insane to the internet at large, i had a dream back in 03 after i came back from Trinidad and Tobago. The girl I was engaged to broke up with me at the time, and it threw me into a big time slouch. i thougt it was all fnially coming together and then this happened. it hurt so much back then(as did the real breakup that happend a short time later), that i went to bed one night just asking " If this girl isn't going to stick around, and if D is dead, then who is the right person for me? who am i going to end up with so i don't spend the rest of my life alone? Who am i going to find that is goign to be there for me? who am i going to spend the rest of my days with?"

as i slept that night, i dreamt of a girl who i did not know. someone who was not familar to me at all, but i dreamt of so many good things taking place; our first child together, many years of happiness and of places and music i never heard serving as our background.

just us. together. With a girl i ddin't even know.

When i went to her sister's last july, i snuck look a picture of Sparks at her sister's wedding.

It was her. The girl I dreamed of. If i wasn't exactly sure of the realtionship before then, i was then.

you can say that it was just me trying to reconcile who i had at the time with what my ideals were all you want, but as a person who is rather divorced from religion and voert rationalizions(as it were), you won't convince me otherwise. I had found my soulmate after so much time and bullshit. How many other dyed redheads my age do you know haven't had kids and was headstrong that would have brought themselves romantically into my life? i have little faith in anything, but i try believe in my heart and in my dreams, Because if they are lying to me.... who can i believe? Honestly? what would i have left?

and what do i have left? i let it fall apart.


So....how? How do you deal with the fact that i Parted ways wih the woman of my dreams. i let her go without a fight, and she let me go without a fight? If i mattered so much to her and her to me.... why am i back here, broke as fuck, with no job, and no hope for the future?


i'm beginnning to think i cannot handle real life. I am told constantly that i need to live for myself and not for others, but i have a hard time beliving in that. me, by myself and not anything else, is essentially worthless. i don't have that motivation to be a great person or to do wonderful things or to be whatever. i only have that when i am with someone of great importance to me. and idon't have that these days. i don't see a point to do something that benefits me and me only. maybe that's why i have a hard time selling myself at job interviews. I just don't see a point. And i don't see a point in bettering myself just so i make myself a more attractive prospect for maybe someone out there. that's not how it is or what it's about for me.

ti sounds trite and overly cliche, but i am nothing without the other.

And i cannot help but to feel like i have lost my chance at having that happy-go-lucky life with the person that mattered so much to me and i can't help to feel that it wasn't all my fault. Why didn't you fight for me? Did i really end up being like every other guy in your life? Why did you let me go? why does it feel like you got over it the moment i was no longer your Significant Other? DId you really know the hurt i've been through all these years? Am I just crazy and looking for the bad where it does not exist? Was it totally platonic? where you completely honest with me? Do(or did) you love me more than the deepest hurt i ever felt?

How do you deal with knowing that you've lost the person that mattered the most in your life?

Am i so horrible a person that I am not beyond redemption?

Am I not worth a second chance?

am I anything to you, period?

the cooling wind of Fall is here. it used to be a good time of change and promised renewal.

All i do is keep going back to the merry-go-round at the park where i snapped a shot of you in the summer, right before you left to go up there. It's where you were still mine, unquestionably. i wanted to spend last fall with you so badly because it used to be my favorite time of year.

I hate the fall now. all it reminds me is of change and how everything will die soon.

And how i couldn't adapt to it.


How can you offer me love like that?
My heart's burned
How can you offer me love like that?

If one or another just did not exist

No spellcheck and misused words, check.
Painful attempt at high metaphorics, check.
Overwrought recap of recent drama, check.

HEY I think I have an update!


I have been remiss in them, that's for sure.

Time has been less than available. feelings, raw. and situtations less than favorable.

The Long short of it is, things fell apart. I made a call, taken steps backward, and have returned to the..ahem..."loving" embrace of southern illinois.

No, i don't want to be here. i didn't want to make this decision. i wanted to stay up there. But i know odds. and they weren't in my favor. we can sit here and dress it up all we want(and i will, i'm sure) but it came down to money(too much to live up there for what i was working for) and instability(hers? mine? who the fuck knows anymore...) and my apparant inability to trust.

you would have lost yours too. So many promises over a lifetime, broken over and over and over again. You get sick of it and begin demanding impossible results that cannot be delivered, Using your own past as a bulwark in the worst way possible. frustration builds,and you become a liability instead of an assest to someone's life. an undesirable option instead of a attractive priority.

And love? you find that even love, that one last thing you believe is, can die, given the right conditions. and you always supply those conditions. you fail it before you even give it an honest chance.

So you return to what you know. You let the light drift out of your life without so much as a fight. And that other emotion slides in oh so easily. There is no hell like an old hell.


So here we are. back in a place I don't want to be, but at least needed, gorging upon that which I have known far too long, pushing all else aside selfishly and without thought and once again, set upon that dark path. one that is hard for anyone to attempt to follow.

The only path i have ever truly known.

honestly, what has changed? is this not what has been predicted and expected of me? how many times can I, if ever, really buck fate? Especially when you look it in the eye and continue to spit upon any and all options presented when you find one small thing here and there that dosen't suit what you see as the ideal? Tch. So what... What do I do? Do I try to muzzle the darkness that screams for control within me, or let go, and allow the beast to finally consume me completely? I do not know which option is more attractive at this point anymore. and honestly, i don't really care. I'm tired. I have done this to death by now. I know this track. I'm armed to the teeth. and I didn't fall or get pushed in. I jumped. Feet first, grinning, screaming at monsters to come forth and taste death becuase I no longer fear, care, or otherwise give a damn what awaits me within because it can no longer kill or take away anymore from me. what's scarier? the horror-laden darkness? or the person who throws himself willingly into it?

Fuck none of this makes any sense. too much metaphor talky. It's awesome when I confuse myself. but hey, at least i updated. i promise i'll do more soon. i'll have the time, at least. i think i have some leftover funny lying around somewhere too. just gotta dig it up and not feel like it's forced.


Cause it feels like I've been
I've been here before
You're not my savior
But I still don't go

his heart
burdened by the past
while she runs from hers
says "We both can finally be free
if only you'll be with me"

and hers just keeps lightly dreaming
while his fades to dust

Tick.Tock.Tick.Tock.Tick.Tock.Tick.Tock.Tick.Tock.Tick.Tock.Tick.Tock.
Why do I feel trapped when I should feel free?
Where is the gypsy blood in me when I need it?
I just wanna be a horse in a field.
I'm good at running wild
and pretty good at being shot.


i hope it's worth it for you. I hope it's everything you need.

No. Not entirely. I want you to hurt over it. I want to know it meant as much to you as it did to me.

And I want a MegaMan laser arm cannon while I'm wishing.


Mope mope mope? Nope nope nope.

Not you.

I get to suffer because it meant something.

You get to.... run?

Nice.


So stoic. Guess I'll unravel for the both of us then. And just keep typing and yelling at clouds so I can bleed myself to sleep for another night.

ticktockticktockticktockticktockticktockticktockticktock...

Now let's sum up with a song from youtube, since I'm just writing in shitty fragments and pretending that
it's art/meaningful/good/something/you'll see it.




I'm just another boy from texas

time's up.


You could have stopped this. why didn't you?



I cannot tell you how much i wanted this to go otherwise.


But time is not our friend these days.


I must make decisions. Ones i wanted to make otherwise, but your continued silence has forced me to make on my own. desisions i never wanted to make. You could have changed it all. and you didn't. did i really matter that little to you? can we really not exist outside of that litle realm we once lived in? Even now, i cannot believe it. It could have went otherwise. But...

things have gome terribly wrong. And i still have questions that i will probably never have answered. god, why? why after so long must i return to this? what did i do that was so wrong? i know i wasn't perfect, but i had my reasons. None of this ever had to come to be.

The plan got fucked up.

the plan. heh. the plan. we always plan but it never comes to be.


couldn't even take the time to tell me that you wouldn't be over.

I am undone. All that i hoped. all that i needed. gone. like so much ashes and dust. like all i have ever known i should be used to this by now

how easy it is for me to slip back into this mode. one i hoped never to have to come to again becuase i thought this time it would be different. so much for thinking. can't believe i thought it would be. after all i done to try.

I moved away for love.

And now....

oh.


and now.


i needed this so much. i needed to believe that it was finally going to go in my favor for once. OH SO FUCKING SAPPY YOU PUSSY ASSED FUCKTARD NOTHING EVER'S GOING TO CHANGE YOU AREN'T MEANT FOR THIS



So what?


what is there left?

Go back to everything you hate?

Reign in hell, rather than serve in heaven?

Aye.


You have no choice. fate has said so. no one cares enough to help you try otherwise. it's your fucking responsibility anyway. you fucking pussy.

imagine that. bested by a vegan faggot. oh, buster. buster, buster, buster.....


oohhh look i'm so different becuase i'm 36 fucking years old and into all kinds of cool indie shit BECAUSE I CAN'T GROW UP AND BE A FUCKING MAN. I HAVE TO HAVE A CADRE OF WOMENS TELLING ME HOW COOL I AM AND YET STILL BE SO FUCKING UNHAPPY. yeah. running home. you fucking won you four-eyed, tie-wearing, i'm so smarter than everyone else 36 GOING ON 16 FUCKHOLE.

you took everything that mattered to me away with your goddamned self-serving, Spoiled little bitch neuroses.


