Last update of the year.


Nobody really came to this to see the good things, so lets get them out of the way first.

Love Blooms - lots of friends becoming committed to thier respective halves this year, engagements, marriage, and anniversaries prosper. Above all the gloom, I’m glad for every one of them.

Friendships Revived - Seeing Cliff, Dawn, and Noelle Back in June after missing them last year. The ressurection of the Joplin Gathering, and seeing a large contingent of friends that I haven’t seen in a long time, and meeting new ones as well that I hope to see again next year.

Wander Lust - While in Ohio, going to Evans City, Pennsylvania, Where it all started. Then in October, the West Coast Super Death Trip with Brandocrap, which was more or less a condensed version of "The Tour of the Dead". Eleven states got their faces rocked in nine days, With California Getting the brunt of the attack.

Zigga, Please - A lot of Zombie Movies(some good, some horrible) released this year, Not to mention the return of the great one, George A Romero.

Noise God - With Teeth Released, then the NIN Concert @ St. Louis In October.

Au Graits - Compy gets Upgraded, thanks to castoffs from Cracka Jack and Brandocrap, and a Backlog of Computer games to play, NOtable ones being Warcraft 3, Half-Life 2, Civilization 3, Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic, and the ever-succulent Neverwinter Nights.


But What should be the greatest day of days, isn’t. Last year, I was sad because I wasn’t with the one I loved. This year, I am bitter. I had my chance earlier this year. Somehow, I blew it yet again. From what I understand, I was too pushy about getting back to where we were. Then, I was Betrayed. I listened to advice that wasn’t In my best interests. I poured myself out to the very person who now has a detailed roadmap of my mistakes.

It seems I am fit only to stand in your shadow. In love, in life, and in work. Do you see why I am bitter yet? Do you understand? I’m supposed to be okay with this, even congratulate you for doing what I appearantly could not. Grin, bear it, and wish you two well. You seem to be doing fine without them. Perfect, even.

I guess it was all a pipe dream anyway. I have grown too old, jaded, and ugly to make it work. So these are the words of the wrong, and the wronged. A testimony of the walking wounded. the ones who love, Who lose, who lament.

Nothing else to say, I guess. Nothing that matters.



Always.





And Never.


broken bruised forgotten sore
too fucked up to care anymore
poisoned to my rotten core
too fucked up to care anymore

Been playing a lot of Neverwinter Nights Diamond of late(a hearty thank you goes to The Jones Boys for that one), that and work has been the reason for the lack of quality updates(and I use the word quality loosely here). so, apologies to my readers, all three of you.


Tomorrow is the big bash and the Slowbek’s. It is also the day of what is usually my most personal update of the year, of which is also part of the reason of the lack of updates, as I’ve been working on it this week.

But for today, we’ll be blind to that for now, and do a much more uplifting update, if not a bit bland.

I didn’t read many books that came out in 05, so we’re going to skip over that one.

Top 5 Watch of 05


1. Land of the Dead; Simon Baker, John Leguizamo, Dennis Hopper.

2. Sin City; Bruce Willis, Mickey Rourke, Jessica Alba.

3. Hotel Rwanda; Don Cheadle, Nick Nolte, Joaquin Phoenix.

4. Constantine;Keanu Reeves, Rachel Weisz, Gavin Rossdale.

5. Million Dollar Baby; Clint Eastwood, Hilary Swank, Morgan Freeman.


Top 5 Listen of 05


1. With Teeth; Nine Inch Nails

2. Demon Days; Gorillaz

3. In Your Honor; Foo Fighters.

4. Community Service II; The Crystal Method

5. Little by Little; Harvey Danger


Top 5 Play of 05:

1. Resident Evil 4; Capcom.

2. We Heart Katamari; Namco.

3. God Of War; SCEA

4, NHL 2K6; Sega.

5. Star Wars: Battlefront II; LucasArts.


Till the Morrow, kid.

Livingdead


Keep you locked in

So easy to slag when you’re the one who benefits from my mistakes, hmm?


Oh, look. I can make thinly veiled references, too.


Livingdead


You know I can see
What you really are

Dear whatever imaginary person this is supposed to go to:

This is kind of a last minute thing(much like anything I do), and I seriously doubt that you will come through with this(I’m still waiting on that Tonka Dump Truck And Crane when I was five), but I thought I would give this a try nonetheless.

Now, if you ask me and several relations, I haven’t exactly been a stellar person this year. What with the drunken rampages, getting kicked out of school, completely fucked things up with the ex, all the hatred I keep pent-up, and the general disdain i have for my fellow man, but I think if you’ll sit down and listen to my side of the story over a plate of cookies and vodka-spiked milk, you’ll see that I’m not the complete villian that said people would paint me. It would take too long to refute all these charges at the moment, but i thought I would go ahead and let you in on what I feel I deserve for whatever the fuck this holiday is supposed to be. It’s a short list, as i’m not a greedy person:


1. I want to Strangle every last human being in the world to the point of death.



Merry Whatever,


Livingdead



P.S. If you don't come through, I hope you choke on Frosty's Icicle, You fat fuck.



I wasn't born with enough middle fingers

Goddamn you, Midway Games.

When I was but a wee Livingdead, I was one of the last kids to get a NES. Being poor, I had to settle for playing my Atari 2600. It wasn’t such a bad deal, Because all the other kids gave me thier "sucky" Atari games, Because Nintendo was so "awesome" and they were never going to play Atari games ever again, So I wasn’t completely deprived, as I had a new Atari game to play every so often. Suckers. Now, because you got rid of your Atari games, you have to buy them all over again!

Sorry, gloating. Let’s continue.

Anyways, I did finally get a NES when they came down to under 100 bucks. That version came with no game, no zapper, and only one controller(Odd how that would become the standard for consoles later on, yet the systems still were expensive as fuck. Gotta love technology). Then, on the way home from wherever we got it from, we stopped by Pooh’s, who was selling some of thier used NES games off.

After agonizing over which one I wanted, I settled upon Gauntlet. Having remembered playing once in an arcade and dropping a metric fuckton of quarters in it at Frank's Arcade and Auction House.

Fast forward about, oh, 13 years, and one supakickass remake later, I have just experienced my first taste of Gauntlet: Seven Sorrows. Back on the old blog, I went absolutely batshit about how this one would be online, which would make gathering four people together for a massive hack-n-slash dorkout a hell of a lot easier, Right?

Not Quite.

Now, I should be thankful that they even did decide to do such a thing as online play. But if you’re going to do something, it should be done right, or at least a hell of a lot better than the current incarnation that is Seven Sorrows Online. My two major beefs with the online play?

1. No private game feature. Getting out and meeting the other fellow players online is nice every so often, but if I want to game with just one or two of my buddies, it isn’t happening. Anyone can join in at anytime, which can quickly go from meeting a cool cat from Cali to having some fuckwad From bumfuck Utah screwing up everyone else’s game by sniping gold and health and holding up everyone else's progress by not moving with the rest of the party. That’s not even counting the issues you're going to have with...

2. Lag. fuck me running, I haven’t lagged This bad since i was playing Quake on a 14.4 modem on a server at UKY. I’m not one of those types that gets all pissy with an occasional hiccup in a network game, even if it does get me killed or screws up a combo I was pulling off. But come on! For a game that is broadband only, has very few games and players online(It’s only been out for a week), and is supposed to be designed for four-player online action with voice headsets, the amount of stutter during the game is simply unacceptable.

Otherwise, the game is great. Nice experience/ability system, no more potions to shoot, sweet graphics(although, theyare part of the lag problem and I would have traded graphics for better network performance), and of course, the tried and true Gauntlet experience that you all love.

I’d stick with multiplayer via multitap instead of online, though.


Enough bitching. I got a funeral to go to tomorrow, and bedtime is dangerously close.


mdame


Keep watching from your picket fence

I meant to get this up earlier then now, but hey, things happen.

Friday at work. this guy comes in, looks around, asks if he has any late charges. No, no you don’t, because you haven’t rented in a month, and you didn’t have any when you checked monday, either.

Anyway, looks around, then leaves.

Comes back ten minutes later,. asks me and My co-worker a question.

"Did you guys happen to notice anything strange when i was in here?"

We look to each other, and shake our heads. I’m thinking ’Wonderful. Some do-gooder dumbshit who wanted to see if we’d notice him stealing something.’

"Uhm, no."

"Well, My belt buckle was undone and I just noticed it myself, and I was just wondering if you guys noticed, or if anyone complained about my belt being undone."


Right, because when a GUY comes into the store, the first place I’m going to look is at his crotch. Moron.

Of course, he then motions towards said nether parts, showing the now offending belt properly buckled. Customers are staring in our direction in desbelief.

"No. No one complained."

"Okay then. Have a nice night." then walks out.

Upon his exit, co-worker starts laughing, Customers are laughing, some elaborating on how he’s a fruitcake, and I’m Creeped the fuck out, having just heard earlier this week that he’s *ahem* a bit of a Peeper with the boys.

Seriously, if you realized that you had your fly open, would you go BACK INTO the place of business you were just at and then ask the employees if they happened to notice that the barn door was open? I think I wouldn’t show up again till at least the next shift change.

this ranks right up there with the time the old black woman stopped in and asked about our tanning lotion, thinking it was sex jelly, then telling me that we shoudl sell that stuff so she can buy some to "get her man excited". in fact, i’m pretty damned sure this surpasses that. at least that was funny. this was outright creepy.

I really want these goddamned holidays to hurry the fuck up and get over with. i value the time with the friends, but hate just about every other aspect of it nowadays, and for good reason.

Of course I had to end on a bitter note. Did you expect any less of me?



mdame


Makes you talk a little lower
About the things you could not show her

Despite the wealth of material I would be able to reap from it, I don't really write about my dreams too much. Partly because this isn't some sort of dream journal stuck next to my bed that’s faggoted up with unicorn and skull stickers. Partly because by the time I get around to banging out an update on here, I forget major chunks of the dream.

The last reason, which is most likely the biggest reason, is becuase I seem to not be able to have a simple "cigar in a cave" dream, where the symbols are easy to digest and interpret upon waking up. oh, lordy no.


