I finally sold out to Myspace. Add away if you are on it and can find me. God damnit.


Last update of the year.

Man. What a fucking rollercoaster. These year end Wrap ups used to be depressing due to sentimentality of certain events during this time of year. I didn't even do one last year because i was rather elbow deep in stag with Brandocrap and Mickapotamus in Springfield. And that was actually a good thing. got me out instead of brooding over stuff i couldn't change. anyway.

Now, things being the way they are, i am here, by myself for tonight. Not heading out because the last thing i want to do is get trashed and drive home in relatively unknown settings in hazardous weather(Wind and snow advisories tonight, lovely). Also, it's money i don't need to be spending at the moment. Sparks isn't available either at the moment, So i gotta make do with what i got.

Brooding away, let me recap:

Back to everything.... - Took up an old job. Did what i had to do. thankful for the get back on your feet opportunity, yet i was back to square one. felt like ntohing was going to ever change.

Slipping further - Gma effectively goes blind. While Still the deadliest intergalactic force on earth, I get a very harsh reality check, not helped by-

Backslider - Had my hopes built up, then crushed. flipped the fuck out. Cursed everything. Hated everyone, everything. Tired of it all. This was going to be my lot, until...


I was wrong, this changes everything - A Spark of flame flickering in the dark, I follow, going far off the path I had known. Holy hell, what the hell is going on here? I think i feel things again. I don't feel like a monster. I think this can be something grand.


Tied Knots - Tim and Rach, Jeremy and Michelle, Jason and Terez, probably forgetting others. Congrats to each and every one of you. even the ones i'm forgetting. i'm an asshole.

Hatchets - Words of war stopped with a bunch of people. not even going to start listing them. Guess i grew up a little bit.

The Reunion - Saw a bunch of people. got drunk. Talked to other people when it was more one on one. Good times i think.

Not for long - Plunged into the long night, Stay the beast within. Follow the trail. Dawn is near.

Fuck it. Too much wordy melodramtic bullshit. Can't keep going on in crazy half-assed metaphors. Moved away, glad I did, things are not perfect but it's getting there.

In summary, It was the year of really fucking weird paradoxes. Started out horrible, turned out way better than I can imagine. I can't ask for much more, nor would I change how the hand played out because as far as I'm concerned, I'm holding aces.

Time to celebrate.


Only you
Can calm me down

So, this is the first holiday I have spent away from the family. Our Family never really did much anyway, What is different about this year is that this is the first time in about three years I've had to buy a present for the better half. Naturally, I waited until today to get anything, Whereupon i had to fight most of rockford in snarling traffic and pea soup fog.

So after all that, I got to get to the fun stuff: What the fuck am I supposed to buy? I've never been good at interpreting what women want for a present, Or remembering what she already has. The Last time I had to do this was easy.

The Ex: "Buy me a Care Bear."

Me: "Ok."

Livingdead Buys a Carebear, And only a Carebear. That's It. Way to think outside of the box there, chief. Most likely, it was the worst of the Carebears, too, like Pissy Bear or something. Anywho, So I went on, fought a bunch of invading plantlike robots from the distant planet Qixnar Zuerg to save xmas that year. At least, that's how I remember it.


Before The Ex, there was Linhja. Also easy to buy for. also fucked that up.

Linhja: "I'd Like this anime."

Livingdead: "ok."

Livingdead Buys a shit ton of Anime discs, all stuff he, nor her, ever heard of. Also, none of them were seperate movies by themselves. They were all part of different sets, and I bought neither the beginning or the endings of them. Only in the middle. Why she never murdered me in my sleep I'll never know.

Needless to say, I'm not really good at doing this kind of shit because I haven't had a lot of practice buying for a woman at Xmas. Probably like every other guy on earth, I like to have what you want spelled out for me, but at the same time, I'm still in that era of the relationship where I want to impress by having some sense of ingenuity when it comes to buying a gift. that's a slippery slope of logic. Go for the safe and expected? or... Get a little adventurous and bold?

So, What does bold and adventerous Livingdead Do? Linergie. I can tell you this because I'm horrible at giving hints and more or less already told her what I got her.(Something else I need to work on as well, it seems) I don't think I helped things when I said "Wait till you see it. I'd TOTALLY fuck a shark in it!" So I guess I better go out and buy some other stuff, quick.

And I wonder why I spend so much time single.

is it tomorrow or just the end of time?

Internets, I am back. Bitches.

Let's see. Where to start...

Move in went okay. it's definately a bachelor Pad, but things are sort of more or less in thier place. what was packed in the course of 2 days ws unloaded by myself in an hour and a half.

I've noticed I have a bad habit of going to the store to buy stuff, and then get home only to realize I forgot something vitally important, i.e., "oh thank god that's all over wit-OH FUCK I FORGOT TOILET PAPER AND I GOTTA GO!"

I never realized how much TV I watched, even when I don't really watch TV. I turn on the TV only to find I have air channels, and then realize that I won't be seeing Mythbusters or Dirty Jobs for a long, long time. At least I can watch that one show I don't watch(Alex got K-lined? WTF?)... if i can stand all the static.

I managed to survive a week without internets. That was a goddamn feat in itself. I've had some kind of access to the interwbes since I was 14. Again, I never realized how much I use it till I didn't have it. ex.: "Hmm, I don't have a phone book for pizza, I'll look up papa john's on the inter-Oh, wait...." Or a better example: "I need to get directions to get around town, I better pull up google earth and look-oh yeah."

Needless to say, by the time I got hooked back up, I was ready to suck off the ethernet wire that was providing me with sweet internet nutrients in a godawful erotic display of pleasure. So I guess that makes me gay for internet, which makes me subsequentally gay for all of you I think. I hope you're all as scarred by that now as I am for having it in my head.

I hear you all are getting a lot of rain down there. We're getting ice storms. or were. Now it's just bitterly cold and a frozen wasteland of snow covered in ice. Kinda Awesome. Thank god I was smart enough to be fat so I can stay warm. Also, City-folk can't drive in Snow either. My first night up here in a winterstorm, some dumbass was fishtailing in our apt parking lot because it's cool, yo. Also, in another incident in another storm later last week, another dipshit Nearly smashed into me at a redlight, then proceeded to stay on my ass and brighted me till his turnoff. Yeah, sorry dumbfuck, i'm not gonna drive faster in adverse conditions and run the risk of wrecking just so you can get somewhere faster, ESPECIALLY when it's a fucking four lane highway.

Sparks Works a lot, so I'm left to my own devices. Since I don't want to be(or more effectively, can't be) the guy who hangs out at her place of work all day long, that means(especially when I was sans intertubes) I'm bored as fuck. I went and beat Neverwinter Nights finally, since I wasn't distracted by the addiction that is Warcraft.


This is really fucking disjointed and I apologize. Also, I wish I had cooler stories, but I've pretty much hung around the apartment and the immediate area for the time being. so nothing mind-blowingly-fucking awesome, yet.

Basically, everything's fine for the time being. I'll shit out another one when I get something awesome to talk about. Or get really really bored.

Confidentals:

Mette: Where the hell have you been? You need to come back to Rockford now that i'm here. on TnT: Speyside is where I stayed on Tobago, at the Blue Waters Inn nearby. Great snorkeling and it's not too populated. On trinidad I stayed at a Bird Sanctuary about 30-40 minutes from Arima. It was nice, but I hate birds. I'd Skip Trinidad altogether and go straight to Tobago unless you're gonna stay in Port-of-Spain(and i can't help you there, since the most I saw of it was going to and from the airport) If you do stay in Trinidad, boil your water before you drink it if the place you're at dosen't provide you with any drinking water. Tobago's Water is fine. Hope this helps. shoot me a msg if you got anything specific you need to know.

Cybrpunk: Yes, I'm in NoIL. now stop Makeing up seseless Acronyms and get backto writing Zombie Sotires for me to feast on ;)


Tman: Updated. your turn. try to crank one out before the end of the year.

Brandocrap: You too.

Sassy Boy: Consider it done. Get ahold of me and we shall talk about possible nipplings.




Miami Nice

Guilty Parties modified.

This is it. The party's over. The bags are packed. Months of anxiety, nailbiting, and worry. All about to be over with. Bittersweet, Almost.

Today I start a march of war on the north. All that is left is questions.

Will I find what I have been looking for? Will everything end up okay? Am I going to be throwing some people off the top bunk? Will it possibly change me? Am I running away? Where are all those hopes and promises? is this the age of ascension?

All I know is what I am leaving.

Great friends. The best anyone can hope for.

A past I am neither proud nor ashamed of.

Ghosts.

A father who dosen't care.

A mother and grandmother who does.

An extended family(K and M being the notable exception) that dosen't even know who I am because I was born one town over.

My true family down south.

A lifestyle.

A culture I never fit into from day one.

Memories of the beginning of a relationship.

And the memories of the the endings of so many more.


So, what's the last bit of wisdom i want to leave you with for a while(I will be back online soon hopefully, I promise you)?

Those of you what are still here in Southern Illinois, Get out while you still can.

To the SoIL expatriates: Continue to be a beacon for those that are still here and trying to get out. Let us know we are not alone. Encourage a much as you can.


So here we go, little boy. Almost the last in line in the Great Christopher Diaspora. No more hiding. No more waiting. Time to be a man. Don't let them change you.



Wherever somebody's struggling to be free
Look in their eyes Ma
You'll see me

This is the update where I offically basically tell you all what is going down.

I'm moving. After 15 years of trying to find my place here in Southern Illinois, I'm done.

My last day at my current place of employment is nov. 24th. after that, I'm packing up and moving onto... something.

So, as tradition would have it, I must have a going away party. thankfully, I'm going to hold it during thanksfornothinggiving weekend, in the hopes that everyone who is or can be home, will be.

so, here's the dox.


Livingdead's going away/Roast/Birthday/Help me drink the rest of my beer because I can't take it with me party!


When: Saturday, Nov 24

Time: 7:00 p.m. CST. earlier if you help drink all my beer.

Where: Christopher IL. If you decide to help with the beer, it starts earlier at my place. Otherwise, I(we, hopefully) will be at 1 of 4 bars located in town. Your best bet is the S&S, followed by T Street, followed by KC hall, and if i get talked into it, PD's place. can anyone say PUB CRAWL WOOT WOOT?

Who is invited: If you read this, you're probably invited. Like I can kick you out of a public place, but you get the jist of it.

Anwyay, I would love it if you could plan a stop-by or a hang out or something. I would mean a lot to me. Yes, Even you.

If you need additional info, please drop me an email. I'll try to explain as much as I can.


hope to see you there.

This is the beginning of the end

Yeah, I know. Don't even say it. Real life has been rather... well... " Real lifey", I suppose.



Something I find to be at the same time complete utter bullshit and mysteriously intriguing is the idea of what kind of alcohol you drink influences your overall mood while consuming. Working where I do, you hear a lot of people swear off certain liquors because of previous encounters with said devil's drink. By way of a for instance, let's say Jager as it's a rather polarizing drink-you either LOOOOOOOVVVVVVE it, or ABSOLSUTELY FUCKING HATE it. I tend to be in the latter camp with Jager, unless I'm doing Liquod Cocaine shots, which as Suicidal Tendancies can Vouch for, I no longer do.(Hint: SQ2, option c)

Anyway, the false idea of behaviour being dictated by what you drink isn't exactly running new ground, I know, but even now and then I still find it interesting. It's like one of those little factlets you bring up in the midst of a three-hour conversation with a bunch of close friends, whilst enjoying each others company. That, or you use it as a cheap sort of introduction at the bar when you're trying to get into someone's pants.

And since I'm simultaneously friends with all of you AND trying to get into all of your pants, I thought it would be a proper topic to delve into.


Right now, I've been sipping on spiced rum for the past four hours, and I feel the overall notion of calmness and in tune with the harmonic balances of life, the universe, and everything. Which isn't me at all. Anyone who knows me(which means all of you) knows I tend to operate on the other end of the spectrum; Chaotic, Self-destructive, slovenly, perverse. It's weird to feel this calm and collected about things even when fears have put me in a state of worry about it collapsing into itself. I think rum is my calming, inviting drink. I think if I had a glass of rum a day, I would be more tolerable and liked. I seem to write better, too. Or at least want to write better. More controlled. Thinking. Less fucking cursing.


