I'm going to do a little something different this year.
I'd like to leave 2008 behind me, for the most part. but this i'd like to leave for you. it's the final part of a quest chain in WoW, and one of the best, in my opinion.
A'dal: *A gentle ringing fills your head as you approach the naaru*
I know why you have come.
I am pleased that you have come to me. I know of Crusader Bridenbrad, and of your travels in hope of saving him. Bridenbrad's valor has sparked remarkable selflessness in you, and this is a miracle unto itself. The light will take care of its own. I will extend my blessing to Bridenbrad and he shall not endure the corruption of undeath. I shall return you to Dalaran, and you shall return to him. Know that I remain with you.
*As you approach Crusader Bridenbrad, you cannot help but notice that his skin has taken on a pale hue and his breaths are shallow. It is clear that he has little time left.*
Bridenbrad: You have returned to me, Warrior. I must admit... it is good to see you again... your face renews my hope that this land will be free of Arthas's grasp one day soon. I'm proud to have met you...
*Bridenbrad's words trail off, a dim smile on his face. As life seems to slip from him, a gentle ringing fills your ears.*
* A'dal, along with K'uri and M'ori appears and liberates the Spirit of Bridenbrad, so that he will not be raised as a mindless servant of the Scourge. *
A'dal: Fear not, young one, for this crusader shall not taste death. In life, Bridenbrad was the bearer of great deeds. Now, in passing, he shall taste the only paradise.
Yes, different versions can apply to different people in my life, but it was you.... you that started it all. Savior. Destroyer.
This will not change your mind, as it never has. but that what i'm good at - fighting for lost causes., and hoping beyond hope that it will make a difference one day.
Maybe the last part of me left that still hope for the happy ending between us hopes that it will.
Oh, if only i even had the will to do the "noble" thing. I would finally be rid of all this... whatever. Seems i have even been sapped of that sturdy resolve to no longer be a drain upon humanity and those that can still make a difference.
Tch. Can we, really?
Do i even want to, at this point?
I'm not so sure.
Because... honestly, what's the point?
seems like no matter what path i choose, i keep heading back down the one i've pretty much known all my life.
Even when i can Break free for a time, i still find my way down this damned path. all encompassing. enclosing. Darkness.
Maybe i'm just fighting destiny. maybe i just shouldn't care anymore. maybe i should just let go and fake a smile about it all and find some solace in...something. what. i don't know.
I keep sitting upon this throne. Glaring. Seething.
It's what i am good at.
Hate and wrath, those very negative fires some would see quelled, are the only things that have kept me alive to this point.
and even now, i have no good enemies to focus upon. losing my will to even hate.
Meaningless? maybe.
But Hate and Wrath never lied to me. unlike Love.
all either find some way to appease and placate me, or become faceless entities ones i could easily hate, but yet... it means nothing, as i never met them. know them.
I need a new disease. or a new perfect enemy. they are all that keep me going. all that keeps me rising out of my cold bed with no one there to prod me on and tell me it's okay to go out into this completely fucked beyond all hope world. day. after. day. no point in the morning, and none at evening. just more and more motonomy. like you give a fuck. cus you got yours, right?
like you would join forces with me anyway. I think everything you told me was a lie once you left. you'd sooner make me the bad guy than admit your faults and enclose it within a Tweedy quote. then use your circular logic to justify your ways.
Like you, Dear savior, would actually do what you set out to do and save me. You ran. Dress it up all you want, but you ran when you found out it was going to be a bit more work than you thought. but hey... at leats you tried, right? after all this time, you still held...something. whatever.
I think every girl in my life has lied to me, whatever the reason might be.
Better to believe that than to think of the alternative.
See? i can lie to myself, too. hey, it's not too bad. LOL NO GREENER GRASS LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.
Maybe i can get used to this. Start being a douchebag, like most Boys out there looking for a piece of ass.
So keep fucking those boys that pretend to be men and are somehow better becuase they can make cool socially revelant references, or quote obscure songs that no one who isn't cool has heard of.
Keep fucking them like they deserve and worship every inch of you. See how empty you feel at the end of it all.
so impressed with all you do tried so hard to be like you flew too high and burnt the wing lost my faith in everything lick around divine debris taste the wealth of hate in me shedding skin succumb defeat this machine is obsolete made the choice to go away drink the fountain of decay tear a hole exquisite red fuck the rest and stab it dead broken bruised forgotten sore too fucked up to care anymore poisoned to my rotten core too fucked up to care anymore broken bruised forgotten sore too fucked up to care anymore poisoned to my rotten core too fucked up to care anymore in the back off the side and far away is a place where i hide where i stay tried to say tried to ask i needed to all alone by myself where were you? how could i ever think it's funny how everything that swore it wouldn't change is different now? just like you would always say we'll make it through then my head fell apart and where were you? HOWCOULDI EVERTHINK IT'SFUNNYHOW EVERYTHINGYOUSWOREWOULDNEVERCHANGE ISDIFFEENTNOW? LIKEYOUSAID YOUANDME MAKEITTHROUGH DIDN'TQUITE FELLAPART WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU? i listen to the words he'd say but in his voice i heard decay the plastic face forced to portray all the insides left cold and gray there is a place that still remains it eats the fear it eats the pain the sweetest price he'll have to pay the day the whole world went away just a noitcelfer just a glimpse just a little reminder of all the what abouts and all the might have c-c-could have beens _another day_ _some other way_ _but not another reason to continue_ and now you're one of us the wretched the wretched the hopes and prays the better days the far aways forget it it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to it didn't turn out the way you wanted it did it? it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to it didn't turn out the way you wanted it did it? now you know this is what it feels like now you know this is what it feels like the clouds will part and the sky cracks open and god himself will reach his fucking arm through just to push you down j-j-just to hold you down stuck in this hole with the shit and the piss and it's hard to believe it could come down to this back at the beginning sinking spinning and in the end we still pretend the time we spend not knowing when you're finally free and you could be but it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to it didn't turn out quite the way that you wanted it now you know this is what it feels like now you know this is what it feels like now you know now you know this is what it feels like this is what it feels like now you know now you know this is what it feels like youcantrytostopitbutitkeepsoncoming youcantrytostopitbutit. i've become impossible holding on to when when everything seemed to matter more the two of us all used all used and beaten up watching fate as it flows down the path we have chose you and me we're in this together now none of them can stop us now we will make it through somehow you and me if the world should break in two until the very end of me until the very end of you awake to the sound as they peel apart the skin they pick and they pull trying to get their fingers in well they've got to kill what we found well they've got to hate what they fear well they've got to make it go away well they've got to make it disappear the farther i fall. i'm beside you as lost as i get. i will find you the deeper the wound. i'm inside you for ever and ever i am a part of you and me we're in this together now none of them can stop us now we will make it through somehow you and me if the world should break in two until the very end of me until the very end of you all that we were is gone we have to hold all that we were is gone we have to hold when all our hope is gone we have to hold all that we were is gone but we can hold on you and me we're in this together now none of them can stop us now we will make it through somehow _you and me_ _even after everything_ _you're the queen and i'm the king_ _nothing else means anything_ she shines in a world full of ugliness she matters when fragile she doesn't see her beauty she tries to get away sometimes it's just that nothing seems worth saving i can't watch her slip away i won't let you fall apart i won't let you fall apart i won't let you fall apart i won't let you fall apart she reads the minds of all the people as they pass her by hoping someone will see if i could fix myself i'd-but it's too late for me i won't let you fall apart i won't let you fall apart i won't let you fall apart i won't let you fall apart we'll find the perfect place to go where we can run and hide i'll build a wall and we can keep them on the other side but they keep waiting and picking and picking and picking and picking and picking and picking and picking and picking and picking and it's something i have to do i won't let you fall apart i was there too i won't let you fall apart before everything else i won't let you fall apart i was like you. i won't let you fall apart i woke up today to find myself in the other place with a trail of my footprints from where i ran away it seems everything i've heard just might be true and you know me well you think you do sometimes i have everything yet i wish i felt something do you know how far this has gone just how damaged have i become when i think i can overcome it runs even deeper in a dream i'm a different me with a perfect you we fit perfectly for once in my life i feel complete and _i still wanna ruin it_ afraid to look as clear as day this plan has long been underway i hear them call i cannot stay the voice inviting me away do you know how far this has gone? just how damaged have i become? when i think i can overcome it runs even deeper everything that matters is gone all the hands of hope have withdrawn could you try to help me hang on? it runs... i'm straight i won't crack on my way and i can't turn back i'm okay i'm on track on my way and i can't turn back i stayed on this track