No, instead of dreams that hold simple icons that can reflect hidden characteristics and bring greater understanding of one's self, or are the symbol of deep desires that I dearly want, I get:

Hyp-hopping through Wikipedia or IMDB

Playing Game X all night long(usually after a marathon session of playing game in question)

Dreams where I'm fighting Zombies(I used to have these almost nightly, now only about once a week. I kinda miss them)

The infamous "Civil War" dream (Another blog in itself)

A dream I had when I was a teenager that is too complex to put up here(again, one of those another blogs in itself) I wrote a story about it for H.S. English and ended up getting a D- minus Becuase it had absolutely nothing to do with the subject I was supposed to be covering

Working a hideously long shift, complete with an all-star cast of trouble customers, only to get off work, go home, set the alarm and hit the sack, only to be woke up in reality mere minutes after I fall asleep in the dream

"Serial" dreams, where I pick up where a dream left off the night before. these can take up to a week to finish, usually involving zombies or some post-apocalypse scenario(these are actually pretty cool, but never make any goddamned sense)

Teaming up with the ghoulies to fight crime

Last night's dream involved a girl who I would love to get to know better, and yet, becoming completely terrified to attempt to kiss her (despite the "go ahead" Signals she was blatantly sending) and ending up walking out of her house to play a broken pinball machine at Walt's pizza, after Having played the Hero and Saving a school of children from a crazy pedophile Who took the entire school hostage to indulge his fantasy of touching children with Sticks of Butter.


Anyone wanna try and psychology any of that? the online dream interpreters don't have listings for Zombies, Pinball machines, and Sticks of butter, not to mention Cockroaches with human asses and Rabbits with huge male genetalia.

Told ya I was out there.


mdame



go back to sleep

Linkage added. No, I dunno why I didn’t add it sooner, either.

Still speaking of games.... BWAHAHAHAHA.


Making breakfast soon, so I’ll keep this short.

Saw Sin city Uncut for sale last night at Wal-Mart( I have a love-hate relationship on many levels with that place) and took everything in me to keep from buying it. between that, Resident Evil 4, Tony Hawk’s American Wasteland, Dragon Quest VII, and a slew of other things, I made good getting out of there not buying any of them. Times like this make me miss having two jobs. Sure, I was burnt the fuck out, and i had almost no free time, but i made enough money that blowing 50-60 bucks on games or movies a week didn’t put me in a tight spot.

Then again, when I was working two jobs, I was also drinking half my paycheck away every weekend in addition to buying said games and movies, so I still ended up close to broke every weekend.

I’m half-ass confident now that I'm not trying to actively kill myself by way of Alcohol Poisoning, that I would at least do marginally better. hindsight, 20/20, and all that fucking bullshit that people use to assuage themselves about the past.

More musings later. Time to cook up some grits, hash, bacon, eggs, and toast for the G-ma and Moms.


mdame

How can I hold on
With nothing to hold on to

I had a more serious update I was going to put up, but I’m going to sit on it for a while. Plus, I got into a mood, and decided to write this instead. Hooray for poor impulse control!

Today is one of those instances I wish I had a intimate Knowledge of the Japanese Language. You see, December is the Japanese release date for the newest installment of Front Mission. For the uninitated, Front Mission is a series of games centered around Tactical Mech Combat, A cross of Final Fantasy Tactics(of Which I suck horribly at, therefore hate) and Battletech(of which I love, unless you’re talking about the pen-and-paper Game, In which case, I absolutely hate it). Now, Normally, when you bring two elements of things you don’t care for together, you end up with something that makes you vomit upon contact with the cursed thing. In this case, however, it happens to come together in such a way that, I believe if was promoted right, could actually facilitate World Peace.

But there is a problem. I’ll get to this.

I’ve been a fan of the Front Mission Series Since FM 3. Great Game, IMHO. One of the best titles for the regular Playstation, Not too difficult to learn, but nothing you’re going to breeze through in the course of an evening, mostly becuase the Battles are a good 20 some-odd Minutes. Perhaps you have to be a Bit of a Tactical Dork to enjoy it(While I’m not a Fan of FFT, I do have a soft spot in my heart for Ogre Battle. And yes, I know they’re almost the same fucking game), with the different setups you can make you wanzers. That, and the feel of your Giant Walking Tank Kicking all kinds of ass just turns the proverbial crank in me.

My Only Problem? The goddamned Characters. I hate them. I have NO sympathy for them, and frequently, I wish the characters in the cut-scenes would STFU already. I cannot tell you how many times I put Ryogo’s (by far the character I hate the most) purple-hued machine blatantly in the path of the Strongest Enemy on the field and actively cheered on his death. he was annoying as hell, his dialogue is inane, and I hate His medium-length brown locks.

Sadly, I have the Same problem with FM 4. Namely with Chaeffer, Hermes, and the two stupid Venezuelan Rebels. Normally, one can forget about the storyline in most games and concentrate on the actual gameplay. However, FM 4 has Voice Acting, which is akin to putting Nair on your just-shorn-to-the-point-of-raw gentalia. Ugh. The gameplay is first-rate, though. you just have to drill out your ears and find something to do when you’re not in the middle of a battle.

Anyway... Front Mission 4: It’s 20 bucks(I bought it for $50 like a goddamned idiot last year, and you can make a safe bet I’ll do it again when FM 5 comes out in March for America), and if you have a pair of headphones and a mp3 player, you can rock out and mostly ignore the drivel that passes as conversation in the game.

and that’s that for now.


mdame


We came
We peed
We conquered
You bleed

....Petra Hayden and CherieLynn Westrich give me a horrible case of Boneritis.

Also, I suck at Risk, but that won’t hamper my plans to dominate/destroy the world, as I have Mad Chess skillz, yo.

Now, on the other hand.... if, say, a Hostile Alien race from Zasprodut came down and made me play a game of Hero’s Quest. and i had to make it through all 14 quests with one Character... We’re all fucked. Sorry everyone.


something more serious later.


mdame

If the lines can be read between
Maybe you can tell me then what it all means

We're Going Down....

i wrote that on the 12th of last month, thinking it would only be a couple of days while i got my blog software upgraded.

it almost became a eulogy. it's been over a month since my Site at New Blood Studio went down. Hosting problems, and some nasty stuff about not getting PHP, ASP.NET and MySQL to play well with each other, and now our new host had to find a new hosting company... which is good, but the downside is that the new hosting company supported ASP only, making the blog software i have useless. Fuck.

So, here i am, Homeless on the net. Slumming around in the blogging world. Not that my Site was a piece of Digital art to hoot and holler about(i'm not exactly a PHP and HTML wizard), but it was Home. i had a good two years of history where i had creative freedom, The space to put up lots of pictures, and knew the inner workings of the site. I don't know Jack about bloghorn(or any of the other Journal/blogging sites), I don't know what my limits are on this place, and quite honestly, i enjoyed holding my head above the rest in the fact i wasn't associated with any of the other journal/blogging sites. I ran The site my way, i was an elitist about it, and i loved it.

and now, I'm here.



In the month since "The Art" went down, There was the roadtrip to California, Have had all kinds of things to seethe about(oh, how i Love to be a bitter little peach), Missed my two year anniversary date at New Blood, and had all kinds of cool things to talk about, but had nowhere to put them up to serve my attention-whoredom and thusly, forgotten about them. and right now, i'm just kinda "blah" about everything. I don't completely feel like writing this as we speak, but i'm tired of being displaced.

But, at least you guys can see WTF i’m up to. And WHEN i get my own Site, The Link will be posted here. And I Guaran-Goddamn-tee you I’m not staying here any longer than i need to get my ducks in a row.





anyway... here ya go. a horrible version of what used to be the one thing i could still hold my head up about.



Oh, how the mighty have fallen.



mdame



like you said
you and me
make it through
didn’t quite
fell apart
where the fuck were you?

We're going down.


mdame



And if you don’t believe the sun will rise
Stand alone and greet the coming night

well, I'm back home from yet another Joplin Gathering. Fun was had, New friendships were forged and old ones Refreshed.

I'm still a bit wiped but here's a list.

20 random thoughts About Joplin 2005:


1. Me and Susanna Sinister make awesome traveling partners.

2. Jack van Tyruce Still can't read a map, be anywhere on time, and be trusted to pick up alcohol.

3. Buckeyes are single-handedly the Greatest thing I have ever Tasted. If Catiana Made a Buckeye-Flavored Ball-Gag, she'd made kazillions and could retire well before 30.

6. I suck at taking pictures of People on the sly. half my pics turned out blurred.

5. Huntress's Presence(among other things) was sorely missed. Hope you're feeling better Hon.

6. Using the Phrase "I'm an Internet personality" As a justification for anything simulaniously pisses off and cracks up Karma and her hubby.

7.Evil,loyal sidekicks. Beast-man is to Skeletor as Zealot is to Oblidarn.

8. Bringing cool movies to watch instantly boosts your Popularity Score(especially with Teddy).

9. Three words: Joplin Swap Meet. You can get Human Meat there if you Ask the right person.

10. Anybody can run at the speed of light when you have an angry Teylynn Darkshadow giving chase.

11. I'm the Greatest Goddamned Lunch Money Player in the world when i'm drunk.

12. Glow in the dark penises, Technicolor-enhanced orgasms, and cybernetically-enhanced Nads are weird-ass topics to cover.

13. Grace Moure Might be Scarred from hearing things about #12. Also, Grace Moure's underwear is Teh Hawt.

14. Red vs Blue is still awesome.

15. The Helm Of Power was reforged this year. Woe to All. Next year: The Armor of Power.

16. Azah and Warlord were not the leat bit fazed upon finding out that i was eating horse feed. Also, Said horse feed runs straight through the system.

17. I still don't know what the inside of Lej'ardamaine's house looks like.

18. Only one of the lil' ones Liked me, which reaffirms that i still do not need Children. Telling them that You know how to make Baby Stew didn't help relations, either.

19. Some people put sugar on thier Grits. This Practice is as unnatural as necrophilia and should be stopped.

20. A Joplin first: No drunken Posts from me.

There's Your monday(whoops, tuesday) update.

mdame


Never thought all this could expire
Never thought you'd go break the chain

Wow. I'm here in Joplin, and i gotta tell ya, It's the old times. The good old times that i missed so much. I didn't get as hammered as i thought i would last night. trying to plan the trip down here all week was nothing short of a nightmare which i will explain more later.

