when I look with an honest vision, and i see those that have mattered to me...The few that have truly mattered to me.... are doing better without your romantic influence, it's heartbreaking. you try not to think about it. you push it out of your mind with whatever forces you can muster: mine being rage and anger, and maybe, sometimes it works. you stop thinking about it and it stops bothering you. but that's only for the ones who didn't mean much. the ones that did.... well, that's another matter.
You think about all the little things that mattered. and the things that didn't but should have. you try to tell yourself you did all you could. but there's doubt and uncertainty. so, you fight. you fight to the bitter fucking end, and in the end... it will not matter. hate is your weapon, and Anger your shield. and you can destroy ANYTHING. but in this war, they're useless. No matter how big and tough and willing to do whatever it takes to save this, you've already lost against an enemy that no matter how superior your forces are, they've got what matters, whatever that may be, and you don't.
you fight, still. because this means something. while lost on anyone else, this is very real and tangible and there are extreme consequences if you lose this. you're too stubborn or too stupid or too blind to see it any other amicable way.
This path, no matter how right you may feel about it, leads only to one outcome: Exile.
No longer welcome in any sense, you sear with rage unleashed. Cast out from everything you have sacrificed so much for, you nurse a cold bitterness in the pit of your stomach, fed by alcohol and smoke and regret. Soon it takes over the most vulnerable organ: your heart. it becomes poisoned, envenomed to the point that you no longer want love and joy and all that bullshit that everyone else seems to be having and loving and living. you just want to seethe over tattered memories as you return to all that you once were and hate, hanging on day to day by bare threads in a world that turned it's back on you, and so you turned yours on it.
And while you drink deep from the waters of Hatred, you can't help but to notice just over the lip of the bowl... how better they have done without you. a new promotion, a new love, a life ahead of them that they couldn't imagine anything else.
Maybe you were the cancer all along. how does that feel? to be the tumor to those you Loved so very much? So you Drink more. Quaffing and gulping down that fire that does no good, but is all that can sustain you in these times. Emotions, at least the good ones, like love and whatnot, are luxuries you can no longer afford.
Nobody's gonna save you.
No one's riding up and saying you were the one all along.
It really is you against the world.
And they, despite your best attempts... are winning.
An eternity since I told myself once again, "This is the price i promised myself i would pay".
Not to play the part of the victim.
Just an honest appraisal of events since transpired.
Hate and anger. it was supposed to destroy me in the end.
Funny. Hate and anger is all that has kept me alive now.
I know you are there. Just beyond the digital haze that has settled. Just beyond that wall that i helped build and you reinforced. Can you even hear me anymore? Would what I say matter? Would I'm sorry ever fit in this context? Would I ever hear it from you? This is just as much yours, as it is mine.
So sorry.
So sorry I wear my hurt so openly for so long.
You would have missed it otherwise i fear.
I'm not clever enough to mix it subtlety in with some hip band's lyrics that you'd "get".
Or have you forgiven yourself completely? Do you just come occasionally, just to pat yourself on the back and say "Well, i gave it my all, but he's fuckin crazy. No hope for him." Does it help you sleep at night? Because my bed's still cold (is yours?) Yet I still burn with endless rage. Burned into my head, that thought of the other. The other who enjoys you late into the night. Wears your stink. Pulled you up onto your knees. Talked down to you. Made me feel second-rate.
Denied me what was mine for so long.
Dead eyes see clearly; as they move through a life that was not supposed to be theirs. A body moves through the ether; going through the motions but not believing this was to be it's fate. Dying lips smile politely, lying to everyone about how they feel because what they feel is not wanted.
You tell me.
You.
Tell.
Me.
How was it worth it?
How do you absolve this?
all these years on
I'm still looking for answers in the dust of what was.
Hoping there was still something there.
because i need something there.
Something.
Anything.
This fallen champion, This disgraced hero.
He needs a reason to continue.
Well, here we are. lots of spelling errors. i don't care. raw and uncompromising, as it were.