gone too far and i can't come back i stayed on this track lost my way can't come back i stayed on this track gone too far and i can't come back i stayed on this track lost my way can't come back i stayed on this track gone too far and i can't come back i stayed on this track lost my way can't come back smiling in their faces while filling up the hole so many dirty little places in your filthy little worn out broken down see through soul baby's got a problem tries so hard to hide got to keep it on the surface because everything else is dead on the other side teeth in the necks of everyone you know you can keep on sucking 'til the blood won't flow when it starts to hurt it only helps it grow taking all you need but not this time no you don't and just for the record just so you know i did not believe that you could sink so low you think that you can beat them i know that you won't you think you have everything but no you don't et quand le jour arrive la tourner el ciel et la tourner la mer et la mer eh ven embrasse moi et la deneh ve moi logis a rien pa peut arrete moi a rien pa peut arrete moi a rien pa peut arrete moi a rien pa peut arrete moi staring at the sea will she come? is there hope for me? after all is said and done? anything at any price all of this for you all the spoils of a wasted life all of this for you all the world has closed her eyes tired faith all worn and thin for all we could have done and all that could have been ocean pulls me close and whispers in my ear the destiny i've chose all becoming clear the currents have their say the time is drawing near washes me away makes me disappear and i descend from grace in arms of undertow i will take my place in the great below i can still feel you even so far away i can still feel you even so far away i can still feel you even so far away i can still feel you even so far away even so far away even so far away even so far away so far away
all i've undergone i will keep on all i've undergone i will keep on all i've undergone i will keep on all i've undergone i will keep on all i've undergone i will keep on all i've undergone i will keep on all i've undergone i will keep on all i've undergone i will keep on all i've undergone i will keep on all i've undergone i will keep on all i've undergone i will keep on all i've undergone i will keep on underneath iT ALL. we feel sO SMALL. the heavenS FALL. but still WE CRAWL. all i've undergone i will keep on all i've undergone i will keep on all i've undergone i will keep on tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away talking to myself all the way to the station pictures in my head of the final destination all lined up all the ones that aren't allowed to stay tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away tried to save a place from the cuts and the scratches tried to overcome the complications and the catches nothing ever grows and the sun doesn't shine all day tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping did you happen to catch? or did it happen so fast? what you thought would always last has passed you by? is everything speeding up? or am i slowing down? i'm just spinning around and i don't know why all the pieces don't fit thought i didn't really give a shit i never wanted to be like you but for all i aspire i am really a liar and i'm running out of things i can do i'd like to stay but every day everything pushes me farther away if you could show help me to know how it's supposed to be where did it go pleading and needing and bleeding and breeding and feeding exceeding where is everybody? trying and lying defying denying crying and dying where is everybody? well okay. enough. you've had your fun. but come on there has got to be someone hasn't yet become so numb and succumb and god damn i am so tired of pretending wishing i was ending when all i'm really doing is trying to hide and keep it inside fill it with lies open my eyes?maybe i wish i could try pleading and needing and bleeding and breeding feeding exceding where is everybody? trying and lying defying denying crying and dying where is everybody? pleading feeding bleeding breeding feeding exceding where is everybody? trying lying defying denying crying and dying where is everybody? i'm getting closer i'm getting closer i'm getting closer i'm getting closer all the time i'm getting closer i'm getting closer all the time i'm getting closer i'm getting closer all the time i'm getting closer i'm getting closer i'm getting closer i'm getting closer i'm getting closer i'd tried to get so high I MADE IT TEN MILES HIGH i'm gonna get so high. mynightmare'severywherebutinside alivingindicationofeverysituation butitseemsi'vegotneglectedcomplication hinderedmysalvation butitryanditry and i try i'm gonna get so high you'll never get inside i swore i'd never turn into you i'm closer all the time i made it ten miles high can't tell my truth from my lies i swore to god i would never turn into you i'm getting closer all the time no tear it all down tear it all down tear it all down tear it all down tear it all down tear it all down tear it all down tear it all down tear it all down tear it all down tear it all this is how it begins push it away but it all comes back again all the flesh all the sin there was a time when it used to mean just about everything just like now just like now breathe echoing the sound time starts slowing down sink until i drown i don't ever want to make it stop and it keeps repeating will you please complete me? never be enough to fill me up never be enough to fill me up never be enough to fill me up never be enough to fill me up watch the white to never be enough turn to red to fill me up never be enough it fills up the hole but it grows somewhere else instead never be enough to fill me up all my life yeah yeah yeah yeah but it just left me dead the world is over and i realize it was all in my head now everything is clear i erase the fear i can disappear please i don't ever want to make it stop you can never leave me will you please complete me? never be enough to fill me up never be enough to fill me up never be enough to fill me up never be enough to fill me up never be enough to fill me up never be enough to fill me up never be enough to fill me up never be enough to fill me up never be enough never be enough never be enough never be enough never be enough never be enough NEVER BE ENOUGH NEVER BE ENOUGH NEVER BE ENOUGH NEVER BE ENOUGH NEVER BE ENOUGH NEVER BE ENOUGH NEVER BE ENOUGH NEVER BE ENOUGH NEVER BE ENOUGH NEVER BE ENOUGH NEVER BE ENOUGH NEVER BE ENOUGH never be enough to fill me up to fill me up never be enough to fill me up never be enough to fill me up to fill me up to fill me up to fill me up to fill me up i'm going down now i'm going down now i'm going down now i'm going down now i'm going down now i'm going down now i'm going down now i'm going down now i'm going down now i'm going down now i'm going down now i'm going down now i'm going down now i'm going down now i'm going down now i'm going down now fill me up sideways sometimes somethings feel like i'm on the other side waves of every feeling ever felt waves of every feeling ever felt i scream it out this is how it all begins this is how it all begins this is how it all begins this is how it all begins i can see blackest hours this is how it all begins new flesh this is how it all begins this is how it all begins this is how it all begins give it to me i can take it give it to me i can take it give it to me i can take it give it to me i can take it give. it. to. me. i.c.a.n.t.a.k.e.i.t g.i.v.e. i.t. t.o. me. i. can. take. it. i've become. i've. i've become. i've. i've become. i've. i've become. i've. i've become. i've. i've become. i've. as black as the night can get everything is safer now there's always a way to forget once you learn to find a way how in the blur of serenity where did everything get lost? the flowers of naivete buried in a layer of frost the smell of sunshine i remember sometimes thought he had it all before they called his bluff found out that his skin just wasn't thick enough wanted to go back to how it was before thought he lost everything then he lost a whole lot more a fool's devotion swallowed up in empty space the tears of regret frozen to the side of his face the smell of sunshine i remember sometime i've done all i can do could i please come with you? sweet smell of sunshine i remember sometimes there is a game i play try to make myself okay try so hard to make the pieces all fit smash it apart just for the fuck of it bye bye oooh got to get back to the bottom the big come down isn't that what you wanted? find a place with the failed and forgotten isn't that really what you wanted now? there is no place i can go there is no way i can hide it feels like it keeps coming from the inside there isa hate that burns within the most desperate place i have ever been try to get back to where i'm from the closer i get the worse it becomes the closer i get the worse it becomes comes there is no place i can go there is no place i can hide it feels like it keeps coming from the inside all i do i can still feel you all i do i can still feel you all i do i can still feel you all i do i can still feel you all i do i can still feel you numb all through i can still feel you hear your call underneath it all kill my brain yet you still remain crucified after all i've died after all i've tried you are still inside all i do i can still feel you all i do i can still feel you all i do i can still feel you all i do i can still feel you
a l l i d o i c a n s t i l l f e e l y o u
a. l. l. i. d. o.
you remain
i. c. a. n . s. t. i. l. l. f. e. e. l. y. o. u.
i am stained.
Well, here we are. lots of spelling errors. i don't care. raw and uncompromising, as it were.
I have been trying to hold myself up and pretend that things, while not in the best place that i can hope for, have been generally okay and that i'm surviving, and making do with what i got.
they aren't. I'm not. and I'm not.
this is where the veneer of superficiality fails horribly. this is where i stop being tough for the sake of saving face happens.
i'm almost 30. i have no job, which means i have no income, which means I am behind on bills. considering thae fact that i made do with what i had up in Rockford(where i didn't have much, but i had something, and i was finally making it on my own), this is a huge blow to where i am now.
i hate where i am at. especially since i can't even afford where i am now, which is suppposed to be cheaper than what i was paying up there. I'm behind on my bills, and i'm looking at the very real fact that i'm gonna have to move back home with moms and gma. I shouldn't be too concerned with that, i know. because i'm suppose to be all 'well, if that's how it happens, that's how it goes, right?" well, sorry, i can't buy that.