Whisky is my drink of choice when I have some hard thinking to do. Most people who seem to shy away from it do so because it fuels thier more primal, fighting instincts. I'm a scotch fan by nature, but Bbcause of my linage(Gma, Srly), I also enjoy a glass of Beam. Also, becuase I'm a Canadian Loving Faggot, I like the Crown. Whiskies, by my fuzzled memories, Make me feel tactiturn, decisive. I have to do this, or this. One or the other. No pussy-footing around. Sharp, if not always rational, decisions. They're prolly going to fuck up, but damnit, I have chosen this line and I will not back down.

When I drink cheap beer, I feel juvenile. Looking for the cheap, endocrine and hope-fueled thrill. DUDE LET'S PLAY MULTIPLAYER VIDEO GAMES. I LOVE BEER PONG. ASSHOLE! FUCK YOU! let's fight and make a film about it! it'd be so avant garde! I have such great ideas! how come no one really likes me? I try and try and try.... COME ON DRINK MOAR YOU CUNTS! I'M NOT DONE! I CAN DRINK 400 BEERS.... uugh... waitaminue... hey guys i gotta bow out, i'm not feelings so ho tihs I kniht m'I annog ekup-HHHHHHHGRRRRAELB.

Contrast with: Good(nee Expensive) Beer, which for the most part I enjoy in moderation(because there's so little of it) and somehow think I'm supposed to be better because I paid 4 bucks more for my six-pack than Johnny Drunkenstein paid for a case of Beast.


Wine is diffucilt to plot out. Again, for me there's the whole "I should be enjoying this because I paid 40 bucks for this bottle" that I really can't get into, especially when it's a dry red. Sweets are marginally better, but to be blunt about it, I like Electra red because it gets me totally horny, as does Pheasant Hollow's Black and Blue. And if there's a wine tasting party, you better belive I will be there, with my Riunite Lambrusco and SOLO cups. Obviously, I'm not invited to many wine parties since I either white trash it up or drink enough to make me want to screw a frigid lamp post. I know there's so much more to wine, and I promise if I ever get that into wine, I'll revisit it in mind-numbing detail in another post.

Vodka, which according to my completely scientific poll conducted at the store, is a close second to whisky as the "what makes for a bad drunk" award. I myself am really hit or miss with the vodak. I drank it in my younger days after high school but before I was legal and have used it sparingly since, since it either turns me into a Flying Tyrannosaurus Sex with, or a shell of a person. It all depends on Relationship status, really.

Gin is my new "Gentleman's drink". Scotch used to be my Gentleman's Drink until I realized I will never own a fireplace, wear a silk bathrobe, smoke pipe tobacco, read the Wall Street Journal and " Totally get it", or be in the 50's ever again. Also, I always ruined it by pouring my well aged single-malt scotch into a coke(I have since been corrected of this). I enjoy a Dirty Martini(or ten) and they make me feel a bit more snazzy. Gin and tonic works too. Not as classy-feeling, mostly because it's usually served in a soft plastic cup instead of the awesome martini glass, but still distinct enough(and i'm usually loaded enough to not care) to be okay with it. I don't quite feel suave, commanding, and in touch under the influence of gin, but I can pull off a rather good impression of a sober and rational person. I feel Smart. Smrt. I can talk and almost make Sense, except I still mangle up the english language in pronounciation. Lava Crocs.

Tequilas, Schnapps, Cognacs, Brandys, Liquers, and all the other weird stuff I'm still a bit out on. I don't drink enough of them to have an experience on them. I enjoy a dram of the Drambuie every now and then, but for the most part I consider it standard drunk fare. I don't really feel anything on it other than it is delish and I must have more. I do, however, still hate Absinthe. End of story.


So, Class, assuming you read all the way to here, you're assignment is this, should you so choose. What's your experiences? Bonus internet points if you experienced a full-on drunk on any of the things listed in the last paragraph that I have not.

Heat Miser

It's official. I am now past the point of no return. Throwing the brakes now, even if I wanted to, would do more damage than going forward into the great unknown. I have so much to do. I have so much to plan for. So many contingency plans to make, revise, get wrecked, toss away, and hope for the best and prepare for the worst. I am not afraid of leaving. I'm flying almost totally blind right now. that scares the hell out of me. It's all coming at once. the car. the apartment situtation. the looking for a job. finishing packing. amassing money. Hopes, dreams, the threat of absolute failure riding upon already burdened shoulders.

I just want it to work. I don't care how. I just want it to work and everything be okay and make it. So tired of stagnating, waiting, existing. I want to be more. I want to take a good thing and make it better. I want. I need.


45 days. in some ways, an eternity. in others, too soon.

Nothing left here. Nothing but to close my eyes, take the plunge and hope the bitch called chance casts a favorable chance on me just one more time.


Oh up down turn around
Please don't let me hit the ground

Seek me
Call me
I'll be waiting

Seek me
Call me
I'll be waiting

This distance
This dissolution
I cling to memories
While falling
Sleep brings release
And the hope of a new day
Waking the misery
Of being without you

Surrender
I give in
Another moment
Is another eternity

Seek me
For comfort
Call me
For solace
I'll be waiting here
For the end of my broken heart

You know me
You know me all too well
My only desire
To bridge our division
In sorrow
I speak your name
And my voice mirrors
Mirrors my torment

Seek me
For comfort
Call me
For solace
I'll be waiting here
For the end of my broken heart

Seek me
Completion
Call me
I'll be waiting
I'll be waiting here
For the end of my broken heart


For comfort
For solace

Seek me
For comfort
Call me
For solace
I'll be waiting
For the end of my broken heart

I'll be waiting...


Killswitch Engage-The End of Heartache

Some of my favorite quotes. Bonus internet points if you can guess the source.



With each kill, I grow wiser, and with added wisdom, I grow stronger.


Always the questions. Never the answers. Always the hopes... never the fulfillments.

Yeah, there's no "U" either. So I guess if I'm not on the team and you're not on the team, then nobody's on the goddamned team! The team sucks!

How well will I cope. How will I cope. Will I cope.

My soul bears the burden of my misjudgment, but I have been patient; I have been waiting.
And when the time is right, the Betrayer will become... the betrayed.

[...]are you forgetting that I was a professional twice over- an analyst and a therapist. The world's first analrapist.


The right man in the wrong place can make all the difference in the world. So, wake up[...] Wake up and smell the ashes.


The weak suffer. I *endure*.


The descent had destroyed me... and yet, I lived.






They might promise you
That the river ain't deep

The Apple IIe was the pinnacle of computing for at my grade school and high school. From Kindergarten to 11th grade, these computers were used to teach the kids at Christopher all about the exciting world of technology. Yes, you read that right. My graduating class had one year of practical use on modern computers. I think the most usage we got out of it was playing snake byte and programming screen to print out something over and over until you forced a break in the routine. i had my own fun with an emulator once, long ago. I need to find another emulator and come up with more shit like that.(EDIT: Thanks for the update Bill, link is now changed) Anyway, to the story i have selected for you today.

When I was in second grade, my reading teacher, Mrs. B, would allow anyone who finished thier work early to play lemonade stand on the computer in her room. Being a kid who had only a lowly atari 2600 at home(Nintendo was the cool thing to have, and I was essentially the last kid on the block to get a NES), the prospect of playing with what was essentially a giant toy was overwhelming. Alas, I was slow in completing my work in class, so most of my time was spent at my desk, watching Nathan Rice(more on this little prick later) and someone else play lemonade stand. This sucked, and I wanted to have a chance to play that goddamn game. So one week, I took all my shit home and studied my little tubby, fat heart out until I could recite all the pronouns and thier various uses to a second grader in my sleep.

On the day of the big test, I raced right through my test, knocking out all the questions without a second thought. I knew they were right and I didn't need to waste prescious computer playing time checking my answers. After scribbling my name on the paper, I looked around at my peers. Ha. they were all still working on thier test. I'd have at least 5 minutes alone before some asshole finishes up as well and I have the share(I had a few problems with this being an only child, so I'm told) the computer with them. I marched my proud self up to the teacdher's desk, handed in the test, and politely asked Mrs. B. what I thought was rightly mine for this period.

"I'm finished with my work. May I play the computer now?"

"Mike, you haven't used the computer all year." She mused. "You wouldn't Know HOW to even use it!" a couple of the front-row kids had a laugh at this. Much like the time Nathan Rice put a tack in my seat and everyone in the class but me knew about it, and I didn't feel it at all because I was a fat lil porker. Everyone had a laugh at that, including the teacher. Also, she let everyone pinch me on St. Patrick's day because I didn't wear green. Christ, I hate her and that class. Small wonder I grew up such a misanthrope.

So while I stood there, dejected, a couple other kids came up and handed in thier work, asked if they could play the computer, and she let them. I guess I had miscalculated my peers by a few minutes. also, i wasn't as important or as cool as them.

I wanted to tell this story as a way of saying "fuck you" to my old reading teacher for basically saying I was too stupid to use the computer back then, and gloat over the fact that I know more about computers than she ever will, despite her lack of encouragement. Also, I ended up having her again in the 6th grade, where she constantly bragged about her homeroom kids that were so goddamned special because they were in band and they appearantly pissed solid gold, were going to change the world, and pulled hijinks that normally she would punish anyone else for but they were special and it was funny, so she didn't. Meanwhile, the other two 6th grade classes were pure shit and got in toruble for sharpening our goddamned pencils. If there is a personal hell for me, it will be repeating grade and junior high school for infinity. But after all that, you know what? Fuck this. Apparently, I need to go make a "People I'm going to kill" list. I'm gonna go find my lipstick.

Somebody go warn Nathan Rice.

There's a big black hole
Gonna eat me up someday

Quick one. Almost time for work.

At work, eating dinner as quick as I can, as I have explained before.

A older couple comes in, stockboy asks how thier day is going. the male grunts and waddles off to parts unknown. The female decides to takes this oppourtunity to give a Discovery Health Channel Special on her colonoscopy she had earlier that day.

Suddenly, I'm no longer hungry, and toss supper into the trash, half-finished.

I'm not a squeamish sort usually, but you can file "Talking about cameras in my ass" under "Shit I don't want to hear when I'm eating".



A cold slap to the head
From the one who wants to steal my bread

I'm drunk, so i'm pretty sure this is going to offend. consider this a warning on a website that already warns you i'm not family friendly.

This is what happens when I don't blog in a while, then try and type out a blog and waste too much time on it. I end up missing out on playing Warcraft before I go to bed and now I am too drunk to play warcraft, but still too awake to go pass out. hence, another blog. a blog of... hate. The apple HATES the bannana. hey that reminds me, I should try something for the blog carnival.

Anyway, now my mind is on overdrive and hacker Schorr(DRINK IT MY NUBIANS, AND REJOICE) and i have no structure. So anyway, thanks to cybrpunk for bringing this to my attention! I am Jack Thompson And i am still trying to be relevant! I hate Video games because they raped me and stole my lollipop! don't play them! Watch godTV and read boring-ass books and don't look at video games! they're the Debbil and they simulate MURDER and RAPE and OTHER GIANT HORRIBLE WORDS THAT SHOCK AND AWE YOU! I need massengil for my GIGANTIC HURTING CENTIPEDE-FILLED VAGINA.

you know who else pisses me off? Fred Phelps. i'm not even going to give that degenerate motherfucker a link. i think i hate him more than my neighbor or a certain Ex. Fred phelps hates gay people. I don't Gay people free up resourses that would otherwise be unavailbale to me or my gender. also, some of them are cool. women are not resources. i know this. I think Fred Phelps gets off on using the word "fag" as many times as possible in a sentence and combining it with other words to make his point. Fag-enabling faggots are fagfucking fagerica's faggot fucking fagsystem. that's pretty much fred phelps, other than the requisite "You are all fags and are going to hell except me and my fag-hating family. we're cool with jesus somehow." jesus hung around with a bunch of dudes. fuck fred phelps and fuck his stupid cult church. I hope gay robots fuck you to death. you are a good reason why I hate religion and believe in nothing and have Nightmares about Bannanas!BWAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!!!!!elevenzors!

BUT HEY, did you know that not all is lost? according to a completely fucked up nonscientific study most likely funded by the same group endorsing it: Focus on the Family. fuck them too. fuck your "we want america to be just like what we think it should be" bullshit. conform. obey. consume. sleep. if religious mediation can make a gay man straight, Then if I mediate religiously enough, I could make Jessica Beil and my girlfriend make out? And then I get to watch and make Sexy time? right? right?

RAWWWWKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!! COCK ROCK POWERS UNITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'm gonna go act like an asshole in second life now. cuz that's how I roll, yo. ther's lot's of spelling errors i'm sure. and i'm sure i don't care right now.



it's the american way
it's the american me
it's the american you

Hey, Resident evil Extinction in 2 days! whoo-hoo!