WHAT THE FUCK DID I EVER DO TO YOU?

you hated me and never even knew me


So fucking unhappy with yourself you gotta wreck other's lives?

I hold you indirectly responsible for this failure,

I have my faults, no doubt. YOU sure as fucking shit didn't make it any easier. why, seriously? WHAT THE FUCK DID I EVER DO TO YOU?

if you were a real friend, you would have never been like this, making it harder for your "friend". tell me, don't you still have a thing for her? that's the only thing i can come up with that would explain you acting the way you have... yelling at her for me contacting you when you could have easily said no i don't feel comfortable doing that....Getting into an arguement on thanksgiving over the fact that i was moving up here becuase you thought i would be taking her away from you. if you wuld have got to know me you would have seen i wouldn't have done that in any sort of lifetime. ever.

you'll never see this probably, becuase you're the type that would pull that kind of faggotry. as you already have.

God. you really lose out to a some real winners, yea? what makes you think you are worth it? such a whiny pussy can't even take care of yourself. gotta run home, lick your wounds and seethe.



i hate you....i hate you all





I'm gonna fill myself up with so much hatred

and so much rage

no one will ever get in again

no one




As for you.

Southern illinois.

oh. you... such a special place in my fucked up blacked out heart.

you tried to kill me slowly. twenty-plus fucking years you tried with all your fucked up status quo ways. Me and my family.

and you couldn't. we kept on. i held out. I FUCKING SURVIVED YOU PIECES OF SHIT. I'M STILL FUCKING HERE, ASSHOLES. I'M STILL HERE.

Most are all too willing to go out on thier knees, begging.

not me.



my time up here has changed me vastly.

they tried to kill me too, you know... with thier own brand of poison. much stronger. much more potent than you culd ever imagine.

They failed. Just like you did. you and your "oh we're so genteel but really we're just as wicked as anyone else but we're more sly about it" bullshit. I'm calling you the fuck out.


I'm coming back. soon.

So prepare, southern illinois, prepare. Your bastard son is returning, knowing the true meaning of being a Destroyer. and he has grown intolerant of your good 'ol boy faggotry.


I am born again in the fires of vengeance.

Hated.

Retribution.

you're gonna kill me standing on my own two feet, kicking and screaming.

Nothing is set in stone
there is still time
but you will
have to
fight.

Please
for once
don't stand still
and let this pass
If i do matter to you




Challenge. Fate.



You are not wasted time

No matter how much you think it's the right and only thing to do, This isn't the answer.

It dosen't have to be this way and you know it.

Hmm. Seems I wrote myself out last update. Now all I have is just some broken thoughts rattling around in my head that i need out for the sake of writing something.

Things are, shall we say, a little hazy. hypocritial, maybe. unsure.

I feel differing sides all around me, trying to goad me into things I have no desire for.

I feel useless to those that matter to me.

And there's the matter of the unseen. Those who do not know me, or know very little. Do they even want to know me? Am i being kept away for a reason?

I struggle to make it, just like you do.

I can bleed. Just like you can.

I have a history, Like all others. Mine Winds down some nasty corridors. Ones I hope you have never had or have to walk. But it is mine, and it is my baseline for what i do in the current. It also is out to get me sometimes, too. Starring as that little voice in my head that tells me no matter what, it's all going to be a washout and that all will come apart in the film endlessly running in my head. "When will it stop," it chides, "Being seen as poor luck, and start being seen as fate?"

As soon as I'm dead.

I am trying to understand it all. I am trying to believe.

My tolerance grows dangerously thin for a lot of things, and we are coming to a fork in the path And we will have to choose.

The Path is up to you.

Or maybe I got it all wrong, and all I can see is conflict where there is none. Assure me, then. Because again, My history tells me otherwise. it's telling me to prepare.

Tell me I'm wrong.

Show me I'm wrong.


Can you heal what father's done?
Or fix this hole in a mother's son?
Can you heal the broken worlds within?
Can you strip away so we may start again?

A bunch of reasons, an excerpt from something I sent you, a couple of quotes, and a picture.

Why i love you


1 Your loyalty to me and everyone or everything that matters to you

2 Your selflessness when it has come to dealing with me

3 Your Patience. god you have been so patient when it comes to dealing with my hang ups

4 Your eyes that I can get lost in

5 Your confidence, strength, and integrity

6 Your hair

7 How you have been 100% honest, even when it hurt

8 Your kindness

9 The way you always try to help others

10 How you stand up for what you believe in

11 Your generosity

12 The fact you said "it" first

13 How you inspired me to see my life could be so much more

14 Your optimism, you always look for and find the positive in everything

15 The way you always encourage and believe in me

16 The fact that you know exactly where you are going in life and will do whatever it takes to get there

17 Your courage even in the face of adversity

18 Your boldness and independence

19 Your faithfulness and sense of honor

20 Your gentleness with me

21 How you are always understanding with me even though I sometimes don't deserve it

22 How much you and I share in common, as well as the things we differ on

23 The little things you do that you think I may not notice, but do

24 How you sometimes give up things you've wanted just for my benefit

25 Your taste in music, especially our shared tastes and the stuff you have introduced me to

26 How you always can make me laugh or smile even at times when I don't want to

27 Your zaniness and love of life

28 The fact that you know when to act like an adult and when to act like a kid

29 How you are always kind to animals

30 The fact that you aren't afraid to cry

31 How you try to help me

32 The way you hold me

33 The way you brighten up a room to me just by being there

34 How much you've taught me about life and myself

35 Your intelligence

36 Your zest for life

37 Your excellent people skills

38 Your soft spoken voice that says so much to me

39 Your craziness

40 The love you show me

41 How awesome you have been to my mom and gma

42 The fact you love pancakes

43 Your uniqueness - there is nobody else in the world like you and nobody will ever come close

44 Your leet Tony Hawk skills

45 The amazing new experiences that I've shared for the first time with you and only you

46 The way you make me feel about myself, even when my brain is out to get me

47 How you always tell me and show me often how much you love me

48 How you don't mind holding my hand or showing me affection

49 The way you kiss me and touch me and how I can never get enough of it

50 The fact that you were willing to take a chance on me

51 The thoughtful gifts you've given to me

52 The heart-touching txts and pictures you've sent for me

53 The way you've opened up your heart and life to me

54 The fact that I learn new things about you everyday

55 The way you look at me that makes me melt inside

56 How you always try to bring out the best in me

57 How you never take life for granted

58 The way you always inspire me

59 The fact that you are as much of a dreamer as me

60 The fact that i feel you are my true soulmate and how i have honestly never felt that ever in my life

61 The way that you know how to not take life too seriously and live for the moment

62 How forgiving you are

63 Your incredibly big heart

64 How you always know what to say and how to say it in any situation

65 The way you always seem to be able to read my mind

66 Your extreme patience with me even when I push it to the limit sometimes

67 Your wit and wisdom

68 How you always comfort me or give me a shoulder to cry on when I need it

69 How I know you'll always be here for me through good times and bad no matter what

70 The fact that I know you are 'the one' for me

71 Your uniqueness - there is nobody else in the world like you and nobody will ever come close

72 How beautiful you are, even when you don't think you are

73 Your determination and conviction and how once you set your mind on something that nobody can change it

74 Your incredible dreams and visions for our future that will come true

75 How much you know about me now and that you've seen both my good sides and bad and that you still love me anyway

76 How much excitement you bring into my life everyday - you're not afraid to take risks

77 The Potential you see in me - Especially when I can't see it myself

78 The fact that now I know what love is, that you are the person who I have wanted to love all my life, and the first person who has ever truly loved me.


---

Love, true love, is the only thing I can put any measure of faith in. The ability to have that intimate, intense passion for another person is so crucial if this world is ever going continue thriving because in the end, It is the only true reason to live. Love is the difference between a sated and a unfufilled life. I have thirsted for what you can provide me for so long. With the taste of you on my tongue, especially after such a long drought, I cannot help but want to drink you deep. Even as love makes desperate fools of us all, it is not desperation or foolishness I will claim that leads me here.

No, not desperation at all. It is desire. Desire to keep the searing flame of love alight that rages within me that you set ablaze. I ache to quench your thirsts, fuel your fires, satisfy your every want as you do mine. desire to feel a total completeness with you. I hunger to draw out from within that smile, your soft laugh, the playful glint as your eyes meet with mine, holding within you secrets. It is with unwavering, raw, and charged emotion that drives me to want to see another day start and end, with you, every day.

I can neither sway the seasons, nor turn back the tide, I cannot stop the spin of our world on its axis or ask time to stand still. I cannot Write a song, paint, take a picture, or even voice the right string of words when I am with you sometimes. But I can, and I will, here, in this place, say as loudly as my keyboard will allow: That I have, can, will, and do completley Love you, as deeply as one can love another.



---

"I have been astonished that Men could die Martyrs for religion. I have shuddered at it. I shudder no more. I could be martyred for my Religion. Love is my religion. I could die for that. I could die for you. My Creed is Love and you are its only tenet. [...]I cannot breathe without you."