I'm trying to make a stand where i'm at, and i am failing, evidenced by the fact that my bills are way the fuck behind.
Suprising to me. how i once made do with what i had, and now i seem to be drowning in everything...
what the fuck happened?
I moved for one thing, and one thing only. Everything else - it didn't matter. i would have made do with whatever may come. i craved, I needed this, so badly that i would have thown everything else away for just this one thing that i felt.
And when it, in my mind, didn't come to be, i got doubtful. i got paranoid. maybe rightly so. but i did, and it ignited a chain of events that led me back to here.
And why? because i didn't want to be alone? Probably.
Don't get me wrong. i am grateful to be back in an area where I can make a quick little trip to see all who matter to me. i can't tell you how hard it was to be completely alone up there. and i felt that way so much becuase i didn't have that up there. i was 6 hours from everything i knew, and despite her trying as much as she did, i didn't have her right there with me, telling me everything was gonna be okay and that she loved me. maybe she did try, but i'm greedy and her displays of affection weren't enough for me after all i went through and what i was used to. i was used to being together every chance we got, and had to settle for once a week, if that.
Now, I'm back down here, where i have become a faded mmeory, insignificant to those who i once mattered gratly to. i had so much down here, and i gave it up because this one person mattered more to me than breathing itself. I couldn't stand the time apart from one another. it was the worst Hell i had been through. And i suffered for it, thinking there would be some kind of great payoff at the end.
Did i not wait long enough? was i too impatient? she had to get her life back together up there, and i was an unexpected addition to it and maybe i was too pushy, too demanding, whatever. but i had changed my entire life for her. I changed because she showed me there was more to life than just plodding through mechanically and taking what may come. there was more out there than what i had here.
So i took that chance. i went out into the big bad world and made my stand. i made it as long as i had her by my side. when that failed(and i had my part in helping that along), i got scared and ran home.
and now, i can't seem to handle even the simple idea of getting by down here.
yeah, i know. even though in the whitetext(how many of you fuckers even bothered to check for secret shit back in July? really?) i tried to sound all tough and that this wasn't getting to me as much as it should, it did and more.
I even had the help of the one person i Never wanted to talk to ever again to get me through this. and now i can't even count on her. How sad and weak i have become? i can step back and see who things weren't picturesque between us and yet, i soldered on till the bitter end, and now i'm still all broken up about it. i can't keep lying and say that i'm over her.
I'm not. not in the least.
you can't be over someone and go to bed at night by yourself wishing only for that person to be there with you. listening to them breath slowly into a slumber. you can't be over someone and literally be dying for them to just call, text, or message you, despite whatever might have went wrong in the relationship.
this is gonna make me sound like a complete pussy and jeporadize any chance of moving on and having a realtionship down here with someone, but.... i miss her. Greatly, dearly. Even the bad times, where i didn't think i was being loved enough by my standards. It hurts so much that i can't see any other chances of having a relationship, even when it's staring me right in the face and begging for me to just give in and go for it becuase simply i don't want anything else because it dosen't match up to what was.
At the risk of sounding completely insane to the internet at large, i had a dream back in 03 after i came back from Trinidad and Tobago. The girl I was engaged to broke up with me at the time, and it threw me into a big time slouch. i thougt it was all fnially coming together and then this happened. it hurt so much back then(as did the real breakup that happend a short time later), that i went to bed one night just asking " If this girl isn't going to stick around, and if D is dead, then who is the right person for me? who am i going to end up with so i don't spend the rest of my life alone? Who am i going to find that is goign to be there for me? who am i going to spend the rest of my days with?"
as i slept that night, i dreamt of a girl who i did not know. someone who was not familar to me at all, but i dreamt of so many good things taking place; our first child together, many years of happiness and of places and music i never heard serving as our background.
just us. together. With a girl i ddin't even know.
When i went to her sister's last july, i snuck look a picture of Sparks at her sister's wedding.
It was her. The girl I dreamed of. If i wasn't exactly sure of the realtionship before then, i was then.
you can say that it was just me trying to reconcile who i had at the time with what my ideals were all you want, but as a person who is rather divorced from religion and voert rationalizions(as it were), you won't convince me otherwise. I had found my soulmate after so much time and bullshit. How many other dyed redheads my age do you know haven't had kids and was headstrong that would have brought themselves romantically into my life? i have little faith in anything, but i try believe in my heart and in my dreams, Because if they are lying to me.... who can i believe? Honestly? what would i have left?
and what do i have left? i let it fall apart.
So....how? How do you deal with the fact that i Parted ways wih the woman of my dreams. i let her go without a fight, and she let me go without a fight? If i mattered so much to her and her to me.... why am i back here, broke as fuck, with no job, and no hope for the future?
i'm beginnning to think i cannot handle real life. I am told constantly that i need to live for myself and not for others, but i have a hard time beliving in that. me, by myself and not anything else, is essentially worthless. i don't have that motivation to be a great person or to do wonderful things or to be whatever. i only have that when i am with someone of great importance to me. and idon't have that these days. i don't see a point to do something that benefits me and me only. maybe that's why i have a hard time selling myself at job interviews. I just don't see a point. And i don't see a point in bettering myself just so i make myself a more attractive prospect for maybe someone out there. that's not how it is or what it's about for me.
ti sounds trite and overly cliche, but i am nothing without the other.
And i cannot help but to feel like i have lost my chance at having that happy-go-lucky life with the person that mattered so much to me and i can't help to feel that it wasn't all my fault. Why didn't you fight for me? Did i really end up being like every other guy in your life? Why did you let me go? why does it feel like you got over it the moment i was no longer your Significant Other? DId you really know the hurt i've been through all these years? Am I just crazy and looking for the bad where it does not exist? Was it totally platonic? where you completely honest with me? Do(or did) you love me more than the deepest hurt i ever felt?
How do you deal with knowing that you've lost the person that mattered the most in your life?
Am i so horrible a person that I am not beyond redemption?
Am I not worth a second chance?
am I anything to you, period?
the cooling wind of Fall is here. it used to be a good time of change and promised renewal.
All i do is keep going back to the merry-go-round at the park where i snapped a shot of you in the summer, right before you left to go up there. It's where you were still mine, unquestionably. i wanted to spend last fall with you so badly because it used to be my favorite time of year.
I hate the fall now. all it reminds me is of change and how everything will die soon.
War wages on, Pollution is rampant, divorce is at an all time-high. Criminals walk the street freely, and somewhere, animals are dying in a shelter.
only one person can help us now.
Bomberman.
You see, a Bomberman's love is very different from that of a square. Bomberman, for those of you who have been indocrinated to the sacreligious, profane, and false ideals of other multiplayer games, is a game which, if you have any hope for a better life, you will play, understand, and master. I can't really tell you the aim of the single player, as i never have played it and, quite honestly, i don't believe there is such thing as a single player bomberman game. it's all a lie. anyway, so i'm going to make up my own story.
YOU are one of the bombermen, which is essentially Death Incarnate couched within sprite graphics. your objective is to bomb the living shit out of everything and everyone within your 13x11 playing field and hope to god you are the last person left alive. You will collect powerups that will increase your ability to shit out more and moar bombs, powerups that will increase the length of your flamedicks(this is a technical term, read the manual) to stretch nearly across the entire board, and herpes, which you sometimes want, and sometimes don't.
Alliances are made and broken faster than Vegas chapel vows in The game. mild-mannered churchwomen will curse in demonic tongues. New swear words will be invented and forgotten in the babbling litany that comes after losing a match. Marriages will be saved, then ruined, friendships broken and reestablished within three minutes of gameplay. If Bomberman was around in the World war II era, it either would have saved millions of lives or we would be living in cinderous, toxic remains of a nuclear exchange. Japan's modern day Samurai exist today as Bombermen bioengineered in the cold, robotic womb of a femme console system, stored away within the time infinite, waiting for the day these New World-Jesuses shall be needed to horse-fuck the human race into oblivion to purge our planet once and for all of the disease we have come to be as simplistic, celebrity-worshipping, whoremongering luddities of filth, luchre, and Materia, forcing the righteous dead to return from on high, enwrapped within flaming wings to do epic battles with our cutesy-visored savior-murderers in futile effort for our collective souls.
I'm gonna kick it off with a little piece I call 'Labor day with Mom and Gma"
This is why we're never invited to the reunions or have immediate family gatherings.