Dear Southern Illinois,

Please get a fucking theater that will play "Diary of the Dead" when it comes out.


I used to be cool on the net, then I stopped updating all the time. I should totally gyp you on this update and go play Warcraft or Second Life because that would be the hipster thing to do.

But I wont do that to you, my ever-suffering three readers. I'll try and hammer out something to consume.


So, okay, allow me to explain at least some of the absence. Work, obviously is one of the reasons. Warcraft is another. and I also Sparks came down to visit a couple of weeks ago, so I was all busy with that. Sorry, Internets. Also, not much to talk about with the Sparks visit because anymore. I don't really like talking publicly much about what me and her do for a couple of reasons. One, everybody else does that, and I'm not everybody else. since an S.O. is a significant portion of one's life, stuff that goes on with said S.O. is going to make it on teh blizzogs and I don't blame anyone one damn bit. But not here. I hope. Okay, at least not in major capacity. There's only so much happy sappy I can do and this isn't the place for it. well, it is if I want it to be, but you get the idea. Secondly, I was very public in the past about all the little shit that me and the The Ex did(which is why I can't necessarily slam anyone for writing about what they did with thier said S.O.) all that shitting rainbows, kittens, and skipping down the golden brick road was dreck(not the experiences, but writing about every little detail like that). Nevermind the also very public slow-motion apocalypse that dragged on for the better half of three years after said glory times had drawn to an end. I should take some of it down, but I am a fan of snapshots. Every now and then, I go back and read what i wrote at that time and see how things were. taking it down now after so long would not only change my perceptions, but also wreck up the place with a form of censorship.

Fuck, none of that is making sense. drinking and typing woot woot. how about this: most of the "Me and Sparky" stuff will be private. my own little things I keep to myself. think Tom hanks in "saving private Ryan" and you'll get what i mean. I'm sure though, that will be be fucking hard to do once i move up there. Maybe this atrosity of a website/blog/whatEVA-I-DO-WHAT-I-WANT will turn into a U.S. Variation of a sort in time. who knows, but i'll try my best not to.

I am, however, bound by oath to say this for all the Internetzorz to see: Sparky kicked the everliving shit out of me at Tony Hawk Drunk and without even breaking a sweat. I, however, swore a lot and woke up Gma, who nearly devoured me in her robotic mouth-parts as i slumbered.

Anywho, less explaining and more yelling at clouds, weird shit and net memes, which is what you came here for AM I RITE?

I went with Hooter last saturday to Just One More and saw this band. i think i have cancer now, thanks to them.

You see, they did alright for the most part, so i'll give them that. I wasn't paying too much attention, as I was just along for the ride whilst Hooter played Catchup with her friends.

About 5 songs in, they played a god-awful version of "Closer" which made me want to kick newborns. But since that's assuredly illegal, I went and grabbed a beer to try and dull my senses. Hooter knew that despite how much of a rabid fan I am of Nails, that 1) I fucking hate that song after hearing it 12 kajillion times, and 2) I especially hate shitty covers of Nails songs and was having a laugh at my expense. I guzzle down a couple of stags, and try to forget, making nice with her friends. Then they played a bad version of "The Hand that Feeds", and found myself wishing I could have a heart attack and ruin the entire night as it had been done for me. Not too long after that, I made Hooter take me back to my car before I started knifing people at random.

I need to get up to Springfield soon. I have to the lay down a slap on Mick on Worms Armegeddon. YEAH YOU HEARD ME. CAPS LOCK IS K-RAD!

Okay, I think that's my quota for this one. enjoy. Another later today. I hope.


Yall don't know what it's like
Being male middle-class and white

Holy shit this is awesome!

Anyway, Got to make it quick. Got to enjoy my day off. Which is code for dorking out on warcraft of course.


Confidential to Brooke: yes. Thanks for stealing my thunder :)

Confidential to John LaTour: Extra lyrics not used in "All the Love in the World".

Confidential to ALL who buy lottery(both instants and numbers) and don't listen to What the hell i'm Saying : Stop buying lottery. If you aren't smart enough to read an instant to find out what the hell you're supposed to do, maybe you shouldn't be pissing your money away like that. more on this later.

And finally a lil something with some meat.


S: Sparks; LD=Me

LD: That's a long and complicated answer. yes they feel pain since they have a nervous system, but they're also bred to be disposable. I wouldn't be too worried about it. If i'm sitting outside and one ends up crawling on me, i'm killing the fucker.

S: Right, but I respect ants. the ones I kill probably have a family. but i'd rather not leave them wounded. it's not like they have a good health plan.

LD: I wouldn't worry about leaving lil orphan ants hon. Thier Social structure is a lil bit different than ours :)

S: It isn't different. Have you ever seen the movie Antz?

LD: No but i can tell that that's not real, noob. :)

S: It is too real. Back in the day, I was sitting out on the porch, and Antz was playing in the living room. I set my pop down on the table and there was a trail of ants right there on the table. it was a sign.

LD: 1. it's called soda. and 2. it's a sign that where you lived had poor pest control.

S: 3. Ants like to sit and watch stories about thier real life.

LD: 4. You are a fucking loon.

S: 5. Crazy chicks are awesome in bed, and 6. Guess who just upset the "provider of nookie" as you say?

LD: 7. I agree with 5, but 6 dosen't matter because 8. You're 5 hours away anyway. HA HA TEH WINNAR OF THA INTERNETS

S:9. I'm coming down next week, dumbass.

LD:Oh... yeah.

S:'teh winnar', eh?

LD: Uh... I'm sorry?

S:Dumbass

Riot girl
show me your truth

A robot rape happens every 26 seconds.

I think "The Atari Gangrape" would be the greatest band name ever.

with apologies to the former other Atari band , of course.

Bill Cosby Took some interesting pictures for his records back in the day.

If young people would get out and do the voting thing, Barak Obama would be president with all the hype he's got going.

I am not a political pundit though.

And the internet has been wrong before.

Just look at Snakes on a Plane.

Which I still haven't seen yet god damnit.

Oh, burn.

If you're going to call me ugly, you damn well better be a looker yourself.

I'm willing to bet my girlfriend is hotter than you anyway.

And what are you doing whistling at me in the middle of the night, anyway?

Skank.

Don't be a dick when I don't hear you order cigarettes when you mumble like you have a dick in your mouth.

Leatherface. You fakebaked too much.

Now you're ugly.

This makes me giggle.

Robot rape is always funny to me.

And the circle is completed, in short sentance stanzas.

Extreme, man. EXXXTRRREEEEEMMMMMEEEEEEE.

Black Light Rituals

A quick one. I'm on dayshift this week, and it's fucking with my thought processes.

Guy comes in last week while I'm eating. Buys some liquor, and decides to educate me on my dinner.

Now, I'm one of those people who dosen't like to talk much when I'm eating. I want to eat, enjoy it, and get it over with without too many people staring at me and going "Oh my god! that guy is disgusting! no wonder he's a fucking fatass!" When in an envrioment where there's almost no privacy(i.e. work), I tend to get defensive with my food. one guy nearly got shanked with a pen once, And I tend to literally growl like a dog when someone starts hovering near my food at work. Some would probably see that as being too aggressive, but I look at it this way: If you're stupid enough to stick your fingers in a fat kid's food when they're eating, then you deserve to lose a finger because he mistakens it for a floating hot dog.

Anyway, back to the story. I just want to get back to sucking on the chicken bones like a ghoul, but the retarded offspring of Richard Simmons and Humpty Dumpty is standing there I guess trying to be funny and smart.

"Hey, did you know that KFC puts hormones in thier food that causes impotency in men? Hope you didn't want any kids!" He says matter-of-factly with a "Heh heh, fatass" look on his face.

Smirk. "Thanks for the heads up." Then a cold expression washes over my face. "Oh, by the way, that pint of Calvert you buy daily? Liv-ver fail-ure. Have a good one." Nod.

And I did exactly what I wanted to do - Turned back to licking the marrow of the poor chicken who was murdered for my fast-food feast. Yum.

Oh yeah, did anyone read the Letters to the Editor in the southern today? go read it the Last letter. I wish I was that... talented.



I hate to be the bearer of bad news
But you're gonna die

I had to go pay a seat belt ticket today because I don't believe in the nanny-state laws and usually don't wear mine. I still don't believe that I should have to wear a seat belt, especially when cyclists don't have to wear anything more than a pair of shades in the state of Illinois. that's not the point I want to dive into right now though. that's a whole other can of worms and I'm not here to piss off the bikers today. I'm here to piss off the local government since they succeeded in putting me in such a sour mood.

For those who aren't as intimate with the Franklin County courthouse as I am, let me sum it up for you. You have a courthouse, right smack dab in the middle of a junction of three state highways that create a one way "circle"(but the town calls it a square, figure that one out) that is basically a fucked up counterclockwise one-way street that has NO stop or yield signs. Not a one of 'em.

Driving The square itself depends on a honor system of cars letting other cars in and out of the square. This sucks already because people are assholes and have to be at more important places than you, such as going to wal-mart to buy a 30 fucking cases of cheap tampons and twelve packs of balongna, or going to the Circle K to buy a soda with a coupon and then return it so you have enough money to go buy some meth other whatever. If you're going to the courthouse, well, good luck with that. If you don't want to hoof it across the usually busy square and get your hip shattered by way of a soccermom-driven Ford Expedition, you can park right at the courthouse which basically puts your parked car at the mercy of some idiot who thinks that any empty space in the square means that he/she/it can drive through there to get to said destination that is much more important than yours.

Up to this point, I'm handling it okay. I'm even cool with paying a fine to a law that I disagree with and willingly broke. It's when I step past the guard after nodding hello and into the courthouse that things end up pissing me off.

I step up to the metal detector and start emptying my pockets to pass through. The guard at this point has come in from his court-appointed smoke break or something and sees that I am obviously carrying dangerous contraband: A cell phone. at this point it's time for him to rub his big dick in my face.

"You can't bring that in here!"

"Huh?" Turning around to meet whoever is behind me.

"You can't bring cell phones in the courthouse." he says sternly.

"I thought the sign said 'No cell phones or purses in the court room'?"

"Exactly. No cell phones. You'll have to take that back out to your car."

"But I'm not going-"

"Where are you going?"

Sigh. "The traffic court office."

He huffs. "Fine. you can go ahead and take it this time but don't bring it in here ever again!"

"Alright, fine. Sorry." I scowl, dropping the dangerous weapon into the tray as I pass through the detector. My belt and pant rivets immediately set off the alarm. At this point I'm thinking since I just got the third degree, and Having been in an airport in the last couple years, that means I should start taking off my shoes and wait for someone to wand me. Also, I should probably start relaxing my sphincter so the finger dosen't hurt as much.

"Go on through, go on through." He waves me on.

I grab my stuff, head into the office, pay my ticket, and walk right back out there, not even bothering to stop when I, without fail, set off the alarm once again. Except this time Barney Fife isn't around to make sure I didn't steal the secret pot 'o gold hidden within the cavernous depths of the hell known as Franklin County Courthouse.


Now, what the fuck is wrong with this picture? I get read the riot act for walking into the courthouse for a goddamn cellphone when I wasn't even going into a courtroom, but I set off the metal detector and don't even get so much as a fucking patdown? Good job there, Johnny Security. If I had bombs concealed in my baggy carhartts, that place would have been dust. But at least I couldn't have called my jihad buddies in Afganistan and let them know I was about to blow up a rinky-dink courthouse in the middle of Southern Bumfuck Illinois for allah, since I got totally busted for that. God bless America, we stopped teh terrerists!

Seriously, I'm not bashing cops in general here, I'm just pissed at one in particular. I'm not arguing that cellphones should be allowed in the court room either. Appearantly, me and the courthouse are in total agreement as to how fucking annoying they are. But to hassle me for bringing it in when I wasn't even going to court, and then to not even bother to check me for dangerous weapons when I do set off the detector is a serious fucking dichotomy in security.

So, my mission is clear. Never have another reason to go back there. Next time I'm mailing my goddamn ticket in.


I'm the police and I'm in charge
You don't like it get the f--- outta Dodge

*Crack of knuckles*

Let's see. Recap. Sort of.

First and foremost, I am a 70 now. fear me for soon I shall deal out butthurt aplenty for the lulz with my imaginary bad ass self.