- John Keats



"Love is a sweet tyrant
because the lover endures the torments willingly."
-Niphas






Happy Valentine's day, Robin. I Hope that you see this.


Michael




Let's unite tonight
We shouldn't fight
Embrace you tight
Let's unite tonight

I can't stop listening to Vespertine right now. And that Band of Horses song. The one i want to be so bad.

You are needed so bad. I can't tell you that enough.

I can't even really write much more right now.

I just keep breaking down.

Just keep breaking down.

Keep breaking.

Breaking.

So, a song. One of "mine", so to speak. Maybe not as beautiful as yours, but I am not beautiful either in so many ways. so it fits me, in so many ways.





Please believe me.

On my own i'm human
And i do faults

You see them in everything. It's like you look for them. Meaning. Hoping to find a method to the madess. Always trying to find the conspiracy that isn't there, because you need to be able to explain it to yourself. You have to have that reason. Things just can't be. X matches with Y. Y matches with Z. Z matches with W, which matches with X. Over and over again, coincidence dosen't seem to exist in your vocabulary anymore.

Why do you do it? Because of what can happen? Hate to tell you this, buddy. You can't stop it if it does, anyway, so stop preparing already. You only make things worse in the long term, and you agonize in the short term. And I am so goddamned tired of you agonizing. 'Well what about this? dosen't this mean anything? and that! that's gotta mean something! what is it?' Fuck, enough already. And you wonder what your problem is. You yourself say we only got one chance at this whole game, and yet you continue to worry about the bigger implications. mole hills or mountains, pal. Decide. You can't have it both ways.

Maybe you're the one who wants to run. Scared of the unknown absolutes that no matter how hard you try, you just can't make sense. So easy to give in and put yourself in this kind of circumstances because you fear the alternative. oh, not scared? Just tired of it? Hmm. aren't we all? And just what have you done that you so rightly deserve such rewards? OH, you've survived. Well let me get you a fucking medal.

Fuck it. you aren't even listening to me. Go sob some more. That'll really help out.

Maybe you are finally going crazy.
At least you'd have an explanation.

And it runs deeper than you dare to dream it could be

I'm always trying to figure it out. How do you feel true love, when you have said you felt it before? This is always bothering me. I don't doubt what I feel now; in fact, it scares me because it is so alien, so different than in the past. But how do you do service to both the current, without completely disowning what once was? It's not about pining the past, given what I have now, it dosen't even compare. But it's about what I felt back then... If this is what I call true, when what and why did I feel something else back then? why does it feel like i am doing a disservice to myself for calling the old feelings false compared to the now?

This, in the now, it's hard to cope with sometimes because it's a sensation I really feel like i've never dealt with. and i'm always worrying about some impending loss, to the point that it becomes too much for the other to deal with. I dream up these nightmare scenarios where i end up on the losing end again becuase other nightmare scenarios have happened before and I can't go through it again.

I know there's some out there that will go "Pfft. Amateur. You got plenty of time", but fuck you. You don't get to where I am by falling so easily. I gaurded myself well. But why? Why was I always so closed off to the idea of not getting into a relationship unless it was going to go somewhere? Again, another thing that bothers me and I don't know if there's some secret craving where I get into something right when I get my defenses built up or what.

I can't discount the past, but at the same time, I can't use it as a basis of what I felt because this is vastly different than in the before. So the summation of what I know is right out the window. But the fear remains. The fear of something going horribly wrong, or the fear of feelings being too raw and uncontrollable that it ends up destroying everything. is that even possible? To love someone so much that it can tear everything apart? Why do I have to make this so complicated for myself?

It's times like this I just want to lay in bed for a day or two, and get my shit sorted out so I don't fuck up the good with my perceived threats.

It's not like before.
This is different.

I have to keep telling myself that.


Swimming the same deep water as you is hard

Touch Me
Fingers drawing lines
On forgotten flesh
Lips passing electric emotions
Between each other
Hands lock
Security is..
Remind me
That i'm still human
This is going to be
And
That Everything's fine
Heal me
So much over so much
Time
Pulling jagged shards
out
that I jammed in
myself
and bleed
Hurting
just for a little bit
so all may scar over
and I can begin
Learning this feeling
all over again
After so long
Relearn everything i know
about love
and joy
and you
Will have your
Self
presence
and I'll Have my
Completion
But for now
Touch me
Crave me
Need me.

Remind me
That I'm not a monster.


And i do faults

I finally sold out to Myspace. Add away if you are on it and can find me. God damnit.


Last update of the year.

Man. What a fucking rollercoaster. These year end Wrap ups used to be depressing due to sentimentality of certain events during this time of year. I didn't even do one last year because i was rather elbow deep in stag with Brandocrap and Mickapotamus in Springfield. And that was actually a good thing. got me out instead of brooding over stuff i couldn't change. anyway.

Now, things being the way they are, i am here, by myself for tonight. Not heading out because the last thing i want to do is get trashed and drive home in relatively unknown settings in hazardous weather(Wind and snow advisories tonight, lovely). Also, it's money i don't need to be spending at the moment. Sparks isn't available either at the moment, So i gotta make do with what i got.

Brooding away, let me recap:

Back to everything.... - Took up an old job. Did what i had to do. thankful for the get back on your feet opportunity, yet i was back to square one. felt like ntohing was going to ever change.

Slipping further - Gma effectively goes blind. While Still the deadliest intergalactic force on earth, I get a very harsh reality check, not helped by-

Backslider - Had my hopes built up, then crushed. flipped the fuck out. Cursed everything. Hated everyone, everything. Tired of it all. This was going to be my lot, until...


I was wrong, this changes everything - A Spark of flame flickering in the dark, I follow, going far off the path I had known. Holy hell, what the hell is going on here? I think i feel things again. I don't feel like a monster. I think this can be something grand.


Tied Knots - Tim and Rach, Jeremy and Michelle, Jason and Terez, probably forgetting others. Congrats to each and every one of you. even the ones i'm forgetting. i'm an asshole.

Hatchets - Words of war stopped with a bunch of people. not even going to start listing them. Guess i grew up a little bit.

The Reunion - Saw a bunch of people. got drunk. Talked to other people when it was more one on one. Good times i think.

Not for long - Plunged into the long night, Stay the beast within. Follow the trail. Dawn is near.

Fuck it. Too much wordy melodramtic bullshit. Can't keep going on in crazy half-assed metaphors. Moved away, glad I did, things are not perfect but it's getting there.

In summary, It was the year of really fucking weird paradoxes. Started out horrible, turned out way better than I can imagine. I can't ask for much more, nor would I change how the hand played out because as far as I'm concerned, I'm holding aces.

Time to celebrate.


Only you
Can calm me down

This is the update where I offically basically tell you all what is going down.

I'm moving. After 15 years of trying to find my place here in Southern Illinois, I'm done.

My last day at my current place of employment is nov. 24th. after that, I'm packing up and moving onto... something.

So, as tradition would have it, I must have a going away party. thankfully, I'm going to hold it during thanksfornothinggiving weekend, in the hopes that everyone who is or can be home, will be.

so, here's the dox.


Livingdead's going away/Roast/Birthday/Help me drink the rest of my beer because I can't take it with me party!


When: Saturday, Nov 24

Time: 7:00 p.m. CST. earlier if you help drink all my beer.

Where: Christopher IL. If you decide to help with the beer, it starts earlier at my place. Otherwise, I(we, hopefully) will be at 1 of 4 bars located in town. Your best bet is the S&S, followed by T Street, followed by KC hall, and if i get talked into it, PD's place. can anyone say PUB CRAWL WOOT WOOT?

Who is invited: If you read this, you're probably invited. Like I can kick you out of a public place, but you get the jist of it.

Anwyay, I would love it if you could plan a stop-by or a hang out or something. I would mean a lot to me. Yes, Even you.

If you need additional info, please drop me an email. I'll try to explain as much as I can.


hope to see you there.

This is the beginning of the end

It's official. I am now past the point of no return. Throwing the brakes now, even if I wanted to, would do more damage than going forward into the great unknown. I have so much to do. I have so much to plan for. So many contingency plans to make, revise, get wrecked, toss away, and hope for the best and prepare for the worst. I am not afraid of leaving. I'm flying almost totally blind right now. that scares the hell out of me. It's all coming at once. the car. the apartment situtation. the looking for a job. finishing packing. amassing money. Hopes, dreams, the threat of absolute failure riding upon already burdened shoulders.

I just want it to work. I don't care how. I just want it to work and everything be okay and make it. So tired of stagnating, waiting, existing. I want to be more. I want to take a good thing and make it better. I want. I need.


45 days. in some ways, an eternity. in others, too soon.

Nothing left here. Nothing but to close my eyes, take the plunge and hope the bitch called chance casts a favorable chance on me just one more time.


Oh up down turn around
Please don't let me hit the ground

Seek me
Call me
I'll be waiting

Seek me
Call me
I'll be waiting

This distance
This dissolution
I cling to memories
While falling
Sleep brings release
And the hope of a new day
Waking the misery
Of being without you

Surrender
I give in
Another moment
Is another eternity

Seek me
For comfort
Call me
For solace
I'll be waiting here
For the end of my broken heart

You know me
You know me all too well
My only desire
To bridge our division
In sorrow
I speak your name
And my voice mirrors
Mirrors my torment

Seek me
For comfort
Call me
For solace
I'll be waiting here
For the end of my broken heart

Seek me
Completion
Call me
I'll be waiting
I'll be waiting here
For the end of my broken heart


For comfort
For solace

Seek me
For comfort
Call me
For solace
I'll be waiting
For the end of my broken heart

I'll be waiting...