"Too bad you don't have a dick that big, you'd never be worried about money. Or your looks."
"Grandma, that's the creepiest thing you've ever said to me. I'm going to attribute it to dementia. how can you see that anyway? you're blind."
"Give me one of your Beers. I'm going to beat the fuck out of you."
"Mom, Mike... Will both of you knock it off?"
"She started it, Mom. Hurry, take a picture. I wanna put it on the blog and show the whole world wide web my potato nuts and cucumber penis. it'll totally get me laid cuz IT'S ART LOLLERSKATES. you want to have grandchildren, right?"
"What the fuck is a Lollerskate?"
"Mom, ignore him. he's....Sigh, shakes head in defeat"
Click! Click!
"You better not post this conversation to your website."
Hope against hope. I hope that your lips burn with want for mine, your skin aches for the touch of my hand, and that your eyes ache for the sight of mine, forever. I will not be like the others. I will not sit here and keep lavashing praise upon you in hopes that i'll win your heart over again or that you'll give me another chance. I'll not be like Buster - Only emotional and affectionate when you're having sex. I won't be like Voodoobilly, or possibly countless others - trapped within a friendship when he's so obviously wanting more and not shy about it. I won't be like Conto - On Your myspace as your friend despite the fact that He went around telling bullshit lies about you. I won't be Like Pie or Dale or whoever it was in MA - Giving all the right signs and then having second thoughts when you get out there. I won't be like Matt - someone you stay with out of some sense of pity. I won't be Diggit or like anyone you have met, or will meet, in your desperate bid to erase, forget me, and move on. I was and am the most unique, understanding(Who the fuck else would have moved away form everything he ever knew(despite it being a shithole), and endured such restrictions and clauses in the relationship? Who?), and loving guy you will ever meet. And you let me go. I should have been the one person you would have changed for, fought for, and died for. Because you were to me and i essentially did. So now... I'm Killing that part of myself. _So many_ others in the past would have given everything they had to have that part of me that i guarded so heavily, yet gave to you so easily. No one gets in here anymore.
_If_ you come back, you will not have me so easily.
But you still got your words and you got your friends
I heard this song before, but i didn't _hear_ it till it came up one day in winamp, right around the time you nearly broke up with me in February. I remember thinking that it if it's gonna happen, it will be the song i end up leaving Rockford to. I hoped that day would never come.
I guess I should have been more determined, instead of pinning everything on hope. Another one of my faults, I suppose.
I always thought of you as the whistle- so beautiful, filled with hope(there's that word again) in an otherwise droning world.
You let me go. you didn't even wait for me to be out of the city before you started looking around again. Now you're used? Now you're closed? Who ever could have done that? And i'm the bad one, it seems. one fucking mistake and it was the deal breaker because of your fear(again, you do have it) of what i may be capable of. Why didn't you ever stop to think about what led me to that flaw? Or do you even remember what the problem was? Do you even care? show it, for christs's sake. show it for once.
Love IS a compromise. Love is saying "This person matters more to me than me, anything I've done, or will ever do." I gave the one last thing i had left in me to you. the one thing i wouldn't give even to the one i was going to marry. I gave my free will. How could you not? How could you not go "This is the one person who matters more than anything i do, done, or will ever do."? Did i really just end up being like all the others who came your way? all the others who got to be included more in your life? All the others who discarded what affection you publicly showed for for them as nothing meaningful?
What brighter side? it must mean you. There's no brighter side here. Only the broken remnants of the past, as always. Why do I hold onto it? because I have no future now, and the present is always fleeting. Much like you have from me. because you are scared. Keep denying it all you want, but you are. I am, too. Love and fear is all that reminds me that I'm still human. But like the Present, and You; it is fleeing as well, and soon there will be nothing. Is that what you want? To be exqusitely empty? Sweetheart, I've been there and I'm going back there yet again. Only this time I'm not lying to myself and saying there's answers or nobility in doing so.
You took so much away from me and made me a better person for it. Then You took so much away and left me defenseless against your killing blow. I gave it both times willingly.
No spellcheck and misused words, check.
Painful attempt at high metaphorics, check.
Overwrought recap of recent drama, check.
HEY I think I have an update!
I have been remiss in them, that's for sure.
Time has been less than available. feelings, raw. and situtations less than favorable.
The Long short of it is, things fell apart. I made a call, taken steps backward, and have returned to the..ahem..."loving" embrace of southern illinois.
No, i don't want to be here. i didn't want to make this decision. i wanted to stay up there. But i know odds. and they weren't in my favor. we can sit here and dress it up all we want(and i will, i'm sure) but it came down to money(too much to live up there for what i was working for) and instability(hers? mine? who the fuck knows anymore...) and my apparant inability to trust.
you would have lost yours too. So many promises over a lifetime, broken over and over and over again. You get sick of it and begin demanding impossible results that cannot be delivered, Using your own past as a bulwark in the worst way possible. frustration builds,and you become a liability instead of an assest to someone's life. an undesirable option instead of a attractive priority.
And love? you find that even love, that one last thing you believe is, can die, given the right conditions. and you always supply those conditions. you fail it before you even give it an honest chance.
So you return to what you know. You let the light drift out of your life without so much as a fight. And that other emotion slides in oh so easily. There is no hell like an old hell.
So here we are. back in a place I don't want to be, but at least needed, gorging upon that which I have known far too long, pushing all else aside selfishly and without thought and once again, set upon that dark path. one that is hard for anyone to attempt to follow.
The only path i have ever truly known.
honestly, what has changed? is this not what has been predicted and expected of me? how many times can I, if ever, really buck fate? Especially when you look it in the eye and continue to spit upon any and all options presented when you find one small thing here and there that dosen't suit what you see as the ideal? Tch. So what... What do I do? Do I try to muzzle the darkness that screams for control within me, or let go, and allow the beast to finally consume me completely? I do not know which option is more attractive at this point anymore. and honestly, i don't really care. I'm tired. I have done this to death by now. I know this track. I'm armed to the teeth. and I didn't fall or get pushed in. I jumped. Feet first, grinning, screaming at monsters to come forth and taste death becuase I no longer fear, care, or otherwise give a damn what awaits me within because it can no longer kill or take away anymore from me. what's scarier? the horror-laden darkness? or the person who throws himself willingly into it?
Fuck none of this makes any sense. too much metaphor talky. It's awesome when I confuse myself. but hey, at least i updated. i promise i'll do more soon. i'll have the time, at least. i think i have some leftover funny lying around somewhere too. just gotta dig it up and not feel like it's forced.
This is ad libbed from a video game and modifed to suit my tastes for the current.
"Given the choice whether to live within a corrupt and failing empire, or to challenge the fates for another throw, a better throw against one's destiny....What was a man to do? But does one even truly have a choice? One can only match, move by move, the machinations of fate within the illusion of free will....And thus defy the tyrannous stars."
Tick.Tock.Tick.Tock.Tick.Tock.Tick.Tock.Tick.Tock.Tick.Tock.Tick.Tock.
Why do I feel trapped when I should feel free?
Where is the gypsy blood in me when I need it?
I just wanna be a horse in a field.
I'm good at running wild
and pretty good at being shot.
i hope it's worth it for you. I hope it's everything you need.
No. Not entirely. I want you to hurt over it. I want to know it meant as much to you as it did to me.
And I want a MegaMan laser arm cannon while I'm wishing.
Mope mope mope? Nope nope nope.
Not you.
I get to suffer because it meant something.
You get to.... run?
Nice.
So stoic. Guess I'll unravel for the both of us then. And just keep typing and yelling at clouds so I can bleed myself to sleep for another night.
Now let's sum up with a song from youtube, since I'm just writing in shitty fragments and pretending that
it's art/meaningful/good/something/you'll see it.
Nice and high and far apart
Just like they said
I built this place with broken parts
Just like they said
You chip away the old version of you
You'd be surprised at what you can do
I'm safe in here
Irrelvant
Just like they said
My voice just echoes off these walls
My voice just echoes off these walls
You feel me breathe
I am watching you
I see it all
The many ways you can get to me
I see them all
I see the hell you put yourself through
All the things I could do
(if I wanted to)
My voice just echoes off these walls
My voice just echoes off these walls
I don't need anything at all
My voice just echoes off these walls
And I just slowly fade away
And I just slowly fade away
And I just slowly fade away
Fade
Fade
Fade
Fade
Fade
Fade
Fade
You will never ever ever ever get to me in here
You will never ever ever ever get to me in here
You will never ever ever ever get to me in here
You will never ever ever ever get to me in here
I cannot tell you how much i wanted this to go otherwise.