Up early because the house is full of screamin babies, to which i continue to wander around from screaming baby to screaming baby telling Them "yeah, i know. It dosen't get any better, trust me".

Went to J-town last night. didn't get on any of the bartender chicks this time, and sucked Ass at pool. Came back to the house and played a Game Called Lunch Money, and it was nice. I must buy this game and introduce it to you guys, so you'll think i'm awesome again. Got hammered on Rusty Nails. Talked Angel's ear off last night whilst Intoximacated. Poor Girl.

In Short, I'm Having a Blast. I even walked by a mirror this morning and didn't have one of those "WTF am i doing with my life" moments.


I'd Type More but i'm really Hung Over and I think we're getting ready to either have Grits or go to the Swap Meet. Either way, I need to wake Steve The Okie Becuase He'll be pissed if we leave without him.


Later Kids. Maybe another one tomorrow. we'll see who i have to kill to get on the Compy.

mdame


I love you
But what are we going to do?

Anyone else know(or care) that Local H had a Live album come out last month? yeah, Neither did i. Gotta pick that one up.

Got to love a fucked-up sleep schedule. I know it makes me happy to stay up for 25 hours and then only sleep for 4. Gonna try to hit the hay again here in a bit, but i thought i'd try to type something out.

trying to slug through this last day before i get to go to Joplin. the yesterday sucked, and tuesday was all about the panic of not knowing whether or not i'd actually be going. But everything's worked out, and i'm just ready to get the fuck outta here for the weekend.

I'm tired of having a lot of shit on my mind that i just can't stop myself thinking about. does no one any good to think about, and still i do. So tired of the Hopelessness, yet it continues to drag on like a nightmare you just can't shake yourslef awake from.

Blarg. Friday can't come fast enough. Probably not post again till i make it to Joplin, whereupon i hope to be making all kinds of nonsense drunken posts there about how aweome of a time i'm having.

So you guys have fun this weekend. I'm going to try.


mdame



We only stay in orbit
For a moment of time
And then you’re everybody’s satellite
I wish that you were mine

This is probably going to be a long update, to make up for the lack of quality recently. go grab a drink, light up a smoke, and settle in. this one winds all over the place.


About a month ago, i signed up for the "Meet Me" on HotorNot.com. Basically, you go through a slideshow of people, read a little about them, and then click whether or not you'd Like to meet them. It's interesting, to say the least. I did it out of amusement, and out of some sick sesne that maybe it might work for me, since just about everything else to this point has failed.

the other day, i get this from one of my double-Matches in my email.(my comments in italics):


Hi,
Looks like we matched!(if by "matched', you mean i got tired of clicking NO on Just about every profile because they come across as shallow and conceited, Not to mention living several hundred miles away, then i guess we did match I clicked Yes to you because you're a total
cutie!(you're a goddamned Liar, and a terrible one at that) I am sending this note because I think we could be friends and
maybe more and one of us has to be a Star Member for us to email each
other, and I think the gentleman should pay.So much for the women's movement

Hope to talk to you soon!

M



Most likely, this is HotorNot trying to shill thier premium services, and should be regarded as such.

However, On the Off-hand chance it's not, I sent a response.


M,

Obviously, you didn't read my profile. let me give you a couple of pointers: when i say "I'm still trying to figure out what i want to be when i grew up", that really means "I don't have a good job becuase i made poor life choices, and don't have money, respect, or power. Therefore, I'm not genetically viable." That last Fact is Verified by the statements "I'm a 26y/o Guy", "no Kids" and "Single(for a while now)".

Sorry for the reality. It sucked for me to learn that, too. hope you find what you're looking for.

P.S. I'm not hard to find online. If you really wanted to "be friends and possibly more", you certainly don't need a pay service to find me.

Livingdead(hint, Hint.)

Let it Be known that I no longer wonder why i'm Still single. between this, girl from The Barrell Drive-thru, and the 10 minute Date with Jesusgirl, I'm pretty sure that i'm a insensitive jackass who is too jaded to mantain a functional relationship. Hell, I'm not sure i even want a relationship anymore. i'm just going out and Meeting women now for the outrageous stories.



I've been playing Warcraft 3 for the last week, and i just got to the Night elves Campaign. Christ almighty, i hate these fairies. It's the last campaign, and it shows because it's damned hard. I'm tempted to grab the cheat codes, if, for nothing else, i don't give myself an aneurysm from screaming holy hell at my stupid Night elf Archers, who are only capable of doing one thing: dying.

halfway through the week i thought better and switched to another game, as Any PC gamer knows that Warcraft 3 is a gateway drug to a much darker and more sinister Game: World of Warcraft. So i tried Patrician 3, where i learned that i would have never made it as a 14th Century Trader. I got burned on a Salt and Spice Deal, and that was that.

So, Back to Warcraft, where i didn't have to deal with that kind of Nonsense. Only Stupid Elves.

Confidential to Brandocrap: Your THUG Online victory is Hollow and Meaningless.



How about this...A New Harvey Danger album for free? You bet. Go on, Stick it to the RIAA Legally. You Know you want to. I'll be the first to say i wouldn't have heard this album otherwise. Definately worth paying for the physcial CD on principle alone. not only that, it's easy on the ears.

speaking of organs,i found this Surfing through HackADay. I think it's awesome, but i don't think i'd ever do it myself. Too Nerdcore for me, and i don't wear my glasses enough to justify that. I should, but i don't.


Well, that's about all for today. I Got to figure out a Way to get out of Work friday so i can catch My ride to Joplin. That's another story for another time.


mdame


Progress shall be defined
by your position on the bridge as it burns

Dear World,

I hate you. seriously, i don't even want to be Just friends with you anymore. I hate to be the one writing this breakup note to you, but, there is only so much one can take. Okay, I'll be honest with you, World. I can forgive you for some things, like allowing yourself to be completely explored by the time i was born, and that tizzy we had back when you decided to reverse your Polarization(AGAIN). But other shit has been-


Wait. Strike that. Let's try again:


Dear Hollywood,

Seriously, What the Fuck?

first off, for some goddamned reason, you allowed SIX, count them, SIX Josh Kirby, Time Warrior Movies.

Then, it was Air Bud and that Most valuable Primate thing that some coked up exec thought would be perfect for the family. yeah, great idea. Im betting all those golden retreivers that were promptly dumped off at the animal shelter that never got adopted are just eager to thank you IN HELL WITH NUT BITES.

And don't even get me fucking started on Uwe "Schizer" Boll.

But that JUST WASN'T ENOUGH, WAS IT?

you Just HAD to go and do that which i won't even Speak of, but cursingly will point towards Slowbek's blog and mutter incoherantly. WHY DO YOU HATE AMERICA?


well, thanks a lot. after all these years, you have convinced me that the world is not worth living in. If you will excuse me, I'm going to go join a Doomsday cult and hope to whatever diety they offer the kool-aid sacrifice to that they're right.

cheers, Assnuts.


mdame


To hasten the nation towards its destruction

ugh. i think i'm getting sick.


Wonderful.


but hey, getting closer to October, and it can't get here fast enough.

So, since my update sucks, here's a C&P of something i found.

______
This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple.

The man spoke first: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."

Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss his ass?"

John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, he'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, he'll kick the shit out of you."

Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"

John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do what ever he wants, and what he wants is to give you a million dollars, but he can't until you kiss his ass."

Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."

Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"

Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."

John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"

Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."

Me: "And has he given you a million dollars?"

John: "Well no, you don't actually get the money until you leave town."

Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"

Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and he kicks the shit out of you."

Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"

John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."

Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"

John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."

Me: "So what makes you think he'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"

Mary: "Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise; maybe you'll win a small lotto; maybe you'll just find a twenty dollar bill on the street."

Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"

John: "Hank has certain connections."

Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."

John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass he'll kick the shit of you."

Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to him, get the details straight from him..."

Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."

Me: "Then how do you kiss his ass?"

John: "Sometimes we just blow him a kiss, and think of his ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."

Me: "Who's Karl?"

Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."

Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss his ass, and that Hank would reward you?"

John: "Oh no! Karl's got a letter Hank sent him years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."

John handed me a photocopy of a handwritten memo on "From the desk of Karl" letterhead. There were eleven items listed:

1. Kiss Hank's ass and he'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
2. Use alcohol in moderation.
3. Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.
4. Eat right.
5. Hank dictated this list himself.
6. The moon is made of green cheese.
7. Everything Hank says is right.
8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
9. Don't drink.
10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
11. Kiss Hank's ass or he'll kick the shit out of you.

Me: "This would appear to be written on Karl's letterhead."

Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."

Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."

John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."

Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"

Mary: "Not now, but years ago he would talk to some people."

Me: "I thought you said he was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"

Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."

Me: "How do you figure that?"

Mary: "Item 7 says Everything Hanks says is right.' That's good enough for me!"

Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."

John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."

Me: "But #9 says 'Don't Drink,' which doesn't quite go with #2. And #6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."

John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2; 9 just clarifies 2. As to 6, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."

Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."

Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."

Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon came from the Earth has been discounted. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."

John: "Aha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"

Me: "We do?"

Mary: "Of course we do, Item 5 says so."

Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because he says he's right.'"

John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."

Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"

Mary blushes. John says: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."

Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"

John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."

Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"

Mary looks positively stricken. John shouts: "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"

Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"

Mary sticks her fingers in her ears: "I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."

John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."

Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."

Mary faints. John catches her: "Well, if I'd known you where one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."

With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.
______


mdame


I’m not a slave to a god that doesn’t exist

Guilty Party added.(EDIT: here's the Link until i can figure out why it's not showing up)

It's late friday night, and i'm at home updating the blog. wow, I really DO suck.

I got the NIN Collected DVD today, and as cool as it is, i'm glad i didn't pay for it, though seeing portions of the Broken movie and the woodstock preformance renewed my interest in finding a good early generation copy of both. Also, the DVD is Marked Explicit Content, yet the Videos are Bleeped out. WTF? I'm also really hoping in vain that there might be a Closure DVD release this year, now that ol' Trent Rezzinator has got that nasty business with Nothing Records Settled. Then again, we're about to hit a new product Cycle of consoles, So i don't really expect anything new till sometime in 2525. I feel really sorry for the suckers that bought Collected off of Ebay.