Work has continued to be work. sometimes it's okay, most of the time it's ruined by the grating sound of some of our most "prescious" customers walking in. Sorry. I meant "retards who should consider sterilization".

You know how every so often people kick around ideas that there should be a license for parenting? well, I have a similar idea with Being allowed to drink.

"But Livingdead", you begin to whine, "You do sort of kinda get a license to dirnk when you turn 21! isn't that enough?" BZZZZT. WRONG. GO BACK THREE SPACES AND LOSE YOUR TURN.

You see, I believe it should be less an age restraint and more of a merit-based thing that allows you to drink. More Specifically, you have to line up before a panel of judges who construct a trial to determine wheter or not one would be granted a license to drink. This would, in theory, let in generally fair minded people who would then be invited afterwards to enjoy thier first legal beer at the country club golf course with the judge to rock it in with style. Those who are generally socially retarded to begin with(i.e., buy beer instead of food or paying rent, act like a total dumbass without being intoxicated, or have multiple felonies) would be given a swift kick in the sack and sent along the way to go beat thier baby's momma or go do some low-grade meth or whatever. Also, hopefully I would get a sweet well-paying job on said panel and ruin all kinds of people's fun because sometimes, being a wet blanket for the masses is fun, dickheaded thing to do.

It's just a thought, But I got a couple samples of trial questions hashed out.

SQ1. When drinking, which is NOT okay to do?

a) Laugh heartily at a joke

b) Play a rousing game of asshole

c) Start a riot

d) Get trashed, beat your wife, get the neighbors to call the police on the you, then try to cash a two-party paycheck at a liquor store to bail out your wife, who, by the looks of it, Railed the shit out of you instead, and then act all pissy when they don't cash said two-party payroll check.

SQ2. What, in your opinion, constitutes "Too Much to drink"?

a) Getting a bit too light-headed from all the swill you call "beer".

b) "Pulling the trigger"(i.e. vomiting) in a bar after taking your ninth shot of Jager.

c) Choking up a Liquid Cocaine shot all over the barcounter, then meekly asking for a bartowel in front of a dozen seasoned drinkers who now think you are a total pansy.

d) Defecating and urinating in your sleep all over your very expensive sheets you bought because you wanted to impress that lady you see at the bar every week if you got the chance to take her home, but you notice the entire left-half of her teeth are rotted away, so you drink yourself into a complete stupor to forget the pain of being utterly alone.

SQ3. Bobby, Sam and Gina have 10 dollars each. they go to the supermarket to purchase alcohol for a party they are having. which is the proper way to buy alcoholic supplies for everyone?

a) Pool resources together and buy a 3 1.75's of cheap liquor. everybody gets smashed, good times are had. except for that one asshole who complains about how his colon is "intolerant to hard liquor", whom you will remember never to invite over again.

b) Buy a shit ton of cheap swill beer which everyone will complain about, but drink anyway.

c) Ask Gina to "Perform a favor" to get free booze to save money, even though she is clearly on the rag, has questionable mouth sores, and is underage for sexual relations.

d) Buy supplies for yourself, go back to the party and tell them to buy thier own goddamn alcohol.

SQ4. Is it okay to be a discourteous to the person serving you alcohol?

a). No. there is no reason to be uncourteous to someone who is working in customer service, as "the golden rule" is in play.

b) Yes. They're probably a tool anyway, and is going to complain on the internet about how much of a douche I'm being to them, so it all evens out.

c) No, Because the person serving me alcohol is my Current lord and master, and such divine creatures do not take kindly to any shennagians us mere mortals may attempt to pull. they are the Gatekeepers, and the Keyholders to the promised land.

d) FUCK THAT ASSHOLE! GIVE ME MY GODDAMNED BEER! IT'S MY CONSTIPATIONAL RIGHT TO DRINK!

Now, I do my best to be a socially responsible drinker(BWAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA), but as it were, I would most likely fail my own rigid standards of the drinking exam. Naturally, i would do the responsible thing: say 'Fuck the System' for keeping a black man like me down, and drink illegally. that'll learn 'em.


Brainwashed with the hallucinagenics in my system

I'm back, bitches. not more shitty stoires and nonposts an vogon poetry and leaving you all hanging as to what is going on in my boring as fuck life.

more later. i must drink. it hath been a shitty week. i speaketh like old tyme kingsy fun timey.



hey by the way, thanks for going to go see my Movie. Drunk shitty MSPaintshop to make up for a month of THREE milktoast postings! LAUGH FUCKERS LAUGH DANCE MAGIC DANCE I'M A GODDAMN DAVID BOWIE IN MYT PANTS

later, eighties-style.



We learn dances
Brand new dances
Like the nuclear bomb

I found a story I wrote when I was 15. you decide whether or not I should put it up.

Rebuild. Redesign. Reforge. Reload.

Defend. Dominate. Destroy.

Unyielding. Unafraid.

Conquering.

View the source

Put in a lot of work this last week. Barely had time to sleep it seemed. Wanted to put this up a couple of days ago, but time just wasn't with me on this one.

It's July, and vetran readers know what that means - time for me to eschew my regular updates(regular? more like constipation) and do what about whatever the hell I want for the sake of being artistic. Well, that's what I tell myself anyway. Got some things I want to do, and maybe a little suprise or two. Maybe a callback. who knows, maybe I'll just get really trashed and post complete gibberish and lolcats and say in a snooty voice "It's ART!"

For those of you who don't really want to check out these kinds of updates, I would highly suggest checking out the archives during this time(skipping the July ones, of course). That is, if you haven't been doing so already because of my horrible updating schedule for the past two months.

Regular updates(as in doing what I usually do, i.e. Bitch about work, life, or anything else that I find irritating when I finally sit down and hammer one of these things out) will resume in August. hopefully, teh funnay will return with them.


I trust you will tell me if I am making a fool of myself

I wanted to post this like, two weeks ago, but I seem to be having all kinds of trouble keeping up on a regular basis. I hate not staying regular this this stuff because i end up forgetting anything cool that has happened in the past week. The ast thing I want you to do is think that I am ignoring you. I'm really not trying to, I'm just having problems with time.


So, the reunion came and went. Nothing special to talk about. I got trashed, and ended up getting talked into going out to cotton's, which lasted for about ten minutes. I had a bottle of water while I was out there, and called in a chip for someone to come get me as I was uncomfortably Drunk(i.e. I was about to eject all that prescious beer I drank). Was good to see people I haven't seen in a long time, and i wish i would have had the foresight to get some phone numbers off of people so I could call them up at drunk o' clock in the morning.



Okay, I'm lying. There is something that did happen at the reunion that I was glad that happened.


I settled the past with a couple.


It had been something that has been more or less unsaid for about the last six months to a year, but we went ahead and made it offical. I always imagined it being much more cataclysmic as that seems to be my style with dealing with exes, but it really wasn't. there was catching up with each other families, how shitty our old places of work are becoming, lamenting on how Brandocrap dosen't work further south, how much i miss playing spades and getting fucked over by said Brandocrap, all intersparced with much needed doses of getting shit off my chest, burying the axe and starting the process of letting it rust.


cybrpunk is doing some zombie fiction of his own. I'm waiting for day 3. maybe if all three of my faithful go over there, he'll keep with it. come on readers, I feed on this zombie stories and if Neil had any other way than paypal, I would totally have long since made my donation to up my allowed reads per week. Anyway, boring shit for the most of you, I'm sure.


Once again had a run-in with another guy who was helping the poor people who are stuck in the 3rd world country of Japan. This time, I didn't get asked if I knew where Japan was, though. Still had the same flier with LARGE INSPIRATIONAL WORDS on it, though. No chintzy bracelets this time, though.

Since I'm running familar ground, I'm going to go ahead and call North a flat-out liar(P.S. I like you, seriously), as No ID girl came in yet again and failed to produce an ID. Except now she's almost 23 and can't believe that I'm still carding her. boo fucking hoo. If she would have had her ID this would all be done and over with by now, but carrying an ID in her white trash daisy dukes along with her cash is appearantly too fucking complicated of a concept for her. Or, MAYBE she's a Sleeper Cell terrorist that is looking to bomb the Rend Lake Dam now that the lake has become a Wonder of Illinois, complete with David Phelps and Ken Gray singing God Bless America. Which I don't understand at all. I mean, I get why Gray was there, and politicians in general, but WTF with the patriotic hymn? I mean, God and Jesus didn't create it, it's man-made. poorly, I might add. but hey, it's drinkable and it gives me a place to go when I'm pissed off and want to be alone. I'll save my "I'm not a Lake Engineer but this is FUBAR'd" critique for another blog.


ANYWAY, back to NO ID girl, If I knew her name(which I don't because, well, you should be able to figure that out), I'd totally nominate her for the female catagory of the 1st annual " Livingdead's Customers Who Deserve Centipedes in thier Vagina and/or Dickhole" award. I already have a very good front runner for the Female category though with another demonic bitch of a customer. Maybe she's a shemale and I need to expand my categories. Anyone willing to take one for the team and find out? I won't tell if you won't.



Also, remember the 90's flowchat? I found out where that came from. Go check it out if you're into geek humor and stick figures. I'll stick it into Linkage soon enough. as soon as I find time. Also, photo album is seriously needing to be added(which I know by now is turning into a long running joke, but like Zapp Brannigan, I do plan to finish someday).

As Commentors know, I had to turn on the "approval required" option for commenting a while back to combat blog spam. I'm cautiously glad to report that i haven't been spammed at all in the last week and a half. I would love nothing more than to let down the gaurd and allow anything to go through without approval, but before I do... I want to hear how anyone else who has had this problem has been faring. I know most people on bloghorn have thiers taken care of almost automagically, but if you run a blog and could spare some time to drop a comment or an email, let me know.

boy, did I go on a rambling yarn. covered a lot of ground. Time for sleepzors. Or warcraftzors. or further hacking apart my chocolatezors. Or maybe doing something useful with all the spare computer parts I got laying around. Zors.


America
FUCK YEAH
Coming again to save the mother fucking day yeah

I'm working on a real update, but when I came home and jumped online, I saw the news that turned a ho-hum day into a shitty day. And it isn't right to just sit by and not have my own way of expressing my sorrow for the passing of who I consider a great man of several generations.

Whenever I got up too early for cartoons on saturday morning, or when G.I. Joe and He-Man wasn't on, I always ended up flipping over to the Nick channel to see if there was any cool experiments I could try. Granted, Gma or Mom would invariably yell at me for making a mess and that I shouldn't be playing around with baking soda and vinegar because I could get the vapors, or I'm wasting a banana by cutting it up inside it's skin and there are starving kids in China who wouldn't dream of wasting thier food, but that's how it goes when you're a kid: You do cool shit and learn stuff while your parents yell at you for doing it because you're a kid and obviously up to no good. This man planted the seed, we just copied his actions, and we didn't need a damn disclaimer to tell us that we could get hurt because we were hardcore like that, thank you very much.

Anyway, pour a 40 for the man who taught you science better than your junior high teacher ever could.






May all your days be gold

with the exception of being a bit tired and worn out, i am happy.

yeh. go read that again. Livingdead said he's happy. what the fuck?

Here's a couple of reasons.

I got to see sparky. Always a good start.

I'm on day two of my three day off stretch from work. which is fucking awesome. i made sure to buy my supplies so i wouldn't have to stop in for anything. after being there for 11 days in a row, i needed an out.

I finally got a new phone, a Chocolate, no less. And i'm hacking the shit out of it, thanks to a little help. I never plan on buying shitty ringtones or wallpaper ever again. Next time verizon, try offering better selection than Fergie, Timberlake, and 50 cent, Coldplay, and Akon. and fuck your stupid wallpaper, too.


Lastly, today is National Day of Slayer. I don't even like Slayer, but any holiday that advocates full-scale rioting is okay by me.

Now, since i sent a txt msg to Sparks that consisted of the word 'bomb' and selling kidneys the other day, I had better settle for causing trouble in the virtual world for today. and for what it's worth to me, that'll do, pig. That'll do.


Remain calm
I'm coming to your house to kill you

chillin with the D-O-double-G and Gee Oh Dee,
drinking V.S.O.P.
on the LBC
Boyz II Men
ABC
BBD
the East coast family!

plagurizing two different genres of early 90's music will not get me into The Source anytime soon.