I have been trying to hold myself up and pretend that things, while not in the best place that i can hope for, have been generally okay and that i'm surviving, and making do with what i got.
they aren't. I'm not. and I'm not.
this is where the veneer of superficiality fails horribly. this is where i stop being tough for the sake of saving face happens.
i'm almost 30. i have no job, which means i have no income, which means I am behind on bills. considering thae fact that i made do with what i had up in Rockford(where i didn't have much, but i had something, and i was finally making it on my own), this is a huge blow to where i am now.
i hate where i am at. especially since i can't even afford where i am now, which is suppposed to be cheaper than what i was paying up there. I'm behind on my bills, and i'm looking at the very real fact that i'm gonna have to move back home with moms and gma. I shouldn't be too concerned with that, i know. because i'm suppose to be all 'well, if that's how it happens, that's how it goes, right?" well, sorry, i can't buy that.
I'm trying to make a stand where i'm at, and i am failing, evidenced by the fact that my bills are way the fuck behind.
Suprising to me. how i once made do with what i had, and now i seem to be drowning in everything...
what the fuck happened?
I moved for one thing, and one thing only. Everything else - it didn't matter. i would have made do with whatever may come. i craved, I needed this, so badly that i would have thown everything else away for just this one thing that i felt.
And when it, in my mind, didn't come to be, i got doubtful. i got paranoid. maybe rightly so. but i did, and it ignited a chain of events that led me back to here.
And why? because i didn't want to be alone? Probably.
Don't get me wrong. i am grateful to be back in an area where I can make a quick little trip to see all who matter to me. i can't tell you how hard it was to be completely alone up there. and i felt that way so much becuase i didn't have that up there. i was 6 hours from everything i knew, and despite her trying as much as she did, i didn't have her right there with me, telling me everything was gonna be okay and that she loved me. maybe she did try, but i'm greedy and her displays of affection weren't enough for me after all i went through and what i was used to. i was used to being together every chance we got, and had to settle for once a week, if that.
Now, I'm back down here, where i have become a faded mmeory, insignificant to those who i once mattered gratly to. i had so much down here, and i gave it up because this one person mattered more to me than breathing itself. I couldn't stand the time apart from one another. it was the worst Hell i had been through. And i suffered for it, thinking there would be some kind of great payoff at the end.
Did i not wait long enough? was i too impatient? she had to get her life back together up there, and i was an unexpected addition to it and maybe i was too pushy, too demanding, whatever. but i had changed my entire life for her. I changed because she showed me there was more to life than just plodding through mechanically and taking what may come. there was more out there than what i had here.
So i took that chance. i went out into the big bad world and made my stand. i made it as long as i had her by my side. when that failed(and i had my part in helping that along), i got scared and ran home.
and now, i can't seem to handle even the simple idea of getting by down here.
yeah, i know. even though in the whitetext(how many of you fuckers even bothered to check for secret shit back in July? really?) i tried to sound all tough and that this wasn't getting to me as much as it should, it did and more.
I even had the help of the one person i Never wanted to talk to ever again to get me through this. and now i can't even count on her. How sad and weak i have become? i can step back and see who things weren't picturesque between us and yet, i soldered on till the bitter end, and now i'm still all broken up about it. i can't keep lying and say that i'm over her.
I'm not. not in the least.
you can't be over someone and go to bed at night by yourself wishing only for that person to be there with you. listening to them breath slowly into a slumber. you can't be over someone and literally be dying for them to just call, text, or message you, despite whatever might have went wrong in the relationship.
this is gonna make me sound like a complete pussy and jeporadize any chance of moving on and having a realtionship down here with someone, but.... i miss her. Greatly, dearly. Even the bad times, where i didn't think i was being loved enough by my standards. It hurts so much that i can't see any other chances of having a relationship, even when it's staring me right in the face and begging for me to just give in and go for it becuase simply i don't want anything else because it dosen't match up to what was.
At the risk of sounding completely insane to the internet at large, i had a dream back in 03 after i came back from Trinidad and Tobago. The girl I was engaged to broke up with me at the time, and it threw me into a big time slouch. i thougt it was all fnially coming together and then this happened. it hurt so much back then(as did the real breakup that happend a short time later), that i went to bed one night just asking " If this girl isn't going to stick around, and if D is dead, then who is the right person for me? who am i going to end up with so i don't spend the rest of my life alone? Who am i going to find that is goign to be there for me? who am i going to spend the rest of my days with?"
as i slept that night, i dreamt of a girl who i did not know. someone who was not familar to me at all, but i dreamt of so many good things taking place; our first child together, many years of happiness and of places and music i never heard serving as our background.
just us. together. With a girl i ddin't even know.