But time is not our friend these days.
I must make decisions. Ones i wanted to make otherwise, but your continued silence has forced me to make on my own. desisions i never wanted to make. You could have changed it all. and you didn't. did i really matter that little to you? can we really not exist outside of that litle realm we once lived in? Even now, i cannot believe it. It could have went otherwise. But...
things have gome terribly wrong. And i still have questions that i will probably never have answered. god, why? why after so long must i return to this? what did i do that was so wrong? i know i wasn't perfect, but i had my reasons. None of this ever had to come to be.
The plan got fucked up.
the plan. heh. the plan. we always plan but it never comes to be.
couldn't even take the time to tell me that you wouldn't be over.
I am undone. All that i hoped. all that i needed. gone. like so much ashes and dust. like all i have ever known i should be used to this by now
how easy it is for me to slip back into this mode. one i hoped never to have to come to again becuase i thought this time it would be different. so much for thinking. can't believe i thought it would be. after all i done to try.
I moved away for love.
And now....
oh.
and now.
i needed this so much. i needed to believe that it was finally going to go in my favor for once. OH SO FUCKING SAPPY YOU PUSSY ASSED FUCKTARD NOTHING EVER'S GOING TO CHANGE YOU AREN'T MEANT FOR THIS
So what?
what is there left?
Go back to everything you hate?
Reign in hell, rather than serve in heaven?
Aye.
You have no choice. fate has said so. no one cares enough to help you try otherwise. it's your fucking responsibility anyway. you fucking pussy.
imagine that. bested by a vegan faggot. oh, buster. buster, buster, buster.....
oohhh look i'm so different becuase i'm 36 fucking years old and into all kinds of cool indie shit BECAUSE I CAN'T GROW UP AND BE A FUCKING MAN. I HAVE TO HAVE A CADRE OF WOMENS TELLING ME HOW COOL I AM AND YET STILL BE SO FUCKING UNHAPPY. yeah. running home. you fucking won you four-eyed, tie-wearing, i'm so smarter than everyone else 36 GOING ON 16 FUCKHOLE.
you took everything that mattered to me away with your goddamned self-serving, Spoiled little bitch neuroses.
WHAT THE FUCK DID I EVER DO TO YOU?
you hated me and never even knew me
So fucking unhappy with yourself you gotta wreck other's lives?
I hold you indirectly responsible for this failure,
I have my faults, no doubt. YOU sure as fucking shit didn't make it any easier. why, seriously? WHAT THE FUCK DID I EVER DO TO YOU?
if you were a real friend, you would have never been like this, making it harder for your "friend". tell me, don't you still have a thing for her? that's the only thing i can come up with that would explain you acting the way you have... yelling at her for me contacting you when you could have easily said no i don't feel comfortable doing that....Getting into an arguement on thanksgiving over the fact that i was moving up here becuase you thought i would be taking her away from you. if you wuld have got to know me you would have seen i wouldn't have done that in any sort of lifetime. ever.
you'll never see this probably, becuase you're the type that would pull that kind of faggotry. as you already have.
God. you really lose out to a some real winners, yea? what makes you think you are worth it? such a whiny pussy can't even take care of yourself. gotta run home, lick your wounds and seethe.
i hate you....i hate you all
I'm gonna fill myself up with so much hatred
and so much rage
no one will ever get in again
no one
As for you.
Southern illinois.
oh. you... such a special place in my fucked up blacked out heart.
you tried to kill me slowly. twenty-plus fucking years you tried with all your fucked up status quo ways. Me and my family.
and you couldn't. we kept on. i held out. I FUCKING SURVIVED YOU PIECES OF SHIT. I'M STILL FUCKING HERE, ASSHOLES. I'M STILL HERE.
Most are all too willing to go out on thier knees, begging.
not me.
my time up here has changed me vastly.
they tried to kill me too, you know... with thier own brand of poison. much stronger. much more potent than you culd ever imagine.
They failed. Just like you did. you and your "oh we're so genteel but really we're just as wicked as anyone else but we're more sly about it" bullshit. I'm calling you the fuck out.
I'm coming back. soon.
So prepare, southern illinois, prepare. Your bastard son is returning, knowing the true meaning of being a Destroyer. and he has grown intolerant of your good 'ol boy faggotry.
I am born again in the fires of vengeance.
Hated.
Retribution.
you're gonna kill me standing on my own two feet, kicking and screaming.
ever since I have been up here, I have been on the edge of disaster, always wondering about jobs and whatnot. my Rent raised recently and I have lost my job and I am paying bills by the Squeaky wheel method and am wondering when I'm going to finally be kicked out of the apartment. One of the few luxuries I have had since moving up here is getting a daily paper from the papergirl in one of the other complexes.
Yesterday, the papergirl came by to collect for the last 2 months. Normally I pay in cash and toss her a 5 buck tip, because I know paper routes tend to suck and it's hard to get a route as a kid these days. I feel for her, I really do, but I am just about broke and am at the point where I can't even afford a goddamn paper subscription. I tell her I don't have any cash on me and ask her to wait while i run to my bank's ATM, which is a bullshit lie becuase my account is empty and there's no way i'm getting charged overdraft fees.
So when I came back, she was still waiting outside my complex. I told her that the Machine said I Had Drawn my limit for the day, and for her to come back tomorrow and I will have the cash for her.
She gives me this weird look. and says something to the effect of "Maybe we can work something out", Obviously not those exact words, but to be honest I have a hard time remembering what she did say becuase she hooked her thumbs in her jeans and pulled them down like a half inch or so. I'd almost swear there was shitty 70's porn music somewhere far off in the background. She then handed me the daily paper and walks away back to her apartment. As she is leaving, she rubs her hands on her ass and looks back at me for a very long second. At this point I'm going "Fuck. Holy fuck." Mind is a racing. A million miles a minute. I mean, she is only fifteen years old and The girlfriend is coming over in about an hour, but...
I dunno.
It is, what I would most definately call a loaded situtation, so I'm turning to you guys for a lil poll on my dilemma: In the paper she gave me, I found a coupon for two free sides with any 10 piece order at Popeye's. Is it okay for me to redeem this coupon, knowing that I will probably never pay my paper bill?
This has been building up for a while. here goes nothing.
sunday night I got asked out of the blue by my team lead: "Do you have a lot of drama going on or something? You always look like you're mad at the world."
My Actual response: "No. No drama. I'm sorry I don't smile a lot. I've been told it's scary."
What I wanted to say: WHAT FUCKING BUSINESS IS IT OF YOURS? I'm sorry I don't partake in the rumor mill/ Work politics, but I'm not getting paid to express my opinion on who's fucking who at work, and i'm not about to let you know what the hell's going on in my head. I don't know why this pissed me off so much, but it did.
Monday Night, I got switched around a lot, and at one point was working the baler, something i don't have a lot of experience on. The production Lead was also keeping tabs on me to make sure i'm not goofing off.
Side note: last week when i was working on the baler, he walked off after a bit, as he's the lead and had other stuff to do obviously. i had finished up what he had told me to bale, and didn't know for sure if we were going to also bale up the two large boxes of cardboard scrap. So, instead of rushing off and having him search the floor for me, Ic took some initive started sweeping around the disgusting area. when he came back, he blew up at me and said "I Don't need anyone to sweep the warehouse." and then put me in time out. (a.k.a. Assembly. Assembly, in a word, sucks. I suck at it. he knows I hate it, and that's why he sent me there for the rest of the shift.) oh, Silly me. Okay then. Think how pissed off he would have been if he had waltzed out there and found me sitting there with my thumb up my ass, not doing anything.
So, with the lesson of taking initive having got me into trouble still fresh in mind, i end up goofing up on the baler. It takes time to get it fixed, and by the time he comes back out there, I'm still tying down the baling wires(which is another task in itself, since if it is too loose, the bale will fall apart when ejected).
He was already in a pissy mood since it snowed like hell that night and there were a lot of calloffs and basically laid into me about how long i was taking and that this isn't that hard of a job how areyounotgettingit in the tone that basically spoke "you're a fucking idiot." and walked off again. He cme back later and gruffly issued a command to grab the other tote from the floor for elements.
There are two things on the floor that contained elements that he could have been referring to: One, being the big blue wheelie totes that basically contains inital scrap waste, and the other being a large cardboard box that scrap elements found later down the line are tossed into.