I've been off work for an hour and a half and i'm well on my way to getting trashed. I'm working crazy hours this week and bringing in mad duckets, Yo. WTF ever happened to that arcade place? anyway, so while the manager is away, i'm on dayshift. this should be easy, right? well. sort of. first off, there's a giant burning ball in the sky that instantly gets me grumbling on my way to work. today wasn't so bad, as it was overcast. i was still grumbling, as i had closed the night before and didn't get out till 1am. this isn't always a problem, but I had to be there to open at 7:45, which turns getting out late into a litnany of 'fucks' from yours truly.

today I had probbaly four main things to accomplish without burning the store down accidentally or otherwise. things that once you sit down and get to it(or if you've done it a jajillion times before), should only take you about an hour. it took me seven. everytime i would get started and timidly step into the exciting world of entering product into inventory into our venerable database, I would get a customer. one would lead to two, and two into four, and pretty soon you have fucking tribbles and gremlins all over the goddamn place. every time I would finish one P.O, i'd get another delivery, and each company doesn't exactly have carbon-copy invoices. forms. sheets that stuff is on. whatever.

so back to hunt and pecking in what we got from whomever, doing everything i can to keep from entering in 5000 cases of grenadine @ 2999.99 cost. Then the customers come back in, and once again, I have fucking tribbles and gremlins.

so yeah. I will say that i needed the break from my regulars. last night i had another run in with No id girl and i wanted to chokefuck her with a broken everclear bottle because i'm a really horrible person and wish such things on people sometimes.

I would fully support a law that would allow anyone in retail the ability to shoot someone in the crotch once a day with a taser with no reprucussions. people would be a hell of a lot nicer if there was the chance that the person behind the counter hadn't used thier daily freebie. but since i live in the land of pussies and we just passed a law that bans indoor smoking in public places(except casinos, of course. they make money for the state and a majority of patrons there smoke, so they're cool. which is fucking horseshit), i don't see that ever becoming a reality. don't bother commenting, emailing, or flaming me about my stance on the smoking issue. you're not going to chance my mind, and I'll just think you're an even bigger pussy. you win. I get it. I can't actively kill you anymore. I'll get over it or I'll find another way.

I like Edgy Eft, but I am ready to take a ride on the Fiesty Fawn. anyone got an opinon on it yet?

Anyway, So most of you got to meet Sparky at Bradley's Wedding(which was awesome, by the way), and i apologize for not getting face time with everyone and doing formal introductions. she's Shy and I have a track record about as good as my updating routine of late about doing the introduction thing. I don't think she's going anywhere, so you'll get your chance, I am sure.

Fuck. I just ruined a brand new tie in the wash. god damn it.

goddamn this hacker pschorr is fucking awesome.



i really want to write more, but now that i am rather soundly sloshed, i'm going to go get on WoW and spam "WTB 2 man suicide Molten Core run" on the channels. or get on as my hot blood elf and promise virtual sex for gold. wait. that's second life. or something like that. Maybe i'll kill more people In GTA liberty city stories. I don't care. I'm drunk enough to where i'm ready to fright someone, rip thier nuts off, eat them raw, then shit them down said person's throat. All you motherfuckers are gonna pay. You are the ones who are the ball-lickers. I told u I was hardcore.


And there you have it. Yet another xoxxed.com, The art of Self-Destruction, Livingdead's Blog, what the fuck ever you call it, update. Made in Fucking Southern Illinois. Fucking made in Southern Illinois. Made in Southern Fucking Illinois. Made in Southern Illinois fucking.



Erase me

So, Me and Sparky go out for Lunch the other day, then head out ot the beach. it was good times. on the way back so I can go to work, I see I have something crawling up my forearm.

"Holy shit!"

"What?"

"a ladybug! a red one!"

"oh?"

"yeah, I haven't seen a red one in like, five years!"

I then go full into biology geek mode on and explain how the Asian variant that was brought in for pest control and had displaced the native species. she nods and tells her own story of dealing with ladybugs in the winkter back up north. She's awesome like that.

Heh. displacer beast. talking about ladybugs made me think about that for some reason.

then I go to work. Which pretty much sucked. Some jackass rang the bell three times, I told him to hold on twice as I was with other customers who where there before him. Then when i finally get to him, all he want's is a fucking pack of Dorals. THEN, the fucker paid in change. Yeah, I'm so Sorry that i didn't get to you Sooner, Rich Uncle Pennybags. now I'm in rant mode.



we have certain customers who come in asking for North. North is friendly and talkative, I am not. He's better known in the area because he went to school with a lot of the younger customers. unfortunately, a lot of the people who come in who ask for him are complete douchebags about it. this in turn, makes me resent North sometimes. but remind myself that North's a good guy. It's the customers that he knows that are pricks.

Example conversation:

drive thru bell rings.

"how can i help you?"

"I GOT SIX DOLLARS!"

sigh. take a breath, and answer. don't be a smartass.

"and what do you want with that?"

"I WANT YOU TO COME HERE!"

Deep breath. Fists are balling up. Urge to kill rising.


I try to keep my poker face, but my voice betrays me as I open the window.

"....Yes?"


"is North working tonight?"

"I wish he was, because he would be taking your order and you wouldn't be asking me stupid questions and barking orders at me like I'm your goddamned lapdog, you bald-headed prick."

ooops. Let me retry that.

sigh. "no, he's not. if he was, I wouldn't be here."


then there's the "No id" girl. I've wrote about her before, but she's still amusing to me when she tries to pull bullshit.

"I don't have my ID, But North Knows me, So you have to sell to me."

"I have to do what?"

"You have to sell to me. Or else I'll tell North you didn't and you'll be in trouble. I'm in good with him."

"I don't have to do shit if you don't have an ID."

"what?"

"And for the record, I'm North's Superior. He has to Listen to Me."

"This is such bullshit!. I'm 22!"

"It's not my Fault you sucked off the wrong person on the Totem Pole."

"what did you say? I didn't suck nobody off!"

"It's called a Metaphor."

"i'm not a whore!"

"oh my fucking god... I said Metaphor. M-E-T-A-P-H-O-R."



And a final one for the faithful.

Guy comes in, tries to buy. No id.

Sends girlfriend in. has ID. She's pissy because she has get her ass out of the car to buy it. Wah.

"You do know he's almost 30, right?"

"no, I don't know. You know why?"

"why?"

"becuase he didn't have his ID."

"Well I can assure you he's almost fucking 30. I know becuase I'm his girlfriend."

"well I can assure you that Brad Pitt is gay because we have sex regularly. Also, me and Jesus Skate together a lot at the rink. See how that works?"


she didn't have much to say after that.



If you control my heart will you control my brain?
If I give in to you
will it still feel the same?

Not mine, but I thought you might like it.


A real update soon. when I get time to.

I don't remember finding the time to update being this hard in the past. I'm sure there's other reasons.


Anyway. Enjoy.




White Castle fries only come in one size

Here is a some random shit i have been mulling over the past week, but haven't posted because i'm an asshole.


I kicked Brandocrap's ass 30 different ways in Wii-Play friday night. I absolutely murdered him in Laser Hockey and Shooting range. if me and brandocrap were inmates, and Wii-play was the prison, i'd totally be top dog right now. Don't even bother to listen to his half-ass excuse of how he was the one who owned me. My Gma was there. she saw it. The Only people who ever called my Gma a fibber died instantly when she gave her own version of the Medusa gaze.

then we played Taito Legends on my PS2 saturday. which I had fun, but someone was still pissed about losing and kept Shooting hostages in Space gun so we never got anywhere. the rest of the games were meh. I do want to go back and play Ninja Kids again though. that game has more laugh-a-minute appeal than anything i can remember in recent history.






Strength. For when I may not have it.

this dark path I have walked, I no longer fear. Some still do. some think this is not my calling. I know Now this is my path. this is what i was born, bred, and willing to die for. I no longer fear what lays in the darkness for me, for the darkness I no longer fear. My demons, my imperfections have become my weapons.

I will no longer be subdued, controlled, or kowtowed by what I think holds me back.

The darkness now fears me. as it should.

As it should always have been.




And here is what i am posting tongiht, as in stuff that has happened currenttly for me(i.e. Stuff that is actually interesting to read)


An actual conversation at Cotton's tonight that took place. I went because i was assured that two people that i knew were going to be there. also, i'm a people watcher and love to see drama. it's like my own free soap opera:

"hey babay, you look pretty sexy in that tie."

"thanks. it's what I wear to work."

"oh my, you must work a pretty nice job."

"no, i sling liquor, but I like to look nice for the customers."

"you don't even rememer who I am, do you?"

"i have no idea who tyhe hell you are. . I have one of those faces anyway, and I would swear that i've never seen you before tonight."

pause. contemplating.

"do you have any kids?"

"nope. made it this far without any, don't plan on having any yet. Do you?"

"yeah, I got one."

"cool. being a mother is a very positive thing i hear.

"want to be a daddy?"

"uh, what? Sorry, i'm H.O.H."

"what?"

I'm hard of hearing. what did you say?"

"I said.... Do you want to be a daddy?"

"uhm, No, not really. not that i wouldn't mind practicing, but I'm already locked up at the moment, sorry."

"what?"

"I said I am Dating someone. I don't think she would like it very much if i went and practiced without her knowing. or withour her, even. "

"OH, well i'll catch you later then."

"you do that. I'm going to keep drinking my Stag."


hmm. Guess you'll have to see what i mean by that.

that is, if you even give a damn as to what I mean.




I've been gone so long
so gone so long

It's that time of year, spring is here, weddings are just around the corner, Love is in the air and blah blah blah all that hanky-panky bullshit. Also, I'm counting how many times I'm going to hear "man it sure is NICE outside today!"

I understand the need to make small talk, but come the fuck on.

Yes, thank you for pointing out the fact that I suck at life and have to serve you while you get to go out and enjoy the day with your baby's momma or what the fuck ever. I can't wait for my day off so i can come to your business and point out that I get the day off and YOU don't. And if that don't work, I'm going to piss in all of your plants. if there are no plants, I will simply piss on your counter/desk/in a corner.

Also, if you happen to suffer from this, I wouldn't tell people that you hear "voices" that tell you to play certain instant lottery tickets. I won't think you are gifted with a special power. I will think you are dangerously batshit crazy.

STOP RINGING THE FUCKING BELL. WE KNOW YOU ARE THERE. WE ARE BUSY AND TOLD YOU TO HOLD ON. OH, YOU'RE REAL FUCKING FUNNY. I HOPE YOU GET CENTIPEDES IN YOUR DICKHOLE.

I got a chance to go on a date - with a woman who was prolly only about 10 years younger than Moms. I declined. I should probably be thankful that anyone even looked at me in that fashion, but it honestly didn't help my morale much.

The Promise Keepers are having some sort of convention around here. I only know this because I saw the ad on TV. It only caught my attention because it also used Nirvana's "Come as you are" as a slogan. Good luck with that.

Got something in the mail today: My 10-Year Reunion notice. Awesome. I only really want to go to find out if this one girl in my class got really hot and turned into a porn star. otherwise, it just serves as a marker as to where I should have been and where I am now. I was really hoping I would be going to this shindig and not be almost exactly where i was when i was 18. I should have been married by now. I should have graduated school by now. I should have had a decent job by now instead of being a wage slave. I should have been more than what I am now. Coulda. Woulda. Shoulda. Nothing I can do about it now except buck the fuck up.

Anyone know any local escort services? Preferably, ones that I don't have to pay in meth? wedding season's here, the reunion, and all that rot. Maybe I'm kidding, Maybe I'm not.


WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP RINGING THE GODDAMNED BELL?




Crumbling images
No longer comfort me

Alright, how about something with a bit of meat on it? Since I've done a bang-up job of updating so much this month. Also, I guilted myself into doing another update due to the horrible spelling in the last one and i'm feeling too lazy to go back and correct it for now, So lets' stick with the Muzaks theme.

So What new music am I waiting with bated breath Now?

Well, If any record Execs are listening, You could do me a huge Favor by getting MAssive Attack and Portishead to Hurry the Hell up with those new albums already. Manson's coming out with a new album, Heard A track off of it, Can't say I'm sold yet. time will tell.

While we're Building castles in the sky, Lets Get the Rentals on that "I really want to hear something new from them" List I got going. Fuck it, Throw Ruby on there, too. Are you listening, Lesley Rankine? come out of retirement plzkthxbye.

Anyway, hypothetical, political, lyrical, miracle whip. I got nothing more than humpty for you, appearantly.

Well, time to prepare for my weekend of not doing anything cool. Hope you kids going to Chi-town have a good one. Wish i could have made it. Logistics just weren't going to work, though.