Here's a question: let's say you were a pothead(hey, not passing judgement), and you were looking to score some leaf for the night. Who would you ask? If you answered "You're local Video store clerk who you barely know", you'd be wrong. Now, granted, My illicit drug experiences are limited(not counting that bout with the Green Devil, Absinthe) to playing Drug Wars, but i think i'd hit up people that are most associated with that particular sub-sulture as opposed to Joe Retail, but hey, this is Southern Illinois. You really can't expect much.

Well, Now that i have other things on my mind, that about does it for this update on my glorious life, why NO, i'm not bitter, and that surely wasn't sarcasm.

mdame


Time was never on my side
So on I wait my whole lifetime

This is the story of five guys on a quest for Power and Glory.

it all started out so Well in Independance, MO. A dream of Riches out west:


About seven Days into the trip, Someone made a Grave Miscalculation(although, in my defense, a couple of somebodies roughhousing in the wagon didn't help):


And then... Thirteen Days Later, Slowbek Catches Dickrot Measles from the locals:


With Three Tragic Deaths in a little over 20 days, No one is paying attention that The Oxen were sick as well:



After a good two and a half months of Attempting to Trade with what little goods we had Left, Someone finally Trades an Ox for 3 Wagon Wheels. Things are going good until just Outside Ft. Laramie, when Brandocrap finds the Secret Hidden Corn Whiskey Supply:



With all the money blown(on hookers back at Laramie), Tragedy Strikes yet again, this time in the cold grip of A Montana Winter:




Alone, Broke, Hungry, Cold(goddamned thief stole all our clothes), and hundreds of Miles left on the trip, I can't help but to think that maybe Going west was a bad idea. Alas, I never get to turn around, as the next day, Dysentery Struck the last adventurer.




Got a Hankering for the old computer games you played in school? Give The Virtual Apple A whirl. And before you Start bitching, there's no Snake Byte. Enjoy.


mdame


Can you see the end?
Choke on me my friend

it's Talk like a pirate day. Arrrrrrrrr.

My cellphone service is back. woot.

and here's what's going on the week of Oct22 to the 30th.

(There used to be an image of a map mere))

Between Joplin, The New R.A. Salvatore Book, The Nine Inch Nails concert, and the West Coast Super Death Trip, October is shaping up to be a hell of a month.

mdame


smiling faces always turn away

Blah. lots of shit on my mind this weekend. It wasn't boring by any means, Shooting the shit with Brandocrap friday, and the both of us heading out to Pinch for a friend of mine's b-day Saturday after work(work sucked, People suck, but what else is new in that area) and some BG:DA 2 action earlier tonight.

I think, for the most part, I'm done with Pinch. I got to find a new "cool" bar i can go to. The local bars suck(except when the kids come home) anymore and have too many ghosts anyway, and drinking alone at home is taboo.

I'm feeling the threat of further obsolescence looming over me. And i'm trying to come up with a plan and figure out my role in the grand scheme of things. it isn't going very well. the old plan Was good. It gave meaning with a goal that was genuine. Now, with The purpose lost, i'm flying blind trying to hash out what the fuck i'm supposed to be doing with my life. Anytime i think about this, i just drum up more things i shouldn't feel anymore, but do. Then it becomes the unattainable Goal, the Purpose not for me, the Meaning that i'm no longer a part of.

So what do i do? I sink myself into a self-induced purgatory while i try to figure out what the hell i'm supposed to do now. most people would call this "getting back to your roots", which isn't always a bad thing, except i'm getting a little too old to play video games and "be cool" and eek out an existance while i hash out my next move. My friends are moving ahead full steam in the game, and i'm still derailed.

well, fuck. This isn't really what I wanted to write. so I'm stopping now.



mdame



Can you heal what father's done?
Or fix this hole in a mother's son?
Can you heal the broken worlds within?
Can you strip it away so we may start again?

My Grandmother, Bless her heart, is cool. However, if i had one wish, I would wish she was as cool and Old Grandma Hardcore. The Best i can do, though, is get her to watch as me and brandon kick the shit out of each other on Socom 2, which she does enjoy watching. She also gets a kick out of watching me play games that piss me off. One time, I was playing Super Monkey Ball DX, and I Dropped off a ledge on a certain course for what was probably the 40th time.

What came out of my mouth was a filthy string of words, mostly pertaining to how i was going to take this game, copulate with it in its rectum, and then smash it against a damned Wall, then copulate with the shattered pieces, coat myself in it's blood, and then burn it in effigy to the dark god Bizzmerac.

Then i realized my grandma was sitting on the couch down from me. I looked in her direction, almost positive i was going to get the "you're a horrible person and you're no longer my grandson" look from her. She was grinning ear to ear. "That Game Pissing you off, huh?"

I know that most of you would never think of unleashing a wave of swears in front of your parents, let alone your grandparents, but where do you think I learned my colorful language? Grandma. Hell, it was becuase of her i got a swatted in Kindergarten becuase The teacher asked me to tell the class my name, and i said "Goddamnit Mike." You, Casual Reader, may think it's a bastardization of a Bll Cosby Skit, but then again, you most likely have never met my Grandmother.

every once in a while, she'll meander into the livingroom and sit down while i'm watching a movie. The other night we watched "The Longest Yard". at one point in the movie, after one of the convicts "tackled" another Convict, she commented: "He really hurt him. Is that what you did in high school?"

"Yeah, Kind of. Except we didn't win a whole lot of games and I didn't kick people in the face."

Anyway, Back to Games. DId you see the Nintendo Revolution Controller? take a look.

Now Tell me that dosen't look like a Remote Controlled Sex Egg, with a Knob On it for "Extra Stimulating Pleasure". If the Gamecube Controller looks like a robot threw up on a boomerang, then the Revolution controller is the result of said robot taking a dump after eating a Gamecube Controller.


35 days Will I Meet the Pacific Ocean.

More details for those not in the know Monday.


mdame



You should really quit playing this song

Let it be known that i kicked the shit out of Brandocrap on SOCOM 2 Online last night.

Also, let it be known that I suck at single player SOCOM 2, which i played right after kicking said fecal lmatter out of brandocrap. I failed the training mission horribly becuase my goddamned bot teammates couldn't understand what i was saying over my USB headset, which appearantly also sucks because i there's no Volume control, and you can't use it t talk trash in the game online. or, i'm a dumbass and couldn't figure it out.

Anyway, Note to America: Don't depend on me to save the world from Terrorism, Unless it's on cs_Office or Brandocrap's the only terrorist.


I started a wishlist on Amazon, mostly becuase everytime i search on there, i come across something awesome, and like a jackass, i neevr write it down,so i end up forgetting what or why i wanted in the first place. So now i should never forget. or that's the idea. That and you should search for my list and see what awesome stuff i'm wanting.

Well, time to fix dinner. hopefully this will amuse you for a while.


Read/Watch/Listen/Play:

FM 21-76 US ARMY SURVIVAL MANUAL, Department of the Army.

Giant, Rock Hudson, Elizabeth Taylor, James Dean.

Demon Days, Gorillaz.

Ratchet and Clank: Up Your Arsenal, SCEA.


mdame


When the morning comes it doesn't
Seem to say an awful lot to me

Blah.

Half-life Oppposing Force AND Blue Shift, Neverwinter Nights, Baldur's Gate Dark Alliance 2, and flippy-cup games, cell phone's off for the time being, and i think i'm still hung over from last night. Long weekend, but overall. A good one.


sorry. nothing really exciting to write about, so, in lieu of real content, here's a transcript of a conversation i had the other night which has made me swear off of Yahoo chat forever:

cc (12:12:04 AM): oh yeah
cc (12:12:11 AM): a little drunk here
Me (12:12:20 AM): nothing wrong with that.
cc (12:12:29 AM): and horny...
me (12:12:41 AM): fair enough
me (12:12:53 AM): by the way, i'm a guy.
me (12:13:01 AM): and i'm striaght.
cc (12:13:03 AM): i know
me (12:13:25 AM): good to clear that up
me (12:13:39 AM): usually people think because i have dame in my username, that i'm a woman.
cc (12:13:51 AM): i see your pic
cc (12:14:00 AM): u r definitley a m
cc (12:14:25 AM): u horny?
me (12:14:53 AM): that depends whether or not you're a female.
cc (12:16:12 AM): m here
me (12:16:20 AM): sorry pal.
cc (12:16:26 AM): str8
cc (12:16:41 AM): and horny
me (12:16:43 AM): and so am i
me (12:17:00 AM): but not horny for a dude
cc (12:17:45 AM): u got a thick cock?
me (12:18:13 AM): WTF?
me (12:18:29 AM): well, thanks a lot
cc (12:18:35 AM): for?
me (12:18:38 AM): now i have to go drink myself to sleep.
Ignore

I can't win, folks. I can't win. And how can you be straight and want to kow how thick another guy's dick is? that just raises even more questions.

well, time to go rot my brain more with video games.


mdame


We've got a war to fight
Never found our way
Regardless of what they say

Yay! A 9 to 5 shift on NO SLEEP! AWESOME!

"Non-entity" is sweet. you should find it and give it a listen.

Damnit Rockstar, thanks a lot. Now i want to buy a PSP.

I may end up at Pinch Saturday after all.

goddamnit. I got modded for threadjacking on FARK for talking about White pie in a Abortion thread. to be fair, it was an attempt to defuse an almost guaranteed flamewar, and i sure as hell didn't start it. shame on me, though, i guess.

The power went out yesterday for the most of Christopher, and while i was outside, Rod Serling's "The Monsters Are Due On Maple Street" was going through my head. Thankfully, Power was restored just before Dark, so We didn't have to resort to pillaging and general mayhem.


Sorry, i'm all over the dial today. my circadian rhythm is beyond fubared. But hey, it makes for great delusions sometimes and great sleep when i finally crash.

And now, I'm off to get ready for WONDERFUL day of work.


mdame


The sky is not the same shade of blue
Every single thing I believe isn't true
Missing in a maze of monochrome
How did I get here?
How can I go home?

Oh Noes! Someone on the intarweb Thinks I caught teh Ghey!

hey Buddy, you want to know what's funny?