I ask "Am i going to need to bring the pallet Jack?" Trying to discern which "tote" he is talking about. Remember, the last time I took initive, i got yelled at anyway.
"WHAT, YOU WANNA CARRY IT BY YOURSELF? YES BRING THE PALLET JACK!" and stormed off again. The LEam tead was there, and supposedly said something to him about it and that "I'll get an apology later on before you leave". Yeah, Sure. good thing i didn't hold my breath.
"Fuck and double fuck. these last two nights have sucked. Gosh, i hope tonight is better." Was all i could think when i woke up last night. Bzzzt. wrong.
At work last night, i got pulled aside by the team lead, and voiced her concerns about me wearing the same clothes every day to work, and that people are noticing and making comments about it.
"I mean, i dunno if you take a bath or anything, but i mean, you gotta have other pants and shirts to wear, right? Get some color going on there."
she actually said that. word for fucking word.
What. the. fuck.
Now, let me explain something here.
When I was hired, I was told not to "wear anything that I'm attached to", since they will most definately get covered in resin in the factory.
I have three pairs of older carhartt Jeans I cycle through for work. all are the same light brownish color, as they were bought aorund the same time and have faded with repeated washings. I have a Dickies long sleeve workshirt i wear as a smock over my tshirt(THAT I CHANGE EVERY FUCKING DAY AS WELL AS MY SOCKS AND UNDERWEAR, YOU FUCKTARDS) So only the smock gets resin on it and not the tshirt. The smock is covered in dried resin, and gets washed every week(AS WELL AS MY OTHER CLOTHES, YOU FUCKTARDS) but unfortunately some of that resin is just plain and simply not going to come off.
I don't have a large operating budget here, ESPECIALLY since they have been only running us 4 days a week for the last month, So I don't really like the idea of ruining all my clothes just so i can keep up appearences. I'm not there to catch snatch with what I wear, anyway. I'm there to work. I cannot afford the luxory of fashion at this point. especially on these wages.
And seriously, "I dunno if you take a bath or anything"? WHAT THE FUCK. Water's included in my fucking rent. so YES I take a fucking shower. DAILY. EVERY FUCKING DAY.
I was so pissed when I walked out of there at the end of the shift, I could barely see straight. I didn't even wait aroud in the lot for my car to warm up. I wanted the fuck out of there.
ANd yet, they wonder why they have such a high turnover.
If i had a sure line on another job, I would have walked out of there on lunch. if i didn't need the money, I would have walked and hope I got lucky on a job offer quick. Sadly, Luck does not pay bills.
As soon as I get a spare 300 bucks, I'm getting CompTIA A+ certified. Dosen't Mean I'm certainly going to land a job, but I'm real sick and tired of the skills i do have not getting much more than fucking peanuts. i should have been certified ten fucking years ago.
So, in summary.
I'm a retard, and a skank. Awesome.
Thanks for the performace review.
Maybe tonight I'll find out that I'm also a baby-raper or something.
Not a real update, but you guys deserve something for the recent public sappiness I have made.
So, a little project I worked on in the last day and a half. Not too great, mind you, but my tools are limited at best. Also, this is what happens when you're left alone a lot and you start telling yourself to shut up because you're tired of hearing yourself talk. either way, I got a kick out of it, and I'm trying to stretch my artistic legs a bit. in other words, All my crayons are broke. that can be taken so many ways.
A bunch of reasons, an excerpt from something I sent you, a couple of quotes, and a picture.
Why i love you
1 Your loyalty to me and everyone or everything that matters to you
2 Your selflessness when it has come to dealing with me
3 Your Patience. god you have been so patient when it comes to dealing with my hang ups
4 Your eyes that I can get lost in
5 Your confidence, strength, and integrity
6 Your hair
7 How you have been 100% honest, even when it hurt
8 Your kindness
9 The way you always try to help others
10 How you stand up for what you believe in
11 Your generosity
12 The fact you said "it" first
13 How you inspired me to see my life could be so much more
14 Your optimism, you always look for and find the positive in everything
15 The way you always encourage and believe in me
16 The fact that you know exactly where you are going in life and will do whatever it takes to get there
17 Your courage even in the face of adversity
18 Your boldness and independence
19 Your faithfulness and sense of honor
20 Your gentleness with me
21 How you are always understanding with me even though I sometimes don't deserve it
22 How much you and I share in common, as well as the things we differ on
23 The little things you do that you think I may not notice, but do
24 How you sometimes give up things you've wanted just for my benefit
25 Your taste in music, especially our shared tastes and the stuff you have introduced me to
26 How you always can make me laugh or smile even at times when I don't want to
27 Your zaniness and love of life
28 The fact that you know when to act like an adult and when to act like a kid
29 How you are always kind to animals
30 The fact that you aren't afraid to cry
31 How you try to help me
32 The way you hold me
33 The way you brighten up a room to me just by being there
34 How much you've taught me about life and myself
35 Your intelligence
36 Your zest for life
37 Your excellent people skills
38 Your soft spoken voice that says so much to me
39 Your craziness
40 The love you show me
41 How awesome you have been to my mom and gma
42 The fact you love pancakes
43 Your uniqueness - there is nobody else in the world like you and nobody will ever come close
44 Your leet Tony Hawk skills
45 The amazing new experiences that I've shared for the first time with you and only you
46 The way you make me feel about myself, even when my brain is out to get me
47 How you always tell me and show me often how much you love me
48 How you don't mind holding my hand or showing me affection
49 The way you kiss me and touch me and how I can never get enough of it
50 The fact that you were willing to take a chance on me
51 The thoughtful gifts you've given to me
52 The heart-touching txts and pictures you've sent for me
53 The way you've opened up your heart and life to me
54 The fact that I learn new things about you everyday
55 The way you look at me that makes me melt inside
56 How you always try to bring out the best in me
57 How you never take life for granted
58 The way you always inspire me
59 The fact that you are as much of a dreamer as me
60 The fact that i feel you are my true soulmate and how i have honestly never felt that ever in my life
61 The way that you know how to not take life too seriously and live for the moment
62 How forgiving you are
63 Your incredibly big heart
64 How you always know what to say and how to say it in any situation
65 The way you always seem to be able to read my mind
66 Your extreme patience with me even when I push it to the limit sometimes
67 Your wit and wisdom
68 How you always comfort me or give me a shoulder to cry on when I need it
69 How I know you'll always be here for me through good times and bad no matter what
70 The fact that I know you are 'the one' for me
71 Your uniqueness - there is nobody else in the world like you and nobody will ever come close
72 How beautiful you are, even when you don't think you are
73 Your determination and conviction and how once you set your mind on something that nobody can change it
74 Your incredible dreams and visions for our future that will come true
75 How much you know about me now and that you've seen both my good sides and bad and that you still love me anyway
76 How much excitement you bring into my life everyday - you're not afraid to take risks
77 The Potential you see in me - Especially when I can't see it myself
78 The fact that now I know what love is, that you are the person who I have wanted to love all my life, and the first person who has ever truly loved me.
---
Love, true love, is the only thing I can put any measure of faith in. The ability to have that intimate, intense passion for another person is so crucial if this world is ever going continue thriving because in the end, It is the only true reason to live. Love is the difference between a sated and a unfufilled life. I have thirsted for what you can provide me for so long. With the taste of you on my tongue, especially after such a long drought, I cannot help but want to drink you deep. Even as love makes desperate fools of us all, it is not desperation or foolishness I will claim that leads me here.
No, not desperation at all. It is desire. Desire to keep the searing flame of love alight that rages within me that you set ablaze. I ache to quench your thirsts, fuel your fires, satisfy your every want as you do mine. desire to feel a total completeness with you. I hunger to draw out from within that smile, your soft laugh, the playful glint as your eyes meet with mine, holding within you secrets. It is with unwavering, raw, and charged emotion that drives me to want to see another day start and end, with you, every day.
I can neither sway the seasons, nor turn back the tide, I cannot stop the spin of our world on its axis or ask time to stand still. I cannot Write a song, paint, take a picture, or even voice the right string of words when I am with you sometimes. But I can, and I will, here, in this place, say as loudly as my keyboard will allow: That I have, can, will, and do completley Love you, as deeply as one can love another.
---
"I have been astonished that Men could die Martyrs for religion. I have shuddered at it. I shudder no more. I could be martyred for my Religion. Love is my religion. I could die for that. I could die for you. My Creed is Love and you are its only tenet. [...]I cannot breathe without you."
- John Keats
"Love is a sweet tyrant
because the lover endures the torments willingly."
-Niphas
Happy Valentine's day, Robin. I Hope that you see this.