Count down to the end
Gotta make it come faster

Year Zero review by a rabid fan, done in five words or less. i'd go deeper, but you should listen to it for yourself and most of you aren't really fans anyway. And i'm trying to keep teh fanboyism at a low level. also, That show i don't watch is coming on.



Hyperpower: kickass guitars, the new pinion.

The beginning of the end: new concert intro, i'll bet.

Survivalism: You've probably heard it already.

The Good Soldier: groovy Xylophones.

Vessel: Least favorite song.

Me, I'm Not: anticipation via electionic beats.

Capital G: YOu wish you were me.

My Violent Heart: Dude, I'm A rebel!

The Warning: E.T., The Harbinger of Apocalypse.

God Given: Heaven, No colored people alowed.

Meet Your Master: Die, rebel Scum!

The Greater Good: Drug Trip Song. Awesome Beat.

The Great Destroyer: Trent goes apeshit on synths.

Another Version of the Truth: Solace at Ragnarok. Wasteland instrumental.

In this Twilight: Dying and lamenting.

Zero-Sum: Boy, did we fuck up!



Step aside
Out the way
Wipe that look off your face

For lack of a better medium, i chose different pictures off the internets.

This is what is usually running through my head at any given moment. not all to weird, considering.


And this is what happens when you end up having to work a full shift on an hour and a half of sleep because you were dicking around in Second life and you don't have enough goddamn sense to go to bed when you get home from work.

need beers and women will crash soon anyways this is a sucky friday night this update sucks.

I've got to look outside again
And wonder where I have gone

Work is work.
I nearly renounced my Atheism on account of a customer who just wouldn't leave.
I really have to try to like people sometimes.
Love life sucks, still and seemingly forever.
My Walls have been rebuilt.
Spent 5000 fake dollars gambling in my fake life.
I lost 20 bucks of my very real money.
That was a bad idea.
I wanted to do an April Fool's Update.
I didn't have time.
Next Year, flag semaphore.
Maybe.
Brandocrap would shove Jesus for A chance with Kari Byron.
I would murder all of you if I had the same chance.
Or even for a passable look-a-like.
I'm Morally Questionable.
I don't mind that so much anymore.
My Throskie is only a 63 :( and wears outdated gear.
Year Zero is absoludicriously fucking awesome.
You knew I would say that.
Alanis Morissete does My Humps.
you've probably Seen it.
Tori Amos does Raining Blood.
You should hear the Classic first.
I'm a future 419 Scam victim.
I could go on and on.
Getting the fuck outta here on a one day trip.
All work and no play something something something.



Here, I Haven't done one of these in nearly forever. Enjoy.

Read/Watch/Listen/Play:

Promise of the Witch-King; R.A. Salvatore.
300; Gerard Butler, Rodrigo Santoro, Vincent Regan.
Collected; Massive Attack.
God of War 2; Sony Computer Entertainment of America.




Nothing's right if you ain't here
I'd give all that i have just to keep you near

So, Because my first life pretty much sucks in just about every imaginable way, shape, and form, I have Joined up at Second Life.

I got pushed into getting a basic account as two of my very good friends abroad were having a Virtual Wedding and i was the best man.
I Was honestly a bit skeptical about picking up yet another addiction, since i was going good to feed my Warcraft addiction maybe two days a week and didn't need anymore distractions from my life as it were right now. Yeah, well, we can see how well that held up, considering recent events.

So, with a day and a half to the wedding, I signed up.

Now, the Best way I can explain Second life is that it is a cross between The Sims and the internet, Only before I got jaded with it with advertisements, Pronography, tubgirl, lemonparty, and spam. I get to run around in a virtual world dress my avatar in such clothes I would never actually wear or could afford, go to Dance clubs, gamble with what money was given to me(goddamn you SLINGO), Look at naken avatars, and buy virtual sex.

You think Third-world hookers are cheap? YOu can virtually fuck the virtual shit out of a virtual hooker in SL for the sum of 900 Linden dollars, which roughly equals out to maybe $3.50 US. wanna do a line of coke? 100 lindens(60 cents) nets you all the virtual snow you'll ever need. You can get a virtual job that pays you virtual money, Buy Lindens with your very Real money, and blow it all pimping out your 'tar or exploring the depths of sleaze that being digitally rich comes with it. Wanna hand out with Stalinist Furries and bash the Nazi Furries? you can do that. Gay Yiff? Yup. hardcore Vampire-Robot sex? it's all yours. how about a showdown at high noon? Yes, there are weapons in SL and we aren't afraid to use them.




So, to recap:

Dirt cheap Hookers
Drugs(they affect your avatar's behavior)
Gambling
Guns
Jobs
Night clubs
Not as many retards as there are on the internets
An escape from my shitty first life

So now I'm a paid subscriber and waiting for my weekly welfare check of 300 Lindens to hurry the fuck up and get into my grubby avatar's hands already so I can buy a virtual penis so I can get back to having glorified animated GIF Sex with the pretty ladies down in Hard alley with a better penis than the one I currently have.


By the way, the wedding was awesome. and the reception was pretty damn cool too, but I don't remember much of it as I was drinking myself stupid in the real world. hey, you have your coping mechanisms, I have mine.


There's no telling what we'll do when we're free
And you may as well crash with me

Ohh
Can't anybody see?
We've got a war to fight
Never found our way
Regardless of what they say

How can it feel this wrong?
From this moment
How can it feel this wrong?

Storm.. in the morning light
I feel
No more can I say
Frozen to myself

I got nobody on my side
And surely that ain't right

Surely that ain't right

Ohh
Can't anybody see?
We've got a war to fight
We've Never found our way
Regardless
Of what they say

How can it feel
This wrong?
From this moment
How can it feel
This wrong?

How can it feel, this wrong?
This moment
How can it feel, this wrong?

Ohh
Can't anybody see
We've got a war to fight
I've never found our way
Regardless of what they say

How can it feel
This wrong?
From this moment
How can it feel
This wrong?


Portishead - Roads

A mini-update for the loyal.


things still suck. Nothing really to talk about.

In the meantime, you should watch this.



They'll come soon
I keep waiting
And I wait

Not a lot of sense to be made in this post. empty sounds of hate, i suppose.


This is what it has come to. Emotions, Moderatedly-Priced beer and rancid wine has brought me to this level.


I done what i can to heal. I have bled, lost, and worn the scars i have brought upon myself. AS one of my favorite games WHICH YOU MOTHERFUCKERS WHO PLAY GAMES SHOULD CHECK OUT has said "Endure. in enduring, grow strong."

I have grown tired of such endeavors.


I have bled till my veins run dry and it mattered not. I have and am enduring all that has been thrown my way. I have loved, lost(by my own accord), and tried to make sense of what is supposed to come next, and been told that "this too shall pass". Frankly, I am tired of being told to wait till when it is my time to come back again. Constanhtly i am reminded of when i will have my day and never seeing even a glimpse of such promised light. I endure. and i wait. I wait with such baited breath for some sense to make of it all. I hope beyond hope that it will make sense in the end. But as i am only human, i have run out of patience.

I have tried to believe that someone, no matter how horrible and worthless they are, is worth a second chance to another. I can't belive it anymore. I can only believe, much like the lifetime convict, How ironic or ironicly fitting that i sti;; be held accountable for what i have done in the past.


This whole situtation is fucking ironic and ties into the past that still ahunts me so much. it seems sometimes that i am the nonly one that thinks of what has passed to influence tha present. is that so wrong? IS it really such a crime to remember what you have done influence what you do now? Maybe most wouldsay that such things do not matter, but it does to me. I can't seem to escape it, even if i wished to bury it under a ton of dirt.

I opened myself up so such things, and have no one to blame for it but myself. and still it hurts. Yo uspend so much time sealing yourslef off to the rest of the world after failing so horribly. You activley tell other that would offer you comfort in the hurricane that you are in that you aren't right for them, you begin to lose even the slightest sympathy or joy for anyone else.

I opened up for someone a while ago and i have been scorned for another. appearantly for someone who isn't as emotionally damaged or is prettier or is some kind of status booster or is just plain cooler than i am. I still appearantly am still paying for mistakes i made so long ago. how much more do i have to bleed for what i have done Wrong? i feel like i am paying twice over for what i've done once.

Is this dark path all i was bred for?
Is this all there is?
is this what I am supposed to be?

these, and othger questions can only be answered By those who I am the most reluctant to ask. It means swallowing all pride and Going back to what seems to be the source of all of this. It means2 delving into feelings i have done my goddamndest to bury inside of me.

I means going back to the light, and all that i hate. Going back to that specific crux that so much hung on. That part that hurts in so many ways still to this day.


and no, it is isn't God, Jesus, or the holy spirit or whatever invisible sky wizard you want to invoke.


and a preemptive fuck you for even suggesting or thinking i should turn to religion for my answers.



Now i wake to find
There's nothing left of me and her
Nothing more
Than a heart still at war

Eating week-old pizza for breakfast, while it may not kill you, isn't a good thing. My Tummy is all a Rumbly right now and I have to go to wizzork.

Hopefully I can tough it out. It would suck to spend my weekend might off sick, especially when i'm going to tret myself with a Ghost Rider and 300 double feature. I think the last time I went to the movies was for Silent Hill, so I'm gonna make a night of it.

I have a shitload of movies I've been wanting to watch, but since I don't work in a movie store anymore, I haven't been keeping up, though my store wasn't the greatest on getting the cool releases i really wanted to watch(admittedly, i have weird tastes). To paraphrase the old tagline of the IUMA, This place has no The Aristocrats. Therefore, it blows.

Yeah, Unless you want to hear about how i leveled my Warcraft toon to 62 this week(which you don't, i know), i got nothing. So here's another funny cat picture.


Playing the Angel
Isn't so easy where you're from

The topic of the day is "why Livingdead will never win the lottery".


When you're slinging lottery tickets, You often hear two phrases:

1. If I win, I'm giving you a tip!

2. Man, what would you do with X million dollars?"

The first one I usually brush off with an "Aww gee, thanks!" Grin and wish them luck and hope they have a good day and hope that every single person that said that to me will hit the jackpot and come through with such promises of free money.

One guy I had come in today bought tickets for the Mega Millions(Powerball Jr.) and said "If I win, I'll be back to give you a 1 percent tip! That's 34 Million to you, pal!"

As he left excitedly, I murmured to my coworker "I really do hope he hits the jackpot."

"Why?"

"Because his math sucks worse than mine. 34 million is 10 percent, not one. and I'm gonna hold his ass to that."

Number 2 is the one I hear far more than anything else when the Jackpot gets high enough to tantalize even me into buying a ticket. I realize it's small chatter to be made as one is buying into a chance to be rich, but when you hear it all day long, you get tired of saying the same thing: " Oh, I've no idea what I'd do with all that money."

Fuck that. I know EXACTLY what I'd do. After hearing it for the ten thousandth time, I started giving "creative" answers, as I'm sure they're tired of hearing the same "I dunno" over and over again.


"Become drunk with power and utterly corrupt."

"Ride a Tyranosaurus Rex, Again."

"Buy 340 Million dollars worth of pudding."

"Spend 5 million of it and throw the rest into high-yield stock options, and burn them for warmth since Ameren sucks more than a hooker in a black hole."

"Build a couple of houses for me and the Family and make them completely Solar-powered, since Illinois is a net metering state and Ameren sucks more than a hooker in a black hole."

"Rent a Huge Glacier and Re-enact Ice Climber or The Thing."

"Buy 340 million Dollars of Porn."

"Pick up a Coke Habit. Or whatever Drug is 'In', you Know?"

"Travel through Time."

"Buy my Neighbor's House(the Jackass one, not the good ones, I'm gonna give them a spruce tree, or a weathervane) and make it my dog's House."

"Drive an ice cream truck covered in human skulls."(I've been dying to use this quote for a long time)

"Call up all of my exes, rub it in thier face about how rich I am and how they're not but now I'm utterly lonely because i'll never know if a woman truely loves me or my money because that shit happens all the time you know HEY WAIT MISTER YOU FORGOT YOUR BEER AND I DIDN'T GET TO THE PART WHERE I CLAIM A MORAL VICTORY!!"


So there you have it. Reasons why I'll never come into a huge amount of money because I'd be a complete and total dick.

Rest easy, Ex-girlfriends and Ameren.


Begging
For your
Fatass dirty
Dollar

Generally, I love writing about Grandma. And from the general opinion I get from people who read, I get the idea you like to read about her and the miscellanious antics that happen in what we call day to day life. I could probably devote an entire website that dealt solely with the crazy adventures and derring-do's that I know about that would have you either in stitches or awe, whichever may be your fancy.