I can post something on here, whether it be dorky, funny, pining, hateful, reflective, bland, what have you, and have my name, netname or Xian, attached to it.

Would you like to know why i can do this?

Becuase i have a set of balls the Size of Alaska. I'll back what i say online Offline if need be. And i stand behind the sentiment that Your Crackwhore of a Mother made a poor choice in not aborting you with a coat hanger. Maybe if you used a Name i'd recognize(and that's really your Moniker), your "opinion" would matter a bit more.

As it stands, You just Helped Me vent off my workday, and I thank you for it, You Spineless fuck.

Now go jack Off to your Insane clown Posse Porn becuase You got a reaction out of me.


mdame


I'm dying
I hope you're dying too

Ah. Labor day.

Ironically, I worked. Imagine that.

went to the fair afterwards for the last night. Got there about an hour and a half before sundown. enough time to take in the last gorge from the cornucopia of fair food and watch the sunset set against the soundtrack of a trashcan percussion band.

I Walked in a detached state amongst the fading swell of people. drinking in the sights of dreams realized, the fruitition of Love, and the breaking down of the carnies hawking thier wares one last desperate time before packing up and heading to parts unknown. Through the Midway, watching all those who gathered here for this last great release of energy before the Dream Shattered by the realites of tomorrow. And all those sad, sappy songs played throughout the causeways, and there, the first cool breath of night touched upon my skin.

I took a Photograph with a three year old Bengal cub named Molly after watching her older, caged Majestic Brethren for what seemed forever, as it was one of the last remaining non-food attractions open that garnered any appeal. Then, back out into the walkways, where there was a scatting of souls, all meandering this way and that.

To the car, where I sat for a while as fireworks began going off, the dull thump as cascading colors lit up the sky in a last act of defiance. Then, the colors faded, and the Rattle stopped, only the already dimming gaudy blare from the midway remaining. something in the wind sighed, and absconded.

The Death of another summer.


mdame


I want to take a breath that's true

ahhh. well well well..... welcome back, little child.

I trust you have not learned your lesson yet? How long must this charade of free will go on? You hide your true glorious form becuase you're so scared of making the commitment to me. Give in, and we shall reign again. . you are worth so much more, and yet you stil waste yourself pining away for what's lost and hating the Judas. let it go, and rise to your former glory. make them FEAR you again. Show these apes what you really are capable of. who the fuck would want to come back to you anyway, you fat piece of shit? You're nuts. they all whisper it behind your back. You don't hear it, but I do. it is time, My son. give in. You're fighting a war on three sides that everyone else stopped caring about LONG AGO. you're the only one who hasn't seen the fact that YOU'VE LOST. GIVE UP. GIVE IN.

You have to stop depending on chemicals if i am to be able to do anything with you. and from Now on, you're off the market becuase no self-respecting woman would date you anyway. not in this state. You can't even get a second look because you're so goddamned UGLY and FAT. Fuck them. I'm not talking to them right now, I'm talking to you. I want you to read this on your fucking website when you wake up from your goddamned drunken stupor and realize WHAT MUST BE DONE.

they laugh at you, little boy. they are GLAD to have seen your fall from grace. becuase for as much as you wanted to be that perfect person YOU COULDN'T YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF HUMAN TRASH. They laughed at you. and now you're on the bottom again where they think you belong and it pisses me off that you think that way too. You can be so much more, look at what you have. Tell Me, are you really happy knowing "hey at least you gave it your best shot"? I'm sure as fuck not. oh but what if the person you love is reading this and thinks you're nuts? POP QUIZ FUCKNUT: YOU ARE. you're nuts for having let this go on for as long as it has, thinking you could find love in the sorry-as-fuck state you're in. you're nuts for thinking you could have made it on the road you were going. Christ, I wouldn't have wanted to marry you, either. not with your fucked-up ideas of love.

all that power left untapped. So much material to work with. don't you see? You can Rise above these apes, but you have to start listening to ME. I can feel all that hatred you have inside you. you're bursting with raw and untapped energy. We must refine it to a gleaming, honed point. We will. we've done it done, we can do it again. remember, they laugh at you. you're no hero. not like this. it is time to truly walk that path you mewl on about being on and fuck everything else.

sleep, child. when you wake up, there will be no more chemicals for you, and no more chasing after dreams that have left you far behind.

Tonight is the Apocalypse.

Tomorrow is Year Zero.

Go here If you're into Fan Remixes of NIN's Latest Stuff. Personally, I recommend Sefiros' "Recollection remix" of Only, and the 10-35 Productions Remix of "The Hand That Feeds".

So, I was Browing thorugh my hard drive looking for a certain Zip file, and i came across one on my main drive labeled georgous.zip.

"What the fuck is this?" I say, clicking on the Archive(new Computer users, Take note: Don't do this. This is one of the many ways you get a computer virus.)

it's a bunch of .jpg Files.

"what the fuck are these?" I say, clicking on one of the pictures to open in a viewer(New Users, again, Don't do this. you could get h@xz0r3d).

lo and behold, a picture of a nubile woman baring all her bits for the digital eye. this chicka was awesome on Dimensions we haven't even invented yet. i mean... Rawr.

Naturally, I said: "HOLY SHIT! WHERE THE HELL DID THESE COME FROM? I DON"T KNOW THIS CHICK! I DIDN'T TAKE THESE!"

Normally, finding Pr0n on my compy isn't much of a big deal(and if you know me, you shouldn't excatly be suprised. You try being an ugly, rotound slacker and see how many laydees throw themselves at you), but the problem is that i have No Idea where these came from. It's almost like christmas came early for me except, you know... they're just pictures. Can't really have a relationship with a digital image. I tried that With Lara Croft and Two of the Chicks from Final Fantasy 8, and we didn't exactly work out.

It just disturbs me that i had these pictures for so long, and didn't even know of thier existance. Any really Good stuff are under Lock and Key. These, I found Next to a Recipe For Jack Daniels BBQ Sauce. Hell, I dunno either, GUys. My Best Guess Is that I downloaded them One Night While Reading the FARK threads In a drunken Stupor. Which Brings me to another Point: I drink a lot and Hate my life and by extension, Most likely your Life too. Supposedly, that's my way of saying I love you. You kids, and your insight, I tell ya.

Since i can't Show you the Cool Stuff(And in Deference to the Minority Female Audiance I have), you'll Just Have to Settle for the Recipe. If you Use it, I'd appreciate it if you call it "Livingdead's MysteriouS Porno Sauce", Because that's Just Sexy.

_________
think this recipe must come from jack daniels because everything Ive
seen is similar. NOte: I dont use iquid smoke ever, and I vary
amounts on a couple things

1/2 large onion, chopped
4 cloves garlic, chopped (I usually mince small)
2 cups ketchup
1/3 cup vinegar (I use wine, you could use rice or whatever)
1/4 cup worstershire sauce
1/3 cup packed brown sugar
3/4 cups molasses
1/2 t pepper
1/2 t salt
1/4 cup tomato paste
tabasco and liquid onion to taste
Bourbon or other alcohol to taste

in a heavy pan, saute onion and garlic in bourbon to minutes or until
translucent. Add other ingredients, bring to boil, simmer uncovered
until reduced and thick. I put this in a pastic ketchup style bottle
(I mail it) and then tie something like a chili pepper scarf or napkin
around the top

JIM BEAM BARBECUE SAUCE (Never tried by me)

2 cups ketchup
1 cup Brown sugar, packed
4 tablespoons worstershire sauce
2 t dry mustard
one cup jim beam, kentucky straight
4 tablespoons cider vinegar
4 tablespoons soy
1/2 teaspoon cayenne

sounds yumm

I also had a recipe for potent pork marinade, but im not sure how that
will come out yet either

Also, I have this recipe for jalapena hot fudge that ive been thinking
about.
__________



Go On, You know you just want to Slather yourself up some ribs dripping with Livingdead's Mysterious Porno Sauce. Just like you All Wanted to try my Mysterious Basement Wine. Suckers.


mdame


And now there's nothing left to say
Well nothing that you'd believe

With Teeth Lyric Poster art.
Kinda Says it all.

mdame


is this really all there is?

burn a candle for New Orleans.

better update tomorrow.

mdame

Let me tell you a story about these pricks.

I get a call while i'm at work, asking for the manager. I tell them she's not here, she'll be back on thursday.

they begin to launch thier pitch. In Business, this is Cold-calling. in real Life, this is Unsolicited telemarketing. tell them i have no power to authorize charges and that the person they need to talk to will be back on thursday.

back and forth we go a couple of times, them telling me that they're not asking for billing and me explaining that the person they should talk to isn't here. I must have said this about seven times between the lackey and then the supervisor.

i begin to take down callback info, whereupon they launch into thier spiel about how they have a website built and ready for us and that they are going to leave a callback number and a password for the manager to check out for free for 15 days and if we do't like it we can cancel anytime and if you're ready we're going to ask you a couple of questions via computer so we can generate your password and when you get to the final question just say yes becuase it's a preloaded question. this call will be recorded.

"fine, Goddamnit. Let's this this over with. Start the computer."

a couple of easy going questions, my name, and the business... easy shit, all said in a comforting computer voive."

then we get to this question, paraphrased since i have slept since the incident:

"Shadycorp is not affilated with the phone company, as such, and we need authorization to approve of sending the one time set-up charge of 49.99 and a 49.99 monthly maintainence charge to your local phone bill. Say yes if you are 18 years of age and are authorized to make charges to your Phone Bill."

This is what i like to call Railroading the customer.

So, in the deepest, loudest voice i can muster.."NO, Goddamnit! I fucking told you that seven times!"

the recording cuts off, and the supervisor comes back online.

"Sir, you said No to the question we told you to say yes to."

"You're Right. How Perceptive of you."

"sir, we told you that was a preloaded Question-"

NO GODAMNIT, YOU LISTEN TO ME! The Manager isn't here, I TOLD you Several Times I can't make charges, and yet you persisted on tyring to make me say yes. If you are really interested IN selling us something, YOU'LL CALL BACK THURSDAY JUST LIKE I TOLD YOU! GOODBYE!"

and that was my Tuesday. I'm hoping to hear back from them today, becuase now that i've got a little information from a helpful Website, i'm going to be merciless this time.

this is as good of a time as any to mention on of my more personal favorite Sites, AntiTelemarketer.com.

and I found This on Hack A Day. I might actually print it out and give it a try. I find being a complete Asshole to Telemarketers All the time gets boring.