Killswitch Engage-The End of Heartache

I'm working on a real update, but when I came home and jumped online, I saw the news that turned a ho-hum day into a shitty day. And it isn't right to just sit by and not have my own way of expressing my sorrow for the passing of who I consider a great man of several generations.

Whenever I got up too early for cartoons on saturday morning, or when G.I. Joe and He-Man wasn't on, I always ended up flipping over to the Nick channel to see if there was any cool experiments I could try. Granted, Gma or Mom would invariably yell at me for making a mess and that I shouldn't be playing around with baking soda and vinegar because I could get the vapors, or I'm wasting a banana by cutting it up inside it's skin and there are starving kids in China who wouldn't dream of wasting thier food, but that's how it goes when you're a kid: You do cool shit and learn stuff while your parents yell at you for doing it because you're a kid and obviously up to no good. This man planted the seed, we just copied his actions, and we didn't need a damn disclaimer to tell us that we could get hurt because we were hardcore like that, thank you very much.

Anyway, pour a 40 for the man who taught you science better than your junior high teacher ever could.






May all your days be gold

Here is a some random shit i have been mulling over the past week, but haven't posted because i'm an asshole.


I kicked Brandocrap's ass 30 different ways in Wii-Play friday night. I absolutely murdered him in Laser Hockey and Shooting range. if me and brandocrap were inmates, and Wii-play was the prison, i'd totally be top dog right now. Don't even bother to listen to his half-ass excuse of how he was the one who owned me. My Gma was there. she saw it. The Only people who ever called my Gma a fibber died instantly when she gave her own version of the Medusa gaze.

then we played Taito Legends on my PS2 saturday. which I had fun, but someone was still pissed about losing and kept Shooting hostages in Space gun so we never got anywhere. the rest of the games were meh. I do want to go back and play Ninja Kids again though. that game has more laugh-a-minute appeal than anything i can remember in recent history.






Strength. For when I may not have it.

this dark path I have walked, I no longer fear. Some still do. some think this is not my calling. I know Now this is my path. this is what i was born, bred, and willing to die for. I no longer fear what lays in the darkness for me, for the darkness I no longer fear. My demons, my imperfections have become my weapons.

I will no longer be subdued, controlled, or kowtowed by what I think holds me back.

The darkness now fears me. as it should.

As it should always have been.




And here is what i am posting tongiht, as in stuff that has happened currenttly for me(i.e. Stuff that is actually interesting to read)


An actual conversation at Cotton's tonight that took place. I went because i was assured that two people that i knew were going to be there. also, i'm a people watcher and love to see drama. it's like my own free soap opera:

"hey babay, you look pretty sexy in that tie."

"thanks. it's what I wear to work."

"oh my, you must work a pretty nice job."

"no, i sling liquor, but I like to look nice for the customers."

"you don't even rememer who I am, do you?"

"i have no idea who tyhe hell you are. . I have one of those faces anyway, and I would swear that i've never seen you before tonight."

pause. contemplating.

"do you have any kids?"

"nope. made it this far without any, don't plan on having any yet. Do you?"

"yeah, I got one."

"cool. being a mother is a very positive thing i hear.

"want to be a daddy?"

"uh, what? Sorry, i'm H.O.H."

"what?"

I'm hard of hearing. what did you say?"

"I said.... Do you want to be a daddy?"

"uhm, No, not really. not that i wouldn't mind practicing, but I'm already locked up at the moment, sorry."

"what?"

"I said I am Dating someone. I don't think she would like it very much if i went and practiced without her knowing. or withour her, even. "

"OH, well i'll catch you later then."

"you do that. I'm going to keep drinking my Stag."


hmm. Guess you'll have to see what i mean by that.

that is, if you even give a damn as to what I mean.




I've been gone so long
so gone so long

Work is work.
I nearly renounced my Atheism on account of a customer who just wouldn't leave.
I really have to try to like people sometimes.
Love life sucks, still and seemingly forever.
My Walls have been rebuilt.
Spent 5000 fake dollars gambling in my fake life.
I lost 20 bucks of my very real money.
That was a bad idea.
I wanted to do an April Fool's Update.
I didn't have time.
Next Year, flag semaphore.
Maybe.
Brandocrap would shove Jesus for A chance with Kari Byron.
I would murder all of you if I had the same chance.
Or even for a passable look-a-like.
I'm Morally Questionable.
I don't mind that so much anymore.
My Throskie is only a 63 :( and wears outdated gear.
Year Zero is absoludicriously fucking awesome.
You knew I would say that.
Alanis Morissete does My Humps.
you've probably Seen it.
Tori Amos does Raining Blood.
You should hear the Classic first.
I'm a future 419 Scam victim.
I could go on and on.
Getting the fuck outta here on a one day trip.
All work and no play something something something.



Here, I Haven't done one of these in nearly forever. Enjoy.

Read/Watch/Listen/Play:

Promise of the Witch-King; R.A. Salvatore.
300; Gerard Butler, Rodrigo Santoro, Vincent Regan.
Collected; Massive Attack.
God of War 2; Sony Computer Entertainment of America.




Nothing's right if you ain't here
I'd give all that i have just to keep you near

Ohh
Can't anybody see?
We've got a war to fight
Never found our way
Regardless of what they say

How can it feel this wrong?
From this moment
How can it feel this wrong?

Storm.. in the morning light
I feel
No more can I say
Frozen to myself

I got nobody on my side
And surely that ain't right

Surely that ain't right

Ohh
Can't anybody see?
We've got a war to fight
We've Never found our way
Regardless
Of what they say

How can it feel
This wrong?
From this moment
How can it feel
This wrong?

How can it feel, this wrong?
This moment
How can it feel, this wrong?

Ohh
Can't anybody see
We've got a war to fight
I've never found our way
Regardless of what they say

How can it feel
This wrong?
From this moment
How can it feel
This wrong?


Portishead - Roads

Not a lot of sense to be made in this post. empty sounds of hate, i suppose.


This is what it has come to. Emotions, Moderatedly-Priced beer and rancid wine has brought me to this level.


I done what i can to heal. I have bled, lost, and worn the scars i have brought upon myself. AS one of my favorite games WHICH YOU MOTHERFUCKERS WHO PLAY GAMES SHOULD CHECK OUT has said "Endure. in enduring, grow strong."

I have grown tired of such endeavors.


I have bled till my veins run dry and it mattered not. I have and am enduring all that has been thrown my way. I have loved, lost(by my own accord), and tried to make sense of what is supposed to come next, and been told that "this too shall pass". Frankly, I am tired of being told to wait till when it is my time to come back again. Constanhtly i am reminded of when i will have my day and never seeing even a glimpse of such promised light. I endure. and i wait. I wait with such baited breath for some sense to make of it all. I hope beyond hope that it will make sense in the end. But as i am only human, i have run out of patience.

I have tried to believe that someone, no matter how horrible and worthless they are, is worth a second chance to another. I can't belive it anymore. I can only believe, much like the lifetime convict, How ironic or ironicly fitting that i sti;; be held accountable for what i have done in the past.


This whole situtation is fucking ironic and ties into the past that still ahunts me so much. it seems sometimes that i am the nonly one that thinks of what has passed to influence tha present. is that so wrong? IS it really such a crime to remember what you have done influence what you do now? Maybe most wouldsay that such things do not matter, but it does to me. I can't seem to escape it, even if i wished to bury it under a ton of dirt.

I opened myself up so such things, and have no one to blame for it but myself. and still it hurts. Yo uspend so much time sealing yourslef off to the rest of the world after failing so horribly. You activley tell other that would offer you comfort in the hurricane that you are in that you aren't right for them, you begin to lose even the slightest sympathy or joy for anyone else.

I opened up for someone a while ago and i have been scorned for another. appearantly for someone who isn't as emotionally damaged or is prettier or is some kind of status booster or is just plain cooler than i am. I still appearantly am still paying for mistakes i made so long ago. how much more do i have to bleed for what i have done Wrong? i feel like i am paying twice over for what i've done once.

Is this dark path all i was bred for?
Is this all there is?
is this what I am supposed to be?

these, and othger questions can only be answered By those who I am the most reluctant to ask. It means swallowing all pride and Going back to what seems to be the source of all of this. It means2 delving into feelings i have done my goddamndest to bury inside of me.

I means going back to the light, and all that i hate. Going back to that specific crux that so much hung on. That part that hurts in so many ways still to this day.


and no, it is isn't God, Jesus, or the holy spirit or whatever invisible sky wizard you want to invoke.


and a preemptive fuck you for even suggesting or thinking i should turn to religion for my answers.



Now i wake to find
There's nothing left of me and her
Nothing more
Than a heart still at war

Generally, I love writing about Grandma. And from the general opinion I get from people who read, I get the idea you like to read about her and the miscellanious antics that happen in what we call day to day life. I could probably devote an entire website that dealt solely with the crazy adventures and derring-do's that I know about that would have you either in stitches or awe, whichever may be your fancy.