When i went to her sister's last july, i snuck look a picture of Sparks at her sister's wedding.
It was her. The girl I dreamed of. If i wasn't exactly sure of the realtionship before then, i was then.
you can say that it was just me trying to reconcile who i had at the time with what my ideals were all you want, but as a person who is rather divorced from religion and voert rationalizions(as it were), you won't convince me otherwise. I had found my soulmate after so much time and bullshit. How many other dyed redheads my age do you know haven't had kids and was headstrong that would have brought themselves romantically into my life? i have little faith in anything, but i try believe in my heart and in my dreams, Because if they are lying to me.... who can i believe? Honestly? what would i have left?
and what do i have left? i let it fall apart.
So....how? How do you deal with the fact that i Parted ways wih the woman of my dreams. i let her go without a fight, and she let me go without a fight? If i mattered so much to her and her to me.... why am i back here, broke as fuck, with no job, and no hope for the future?
i'm beginnning to think i cannot handle real life. I am told constantly that i need to live for myself and not for others, but i have a hard time beliving in that. me, by myself and not anything else, is essentially worthless. i don't have that motivation to be a great person or to do wonderful things or to be whatever. i only have that when i am with someone of great importance to me. and idon't have that these days. i don't see a point to do something that benefits me and me only. maybe that's why i have a hard time selling myself at job interviews. I just don't see a point. And i don't see a point in bettering myself just so i make myself a more attractive prospect for maybe someone out there. that's not how it is or what it's about for me.
ti sounds trite and overly cliche, but i am nothing without the other.
And i cannot help but to feel like i have lost my chance at having that happy-go-lucky life with the person that mattered so much to me and i can't help to feel that it wasn't all my fault. Why didn't you fight for me? Did i really end up being like every other guy in your life? Why did you let me go? why does it feel like you got over it the moment i was no longer your Significant Other? DId you really know the hurt i've been through all these years? Am I just crazy and looking for the bad where it does not exist? Was it totally platonic? where you completely honest with me? Do(or did) you love me more than the deepest hurt i ever felt?
How do you deal with knowing that you've lost the person that mattered the most in your life?
Am i so horrible a person that I am not beyond redemption?
Am I not worth a second chance?
am I anything to you, period?
the cooling wind of Fall is here. it used to be a good time of change and promised renewal.
All i do is keep going back to the merry-go-round at the park where i snapped a shot of you in the summer, right before you left to go up there. It's where you were still mine, unquestionably. i wanted to spend last fall with you so badly because it used to be my favorite time of year.
I hate the fall now. all it reminds me is of change and how everything will die soon.
Hope against hope. I hope that your lips burn with want for mine, your skin aches for the touch of my hand, and that your eyes ache for the sight of mine, forever. I will not be like the others. I will not sit here and keep lavashing praise upon you in hopes that i'll win your heart over again or that you'll give me another chance. I'll not be like Buster - Only emotional and affectionate when you're having sex. I won't be like Voodoobilly, or possibly countless others - trapped within a friendship when he's so obviously wanting more and not shy about it. I won't be like Conto - On Your myspace as your friend despite the fact that He went around telling bullshit lies about you. I won't be Like Pie or Dale or whoever it was in MA - Giving all the right signs and then having second thoughts when you get out there. I won't be like Matt - someone you stay with out of some sense of pity. I won't be Diggit or like anyone you have met, or will meet, in your desperate bid to erase, forget me, and move on. I was and am the most unique, understanding(Who the fuck else would have moved away form everything he ever knew(despite it being a shithole), and endured such restrictions and clauses in the relationship? Who?), and loving guy you will ever meet. And you let me go. I should have been the one person you would have changed for, fought for, and died for. Because you were to me and i essentially did. So now... I'm Killing that part of myself. _So many_ others in the past would have given everything they had to have that part of me that i guarded so heavily, yet gave to you so easily. No one gets in here anymore.
_If_ you come back, you will not have me so easily.
No spellcheck and misused words, check.
Painful attempt at high metaphorics, check.
Overwrought recap of recent drama, check.
HEY I think I have an update!
I have been remiss in them, that's for sure.
Time has been less than available. feelings, raw. and situtations less than favorable.