I can't stop listening to Vespertine right now. And that Band of Horses song. The one i want to be so bad.
You are needed so bad. I can't tell you that enough.
I can't even really write much more right now.
I just keep breaking down.
Just keep breaking down.
Keep breaking.
Breaking.
So, a song. One of "mine", so to speak. Maybe not as beautiful as yours, but I am not beautiful either in so many ways. so it fits me, in so many ways.
You see them in everything. It's like you look for them. Meaning. Hoping to find a method to the madess. Always trying to find the conspiracy that isn't there, because you need to be able to explain it to yourself. You have to have that reason. Things just can't be. X matches with Y. Y matches with Z. Z matches with W, which matches with X. Over and over again, coincidence dosen't seem to exist in your vocabulary anymore.
Why do you do it? Because of what can happen? Hate to tell you this, buddy. You can't stop it if it does, anyway, so stop preparing already. You only make things worse in the long term, and you agonize in the short term. And I am so goddamned tired of you agonizing. 'Well what about this? dosen't this mean anything? and that! that's gotta mean something! what is it?' Fuck, enough already. And you wonder what your problem is. You yourself say we only got one chance at this whole game, and yet you continue to worry about the bigger implications. mole hills or mountains, pal. Decide. You can't have it both ways.
Maybe you're the one who wants to run. Scared of the unknown absolutes that no matter how hard you try, you just can't make sense. So easy to give in and put yourself in this kind of circumstances because you fear the alternative. oh, not scared? Just tired of it? Hmm. aren't we all? And just what have you done that you so rightly deserve such rewards? OH, you've survived. Well let me get you a fucking medal.
Fuck it. you aren't even listening to me. Go sob some more. That'll really help out.
Maybe you are finally going crazy.
At least you'd have an explanation.
I'm always trying to figure it out. How do you feel true love, when you have said you felt it before? This is always bothering me. I don't doubt what I feel now; in fact, it scares me because it is so alien, so different than in the past. But how do you do service to both the current, without completely disowning what once was? It's not about pining the past, given what I have now, it dosen't even compare. But it's about what I felt back then... If this is what I call true, when what and why did I feel something else back then? why does it feel like i am doing a disservice to myself for calling the old feelings false compared to the now?
This, in the now, it's hard to cope with sometimes because it's a sensation I really feel like i've never dealt with. and i'm always worrying about some impending loss, to the point that it becomes too much for the other to deal with. I dream up these nightmare scenarios where i end up on the losing end again becuase other nightmare scenarios have happened before and I can't go through it again.
I know there's some out there that will go "Pfft. Amateur. You got plenty of time", but fuck you. You don't get to where I am by falling so easily. I gaurded myself well. But why? Why was I always so closed off to the idea of not getting into a relationship unless it was going to go somewhere? Again, another thing that bothers me and I don't know if there's some secret craving where I get into something right when I get my defenses built up or what.
I can't discount the past, but at the same time, I can't use it as a basis of what I felt because this is vastly different than in the before. So the summation of what I know is right out the window. But the fear remains. The fear of something going horribly wrong, or the fear of feelings being too raw and uncontrollable that it ends up destroying everything. is that even possible? To love someone so much that it can tear everything apart? Why do I have to make this so complicated for myself?
It's times like this I just want to lay in bed for a day or two, and get my shit sorted out so I don't fuck up the good with my perceived threats.
Touch Me
Fingers drawing lines
On forgotten flesh
Lips passing electric emotions
Between each other
Hands lock
Security is..
Remind me
That i'm still human
This is going to be
And
That Everything's fine
Heal me
So much over so much
Time
Pulling jagged shards
out
that I jammed in
myself
and bleed
Hurting
just for a little bit
so all may scar over
and I can begin
Learning this feeling
all over again
After so long
Relearn everything i know
about love
and joy
and you
Will have your
Self
presence
and I'll Have my
Completion
But for now
Touch me
Crave me
Need me.
Repaying an old debt. Sorry I took a year to do it. I'm a tard.
I got tagged by Midwest Geek and need to do the following:
1. List five things that you don't know about me.
2. "Tag" five other bloggers to do the same on their blogs.
3. Then those five bloggers tag five other bloggers and hopefully don't take a goddamn year to respond.
1. I Started my own Final Fantasy(NES) fan club in grade school. it had 4 members: Me, James Moore, Jeremy Dixon, and David Newsom. Wrote a letter to Nintendo, got one back, framed it and everything. The club was disbanded after David Newsom Borrowed the game from me and beat it before i did.
2. I was diagnosed with Ankyloglossia and had my tongue clipped when I was 3. If you've ever heard me in person, this probably answers hundreds of questions.
3. Other than #2, I've never had major surgery.
4. When I was 16, I ran away from home. Got The Trots, went back home. Total time spent as a runaway: one and a half hours.
5. how about a rare picture? I thought I had lost this picture forever. Ahh, to be 20-ish again, when drinking was a lot more fun.
In case you haven't noticed, I've not been doing much in the way up updating as of late. I have things to write about, but I find myself catching myself from writing it, thinking "Will it be good?" "Will so-and-so take it the wrong way?" "is it funny?" and other questions.
I also have a certain formula I do with writing updates, and I think the very formula is stifling me.
Hell, let's be honest, I'm stifling myself.
Third Shift in a factory is a lonely existence for me. I never realized how much of a social creature I am in my past jobs. Being a literal cog-in-the-machine, I have about 8 hours where I do nothing but think since the hands are on auto-pilot. When I'm not overanalyzing stuff with the girl, preparing myself for conversations and crazy, blown out of proportion situtations with the girl that never materialize outside of my own paranoid head, how much I miss being social with my customers, and how I feel severely underutilized at my job(if you knew my job, my pay, and my experience, you'd scream "What the fuck are you doing there?!?!?!", Too), I think about how I miss writing out the stories in my head, or the things that are on my mind. That takes me on a different avenue, to where I imagine a whacked-out future where I actually make a litle bank being a writer of stories. I have about 4 books(or at least pretty damn decent teleplays) in my head written at the moment just from the last 3 weeks of work. And I don't want it to stop.
I've been opening up my experiences musically, too. Finding inspiration in new stuff, sampling this and that from the girlfriend's collection, and expanding on others I heard a lot on Groove Salad, and Sirius Chill and during my last tenure at the Liquor store. Getting some reading in too, mostly books I have had for a while and couldn't get the time to finish, or picking up the rare new book that I feel like I can splurge on. It feels good to be developing my palate after not doing so in over a year. It's all feeding into driving me a bit more.
Now, you're probably going "What the hell? this sucks! COME ON, fucking dance already, cowboy!" Yeah, you're probably right. Hold the fuck on, already.
You see, I realized that things for me, while they aren't quite ideal yet, they're getting there, slowly. Now, given, when I first started doing updates back in aught-3, I was also in a particulary okay place. I wrote, and I covered things that interested me, but I didn't... write, and I don't feel like I truly started to pour myself out until the bottom dropped out. Granted, I look back on some of the stuff I did post and go "Jesus, what an emo fag" and want to tear it all down, but... I don't. Not becuse I want to leave a permanent Internet Memorial to lost love or think everything I shit out on here is fried fucking gold, but becuase it marks where things were at the time. It's a part of my history, and I can't and wouldn't change it. It does, However, clash with the more recent upbeat goings-on.
So, what I'm leading into is that the site is in a sort of a spiritual dichotomy. It was built on me being dejected and bleak, not having that feeling of hope for what tomorrow brings. It grew under the purpose of me venting my anger and self-hatred out into the world, of finding that kindred, self-destructive part in you that has been there before and remember how/what you felt, or for those who haven't been there, and wanted to watch a flame burn itself out. I wanted to be your mirror, or that horrible statue you just keep gawking at, wondering who in thier right mind would have sculpted that.
Not to piss on my own happiness, but Goddamnit, that's what i'm good at. I used to be awesome at fucking things up for myself. I'm great at generating volumes of worthless hatred for whatever's got me hacked off today. Throw a healthly Seasoning of What-a-fucking-Weirdo, bake at 375 Degrees for an hour, and ta-da! An TAOSD update. And now, I struggle with the very concept, it seems. I have happy, sometimes a bit fucking weird, things to talk about, but nothing there that seems to be what I used to write about. I even toyed with renaming the blog. The concept of Self-Destruction dosen't seem to be in these pages these days. But Mr. Reznor hasn't sued me yet, and I like the title.