This story, however, isn't very easy to write. I write it for those of you who either know her personally, and for those of you who have come to know her from the tidbit of antics I've wrote about her on here.

To start off, Gma isn't using a walker anymore. She is set to a wheelchair due to pain in one of her legs from a skin ulcer. It's been there for a while, three doctors have seen it and all have given three different opinions of what it is and what to do with it, which at this point has been only sucessful in pissing off the House of Dame since no one can seem to give a straight answer as to what the hell it is. Up to about a month ago, she used her walker because she's a stubborn old Bitch(now you know where mine comes from) who isn't going to be robbed of her freedom to walk around. After finally falling enough times due to her leg being in pain, we got her to start using the wheelchair instead by basically saying "Walking around isn't helping your leg at all, and your balance is suffering because of it." Being in the wheelchair was just going to be temporary until her leg healed up better.


Last friday night, Gma was watching TV, when she called for Moms to come into the living room, because "the Goddamned TV went Blank". Mom goes in there, and the TV was still on. Then She described that it looked like she was seeing "bright stars on a clear moonless night" out of her left eye, which was her good eye(Her right one has a detached retnia, so she can only see shadows and blurred vision at the edge of sight). Hearing someone describe what is essentially the last sight they'll ever see with good eyes is an experience I'm not eager to ever repeat again. Fast forward to today, when we finally got to see an eye doctor, who basically says that her sight in the left eye is gone and it's possibly due to a blockage in one of her arteries. even if the blockage is removed, the sight is still gone, She's legally blind.

That Part is really hard to accept. To me, it means that there's little to no chance she's going to be getting out of that wheelchair. She's never going to be able to stubbornly refuse help in doing mundane tasks that she insists on doing. it's uncomforting to know that hwile her eyes look right at me when she's speaking or looking at me, all she's seeing is shadows and blur. I can't wrap my head around that and it bothers me to think that this woman, who to me, is the genesis of our side of the family's Rebellion Streak, is now reduced in her capabilities. it dosen't seem possible. And that part is my fault for suspending my belief by thinking that she will bounce back from this like she always does. I mean come on, she's Gma. She's going to live to 11560 and then the only reason she's gonna give up the ghost then is because she's tired of fighting crime and kicking the shit out of the Grim Reaps on a monthy basis. Because she's stubborn, and that's what she does.

I have a bad tendancy to hold onto things until the very bitter end, thinking that something or somehow things will reverse course and go back to how it was. I don't know why I keep doing it as it has never happened, Especially when I really needed it to happen, which only leads to even even greater heartache. It's hard for me to fathom that I should be preparing for what truly is the inevitable end, and that now is the time I need to hold on to as it's going to happen a little sooner then ten thousand years from now.

Sorry for the tone of this post. But I needed a bit of catharsis and I thought some of you might want to know what's going on with Gma.



Vanishing like a cyan soleil

I just realized it's been three years since I starting doing this.

How much have things changed.

I don't have much interesting to say. or at least, nothing you haven't heard before.


So I'm going to be lazy and do this. Maybe something funny or happy after I get back from Tman and Sarah's Wedding.


No more gold lights
For the queen earth
To keep you warm
In your kingdoms
High on the waves you make for us
But not since you left have the waves come
The bar is dead
And the rocket's rain is keeping you wet
In your deathbed

So high on the waves you made for us
And not since you left have the waves come

High on the waves you made for us
Not since you left have the waves come
Have the waves come
Have the waves come.



Deftones - Anniversary Of An Uninsteresting Event

Guilty party and Linkage added.

Yeah, bang up job on my end of retelling the super west cost death trip, I know. Brandocrap told it better than I ever could. We'll let it stand at that. My tale remains unfinished for now. I'm good at that. Leaving things unfinished. That, and not realizing when the end has come. oh, that "other news" I alluded to some time ago-you can just nevermind that.

I've been distracted with other things in my head and in real life lately, so not much else to say right now.

Sorry for the lack of updates. Too much shit to think about and no stories worth putting up.

I hate this time of the year.



Not only do i not know the answer
I don't even know what the question is

This is where I'm supposed to say it's gone for good. things will never be the way they were, and I am happy for her, and that I am just better for the experience.

And this is where supposed to say that I failed and I'm going home. that I've lost the war, that I'm gonna man up, find a better one, and move on.

And this is where I'm supposed to say that it wasn't real anyway, that everything was a lie, and that it didn't and dosen't matter anymore.

And that's where the lie just falls apart.



I need to lose to make it right
I’ll confront the stars tonight

Last update of the year.


Nobody really came to this to see the good things, so lets get them out of the way first.

Love Blooms - lots of friends becoming committed to thier respective halves this year, engagements, marriage, and anniversaries prosper. Above all the gloom, I’m glad for every one of them.

Friendships Revived - Seeing Cliff, Dawn, and Noelle Back in June after missing them last year. The ressurection of the Joplin Gathering, and seeing a large contingent of friends that I haven’t seen in a long time, and meeting new ones as well that I hope to see again next year.

Wander Lust - While in Ohio, going to Evans City, Pennsylvania, Where it all started. Then in October, the West Coast Super Death Trip with Brandocrap, which was more or less a condensed version of "The Tour of the Dead". Eleven states got their faces rocked in nine days, With California Getting the brunt of the attack.

Zigga, Please - A lot of Zombie Movies(some good, some horrible) released this year, Not to mention the return of the great one, George A Romero.

Noise God - With Teeth Released, then the NIN Concert @ St. Louis In October.

Au Graits - Compy gets Upgraded, thanks to castoffs from Cracka Jack and Brandocrap, and a Backlog of Computer games to play, NOtable ones being Warcraft 3, Half-Life 2, Civilization 3, Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic, and the ever-succulent Neverwinter Nights.


But What should be the greatest day of days, isn’t. Last year, I was sad because I wasn’t with the one I loved. This year, I am bitter. I had my chance earlier this year. Somehow, I blew it yet again. From what I understand, I was too pushy about getting back to where we were. Then, I was Betrayed. I listened to advice that wasn’t In my best interests. I poured myself out to the very person who now has a detailed roadmap of my mistakes.

It seems I am fit only to stand in your shadow. In love, in life, and in work. Do you see why I am bitter yet? Do you understand? I’m supposed to be okay with this, even congratulate you for doing what I appearantly could not. Grin, bear it, and wish you two well. You seem to be doing fine without them. Perfect, even.

I guess it was all a pipe dream anyway. I have grown too old, jaded, and ugly to make it work. So these are the words of the wrong, and the wronged. A testimony of the walking wounded. the ones who love, Who lose, who lament.

Nothing else to say, I guess. Nothing that matters.



Always.





And Never.


broken bruised forgotten sore
too fucked up to care anymore
poisoned to my rotten core
too fucked up to care anymore

Blah. lots of shit on my mind this weekend. It wasn't boring by any means, Shooting the shit with Brandocrap friday, and the both of us heading out to Pinch for a friend of mine's b-day Saturday after work(work sucked, People suck, but what else is new in that area) and some BG:DA 2 action earlier tonight.

I think, for the most part, I'm done with Pinch. I got to find a new "cool" bar i can go to. The local bars suck(except when the kids come home) anymore and have too many ghosts anyway, and drinking alone at home is taboo.

I'm feeling the threat of further obsolescence looming over me. And i'm trying to come up with a plan and figure out my role in the grand scheme of things. it isn't going very well. the old plan Was good. It gave meaning with a goal that was genuine. Now, with The purpose lost, i'm flying blind trying to hash out what the fuck i'm supposed to be doing with my life. Anytime i think about this, i just drum up more things i shouldn't feel anymore, but do. Then it becomes the unattainable Goal, the Purpose not for me, the Meaning that i'm no longer a part of.

So what do i do? I sink myself into a self-induced purgatory while i try to figure out what the hell i'm supposed to do now. most people would call this "getting back to your roots", which isn't always a bad thing, except i'm getting a little too old to play video games and "be cool" and eek out an existance while i hash out my next move. My friends are moving ahead full steam in the game, and i'm still derailed.

well, fuck. This isn't really what I wanted to write. so I'm stopping now.



mdame



Can you heal what father's done?
Or fix this hole in a mother's son?
Can you heal the broken worlds within?
Can you strip it away so we may start again?

Ah. Labor day.

Ironically, I worked. Imagine that.

went to the fair afterwards for the last night. Got there about an hour and a half before sundown. enough time to take in the last gorge from the cornucopia of fair food and watch the sunset set against the soundtrack of a trashcan percussion band.

I Walked in a detached state amongst the fading swell of people. drinking in the sights of dreams realized, the fruitition of Love, and the breaking down of the carnies hawking thier wares one last desperate time before packing up and heading to parts unknown. Through the Midway, watching all those who gathered here for this last great release of energy before the Dream Shattered by the realites of tomorrow. And all those sad, sappy songs played throughout the causeways, and there, the first cool breath of night touched upon my skin.

I took a Photograph with a three year old Bengal cub named Molly after watching her older, caged Majestic Brethren for what seemed forever, as it was one of the last remaining non-food attractions open that garnered any appeal. Then, back out into the walkways, where there was a scatting of souls, all meandering this way and that.