The Long short of it is, things fell apart. I made a call, taken steps backward, and have returned to the..ahem..."loving" embrace of southern illinois.
No, i don't want to be here. i didn't want to make this decision. i wanted to stay up there. But i know odds. and they weren't in my favor. we can sit here and dress it up all we want(and i will, i'm sure) but it came down to money(too much to live up there for what i was working for) and instability(hers? mine? who the fuck knows anymore...) and my apparant inability to trust.
you would have lost yours too. So many promises over a lifetime, broken over and over and over again. You get sick of it and begin demanding impossible results that cannot be delivered, Using your own past as a bulwark in the worst way possible. frustration builds,and you become a liability instead of an assest to someone's life. an undesirable option instead of a attractive priority.
And love? you find that even love, that one last thing you believe is, can die, given the right conditions. and you always supply those conditions. you fail it before you even give it an honest chance.
So you return to what you know. You let the light drift out of your life without so much as a fight. And that other emotion slides in oh so easily. There is no hell like an old hell.
So here we are. back in a place I don't want to be, but at least needed, gorging upon that which I have known far too long, pushing all else aside selfishly and without thought and once again, set upon that dark path. one that is hard for anyone to attempt to follow.
The only path i have ever truly known.
honestly, what has changed? is this not what has been predicted and expected of me? how many times can I, if ever, really buck fate? Especially when you look it in the eye and continue to spit upon any and all options presented when you find one small thing here and there that dosen't suit what you see as the ideal? Tch. So what... What do I do? Do I try to muzzle the darkness that screams for control within me, or let go, and allow the beast to finally consume me completely? I do not know which option is more attractive at this point anymore. and honestly, i don't really care. I'm tired. I have done this to death by now. I know this track. I'm armed to the teeth. and I didn't fall or get pushed in. I jumped. Feet first, grinning, screaming at monsters to come forth and taste death becuase I no longer fear, care, or otherwise give a damn what awaits me within because it can no longer kill or take away anymore from me. what's scarier? the horror-laden darkness? or the person who throws himself willingly into it?
Fuck none of this makes any sense. too much metaphor talky. It's awesome when I confuse myself. but hey, at least i updated. i promise i'll do more soon. i'll have the time, at least. i think i have some leftover funny lying around somewhere too. just gotta dig it up and not feel like it's forced.
Tick.Tock.Tick.Tock.Tick.Tock.Tick.Tock.Tick.Tock.Tick.Tock.Tick.Tock.
Why do I feel trapped when I should feel free?
Where is the gypsy blood in me when I need it?
I just wanna be a horse in a field.
I'm good at running wild
and pretty good at being shot.
i hope it's worth it for you. I hope it's everything you need.
No. Not entirely. I want you to hurt over it. I want to know it meant as much to you as it did to me.
And I want a MegaMan laser arm cannon while I'm wishing.
Mope mope mope? Nope nope nope.
Not you.
I get to suffer because it meant something.
You get to.... run?
Nice.
So stoic. Guess I'll unravel for the both of us then. And just keep typing and yelling at clouds so I can bleed myself to sleep for another night.
Now let's sum up with a song from youtube, since I'm just writing in shitty fragments and pretending that
it's art/meaningful/good/something/you'll see it.
I cannot tell you how much i wanted this to go otherwise.
But time is not our friend these days.
I must make decisions. Ones i wanted to make otherwise, but your continued silence has forced me to make on my own. desisions i never wanted to make. You could have changed it all. and you didn't. did i really matter that little to you? can we really not exist outside of that litle realm we once lived in? Even now, i cannot believe it. It could have went otherwise. But...
things have gome terribly wrong. And i still have questions that i will probably never have answered. god, why? why after so long must i return to this? what did i do that was so wrong? i know i wasn't perfect, but i had my reasons. None of this ever had to come to be.
The plan got fucked up.
the plan. heh. the plan. we always plan but it never comes to be.
couldn't even take the time to tell me that you wouldn't be over.
I am undone. All that i hoped. all that i needed. gone. like so much ashes and dust. like all i have ever known i should be used to this by now
how easy it is for me to slip back into this mode. one i hoped never to have to come to again becuase i thought this time it would be different. so much for thinking. can't believe i thought it would be. after all i done to try.
I moved away for love.