This story, however, isn't very easy to write. I write it for those of you who either know her personally, and for those of you who have come to know her from the tidbit of antics I've wrote about her on here.

To start off, Gma isn't using a walker anymore. She is set to a wheelchair due to pain in one of her legs from a skin ulcer. It's been there for a while, three doctors have seen it and all have given three different opinions of what it is and what to do with it, which at this point has been only sucessful in pissing off the House of Dame since no one can seem to give a straight answer as to what the hell it is. Up to about a month ago, she used her walker because she's a stubborn old Bitch(now you know where mine comes from) who isn't going to be robbed of her freedom to walk around. After finally falling enough times due to her leg being in pain, we got her to start using the wheelchair instead by basically saying "Walking around isn't helping your leg at all, and your balance is suffering because of it." Being in the wheelchair was just going to be temporary until her leg healed up better.


Last friday night, Gma was watching TV, when she called for Moms to come into the living room, because "the Goddamned TV went Blank". Mom goes in there, and the TV was still on. Then She described that it looked like she was seeing "bright stars on a clear moonless night" out of her left eye, which was her good eye(Her right one has a detached retnia, so she can only see shadows and blurred vision at the edge of sight). Hearing someone describe what is essentially the last sight they'll ever see with good eyes is an experience I'm not eager to ever repeat again. Fast forward to today, when we finally got to see an eye doctor, who basically says that her sight in the left eye is gone and it's possibly due to a blockage in one of her arteries. even if the blockage is removed, the sight is still gone, She's legally blind.

That Part is really hard to accept. To me, it means that there's little to no chance she's going to be getting out of that wheelchair. She's never going to be able to stubbornly refuse help in doing mundane tasks that she insists on doing. it's uncomforting to know that hwile her eyes look right at me when she's speaking or looking at me, all she's seeing is shadows and blur. I can't wrap my head around that and it bothers me to think that this woman, who to me, is the genesis of our side of the family's Rebellion Streak, is now reduced in her capabilities. it dosen't seem possible. And that part is my fault for suspending my belief by thinking that she will bounce back from this like she always does. I mean come on, she's Gma. She's going to live to 11560 and then the only reason she's gonna give up the ghost then is because she's tired of fighting crime and kicking the shit out of the Grim Reaps on a monthy basis. Because she's stubborn, and that's what she does.

I have a bad tendancy to hold onto things until the very bitter end, thinking that something or somehow things will reverse course and go back to how it was. I don't know why I keep doing it as it has never happened, Especially when I really needed it to happen, which only leads to even even greater heartache. It's hard for me to fathom that I should be preparing for what truly is the inevitable end, and that now is the time I need to hold on to as it's going to happen a little sooner then ten thousand years from now.

Sorry for the tone of this post. But I needed a bit of catharsis and I thought some of you might want to know what's going on with Gma.



Vanishing like a cyan soleil

More Linux Fun. Apologies in advance to the more casual readers.

I'd rather be using my day off to grind another level on my Warrior in WoW, but the geek in me got that all sidetracked last night.

up until last night, I had Linux and Windows on two completely seperate hard drives, which made installation more or less a cinch, but made using Linux A bit more of a pain, as I would have to swap out the physcial drives in order to play around in Linux. Also, I Want to listen to my Mp3's While i'm dicking around in Linux without having to copy all of them from my CD's all over again.

In most cases, physcially swapping that would be fine and dandy, but remember who you're dealing with here.

So, I started by editing my boot.ini file to add Linux as an option to boot when I turn on my computer. then I threw in my Slackware Install CD so I could somehow reconfigure my linux drive to show up as /hdc instead of /hda(which I probably didn't need to do, since I think mount assignment depends on it's position on the IDE cable, but I wasn't sure) ended up reinstalling Linux to the Drive, and Dicking around in LILO, where I think I ended up placing it within the Master Boot Record on the linux drive(which was what I think I was wanting to do). So, reboot the compy, and get my choice of what to boot into: Win2000 or Linux. I choose linux.

Nothing. Black screen of death.

It takes me about two minutes to figure out that while I made a selection available in the boot menu, I never made a boot.lnx file on my windows partition. Fuck. Livingdead 0; Frankenputer 1.

Okay, simple enough. I'll just shut down, disconnect my windows drive, and boot directly into Linux, grab a copy of boot.lnx, and put it somewhere where I can grab it(like on this website, or in an email attachment) when I boot back into windows, place it where it needs to go, and viola, dual booting via the Windows boot loader instead of LILO or GRUB. Or so I thought. I boot up the Linux drive by itself, and after it goes through the BIOS POST, I get a screen full of 99's.

Son of a Bitch. Now not only am I not dual-booting, I've FUBARed my previously working Linux drive. Livingdead 0; Frankenputer 2.

At this point, I realize I should have grabbed my boot.lnx file before I started doing all of this would have at least got me a bit further along in getting this to work, not to mention most likely not fucking up my Linux Drive to begin with.

final Score: Livingdead -1; Frankenputer 2.

This will not stand.

So, new plan:


Dump Slackware distro, Wipe Linux HD Completely, Install Unbuntu Distro. While I felt like I was starting to get a feel for Slackware(and admittedly, thought it had a superkickass name and that's why I chose it, nevermind the fact it's geared towards powerusers) I better ease myself into this a bit more with something a bit more user friendly, like Ubuntu.

I'll let you know how that goes.

Batman beat the hell out of me and knocked me to the floor

A few quick things before I go off and do all those awesome things I do on my days off.

1. A liquor store isn't going to sell toothpaste.

2. A liquor Store isn't most likely going to sell Milk, either.

3. I don't care if you play basketball for the University of Illinois Salukis(who to the what now?) and you're on TV all the time, I'm still going to card you. I don't watch Basketball because I think it sucks, and you're a double moron for not getting your colleges straight.

4. Nope, no diapers, either.

5. a fifth of Ten High on food stamps? Are you fucking serious?

6. If you sell off your individual cigarettes to other kids at college(i assume), Try to get american Currency. I can't sell you smokes if all you have is A canadian Toonie and a couple of jamacian Dollar Coins. Also, 1 USD = 67.5 JMD. You got ripped off, Dumbass. L2notsuck.

finally, a short story.

Girl comes in, looking for 40's of Bud. Turns to me, and says "you remember me, don't you?"

"Nope. haven't the faintest idea who you are."

"so you're going to card me, Aren't you?"

"Yeap."(which brings me to 7. If you ask "Are you going to card me?" Then yes, I'm going to card you. If there were such a thing, I'd double-card you for asking such a stupid question. anyway, back to the story)

"I Swear to god I'm 22! So-and-So knows who I am!"


"Sorry. Can't sell to you without an ID."

"Will You Take a Ticket? I lost My Driver's license."

"Nope." (8. Carry two forms of Goverment-Issued photo ID if you tend to break the Speed limit or, like my dumb ass did once long ago, Lose your license for a couple of months because you racked up a shitload of tickets.)

Needless to say, she starts walking out of the store, muttering loudly.

"I wish So-and-So was working. This is bullshit!"

"And I wish I had a pony that shot lasers out of it's eyes."



Veridis Quo

I'm that guy.

I used to make fun of that guy, always getting whipped up into a fanboy-ish fervor over a new album dropping soon, saying "it's going to be awesome" and "mind-blowing" "revolutionary" and other words. Well, mostly I just made fun of Slowbek and his Dream Theater Fetish with the requisite(albeit in the most loving terms possible) "You're such a Prog Metal fag. How the hell can you listen to 30 minute tracks with 462 keyboard, guitar and drum solos?" (Nevermind my own dark secret of actually attending a Dream Theater concert, twice. That's neither here nor there.)

Then I realized I do the exact same fucking thing with NIN, complete with a fanfic posting on my own blog, which I think actually makes me worse than slowbek by a exponential factor of 90.
And let's not start on the Warcraft themed posts I've made in the last six months.

That being said, I'm going to devolve into fanboy mode for a minute.

OMGWTFTURTLESINBBQSAUCE!

I want 1984, Mad Max,Half-Life 2, and every revo-anarchist's wet dream all rolled up into a nice audio soundscape and get me fucking higher than a kite. I want Pretty Hate Machine to have a brutal one-night stand with The Fragile, get knocked up and have bastard children, and reared by The Downward Spiral. DADDY WANTS HIS PRECIOUS NOW! NOW! NOW! NOW GIVE IT TO ME OMG NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
WWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RAAARRWRRWRRARRWAGGGHHHHdl;kjseernhser
3509weaigth123413gh34o28h5yjg3n 42oih5t45ygivr me i'ma audiocrack dffiend qbgfqewwqerlhnqewroighqerbgqerihqerlkgj;bqebashinghandstiltheybloodynubs
bhasd;lighadfghadfighabhfzdighghzdroigtdfzlih
brrrrztraprapraprapdogsandcatslivingtogether
MASSFUCKINGHYSTERIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHATISYOURMAJORMALFUNCTIONSPRIVATEPYLE!!!!!!BUSTADEALFACETHEWHEEL!!!!!



*pantpantwheezesighofpleasure*

Much better.

To compensate for all that, here's a cute picture I stole from a Fark thread. Enjoy.






Our blood
will stain
we will not go away

Stand aware, Citizens.

There are subversives at work who wish to dissuade you from the truth. By way of spreading lies about our glorius nation, these undesirables seep into our collective subconsciousness and erode away our very beliefs, seeking to multiply like virii in a healthy human host. These detractors from freedom would have you believe that all the we have taken to ensure your continued safety against those who would do us harm have some sort of wide-spanning conspiracy theory. Let me be the first to tell you that this very notion is perposterous and outright treason! These rogue elements will soon be dealt with soon enough, I have it on very good authority.
In the meantime, we can all do our part. remember the old adage "Think globally, act locally"? well, you can do just that by helping out in your own neighborhood. For the career-minded, Volunteer service is a great start if your looking to join "the Best of the Best".

We are the Chosen, and this rough spot will soon behind us.

Be safe. Be aware.

The wool's being pulled over your eyes. We're all fucked.

Stop drinking from the faucet and see for yourself.

It may be the last thing we may do.

- .... .. ... | .. ... | ..-. .- -. ..-. .. -.-. | --..-- | | ... --- | -.. --- -. | - | --. . - | -.-- --- ..- .-. | .--. .- -. - .. . ... | .. -. | .- | -... ..- -. -.-. .... | ..--.. | | -.-. --- -. ..-. ..- ... . -.. | | .. | .-.. .-.. | . -..- .--. .-.. .- .. -. | ... --- --- -. | . -. --- ..- --. .... | .. ..-. | -.-- --- ..- | .... .- ...- . -. | - | ..-. .. --. ..- .-. . -.. | .. - | --- ..- - | .- .-.. .-. . .- -.. -.-- | ..--.. |

The other night an Asian fellow with a briefcase comes in, and asks how I am doing.

"Eh, not bad tonight. How about yourself?"

He lands me a glossy flier and starts speaking in heavily accented english about this program that shows lots of smiling people, and has words like "INTERNATIONAL" and "FAMILY" and "PROGRAM" and "OTHER LARGE WORDS". I didn't really look too well, as i had to strain to hear him as he spoke fast and I wanted to make sure I wasn't agreeing to selling off the store for a thousand bucks or something like that. I think he's talking about how they bring people overseas to this wonderful country to live long and prosper.

Then he asks "where were you born?"

"Right here, actually. Born and raised." I don't see a reason to explain my growing up took place a town over, as all the towns in SoIL are basically the same to anyone not from SoIL.


"Do you know where Japan is? Have you heard of it?"

I was playing Pac-Man before I could count properly. I Spent Grade school and a good portion of high school tethered to my NES and SNES. Of course I know where the fuck Japan is. But this guy obviously wants to speak to a Big Dumb Guy, so I play along.

"I got a general idea of where it's at. Never been there though."

At this point I take notice of a lanyard hanging from his neck with an ID badge stating he's from the Unification Church. Now I know where this is heading. He wants money.

Sure enough, as if on que, he opens his briefcase, showing off an assortment of "natural stone" bracelets and starts talking about how he's selling these to bring more people overseas to America. and at the low low price of 2 dollars, I can make my contribution and get a nice shiny trinket to remind myself of how I helped people move from Japan to America. Now this may be just me, but when I think of Japan, I don't think "Poor Backwater third-World". Somehow, I suspect Treachery.

"no, sorry. I don't have any money."

"Surely you can afford 2 dollars, sir."