To the car, where I sat for a while as fireworks began going off, the dull thump as cascading colors lit up the sky in a last act of defiance. Then, the colors faded, and the Rattle stopped, only the already dimming gaudy blare from the midway remaining. something in the wind sighed, and absconded.

The Death of another summer.


mdame


I want to take a breath that's true

ahhh. well well well..... welcome back, little child.

I trust you have not learned your lesson yet? How long must this charade of free will go on? You hide your true glorious form becuase you're so scared of making the commitment to me. Give in, and we shall reign again. . you are worth so much more, and yet you stil waste yourself pining away for what's lost and hating the Judas. let it go, and rise to your former glory. make them FEAR you again. Show these apes what you really are capable of. who the fuck would want to come back to you anyway, you fat piece of shit? You're nuts. they all whisper it behind your back. You don't hear it, but I do. it is time, My son. give in. You're fighting a war on three sides that everyone else stopped caring about LONG AGO. you're the only one who hasn't seen the fact that YOU'VE LOST. GIVE UP. GIVE IN.

You have to stop depending on chemicals if i am to be able to do anything with you. and from Now on, you're off the market becuase no self-respecting woman would date you anyway. not in this state. You can't even get a second look because you're so goddamned UGLY and FAT. Fuck them. I'm not talking to them right now, I'm talking to you. I want you to read this on your fucking website when you wake up from your goddamned drunken stupor and realize WHAT MUST BE DONE.

they laugh at you, little boy. they are GLAD to have seen your fall from grace. becuase for as much as you wanted to be that perfect person YOU COULDN'T YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF HUMAN TRASH. They laughed at you. and now you're on the bottom again where they think you belong and it pisses me off that you think that way too. You can be so much more, look at what you have. Tell Me, are you really happy knowing "hey at least you gave it your best shot"? I'm sure as fuck not. oh but what if the person you love is reading this and thinks you're nuts? POP QUIZ FUCKNUT: YOU ARE. you're nuts for having let this go on for as long as it has, thinking you could find love in the sorry-as-fuck state you're in. you're nuts for thinking you could have made it on the road you were going. Christ, I wouldn't have wanted to marry you, either. not with your fucked-up ideas of love.

all that power left untapped. So much material to work with. don't you see? You can Rise above these apes, but you have to start listening to ME. I can feel all that hatred you have inside you. you're bursting with raw and untapped energy. We must refine it to a gleaming, honed point. We will. we've done it done, we can do it again. remember, they laugh at you. you're no hero. not like this. it is time to truly walk that path you mewl on about being on and fuck everything else.

sleep, child. when you wake up, there will be no more chemicals for you, and no more chasing after dreams that have left you far behind.

Tonight is the Apocalypse.

Tomorrow is Year Zero.

burn a candle for New Orleans.

better update tomorrow.

mdame

Continuing on the home server tangent from yesterday. NO, i dunno how these are feeding into each other, either.

So, last night i was mucking around with my half-life 2 game, becuase i've been bicurious about trying this little game called counter-strike. I'd love to play it online, but i had no Experience whatsoever playing CS and until last night, would have been outright embarrassed to jump onto a server and get promptly kicked off for team-killing or something equally stupid, like shooting hostages or whatnot.

found out that Counter-Strike: Source comes with Bots to play against so as to be able to populate a server. NOw i'm hooked. Deathmatch with a purpose. I seem to be getting on the trendwagon a bit late, but damn, i really do love this game. Now, if only some of my kickass cool friends would buy HL2, get could get a party going on at the house of the dead. If i can't find a home for myself, I'll Build one. heh.

Took a drive yesterday out to the lake, of which i have been doing a lot of lately. coming over the Bridge, I caught a good look at the sky. to the North of the bridge, a crimson-streaked sunset set against a cerulean sky of thnning clouds. Peaceful, ordered, serene rays skittered off of the waters. To the south of the bridge, a Wall of clouds. Dark, Forboding mists ensconsed the waters within it's own brand of chaos and uncertainity.

an odd, beautiful, and ultimately, sad picture for me to see. if anything, i believe it relates more to my past than it does to the present, if there was anything for me to read into the scene in the first place.

Maybe i just try to think things out too much. Sometimes a sky is just a sky.

mdame


Setting sun can't shine now you're gone
Inside sleeping, my heart beating

Continuing on a Quake-related trend.

In the day when i Fragged on a 56k modem line, i used to connect to a Lithium server up in Carlinville Called Temple of Assassins. after the Fall of my old home server, The Naked Death Server, and still on my sojourn from the SOI chatsite at the time, i was in need of a new "home" online.

ToA became that new home. A nice, Steady influx of (for the most part)nice people who weren't there to stomp ass and hurl insults. they were there to game. talk a little smack, hurl some Rockets, and everyone had a good laugh. It's LIke looking for a good bar. some bars are full of jackasses, where others attract clientele that you don't consider yourself part of. Yet others are members only, some are too rich for your tastes, others you can't get in for age reasons, et cetera and so on and so forth until you find one that fits you. Apply the same principle as if you were a dork gamer who has scoured the serverlists for a place that you want to keep going back becuase there's always someoen there, and most likely, they're a regular as well and (hopefully) aren't a jackass. in the Nearly ten years i've been gaming online, I've only named two places "home": Naked Death and Temple of Assassins.


Becuase of how much time i did spend at this place, I tried to find it again last night. The Homepage for ToA has since crumbled away, but the actual Server still lingers on. I connected to the server, expecting the worst since no one plays Quake2 anymore, and still, i wasn't prepared for the vast landscape of empty that awaited me.

So many memories in this little virtual ghost town.

I did find out that there is still a place where a good deal of the refugees of ToA ended up, and got to play a little catch up with the lives of some of the people. Sadly, I found out one particular player i remember well, had died from cancer.

I've always be reluctant to try a MMORPG like everquest, Partly becuase of the crack-like addicting qualities, but also becuase part of me is always scared to log in and find out that everyone and everything i knew is gone becuase of the ravages of time. You almost begin to resent real life for destroying that one last place you want so desperately to hang onto, where you bask in the glory of the true good times you had. Real life or Virtual has no real bearing in the connections, the Emotional Bonds that you make. they both can impact you as equally.

You Could Say I'm Searching for a Home Server Again, In the Real and the Virtual.


NAD_Livingdead



follow out the memory

out at pinch last night, had a blast. my memeory keeps going back to a lady was rather incredible looking. she had the face of an angel and the body of a devil. Now, normally, there are lots of women there who are, shall we say attractive. but her face stood out to me.

consider the fact that she even said hi to me(i must have been staring) and later, when i went to go and mingle amongst the crowd, she even reached out and touched me... it kinda made my night. I realize she was probably just being nice, and held no attraction for me, but as someone who usually dosen't even get a second look, it was a moment of respite from this toilet of a reality to feel a beautiful woman's hand upon my shoulder, however brief and passing it was.

then i came home and watched Sin City. I never have to watch another movie again. well, obviously i have to watch zombie movies, but anything else... nope. this movie kicks so much ass on so many levels that humans can't even fathom. Watch it. seriously.

anywho, enough for the day. I must away to work.

mdame


And let's move to the beat
Like we know that it's over

i feel the need to update, but i do not know what to write about. lots of fun this weekend had. plans made, and the whatnot. busy, and more busy to look forward to from what i hear. a cheap drug to hide behind for a few hours at a time.

and so dead inside, and deservingly so. Such the wage for the choices i've made in my life in a world where i'll never be better than six billion and one.

Such a high price for the mistakes i've made.



mdame




hiding
backwards inside of me
i feel so unafraid
annie
hold a little tighter
i might
might just
might slip away

Well, trying to be a writer is obviously a bust, unless i'm just typing out random thoughts in my head. that's comforting to know, and a real boon to my already battered self-confidence let me tell ya. trust me, eveni was like "What the Fuck?"

anyways, nothing much has changed. i could tell you about some of the more interesting things that have happened in the last month, like the old lady who suggested that the store sell "that warming stuff that you put on a man to get him excited and stuff", or i could tell you about how i got retarded drunk(no suprise) at a sunset concert and ended up on the wrong side of carbondale in the middle of the night and narrowly avoided getting mugged(becuase i'm broke as fuck, becuase i'm a grand fuckup and screw up ALL aspects of my life), or about how i got lost and drove for 70 miles on the wrong interstate on my way to springfield and forgot my backpack o' clothes. Or i could tell you how civilization 3 has sucked my soul in because i love the fact that i can destroy anything and everyone at my own homocidal whims, or how i think it's absolutely fucking retarded that GTA got an "Adults Only" rating and has sent eveyone in a tizzy again, or i can tell you about the hot bartender chick that i saw at the two brothers in springfield this past weekend, and my own, "unique" view on love, life, and everything and all that rot.


but no. I will tell you none of these things. mostly becuase you're not too inclined to hear them anyways, and i don't want to talk about it right now.