And despite what it sounds, i'm not whining about how I feel I have lost that creative edge and need something to make me feel shitty in order to recapture it. Quite the opposite. I feel more creatively inspired than I have in a long time. I have quite the inspiring Muse to draw off of. My problem, of late, has been time, and how to frame what I got within the context of the blog without giving all three of you readers the feeling that I've jumped the shark and have nothing further to offer except puppies that shit sunshine out thier asses.
Then I got all Ving Rhames and said "Fuck y'all. I write what I want." So... if you're still following at this point, here's what I've come to, i think.
I'm going to write, just to write, and keep the noose of self-censure off my neck as much as I can. less Lawful Good, more Chaotic Neutral. As it should have been all along before I got myself caught up in whatever self-restraint I was doing trying to pander to a varied audience for validation. I'm gonna let it take me for a ride, not worry if anyone else hitched on, and see where the hell I end up. The Idea, in theory, will let me stretch my mental legs and get me back on this horse again. Things are going to be jumbled up a bit, and not everything is going to be presented as having a basis in fact with some sort of tragic or happy event that is going on in my life. Things may get obscure, or outright confusing. There may be in-jokes involved that only few or I get. I may ramble on and on about things that don't appear to have any sort of cohesion. Kind of like this whole wall of text.
Confidential to Sarah: Now you got me fucking with my main page and contemplating a redesign.
Tman beating me in blog updates this month means only one thing: The end is extremely fucking nigh.
Speaking of me sucking ass, I just recorded myself singing a song and concluded with concrete proof that not only do i possess an untrained voice with no natural talent whatsoever, but i'm most likely tone deaf and ABSOLUTELY NO ONE would ever think it sweet and endearing if i were to say, dub a song with my own vox and lyrics. No music career for me.
I'm beginning to run out of artistic things i can do to express some of the shit running in my head.
And with that, i do have something for you.
Few of you have probably heard of a dream I once had long ago, called "Civil War". I kept it to myself for special occasional tellings between me and the brothers Jones, and Actually had a retelling of it this weekend with Brandocrap, and realized the inheriant flaw of memories: No matter how much you try to remember them, they will fade in time. I should have wrote it out years ago, but this dream is the type of thing that, at the time, i wasn't real keen on sharing publicly. As i've explained before, my dreams don't really fit a discernable pattern. I can't dissect them and get much of an interpretation other than "Wow, I really am a fucking weirdo."
So, for the Sake of Archiving this before my own memory fades further, and assuring all of you that I am batshit insane and never need to do any kind of psychoactive drug EVER, I present to you: "Civil War".
Even though this is a NSFW website, I must foreword this with a warning.
This is a seriously fucked up dream. Turn back now or don't blame me if you get offended.
I had this dream in 99 or 00.
I am an astronaut, strapping up into the copilot seat with twelve others for an important mission. Destination: the moon. So there we are, getting ready to blast off, the crowds gathering and cheering us on, for somehow the fate of the world rsts on this very important mission to the moon. 3....2...1... lift off. Everything's going fine.
About 5-10 miles up, our engines suddenly cut out, the shuttle flips direction, and starts nosediving towards the earth. Panic obviously sets in. The patch of dirt that we are going to crash into has a giant red X on it. The nose of the shuttle has undergoes a transformation at the last moment, turning into a giant drill bit, and there we are, boring our way to the center of the earth.
We reach the Moon in the center of the earth, and step gingerly out onto the surface, bobbing gently about due to gravity. everything seems normal, with the very obvious exception of having reached it via some space-time warp in the center of the earth What we do not know, however, is that we aren't alone.
A dark wave comes over the western horizon. Johnson yells through the com-link "What the hell is that?". The rest of us are treated to a horrifying sight: An army of upright cockroaches, Decked out for battle with the incumbent species-us. The cockroaches are your garden variety-looking roaches, with two exceptions: They stand upright and are 6-7 feet tall, and they have a humanoid ass where a cockroach ass should be.
Giant moon roaches with human asses are on our way to slaughter us. Wilkins, The resident weapons officer, rushes into the shuttle and breaks out the weapons - oversized cannons that shoot dildos. "AIM FOR THE ASSES!" He exclaims. "It's the only way to kill them!"
So there we are, fighting valiently, losing two in the inital rush, holding back the obvious impending doom with guns that shoot dildos. Do you know how hard it is to flank a giant roach in order to shoot at it's ass? It's difficult, to say the least. We are holding out, but we are losing ground. Another crew member goes down. then another. Soon, there are only 8 of us left, we are barely holding the ground around our spaceship, and the hordes are endless.
Then, from the east, a shining light! A rampaging army of human-sized bunnies spring forth. armed to the groin with..giant human dicks, here to penetrate the deadly moonroach army into oblivion. The roaches don't stand a chance because the bunny army have genitalia that drags on the ground. gaining a second wind, we cheer them on as they decimate the roaches.
The Battlefield is clear, the army of the giant moonroaches lay wasted before us. One of us walks up to what we assume to be the leader of the Giant Dick Bunny Army to thank them for thier help and to establish a connection to this friendly alien species.
The bunnies turn, encircling upon us and frogmarch us into our shuttle, piling in with us to maximium capacity. They then order us to set course for the Sun. Terrified that we are going to our doom, Smith, the pilot, protests.
In reaction, the bunnies grab Smith and gangrape him, killing him in mid coitus. Johnson Grabs a spare Dildo Rifle and shoots it at one of the bunnies. It is completely ineffective, and he gets raped to death as well.
Now, I'm the pilot, and they are ordering me to fly to the sun. what the fuck am I going to do? I'm flying the motherfuckers to the sun. Hey, dunno about you, but iId rather burn up than get raped by bunnies with massive penii. Maybe they got thier fill of forced sex on. Well, no luck. The whole crew gets raped on the trip to the sun since it takes about six months. Awesome. Just awesome. how am I going to look at my wife ever again back home, knowing I have been brutalized by a fucking giant space rabbit?
We're floating about 250 miles from the surface of the very very hot sun, we are sweating profusely, violated, and now out of fuel. I explain to the Bunny leader that we are out of fuel so we can't get any closer, and they say "No problem." They then open the airlock, wave goodbye, and leap forth into space, the entire army drifting towards the sun.
So, now we're in decaying orbit around the sun, no fuel, food is low, and we can't kill ourselves in shame becuase the only means to murder-suicide ourselves shoot fucking dildos. Can't open the airlock and suffocate either, since the vaccum of space is apparently breatheable. So we languish there for probably a month, when some of the despondant crew spot a flame shooting out from the sun. "Sunflare. Thank god. Maybe we'll die." Nope, it is a bunny, from the army that spacenapped us and brought us here. It hurtles towards us, and as it gets nearer, we notice the bunny is charred and beaten-badly.
It impacts against the window portal, smearing blood and bits of charred flesh upon it. We all crowd around in disbelief.
"What happened, little bunny?" One of the crewmembers asks, genuine concern tinging his question. (We were raped by them, by the way, I just wanted to point that out yet again)
It's reply becomes it's death rattle.
"CIIIVVVVVIIIIIILLL WAAARRRRR........"
We all openly cry for the loss of such a gentle soul.
One of the things I have been reintroduced to(i.e. i knew of,but didn't listen to much of) since I started this whole relationship business is Bjork. and I consider that a very good thing. Oh lord, how much have I missed out. I tend to associate music with who i am dating at the time, and I believe Bjork and Sparks is probably the most closely matched pairings i've ever made.
The Best way to explain it is to just have you look at the cover for Volta. just about any Music Video She has done works too: Very elegant, artistic, and surreal, but trying to make absolute sense out of(as I am often want to do with women it seems, that's a problem on my end) is a fucking nightmare.
Further using the "Sparks as my Bjork" Metaphor, this is probably the best way to describe some of our conversations.(EDIT: was a youtube link, found the .gif instead)
Now, onto what I really wanted to make a short post about.
As I said, I've been getting into the Icelandic wonder of late, and I stumbled across a video from her latest Album. I spent a half hour jumping around my apartment playing air guiter with a broom, which is pretty much the only reason i bought the broom, and quite possibly the only reason why i wanted to live on my own- So i could do such acts without crashing in the floor or pissing off moms or gma with my dreams of playing crazy electro-rock. Serious fucking business, yo.
If you can find the quicktime for this video, I highly recommend watching it. Youtube compression dosen't do justice to the crazy. Or to the hotness of Miss Guomundsdottir.
The ongoing misadventures of a late 20's 30 year old male still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. Suggestions, hate mail, wedding proposals, and naked pictures of hot women can be sent here.