I pull out my wallet, and let the moths fly in his face.

"No, I sure can't."

I didn't quite have the heart to tell him that me and all things Religion went through a messy divorce as he left.


Unlike the devil(yeah)
I've never seen the face of god

So, a Livingdead walks into a gay bar and hits on a woman.

Wait. Let me back up a bit.

Bundy and CarCar stopped in at work yesterday and CarCar invited me to go out with her and some of her college friends. I was all "Sounds Great!"

Then she told me they're going to the Upside Downtown in Carbondale, and bundy had to work, so he won't be going.

"Uhm...hmmm, Well, that fuck else am I going to do tonight? Play Warcraft? Besides, maybe this will make for good reading material. And maybe I'll find out what it feels like to be a gay man in a straight bar."

"They're also going to have A drag show tonight!"

"Oh. Awesome. Just Awesome. So much for hitting on any chicks."

So off we go, me and CarCar, to the gay bar.

Now, I'll be the first to admit, I was a bit skeptical of going into such an establishment, but the more I thought about it, it seemed like a good idea, the reasoning being that single straight women do like to cruise the gay bars when they get tired of running the sports and frat bars. couple that with the fact that i'd be one of the few straight guys in the bar, I'd have a pretty damn good chance of at least talking to a chit or two.

So, what was a great idea in theory wasn't so much a practical one.

once I got there, I realized that if there was a staight single women there, I wasn't going to be able to tell. Also, single straight women don't go to gay bars to get hit on. Lastly, I was most likely perceived as a Bear, So this great idea to net wimmins like crazy just fell the fuck apart. That didn't stop me from sending a Valentine(everyone was given a nametag with a number on it when you walked in, and you could go to the bar and pick up a piece of paper to write a valentine to someone else that you thought was cute) to Venus, a Hot chick(yes, she was really a chick) who I was at least sure was a Bisexual. Bisexuals in my book have an awesome factor of somewhere around twelve million. But alas, no one, straight or gay, sent me a valentine. So at least I know I'm not attractive to either sex now. Somewhere around eleven, the drag show started. Fun in a "holy shit that's a DUDE in a dress! OMGWTFBBQ!!11!1shift+elevenity" way.

to sum up, for five bucks, I got:

1. A floor show
2. Free food
3. A free ticket for a glass of champagne
4. A chance to send as many dirty valentines I wanted(I only sent one, and that wasn't without CarCar goading me into it one I made mention of how hot I thought "Venus"(the aforemented hot chick who was delivering said messages) was.
5. A cultural experience which I won't forget anytime soon.
6. Something to write about for all of you.


Did I have fun? Yeap. Would I go back again? Yeah, I wouldn't be opposed to it.


I just want to have something to do

From Wikipedia:

Kabuto is a mammoth creature in size and strength with a hominid build. Many spikes addorn the creature's body, while its maw is fierce and imposing. He is the pinnacle of Sea Reaper magical ingenuity that went horribly, horribly wrong. Kabuto went rogue when his Sea Reaper masters angered him. Alone and with no one else of his kind there was only one thing Kabuto could possibly imagine of doing: eating his sacrifices and killing thousands with his bare hands.


I wanted to talk about how I am back to slinging liquor again(though I wish it was under better circumstances, but these things can't be helped), and how that makes me feels useful and productive once more. I wanted to talk about how far out of known territory I have been, how I've been looking over my shoulder for any percived enemies for a long time, and how much I've been in need of cool, comforting familiarity. I'm getting closer to that. I'm on my feet and stepping in the right direction instead of crawling away to a corner, licking perpetually bleeding wounds with a torn-out tongue over broken teeth. I wanted to thank those who have shown even a mote of belief in me, even when things looked like they'd never change and I would never get off of my knees. But other events that have transpired that took me on a different train of thought.


I told slowbek yesterday in a conversation about something else entirely that "You know I have a thing for suffering, right?" That statement made me take a good long thinking session about the particular situtations I have found myself in these times I have put myself through since my fall from grace, as it were. In my younger years, I also endured other losses and subsquently put myself through the wringer for a particularly long time. the difference being that afterward, some particular event, it didn't matter what size in the scope of things the particular event would be, would reignite that fire in me and make me want to live again. In another conversation this past weekend, someone who i wasn't aware was a regular reader of this atrosity I call a website labeled me a "pessimistic optimist". all irony aside, he stated that "things haven't gone your way for a while, but you still hope that someday it will come back around your way, but you also realize that it isn't going to happen overnight. Under it all, you write about eventual hope for the currently hopeless. And you use a lot of profanity while doing so."

So, this conversation was rolling through my head all weekend, and last night when I went to bed what I said to slowbek was mixed in there as well. It made me think about how I've been going through the motions for quite some time now. The "blazing fire" in me had been extinguished. It smouldered for a while, hungry for oxygen or tinder, but was steadily going cold. It was appearantly obvious to everyone but me, considering how many times my friends tried to say something and I would steadfastly rebuff them, even to the point of questioning thier True intentions, thinking they may be the very same enemies that I am trying to keep watch for. were they saddened too by my stumble? Or did they turn on me in the course of things? Did they blithely chuckle and said that I got what was coming to me and maybe now I would learn my place?
What friends would hope that in my suffering, that I would kowtow? None. None that have offered what support they could(and what I would take) all this time. None that saw that the fire was out. None that loved and remembered the old Livingdead and wept at the thought of a docile version of thier friend. A cinder begins to smoulder.


So all of this was running through my head today when I woke up. Then I saw my W-2's on the table. Then I found my paystubs from last year. Something's not adding up. Tinder chars. Oxygen rushes in.

They think I'm stupid or meek enough to let it pass without incident.

And just like that, A blaze roars back to life.


I know I have rambled on a lot of stuff that dosen't make a lot of sense right now, so let me just finish up for now.

You have awakened Kabuto, The Lumbering Mountain of Pain. For that, My friends Will thank you for igniting the fire. My enemies will curse your foolishness for ever allowing this to happen.



You have Fucked me.

Now I will Fuck you.



Mars, The Bringer of War

How about that snow, huh?

I really wish I had something to write about. went to dinner with the Slowbeks and Nunkie saturday night, had some laughs, good times, and some really really salty black rice. Don't tell my doctor.

I just got some spam that actually made me smirk. I'll talk about that.

subj: Rejûvënizë Yõûr Månhõod

GetAStiffy InAJiffy

(insert some stupid website here)


And that's the body of the text.


I'm glad to know that Boris Sixpackovich is looking out for me. and I also love how the blurb is all ran together to get past any spam filtering. If the email address was real,they'd be getting an email from My Internet Lawyer.

The email wasn't even technically to me. But still, it ended up in my mailbox, so I guess it was for me,(hooray circular logic!) Gotta love email spoofing.

Speaking of email, one of the next projects(as soon as I get my picture gallery up... HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA... heh) I got in the back of my mind is to get my domain set up for email. I'm sure there's a perfectly easy and painless way to do this through my hosting provider, but this is me we're talking about here. The same guy who insists that girls don't poop, a Zombie apocalypse is imminent, and a giant cyclops rat lived in my heating vents until I stopped feeding him cookies and LEGO bricks about ten years ago.

Hey, you have your weird beliefs, I have mine.

Anyway, that's all I got for now. We'll see about stepping this up to more than once a week, eh?


Smash it baby
because i can

Confidential to Sarah: Nope, haven't heard anything.


There's a song by Massive Attack called "Karmacoma". Everytime I hear it, I get the urge to start talking in a rastafarian tone and make references to "Dah ganja, mon" and "jah maka", and "bob marley mon". This is about the extent of my knowledge of this subculture, so I end up making a shitload of stereotypical spoonerisms to make it more authentic to myself.

Much like most of what I say to myself, this isn't usually funny to anyone, unless I get into one of my fits and becide that the entire house must know. And since I'm putting it on here, you know that I did exactly just that. As usual, the victim of choice is my grandmother.


So here I come, bounding into the living room.

"Jah mon. Let's smoke tha ganja, gramamma, and roll out to some bob marley, Jah?"

Gma Stares blankly at me, unimpressed with my new demeanor, as I have interrupted her viewing of "Shark". undeterred, I continue.

"Let's go get the voodoo, child." I'm thinking she'll understand me now if i take on the demeanor of a voodun crone, complete with sulty hip swaying.

Gma, knowing that simply ignoring me will not work now, Unleashes.
"what the hell kind of talk you call that?"

"I'm Jamacian....Mon."

"If that's what they teach you in school, I'm glad I never went. You sound like a fucking moron."

I drop the accent and think of the only defense I could come up at the moment. "I learned it from watching you!"

I Think I meant to imply that I learned it from watching Mom, since she was a flower child(much to Gma's chagrin), but I was under pressure and the only thing that popped up in my mind was the famous anti-drug line. anyway, this only fazes Gma for a moment, probably contemplating which painful way she is going to kill me in my sleep.

"If I still drank, I'd chuck a full beer at your head and hope it knocked some sense into you. No wonder your mother didn't have any more kids after you."

"Thanks, I think." I'm leaving the room at this point, as any further provocation means I might get hit with her walker. that whole "old and Decrepit" thing is just a cover. She once tore the neck out of a whale with her teeth, you know. Now whales don't have necks. You do the math.


You sure you want to be with me
I've nothing to give

Allow me to knock off the dust on this here web site thingy.

So, The burning question that my four loyal readers are asking: What have you been doing, and why haven't you blogged about it?

The answer? boring shit. A list for the truely curious would include World of Warcraft, Partying with Brandocrap and Mick(of the jacksonville crew fame) up in springfield for new years, World of Warcraft, preparing myself for rejection(s), Watching Reba(not too proud to admit that, but I know some of you watch golden girls religiously, so there), World of Warcraft, hating existence in general, and getting rich like a mofo in my imaginary little world. I sold my [Cloudkeeper Legplates] for a nice mint in the auction house and now have enough money to do just about whatever I want. at least i'm rich in one of my worlds.

I'm of the understanding that the last part was most likely not all too "user friendly" and exciting to read for the general audience. one should go and ask my exes how "user friendly" I was and see what you get. So, in order to appeal to the lowest common denominator(confidential to Brooke: I'm just ribbing you. don't take it seriously), Allow me to tell you of my latest goings on: Upgrading my nerd badge by installing Linux onto my computer.

If that dosen't get you all wet and excited, I don't know what will.


I'll tell you this much, If Linux was what I had to learn on when I first started using computers instead of DOS 6.)/Win 3.1, I probably could have been making serious bank with all the technical expertise I would have by now, thus increasing my chances of mating with a female and ultimately, Happiness(everybody knows money is the secret to happiness, right? right?). That, or I would have said "Fuck this. This computer shit is hard. I'm going to go snort some crank and go knock over a Liquor store." it really could have gone either way.

I'll spare you the installation details and get straight to the FUN:

login deadhouse: root
password:***


Last login was 18:36 on Jan 18 2007

"that which does not kill us, makes us stronger" -Friedrich Neitzsche
(okay, that was a cool MOTD to see, if not a bit ironic and foretelling)

root@deadhouse: cd ..
-bash: unknown command cd ..
root@deadhouse:dir
/dev /null /etc /bin /lib /kde /bin /usr /abunchofotherdirectoriesetcetcetc
root@deadhouse: cd kde
-directory is now /kde
root@deadhouse:kde
-bash: command kde not found
root@deadhouse: ?
-bash: unknown command ?
root@deadhouse: wtf?
-bash: unknown command wtf?
root@deadhouse: goddamn you linus torvalds this is complicated
-bash: unknown command goddamn you linus torvalds this is complicated

To make a long story short, there was problems. all syntax errors aside, things had changed since I last used Linux, and I was using a different distribution this time around. I finally got it up and running, and am actually typing this out in KDE(windows like interface) and browsing the internet in konqueror. everything looks good, despite the fact that KDE decided to lock up on me while i was trying to grab a copy of opera to install and then had to reboot and run fsck to repair the hard drive tables(at least I think that's what it did), but that's okay. I still feel a sense of accomplishment. Joe Average can crash windows without even trying; It takes a special Person to make Linux say "Fuck You, I quit."


All in all, I'm having a blast with it. All kinds of neat shit to try out and break. It's like having a new girlfriend-A whole new body to run fumbling hands over, feeling out every nook and cranny, gently caressing supple digital curves. only this girlfriend can't tell you no and scream rape. All she can do is internally shut down and go into a catatonic state when you push too far.

Wait, What?


I can't make her real
(I won't let this build up inside me)