And now....
oh.
and now.
i needed this so much. i needed to believe that it was finally going to go in my favor for once. OH SO FUCKING SAPPY YOU PUSSY ASSED FUCKTARD NOTHING EVER'S GOING TO CHANGE YOU AREN'T MEANT FOR THIS
So what?
what is there left?
Go back to everything you hate?
Reign in hell, rather than serve in heaven?
Aye.
You have no choice. fate has said so. no one cares enough to help you try otherwise. it's your fucking responsibility anyway. you fucking pussy.
imagine that. bested by a vegan faggot. oh, buster. buster, buster, buster.....
oohhh look i'm so different becuase i'm 36 fucking years old and into all kinds of cool indie shit BECAUSE I CAN'T GROW UP AND BE A FUCKING MAN. I HAVE TO HAVE A CADRE OF WOMENS TELLING ME HOW COOL I AM AND YET STILL BE SO FUCKING UNHAPPY. yeah. running home. you fucking won you four-eyed, tie-wearing, i'm so smarter than everyone else 36 GOING ON 16 FUCKHOLE.
you took everything that mattered to me away with your goddamned self-serving, Spoiled little bitch neuroses.
WHAT THE FUCK DID I EVER DO TO YOU?
you hated me and never even knew me
So fucking unhappy with yourself you gotta wreck other's lives?
I hold you indirectly responsible for this failure,
I have my faults, no doubt. YOU sure as fucking shit didn't make it any easier. why, seriously? WHAT THE FUCK DID I EVER DO TO YOU?
if you were a real friend, you would have never been like this, making it harder for your "friend". tell me, don't you still have a thing for her? that's the only thing i can come up with that would explain you acting the way you have... yelling at her for me contacting you when you could have easily said no i don't feel comfortable doing that....Getting into an arguement on thanksgiving over the fact that i was moving up here becuase you thought i would be taking her away from you. if you wuld have got to know me you would have seen i wouldn't have done that in any sort of lifetime. ever.
you'll never see this probably, becuase you're the type that would pull that kind of faggotry. as you already have.
God. you really lose out to a some real winners, yea? what makes you think you are worth it? such a whiny pussy can't even take care of yourself. gotta run home, lick your wounds and seethe.
i hate you....i hate you all
I'm gonna fill myself up with so much hatred
and so much rage
no one will ever get in again
no one
As for you.
Southern illinois.
oh. you... such a special place in my fucked up blacked out heart.
you tried to kill me slowly. twenty-plus fucking years you tried with all your fucked up status quo ways. Me and my family.
and you couldn't. we kept on. i held out. I FUCKING SURVIVED YOU PIECES OF SHIT. I'M STILL FUCKING HERE, ASSHOLES. I'M STILL HERE.
Most are all too willing to go out on thier knees, begging.
not me.
my time up here has changed me vastly.
they tried to kill me too, you know... with thier own brand of poison. much stronger. much more potent than you culd ever imagine.
They failed. Just like you did. you and your "oh we're so genteel but really we're just as wicked as anyone else but we're more sly about it" bullshit. I'm calling you the fuck out.
I'm coming back. soon.
So prepare, southern illinois, prepare. Your bastard son is returning, knowing the true meaning of being a Destroyer. and he has grown intolerant of your good 'ol boy faggotry.
I am born again in the fires of vengeance.
Hated.
Retribution.
you're gonna kill me standing on my own two feet, kicking and screaming.
Hmm. Seems I wrote myself out last update. Now all I have is just some broken thoughts rattling around in my head that i need out for the sake of writing something.
Things are, shall we say, a little hazy. hypocritial, maybe. unsure.
I feel differing sides all around me, trying to goad me into things I have no desire for.
I feel useless to those that matter to me.
And there's the matter of the unseen. Those who do not know me, or know very little. Do they even want to know me? Am i being kept away for a reason?
I struggle to make it, just like you do.
I can bleed. Just like you can.
I have a history, Like all others. Mine Winds down some nasty corridors. Ones I hope you have never had or have to walk. But it is mine, and it is my baseline for what i do in the current. It also is out to get me sometimes, too. Starring as that little voice in my head that tells me no matter what, it's all going to be a washout and that all will come apart in the film endlessly running in my head. "When will it stop," it chides, "Being seen as poor luck, and start being seen as fate?"
As soon as I'm dead.