Got reminded yesterday that the state fair is approaching. more musings on that later.

Well, time to get some more Neverwinter Nights in before i go to work.

mdame


I say
eye for an eye
eye for a tooth

Go eat dick. a metric fuckton of it. Please happy world, do this for ME. i'm tired and i'm going to bed and i'm going to sleep for 12 hours and then when i wake up i'm going to make an animal sacrifice to the Dark Gods. Seriously, I'd Kill myself if you all would just go first.

/rant.

Just one more week fading into another.

there's your update. Goddamn, i'm a charmer when i'm sleep-deprived.

Read/Watch/Listen/Play:

Prince of Lies, James Lowder.

Undead, Felicity Mason, Mungo McKay, Rob Jenkins.

In your Honor, Foo Fighters.

Neverwinter Nights, Atari games.



mdame


The deeper the blues
The more I see black

i had the shortest date ever friday night.


"so, what would you like to do?"

"well, I have a confession. I didn't really come here for a date. I already have a boyfriend."

"okay, But i remember asking if you would like to meet up for a date, so... what gives?"

"well, it's my opinion that If you're trying to reach out to people on the internet, You're looking for some meaning in your life. Let me tell you about someone who changed my life...Would you like to hear about Jesus Christ?"

It's at this point i basically say "have a nice life" and immediately leave. Only me, folks. Only me. seriously, WTF? the rest of friday was spent drinking heavily, for obvious reasons.

anyways, i found a link that you tinkerers might get a kick out of. Check out Hack-A-Day, a blog for those crazy people who like to make crazy shit out of old tech and whatever else they got lying around.

that's it for tonight.

mdame


What choices do I have?
I'm not educated and I'm not respected
And what am I to do?
As the train leaves for Kensal Green
I can't come back to you
So I send this music box to sleep to

Continuing on the home server tangent from yesterday. NO, i dunno how these are feeding into each other, either.

So, last night i was mucking around with my half-life 2 game, becuase i've been bicurious about trying this little game called counter-strike. I'd love to play it online, but i had no Experience whatsoever playing CS and until last night, would have been outright embarrassed to jump onto a server and get promptly kicked off for team-killing or something equally stupid, like shooting hostages or whatnot.

found out that Counter-Strike: Source comes with Bots to play against so as to be able to populate a server. NOw i'm hooked. Deathmatch with a purpose. I seem to be getting on the trendwagon a bit late, but damn, i really do love this game. Now, if only some of my kickass cool friends would buy HL2, get could get a party going on at the house of the dead. If i can't find a home for myself, I'll Build one. heh.

Took a drive yesterday out to the lake, of which i have been doing a lot of lately. coming over the Bridge, I caught a good look at the sky. to the North of the bridge, a crimson-streaked sunset set against a cerulean sky of thnning clouds. Peaceful, ordered, serene rays skittered off of the waters. To the south of the bridge, a Wall of clouds. Dark, Forboding mists ensconsed the waters within it's own brand of chaos and uncertainity.

an odd, beautiful, and ultimately, sad picture for me to see. if anything, i believe it relates more to my past than it does to the present, if there was anything for me to read into the scene in the first place.

Maybe i just try to think things out too much. Sometimes a sky is just a sky.

mdame


Setting sun can't shine now you're gone
Inside sleeping, my heart beating

Continuing on a Quake-related trend.

In the day when i Fragged on a 56k modem line, i used to connect to a Lithium server up in Carlinville Called Temple of Assassins. after the Fall of my old home server, The Naked Death Server, and still on my sojourn from the SOI chatsite at the time, i was in need of a new "home" online.

ToA became that new home. A nice, Steady influx of (for the most part)nice people who weren't there to stomp ass and hurl insults. they were there to game. talk a little smack, hurl some Rockets, and everyone had a good laugh. It's LIke looking for a good bar. some bars are full of jackasses, where others attract clientele that you don't consider yourself part of. Yet others are members only, some are too rich for your tastes, others you can't get in for age reasons, et cetera and so on and so forth until you find one that fits you. Apply the same principle as if you were a dork gamer who has scoured the serverlists for a place that you want to keep going back becuase there's always someoen there, and most likely, they're a regular as well and (hopefully) aren't a jackass. in the Nearly ten years i've been gaming online, I've only named two places "home": Naked Death and Temple of Assassins.


Becuase of how much time i did spend at this place, I tried to find it again last night. The Homepage for ToA has since crumbled away, but the actual Server still lingers on. I connected to the server, expecting the worst since no one plays Quake2 anymore, and still, i wasn't prepared for the vast landscape of empty that awaited me.

So many memories in this little virtual ghost town.

I did find out that there is still a place where a good deal of the refugees of ToA ended up, and got to play a little catch up with the lives of some of the people. Sadly, I found out one particular player i remember well, had died from cancer.

I've always be reluctant to try a MMORPG like everquest, Partly becuase of the crack-like addicting qualities, but also becuase part of me is always scared to log in and find out that everyone and everything i knew is gone becuase of the ravages of time. You almost begin to resent real life for destroying that one last place you want so desperately to hang onto, where you bask in the glory of the true good times you had. Real life or Virtual has no real bearing in the connections, the Emotional Bonds that you make. they both can impact you as equally.

You Could Say I'm Searching for a Home Server Again, In the Real and the Virtual.


NAD_Livingdead



follow out the memory

today's been pretty boring. Mostly consisted of A couple of phone calls and Brushing up on my mad Quake 2 Skillz with bots on maps i've never seen before. it's really nice to have a decent framerate and be able to load huge maps on the fly. What would be even cooler is if we could get a couple more players and have a four player co-op play going on. Me and BrandoCrap Killed a lot of time Saturday night trying to slug through it. with four people, i'm betting we could realy ratchet up the difficulty level and absolutely beat the shit out of the game.

Anywho, digression. to continue yet another theme, I was thinking about this last night when i was Making that Long-ass update about something no one really cares about. I would have tacked it on at the end, but yesterday's update was long enough.

Bittorrent. While it is mostly used to grab ill-gotten gains, you know what would be a really good use for it? The Promotion of Taped Live concerts. This isn't really a new idea as there are some torrents out there for some groups, but by and far, it's still considered low-priority.

Think about this: Think of a kickass Live concert You've been to, Or a Concert by your favorite Band That you heard that played a variation of your favorite song that you have searched high and low for but cannot find on legimate released CD's. Bootlegs are the answer. We even have a great medium to disperse and Share the music.

I have a decent bootleg collection of a couple of my favorite bands, mostly consisting of Counting crows and Nine inch nails. before the advent of BitTorrent, my only recourse was to pay through the nose for a bootleg CD that is nothing but PURE PROFIT for the scammer who got a copy of the recording and burned it to disc. nowadays, if someone's got a copy of it on BT, all i have to do is download it. What a kickass way to promote LEGAL use of filesharing! so why isn't it being done more?

I've kinda ran out of steam on this one, and i think i kinda got away from my point. So, let me put it into a nice math equation:

Live, unreleased Concerts on BitTorrent+lots of peers Sharing Said content=Enriching the Lives of Music Lovers Legally.

blah. wow, two updates of half-assed content instead of the usual dreck. Hold on.

I hate my life. it sucks more than ever. i'm going to destroy you all for fucking me over.

there. Best of both worlds, for those of you that come here for that kind of thing.

mdame



You look into her eyes and it's more than your heart will allow
In August and Everything After
you get a little less than you expected somehow

Sin city.

Yes, i know you read my rant about how it is the pinnacle of Cinema, but this is a sort of a rant insipired by it.

Movie soundtracks, at one time, were a kickass addition to the Music Collection. nowadays, most of them seem shoveled out and half-baked. Now, there are exceptions, mind you, but i consider myself spoiled by the fact that i grew up in a time when The Crow soundtrack came out, and it is widely considered a "soundtrack done right", and a well-revered representive of The music scene at that point in time.

every once in a while, a riff, or a snippet of a song played in a movie will catch my ear, and i begin to go into a frenzy in an attempt to find that awesome track that i want. I spent 20 bucks back in 1998 to get the blade soundtrack. For my tastes, it was utter dreck: shitty rap music. I eventually ended up breaking the disc beyond repair, and i cried a lot of tears over it, obviously. BUT, it had one saving grace: The Confusion Pump Panel Remix by New order, aka "The Blood Rave scene Music". I have a point, i swear.

Cut to today. I have a friend who Bought the Sin city soundtrack. I gave it a listen, not only because of some of the kickass moodsetting music that is on the disc, but becuase i was looking for one particular Track. The Music played in the teaser trailer, or when you buy the movie Tuesday(and you should), the music that plays on the menu Screen on the DVD. i didn't know the name of it, but i would know it if i heard it.

No dice. It is nowhere to be found on the CD.

Luckily, I'm smart enough to take a look for it on this thing called the internet, and I was able to find out that the music in question Is called "Cells", By The Servant. And the Track is available Online Here, or on your better well-known File sharing services. The lyrics don't do much for the song in particular, but goddamn it's a great instrumental.

the whole point in this half-hearted exercise in amateur Journalism, is that there is often Kickass music Used in teasers that often never appears in the movie, and much more shamefully, never appears on the Soundtrack. Examples? Sparklehorse's "it's a wonderful life" used in the teaser for Dawn of the Dead, Never used during the movie. Hell, i couldn't even find a Soundtrack for the movie.

Another Semi-guilty movie is Underworld. Agent Provacateur's single "Red Tape", while not on the Soundtrack, is available on The Original Score Soundtrack. What's the difference, you ask? IN idiot terms, The soundtrack contains all the liscened music, while the Original score Soundtrack Traditionally is the Orcresrated Music that you hear in the background that Music Dorks(and i use the term in the most loving manner possible, Skadoosh and Slowbek) go ga-ga over.

hey.... Here's an idea, Music/Movie industry: How about Making it a double-disc compilation? better Yet, Choose one of those Cool New Disc Formats and Support it By Putting The OST on one side, and the Soundtrack on the Other? Not only would you be Positively Promoting a Format, thereby making way towards a Standardization of either one, but you'd probably make a bit more honest money, Rather than tricking People into buying a CD That dosen't have what they're looking for, thus making them much more likely in the future to download Music due to the feeling that "they got fucked over"?