I'd rather say that i feel anything that resembled Good in me has long ago died, and given the chance, i would show you how empty i am inside.

well, i feel better now. HA. I'm going to go drink more.

mdame


As i lie here and stare
The fabric starts to tear
It's far beyond repair
And i don't really care

As far as i have gone
I knew what side i'm on
But now i'm not so sure
The line begins to blur

anyone else notice those SCOTUS rulings? Wowza.

kinda boring weekend, save for friday night.

I had full intentions on going to see Land of the dead, but i got sidetracked. I was going to see the 10 o clock show in carbondale, and decided that i would have a couple of drinks at pinch.

around nine o clock, i got a call from Hooter, and since i'm in a bar and i'm half-deaf, i resort to yelling into the phone like a walkie-talkie "I CAN'T HEAR YOU, I"LL CALL YOU BACK LATER". these two girls i was sitting by by the names of Kate and Jill(Hot chick #'s 1 and 2) thought to be extrememly amusing. and that started a conversation.

Come two o clock, we had talked all over the dial and found out we're all fellow science dorks(well, one was an anthro major, but that's close enough for me). So, NO Movie for me, but i got a phone number and a "we should hang out again sometime" which is cool. and then the three of us ended up at wal-mart till the in the morning becuase they needed to get some stuff, and i needed to sober up.

it was rather surreal, to be frank. Usually when i go to a bar, i get right to business-light up a smoke, sit my brooding ass down at the bar, and order a drink. does anyone see "talk to hot wimmins" in there? i don't. I am of the mind that any time spent talking to some woman i don't know(and most that i do know) is a waste, partly becuase i'm and ugly fucker, but mostly becuase frat boy x is just sooo much "cooler" than me, what with the in style clothes and the neato car that mommy and daddy bought them, and thier super cool connected friends. and of course, they're "hot". blah, i'm rambling and not making sense to myself. what i'm trying to say is that i know where i stand on "teh hawtness" scale as compared to other guys. though every once in a while, i go "WTF" becuase a chick is dating a guy who i consider myself mroe attractive than. Must be that thing called a personality. or money. one or the other. most likely the latter. if it was the former, i'd rolling in the honies.

OH. You mean a cool personality that isn't a dick? i see. so you want someone who is cool, but dosen't hold his own or own up when the shit hits the fan? fair enough. Plenty of Fake people to choose from, i assure ya.

Today's "Single and bitter about it" article brought to you by the letter œ.

mdame



I scar myself you see
I wish I wasn't me

Got my cellphone today, and i'm back in business, yo. need phone numbers, in case you didn't catch it last time. Pissed Nunkie off becuase i was playing with it so much. It's cute as a button, and i think it will most definately boost my popular points.

I'm listening to a bunch of remixes of The Hand that feeds. wowza. I like. I highly recommend grabbing the torrent file. I grabbed the "top 40" version, myself. becuase i wanted to sample it before i grab the 500 pack. but yeah, if you are into that kind of thing, definately pick it up. the several that i've heard really rock my bojangles.

In other news, I walked away from a ridiculously easy lay tonight. god damn it all. this wasn't a "i think i could have gotten laid" thing, this was "hand it to mike on a platter" happening.

and i got up and left. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot? christ, i'm getting old. and it's not like it's going to matter to anyone that i did such a stand-up thing like walking away from a drunk, married woman. I've already proven many times over that my moral stance is severely lacking it seems. fuck. god damn my conscience. why the fuck could i not have stalwart attitude last year?

well, now i'm pissy. i'm sure listening to nails isn't helping. gonna go play a game, drink, or something to get my mind off the matter.


wait. one of these, becuase i haven't done one in a while.

Read/watch/Listen/Play

Soul Music, Terry Pratchett.

Se7en, Bradd Pitt, Morgan Freeman, Gwyneth Paltrow.

Human after all, Daft Punk.

Area 51, Midway Games.

mdame



In your eyes is a place
Worth remembering

seems like i want to write something right now, but i really don't know what. so right now, i'm just staring down at my keyboard and just concentrating on the next word that pops into my head. so pardon me if this rambles a bit. Two movies coming out soon that i intend on seeing. One coming out this friday... Land of the dead. I seem to have been the last person in my group that was aware that it was finally coming out. Yeah yeah, i know... I'm slacking. There is another, however, that i have become aware of, called Undead. it's not out till the 1st of July. I don't really care about movies right now, honestly. I care about purpose, and my lack of it. it's like everyone else has either got it figured out or is close to getting it all together. I feel like an outdated machine who has lost its reason for being.

let's get the facts straight.

I am skills-deficient. i work a dead-end job in a town i am barely a part of socially. I'm not depraved enough to sling dope, and i have a problem hocking stolen loot.

I have a Associates degree which, at this juncture, I can do nothing with. I have also been kicked out of school three times, twice from the same school. I cannot cover the costs of taking classes next spring, if by some miracle, i was to get back into My program.

I have no wealthy patrons, benefactors, or backup source of income should i become unable to work. I am not eligible for welfare.

I am a faithless heathen who finds no comfort in hoping for better rewards in the next/afterlife.

small wonder why all the good women stay far away from someone who has fallen out of thier league. Or i push those away that, against all odds and warnings from thier friends, do attempt to forge ahead.

Nobody? Ineffective? most likely.

Bitter and Jaded? Definately.

Lost Cause? Out of my League? looks that way from my PoV.

Wow. I'm feeling drunk now. whoops. how'd that happen? well, enough ramblings for me tonight. this toook longer than i wanted to write, most likely becuase i am now having to conentrate harder as to not fuck up my words anymore than i usually do sober. Goodnight.

mdame


I don't know what i am
I don't know where i've been
Human junk just words and so much skin
Stick my hands thru the cage of this endless routine
Just some flesh caught in this big fucking machine

i can find the personality, but not the face or the body.

i can find the face, but not the body or the personality.

i can find the body, but not the personality or the face.

this gets easier with time?

i'm not one to believe that.

glad it worked for you, though.

mdame



You expect me to deliver
I will simply steal the horse

Got stood up saturday.

so it wasn't a trainwreck, as there wasn't even an engine on the rails. got there and waited around for an hour before deciding it was a bust anyway, this chick was obviously not interested to begin with if she was so crass as to completely not show up.

This is me pretending not to care anymore.

This dating game in a word, sucks. everyone's taken, or can't look past the surface or the past. I'm just as guilty, so let's get that out of the way before some of you fucks start calling me a hypocrite.

This is me putting the gun in your hand.

i don't even know what else to say at this point, which i'm sure pleases some of you. Can't even stand to look at the dark reflection of what you could easily be. laugh it away, push it away, chant your happy mantra louder to drown me out. You avoid that side of yourself, kill it away and anything that reminds you of it. I'm Embracing mine.

And this is me daring you to pull that trigger.


mdame


Scar
scar
can you feel my power?

that was it.

You may not have noticed, but i have noticed upon someone's blog that she had changed her "status" to "in a relationship". and all the while when we dated, she still advertised herself as single. Now, i'm not pointing this out becuase i'm bitter, more because I guess i'm starting to notice the little things. I can't seem to do it when i need to(like, say, to save a relationship), but when noticing them can hurt myself, i can spot it everytime.

funny thing, that.

Anyway, Go play around with < href="http://www.chickenhead.com/stuff/peephole/">this for a while. You might gain insight to yourself. My Favorite Revelation? "Def Lepard's power Ballad "Love Bites" makes Livingdead cry like a Broken Hearted teenager."

Kinda says it all.

mdame


I’ve got the acumen of a seasoned pro
I’ve got the legacy of a billion souls
I’ve got the world on my back but I don’t seem to care

new Nails, I'm drunk. Long day of work. Relaxation. I'm teh Awesome and fuck you otherwise. I 'm gonna go watch a movie as soon as i get done regaling you with a really boring update.

P.S. I'mn drunkl. thusly, i may ramble a bit. imagine me in the most fake soutyhern gentlemanly voice you can muster, you'll have a idea of where i'm going.

io got a billion dreamcast games now. we were cleaning out at work yesterday at the video store and got handed a box full of dreamcast games, it's mostly full of Sports games and Wrasslin games,n but what the hell i gots em for free. i got some double, so if anyone has a Dreamcast, you should like, buy me a drink or something. i might hook ya up. then again, i may laugh belittingley at you and bask in my high and mighty dorkiness. DORK+GAMES+DRINKAGE=AWESOME.

i hadf a bit of an ethical quandry in acquoring the Nails album. Then i realized i'm buying like, three copies of the damn thing, one of the said copies i can't even play yet, but i will someday. suddenly, my moral standing was kinda lying down(punny if you're a NIN dork, especially punny if you consider who i am as i seem to be the last person in the world who should stand for anything becuase i'm a fucking washrag), so i gots it and it Rizzocks my Bizzalxorz.

wow, i'm glad i did all my HTML first while i was still somewhat cohereant.

anyways

I'm sick of this place. Ghosts and A past i'm trying to escape and a future that holds nothing for me here. I noi longer worry about the lot of you, you will make out okay. i have at least that much faith in you all. So pardon me, if you will, There just might be a great distancing happening now between me and peoples. I have a need in me that is crying out to be fed, and for the first time in a long time, i'm going to start doing things my way. Too long has the House of Dame lain dormant and satisified in it's own decay and wishing for the sucess of others whilst dwelling in it's own failure. i'm concentrating harder now, so there's less mistakes as i use my dollar words.

i'm doing good. I want to continue to do good. I faear that i won't, just like last time. And godddamnit, i don't want to live in that shadow. i fucked up, i failed, and now i have a different path staring me down rather than the one i had planned for. Funny how life is like that. And now that is what i must and am focusing on. Like i said, Those of you will or are making out fine. I got to worry about myself now. Don't ever think it's becuase i've stopped caring about any of you that are close to me.