I am trying to understand it all. I am trying to believe.
My tolerance grows dangerously thin for a lot of things, and we are coming to a fork in the path And we will have to choose.
The Path is up to you.
Or maybe I got it all wrong, and all I can see is conflict where there is none. Assure me, then. Because again, My history tells me otherwise. it's telling me to prepare.
I don't think this came out the way I wanted, in fact, I'm pretty sure I went way off-point, but fuck it. I got to put on my Internet tough Guy shoes and wear an Onion on my belt for a bit.
There's a bit of a tizzy going on with STLbloggers, And people are pissed about it. I'm not going to get into large detail over it, as you can Easily go get the jist of what peoples' general opinions are about it in the comments, or here, or Here. Either of those last two links will get Send you on a myriad of other links so you can gather what the local Blogging community thinks about the issue.
here's my perspective.
I don't fool myself into thinking that I'm ever going to be good enough to get paid to do this thing full-time. It's a lovely dream to chew on from time to time, but when it comes to content, and..ahem... Timeliness, I'm not so hot sometimes. I repeat myself, tend to whine and bitch about oh-so-important things, and typo like I'm drunk trying to piss and never bother to clean up the mess. I'm a-okay with that, too. For the pittance of money I pay yearly, I get:
1. a place on the internet where I can divulge into my more voyeurstic side... Anyone who is willing can stop by and take a peek at what's running, or has ran, in my head. Maybe they'll find out something they didn't know and go "gfee, hmm... this kit's pretty alright", or more likely, they go "yup. still crazy as shit." whichever.
3. A place where I can satisfy my delinquent urge to shout profanities in the public wihtout getting arrested, pissing off soccer moms, or look like a crazy homeless guy.
I don't charge, or sell ads on my site for several reasons. The foremost being an ethos I still try to hold to: That Information longs to be free. you can thank Steven Levy for putting that in my head at a young, impressionable age. Yes, yes, i know, the net dosen't work like that anymore, web 2.0 web 2.0 RAH RAH SIS BOOM BAH. Other reasons are pretty much along the lines of quality of work, and the fact that some part of me would feel wrong if i made money off saying "fuck' 50+ times in an "article". Also, I can be rather petty and offensive, and that dosen't usually set well with advertisers.
There's a bit of feng shui worked in there, too: I like simple, easily presentable designs(yet I don't go back and correct the typos and copypaste mistakes, and that makes me a hypocrite!), and having complete control over what is on my page and how it is presented. I know there are ways you can do taseful ads without letting them take over your site, but I'd just as soon not deal with the beast altogether for now.
I answer to no one on here. I like that feeling.
Anyway, the point I'm wanting to make is that there is a threat of content being taken out of context and published on other sites where essentially money can be made off content they did not create, with or without owner consent. again, others have said it better than I can. As I said on STLbloggers, it's not happened to me because either I'm not important enough, or no one's stupid enough to try. I like to believe the latter, but realize it's probably the former.
Again, that's absolutely fine by me.
And part of me shouldn't even really care. Even befor i moved away, I never really considered myself in tight with the STL area blogging community. I prefer to remain on the outer edge. Not because I'm trying to come off as some sort of elitist snob, or that I get the feeling that I'm unwelcome within the community, it's Just a habit I picked up growing up. Nonetheless, I do consider myself part of it in some form, and I do care what happens to other local bloggers, so I find myself wondering what I should say in support of them. And that's where i get a bit tongue-tied. I know i'm not really something that many people want(or are willing) to link to due to the Nature of the site, so i find myself wondeering if I should even speak up.
I do, however, have to consider the fact that it is a possiblity that something like this could happen to me. So, in closing, allow me to leave a tale of caution.
I run this site as a labor of love. i allow(and want!) people to read it, if they so choose. I do have myself listed on a couple of services that I ping when I update becuase it suits my fancy.
If i were to find my stuff being updated elsewhere that isn't my site, and without my permission... that will be bad.
very bad.
I'll post the Pain Series, Last Measure, The Power 5, Rickrolls, Fifty-Hitler posts, you name it. I'll scorch the very earth I worked, and pull down the pillars of my own palace.
The ongoing misadventures of a late 20's 30 year old male still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. Suggestions, hate mail, wedding proposals, and naked pictures of hot women can be sent here.