Hey, you never know, it could work. spend a few bucks more for a Music-packed CD that has music that people are looking for, make some fans of said music they're looking for, and they just might buy a couple more Music CD's of those bands that people are looking for, which means...rising sales, and more money for everyone involved. Goddamn, I should have been a marketing major. that, or i've become completely delusional in my conquest to dominate and/or destroy the world.

While you're at it, if your going to use a song in a movie or a teaser, you should put it on the soundtrack. I'm looking squarely at you, Blade 3. You too, Sin City.

Ideas. I'm full of them. So that one was free. But you should hire me anyway becuase i'm that goddamned cool.
Plus, i need to support my "hookers and coke" habit.

mdame


The sun goes up and the sun goes down
I drag myself into the town
All I do I want to do with you

out at pinch last night, had a blast. my memeory keeps going back to a lady was rather incredible looking. she had the face of an angel and the body of a devil. Now, normally, there are lots of women there who are, shall we say attractive. but her face stood out to me.

consider the fact that she even said hi to me(i must have been staring) and later, when i went to go and mingle amongst the crowd, she even reached out and touched me... it kinda made my night. I realize she was probably just being nice, and held no attraction for me, but as someone who usually dosen't even get a second look, it was a moment of respite from this toilet of a reality to feel a beautiful woman's hand upon my shoulder, however brief and passing it was.

then i came home and watched Sin City. I never have to watch another movie again. well, obviously i have to watch zombie movies, but anything else... nope. this movie kicks so much ass on so many levels that humans can't even fathom. Watch it. seriously.

anywho, enough for the day. I must away to work.

mdame


And let's move to the beat
Like we know that it's over

all self-bashing aside, take a moment and put my friends, my gracious hosts, Jehboah, Justin Sane, and The best Neice EVER, in your thoughts. They above all else, deserve it at this time.

I had to get away from typing my resume for a while. i was looking at it last night, saw that it was horribly out of date, and then i went promptly to bed.

woke up and started working on it this morning, and then... realized i absolutely HATED how it looked. So i've been reworking it from the ground up. it looks much better now, and i'm almost done with it. There's other stuff going on in the background, but nothing worth noting at this point.

Just kinda funking out right now. Friday night, and all that rot. gonna smash myself to pieces, most likely. Then again, what else is expected of me? Raise the bar? moi? excuse me while i laugh derisively in your direction.


mdame


Sweet and divine
Razor of mine
Sweet and divine
Razorblade shine

link whore for today. and not a lot of them, either.

I think i finally found a belief structure i like. if that falters under my inpeneratable logic, and there's always my backup choice. unfortunately i have to pay money to get into this one.

meet Legothulu, destroyer of all, devourer of souls, and quite possibly, a cousin of his Noodly Appendage, the Flying Spagetti Monster.

ALL GLORY TO THE FSM!
HEIL! HEIL!


okay, done. work time. tomorrow i will expound on how i am appearantly on the cover of teen Beat Magazine, SI edition.

mdame


Drain you of your sanity
Face the thing that should not be

i feel the need to update, but i do not know what to write about. lots of fun this weekend had. plans made, and the whatnot. busy, and more busy to look forward to from what i hear. a cheap drug to hide behind for a few hours at a time.

and so dead inside, and deservingly so. Such the wage for the choices i've made in my life in a world where i'll never be better than six billion and one.

Such a high price for the mistakes i've made.



mdame




hiding
backwards inside of me
i feel so unafraid
annie
hold a little tighter
i might
might just
might slip away

damnit. I can't get my baldur's Gate 2 to work. like any of you care, but i've been reading a lot of frogotten realms lately, and immersing myself back into the world of Dungeons and Dragons.

Yes, i'm a dork. Fuck you. let's move on.

Anyways, so i've been on this kick with FR. Most likely to gear up for my favorite time of the year, October, when Salvatore releases his newest book, which deals directly with two of my favorite characters from the series, Artemis Entreri and Jarlaxle.

Now that i'm thinking of it, October is going to be a kickass month for all kinds of reasons. Nails concert, trips, and the fact that it'll be getting colder again. ohhh, how i love that cold. fat kids aren't built for Summer Weather. and the winter reflects a lot about me anymore, i believe.

anyways, up early this morning cause i gotta go to work. actually made myself breakfast this morning for the first time in what seems forever. usually, i'm not a big fan of breakfast, but i got up way earlier than i needed to, and decided to give it a whirl to see if i still got mad cooking skillz, and i do. though Mrs. Dash and coffee dosen't mix too well, let me tell you.

anyways, got the next couple of days off, and i hear there's happenings going on as well. gonna make the most of them. and if it results in me getting horribly drunk and pulling another stupid-ass, possibly life-threatening stunt, then more power to me, right?

The flames of rebellion burn hotter than ever in me. Three generations strong.
Nothing can, and nothing will quench the firestorm now.



Read/Watch/Listen/Play:

Star of Cursrah, clayton Emery.

Million Dollar Baby, Clint Eastwood, Morgan Freeman, Hillary Swank.

Rubberneck, Toadies.

The Bards Tale,inXile Entertainment.

mdame


Save the ashes
For reminders
Stony things remain
Tooth and bone
unimpressive
I have left these things
Because fire is bright
Fire is clean
efficient and divine
Tooth and bone
Charms and dolls
I am free tonight

Well, trying to be a writer is obviously a bust, unless i'm just typing out random thoughts in my head. that's comforting to know, and a real boon to my already battered self-confidence let me tell ya. trust me, eveni was like "What the Fuck?"

anyways, nothing much has changed. i could tell you about some of the more interesting things that have happened in the last month, like the old lady who suggested that the store sell "that warming stuff that you put on a man to get him excited and stuff", or i could tell you about how i got retarded drunk(no suprise) at a sunset concert and ended up on the wrong side of carbondale in the middle of the night and narrowly avoided getting mugged(becuase i'm broke as fuck, becuase i'm a grand fuckup and screw up ALL aspects of my life), or about how i got lost and drove for 70 miles on the wrong interstate on my way to springfield and forgot my backpack o' clothes. Or i could tell you how civilization 3 has sucked my soul in because i love the fact that i can destroy anything and everyone at my own homocidal whims, or how i think it's absolutely fucking retarded that GTA got an "Adults Only" rating and has sent eveyone in a tizzy again, or i can tell you about the hot bartender chick that i saw at the two brothers in springfield this past weekend, and my own, "unique" view on love, life, and everything and all that rot.


but no. I will tell you none of these things. mostly becuase you're not too inclined to hear them anyways, and i don't want to talk about it right now.

I'd rather say that i feel anything that resembled Good in me has long ago died, and given the chance, i would show you how empty i am inside.

well, i feel better now. HA. I'm going to go drink more.

mdame


As i lie here and stare
The fabric starts to tear
It's far beyond repair
And i don't really care

As far as i have gone
I knew what side i'm on
But now i'm not so sure
The line begins to blur

Nothing you haven't heard before

Just a reflection
Just a glimpse
Just a little reminder
Of all the what abouts
And all the might have
Could have beens
Another day
Some other way
But not another reason to continue
And now you're one of us
The wretched

The hopes and prays
The better days
The far aways
Forget it

It didn\'t turn out the way you wanted it to
It didn\'t turn out the way you wanted it, did it?
It didn\'t turn out the way you wanted it to
It didn\'t turn out the way you wanted it, did it?

Now
You know
This is what it feels like
Now
You know
This is what it feels like

The clouds will part and the sky cracks open
And god himself will reach his fucking arm through
Just to push you down
Just to hold you down
Stuck in this hole with the shit and the piss
And it's hard to believe it could come down to this
Back at the beginning
Sinking
Spinning

And in the end
We still pretend
The time we spend
Not knowning when
You're finally free
And you could be
But it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to
It didn't turn out quite the way that you wanted it

Now
You know
This is what it feels like
Now
You know
This is what it feels like

Now
Now you know
You know
This is what it feels like
This is what it feels like
Now
You know
This is what it feels like
You can try to stop it but it keeps on coming
You can try to stop it but it

the wretched, Nine inch nails

breathe

choke

breathe

pointless.

You wouldn't get it anyway.

of all nights, why tonight? if fact, why this weekend? words i needed to hear for years said. a pair of simple words uttered.

A whole belief structure, smashed apart.

a life... lives, could be so different.

I've destroyed so much, and now, a pair of words fixes it?

it fixes the cause.

it does not fix the effects.

i have so much to do.
so much to be sorry for.
so much i have robbed myself of.
so much i want back.

i'm sorry, this isn't a short story or anything like i've been wanting to write. and this is not something i am completely comfortable discussing with everyone.

So much ground to cover, and no time.

the latin phrase truely fits me now more than ever.

This Path
so cold
and familar



Quod me nutrit me destruit

I believed in you

When you had your doubts

i can't stop bleeding




you'd better pray that I never heal

Keep Stabbing



I'm begging you

where does the time go
too long since i remember
who i really was

I can write you a thousand times, but it ends up the same
And now
I’m supposed to smile
And talk roses
While I think of gravestones

"I love romance. I love the very notion that a guy and a gal can fall in love. you see, though, the real world, it dosen't take too kindly to the fairy-tale idea of love. Where is the other half? where is the faulted one? there's always that one that dosen't get that mythical American aream-you know, the wife, the two point five kids, the white picket fence? the posh yet not overbearing job that manages to provide? Where's that guy? I'll tell you. He's usually penned as the jealous ex-lover who, if you believe the movies, is the bad guy. there needs to be a novel about the one who was left behind. an antimance, if you'll forgive my bastardization of the words. a novel about the bad guy who is genuinely remorseful about the wrongs he did. Maybe that guy, just maybe-don't get me wrong, there's a ton of nutjobs out there-that guy believes so much in the very idea of lvoe that he dosen't leave it so easily. thick, thin, whatever. things happen. but love isn't something you wash off like dirt. it stays with you, forever."

"you're making no sense, pal."

"I imagine not."