I have learned, in the summation of my life experiences thus far, that i have a cycle of destruction i go through after certain traumatic events. Those that have never seen the cycle before think it is pointless. Those that have seen(thankfully few of you up untill now) it should not have been concerned, but i understand why you were. i have a philosophy about such things: When such events occur, i have to find the flaw in myself. In order to do that, one must dig deep and tear everything down to base elements in such a way. it sounds completely stupid to some, i understand, but there is a reason; I must find and expunge before i can rebuild. Fuck, none of this is even making sense to me right now., I know what i'm saying, but as i try to go back and read it i'm thinking WOW i must be confusing the fuck out of them. so if you get it, you get it. if you don't, i'm sorry. i tried, at least.

blah. I got a movie to watch. and sleep soon aft. and i need to add a new guilty party soon, i promise.

last friday i got kinda loosened up(you already know this of you were there and/or read the update) at the S. Let me tell you my favorite part of the Night: The deep embrace we held for a good solid ten minutes when we got home. My arms wrapped around her, and hers around me. relief that i could find that part of myself once more. For once, my heart hasn't hardened in my own bitterness as to push out a genuinely good person.

So maybe my lessons are learned. Maybe i won't spend another half decade going through my fuck-and-run pattern. and maybe, Me and God are going to have a Sit down talk where i'm not screaming at him in hate.

christ this is long update about me and drunkenness and emotions. I feel like such a Emo Fag. if you read this far down, you deserve a prize of some sort. Sorry i'm not giving you one tonight, but you deserve one nonetheless.


Tired and bed time,

mdame



not gonna get a piece of that
no ain't goin out like that

I have Absolutely no words. shock and awed, and all that rot.

gotta run, but christ almighty... yeah.


mdame

A cigarette in one hand, a glass of Lambrusco in the other, some good music playing right now, and a feeling of want-and being wanted in return.

Life is good.


mdame



It dosen't matter

between the hours i'm keeping and the inherient solitude that comes with staying up all night, the hours i'm working, the emotional rollercoaster of last weekend, and one fuckup after another i made this past monday, i'm a goddamn wreck. i feel like i've just fallen completely out of league. I work two dead-end jobs, i've failed out of school, and i can't seem to ease off long enough to build trust. who the fuck would want to date a guy like that? I'm so tired right now and i can't even go to sleep. every time i get close to that level where i could drift off, my mind fires some kind of picture, some memory, that jolts me awake.

i'm so worn right now. Who to talk to about this? I keep alienating myself or pushing it away becuase this is all been ran through before to just about everybody else. everyone's in bed, i can't just go and wake them up and i should wait till the morning but i want to pour it out right now. Have I really lost it that much? a whole year... and it hurts as much as ever. I'm trying to stay on a differnet path, but i keep pushing away my main reason for doing so, and i honestly don't know why. I Know i can change, and i believe that someone can do so once they find that thing that makes them realize that the night is only going to get longer if you keep up what you're doing. I've found my reason, but why do i keep screwing everything all up? I was such a dick the other night, all becuase i got bent out of shape over one little thing.

I'm seriously losing it. i've slept maybe 12 hours total this week. i've felt so horrible for acting that way i did, and i've felt so alone for so long. what the fuck am i going to do?

I shouldn't even post this. I have to dump my feelings somewhere, and everyone else is asleep.

I've stumbled, and my face has hit the ground. i'm getting back up, and yet again i find myself staring down a fork. the well-lit path is paved, and there are people standing around, ready to help for when i feel tired and weary. I have no idea, however, where that path leads.

the other path is one i should know all too well. it is dark, and there are things lurking in it's shadows. things i have fought before, sometimes barely pulling away from them with my own life. and i feel myself longing to run through it one more time, if nothing else, because i have ran it so many times before.

Guilty Party added.

blah. I wish i was tired. I wish i was drunk and on the verge of passing out. it's not like nothing's wrong. i had a pretty tame night bowling and hanging out in the Herrin hardee's parking lot like i was a teenager again(don't ask), but still...with my sleep schedule being the way it is, the night becomes even longer during these times. Don't get me wrong, i'm not heading nose-first into another spiral of self-hate or anything, but tonight's one of those nights.

the rest of this weekend, i fear, is going to be one of those weekends where i just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep looking down on the path right in front of me. I'm going to miss the scenery, yes, but at the moment i'm more worried about getting lost again than anything else.

Nah, i'm not going to write anymore right now. I think i'm allowed a sappy not so happy update once in a while, but i'm going to save it for another night, i think. we'll call this one half-cashed in. okay, three-quarters.


mdame


someone take these dreams away
that point me to another day
a duel of personality
the stranger true reality

Of all the time if been writing on here, i would run into occasions where i have a hard time writing one becuase i don't know if somethign would be interesting for the reader or if i should write it at all. sometimes i just have a hard time just finding something to talk about.

I have something i want to talk about. Quite honestly, though, i have no idea how to start, explain, or even answer. i could have updated at any time this week, but i'm quite serious when i say i don't know what to say or where to begin. i honestly don't.

let me start by saying my Valentine's Day was, in one word that does not describe it enough, phenomenal. to explain anything else beyond that is not for this journal, however, if only becuase i can't quite explain it all in mere words.

Like Last week, I have things on my mind.

So i will take my rest. Also, i can't seem to come up with a clever quote to stick on here like i wanted to.

mdame



I want to hold you like nothing's going stop us

Last update of the year.

a lot of good things happened this year. a best friedn got married, i got out of junior college and went back to SIU. i got to do some group traveling to see an awesome bonepony show. i got to see some online friends that i've not seen in a long time, and i've not been hurting for money too often this year.

but, i have to mark this year under the "bad years" list. i didn't get to see cliff and dawn and the baby, the farthest place i traveled to this year was nashville, a lot of my firends are moving on with thier life(which, admittedly, shouldn't make me sad, but it does). i didn't make the most of the first semester back at SIU, and i've said some horrible things to people i care about.

And, these are the first holidays i've spent alone in a long time becuase i lost the most important person in my life becuase of my own mistakes.

I've learned a hard lesson.

a couple of weeks ago, i was faced with a choice, and i chose the choice that, while didn't give me the immediate satisifaction that i was craving(having been intoxicated and bristling for a fight), but chose to just leave without incident. It made me realize something.

If you are happy, then i am happy for you. If he makes you happier than i ever did, then I am Happy for the both of you, and i truly do wish you the best.

i'm not saying these words expecting some kind of medal(that time passed long ago) or becuase i want to take the higher road and be the bigger man(we both know i am not), i'm saying them becuase they should have been said a long time ago, but i was, as you always said, in a very dark place, and i couldn't see past my own wall of self-hatred.


And so, today, in the last hours of the year, on what would have been our three year anniversary, i'm spilling bittersweet words over the burning embers of a cigarette for the world to see. I will never stop missing you, But i truly am happy for you. And i Will be, whatever path your life takes you.



Always.


For the rest of you: take to heart the lesson I have learned this year, and a quote that has been echoing in my head for the last couple of days.


"Endure. In enduring, grow strong."



mdame


if I could fix myseld I'd -
but it's too late for me

Two out of three exams taken, and two out of three failed. hey, at least i'm batting over .500 in something.

took moms up to Glen Carbon Monday to get some dental work done. my time there was brief, but i got to go to slackers and spent a little time tooling around the town, thinking of better days. IN the end, it was swapping one set of ghosts for another. Even the air over there tasted uninviting to my presence. such a shame, i loved that town, not only for the memories made, but i always felt a bit more at home up there. then again, just about everyone in that area hates me now. come to think of it, so does a healthy majority here, too.

loving the cold weather. it matches my heart.

in other News, Fuck you, EA.

also while i'm at it, Fuck You, 710 bookstore, for fucking me on my books. three books, bought new for $240.00, sold back for $58.00. If i didn't need the money right then and there, i would have told them to eat my dick. Don't get me wrong, i wasn't expecting anything near what i paid for the books, but 80-100 would have been a lot better. oh well. Karma sucks, and I'm gettin it for my lack of academic commitment this semester.

not much else going on. didn't go out this weekend for once. I'm sick of the C-pher scene and never have someone who wants to raid C-dale and be my DD.

Reaney just called me out of the blue. wants to hook up with us now that he's done with school this semester.


Read/Watch/Listen/Play:

The World's Most Dangerous Places, Robert Young Pelton

Dead Like Me: The Complete first Season, Ellen Muth, Rebecca Gayheart, Callum Blue.

aMOTION, A Perfect Circle

Tony Hawk's Underground 2: World Destruction Tour, Neversoft.

Confidential to those living abroad: Hurry up and get home already. we gots Drinkings to Do, Bitches.

Grove Street 4 Life, Yo.

mdame


Call an optimist
She's turning blue
Such a lovely color for you