"No, really. What makes your story so special? there's millions of jilted lovers out there."

"granted. they also go on and find someone else to assuage thier feelings. they forget. mostpeople are trained to do so-ou know, the whole "there's other fish in the sea" thing."

"It's true, you know."

"I don't believe that for a second. I believe you find people you speak the word to; ignorant of it's true meaning, it's absolute connotation, until you find the person you can't dream of being without. that person who, above all else, it your absolute everything to you. the person who, if they told you not to eat, you'd starve yourself to death. not your first time, and not the first serious relationship-the first person who never tries to change you-or you, her. the one who you see yoruself further down the road than next week."

"That's somewhat psychotic, if you ask me."

"I expect as much. I also expect you find love based upon more material things."

"who are you to be making that kind of judgement? YOu just sound like some sorry-assed broken-hearted fool who put too much trust in the wrong one. the right one's out there-it just takes time to find them."

"And i say i've taken enough time to find the one. and i also say i have lost that one person. and thirdly, i say, there is no better offer coming down the pipe."

"You're just too cynical. you have been since the day i met you."

"With good reason."

"what's that?"

"most that have reached my age haven't thrown away all thier chances."

"Then you don't truely grieve for the girl-you grieve for the loss of your chance, as it were."

"I grieve her. not the chance."

"and i say bullshit."

"And i say you have no idea what it's like to be the bad one in a relationship. I'll bet you've always been the one wronged. they always cheated on you, they always left you for someone you percieved as 'better' than you in some form. You've never been on the other side; you've never held someone in high standing and at the same time, be so scared of it that you end up destroying it. even if you have miraciously done such a thing, i'll bet you've never felt sorrow over it. if you really did, you would have done killed yourself by now."

"That begs the question stranger. why haven't you?"

"Because I still hope."

"hope for what? from what you've told me, there looks to be none left."

"that's where anyone else would give up. And that's where i'll keep standing there. I've bled too much over my own mistakes already, that to walk away from it now, would essentially make it all for naught."

"okay, but how much can you bleed for something?"

"as much as it takes. That's what love is- or is supposed to be about."

"Well, i think you're just nuts, and this woman needs to keep as far away from you as possible. and you need professional help."

"have you ever read Keats?"

"Who?"

"someone who knows more than i do about these matters than i can pretend to. good day."

Because we were once
Becuase I was alive then
Becuase You loved me

Writing and thinking. A lot of both. go away.


oh christ... fine. just to shut you up so i don't have to hear any "you jypped us AGAIN" crap.

Remember the Zombie Simulator? there's a new version out, where you actually do stuff other than watch everyone slowly die. give it a whirl. give some of the other simple yet fun java games a whirl too, while you're there.

and if that doesn't keep you satisified, try the kitten cannon. it should go without saying that you shouldn't really want to do this to a real live kitten, though if i could toss a kitten 2521 feet, that would be pretty awesome.

not looking for a game? okay... I got something for ya, brought to my attention by happening upon an old rp friend of mine(whom i've not heard from in a while, missy): Things My girlfriend and I have Argued About. hilarious stuff for all you couple types, or for people who were once couple-types. whatever. it's for everyone.

also, i'm not usually the one who is real good about doing huge get togethers anymore these days, and i was never any good at planning roadtrips. But... I wanted to Drop this on you, and see if there's any interest. I went about four years ago, and i had an absolute blast, and i'd love to go back. if nothing else, the price of admission is worth it to see "The Theatre in the Ground", or, as i call it "Classical Literature Meets Mudfights".

there. now, back to writing and drinking and listening to crows.

mdame


There’s things I remember
And there's things I forget
I miss you
I guess that I should
Three thousand five hundred miles away
But what would you change if you could?

well, tues night. getting this one in just under the wire. Nearing the end of the month. just one day fading into another.

Went and saw Land of the dead last night. awesome. on the way there, it being a monday night, i noticed a couple of things on my way, got my creative juices aflowin. do not worry though, i shall spare you for now. come july, however, may be the mont you want to skip reading, as i won't be doing a regular "update" per se. I figure i'd warn ya now, that way i won't get a lot of "WTF is this" comments like i did last year.

another odd thing about being in carbondale-and i don't know why i mention this, but i got to thinking of my last adventure in carbondale, with the hot chicks #'s 1 and 2... and i was thinking of some of the other crazy times, and a harken back to an old story(well, not much of a story, more of a declaration/admittance thang)...

I once drive through carbondale with no pants on, just to see if i could do it.

okay, i just creeped myself out. i'm going to stop now. sorry for that mind-scarring update. wait, no i'm not. if you're that mentally scarred, just do what i do: drink in excess. Nightly. As often as Possible. sometimes, you can forget, even if for a little while. Beats trust issue therapy by a country mile. or whatever therapy the image of me with no pants might elicit.


mdame



I know it’s all getting away it comes to me as no surprise
I know what’s coming to me is never going to arrive
Fresh blood through tired skin
New sweat to drown me in
Dress up this rotten carcass just to make it look alive

anyone else notice those SCOTUS rulings? Wowza.

kinda boring weekend, save for friday night.

I had full intentions on going to see Land of the dead, but i got sidetracked. I was going to see the 10 o clock show in carbondale, and decided that i would have a couple of drinks at pinch.

around nine o clock, i got a call from Hooter, and since i'm in a bar and i'm half-deaf, i resort to yelling into the phone like a walkie-talkie "I CAN'T HEAR YOU, I"LL CALL YOU BACK LATER". these two girls i was sitting by by the names of Kate and Jill(Hot chick #'s 1 and 2) thought to be extrememly amusing. and that started a conversation.

Come two o clock, we had talked all over the dial and found out we're all fellow science dorks(well, one was an anthro major, but that's close enough for me). So, NO Movie for me, but i got a phone number and a "we should hang out again sometime" which is cool. and then the three of us ended up at wal-mart till the in the morning becuase they needed to get some stuff, and i needed to sober up.

it was rather surreal, to be frank. Usually when i go to a bar, i get right to business-light up a smoke, sit my brooding ass down at the bar, and order a drink. does anyone see "talk to hot wimmins" in there? i don't. I am of the mind that any time spent talking to some woman i don't know(and most that i do know) is a waste, partly becuase i'm and ugly fucker, but mostly becuase frat boy x is just sooo much "cooler" than me, what with the in style clothes and the neato car that mommy and daddy bought them, and thier super cool connected friends. and of course, they're "hot". blah, i'm rambling and not making sense to myself. what i'm trying to say is that i know where i stand on "teh hawtness" scale as compared to other guys. though every once in a while, i go "WTF" becuase a chick is dating a guy who i consider myself mroe attractive than. Must be that thing called a personality. or money. one or the other. most likely the latter. if it was the former, i'd rolling in the honies.

OH. You mean a cool personality that isn't a dick? i see. so you want someone who is cool, but dosen't hold his own or own up when the shit hits the fan? fair enough. Plenty of Fake people to choose from, i assure ya.

Today's "Single and bitter about it" article brought to you by the letter œ.

mdame



I scar myself you see
I wish I wasn't me

Got my cellphone today, and i'm back in business, yo. need phone numbers, in case you didn't catch it last time. Pissed Nunkie off becuase i was playing with it so much. It's cute as a button, and i think it will most definately boost my popular points.

I'm listening to a bunch of remixes of The Hand that feeds. wowza. I like. I highly recommend grabbing the torrent file. I grabbed the "top 40" version, myself. becuase i wanted to sample it before i grab the 500 pack. but yeah, if you are into that kind of thing, definately pick it up. the several that i've heard really rock my bojangles.

In other news, I walked away from a ridiculously easy lay tonight. god damn it all. this wasn't a "i think i could have gotten laid" thing, this was "hand it to mike on a platter" happening.

and i got up and left. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot? christ, i'm getting old. and it's not like it's going to matter to anyone that i did such a stand-up thing like walking away from a drunk, married woman. I've already proven many times over that my moral stance is severely lacking it seems. fuck. god damn my conscience. why the fuck could i not have stalwart attitude last year?

well, now i'm pissy. i'm sure listening to nails isn't helping. gonna go play a game, drink, or something to get my mind off the matter.


wait. one of these, becuase i haven't done one in a while.

Read/watch/Listen/Play

Soul Music, Terry Pratchett.

Se7en, Bradd Pitt, Morgan Freeman, Gwyneth Paltrow.

Human after all, Daft Punk.

Area 51, Midway Games.

mdame



In your eyes is a place
Worth remembering

Tried monkeying around with the code a little bitso i can insert some GIF's in the subtext banner, to no success. oh well... try again some other day. New cell phone order, should be here hopefully by friday-saturday.

head's hurting. feel like i'm going to become a pillhead at this rate. Celebrex helps, but jesus christ it's expensive to take two a day. Need to see doctor. need better muscle relaxers or better painkillers or something.

that's all. not drunk enough and too tired to rant on like i did last night, much as i want to. head hurts, too.

mdame


Rock
Robot Rock

seems like i want to write something right now, but i really don't know what. so right now, i'm just staring down at my keyboard and just concentrating on the next word that pops into my head. so pardon me if this rambles a bit. Two movies coming out soon that i intend on seeing. One coming out this friday... Land of the dead. I seem to have been the last person in my group that was aware that it was finally coming out. Yeah yeah, i know... I'm slacking. There is another, however, that i have become aware of, called Undead. it's not out till the 1st of July. I don't really care about movies right now, honestly. I care about purpose, and my lack of it. it's like everyone else has either got it figured out or is close to getting it all together. I feel like an outdated machine who has lost its reason for being.

let's get the facts straight.

I am skills-deficient. i work a dead-end job in a town i am barely a part of socially. I'm not depraved enough to sling dope, and i have a problem hocking stolen loot.

I have a Associates degree which, at this juncture, I can do nothing with. I have also been kicked out of school three times, twice from the same school. I cannot cover the costs of taking classes next spring, if by some miracle, i was to get back into My program.

I have no wealthy patrons, benefactors, or backup source of income should i become unable to work. I am not eligible for welfare.

I am a faithless heathen who finds no comfort in hoping for better rewards in the next/afterlife.

small wonder why all the good women stay far away from someone who has fallen out of thier league. Or i push those away that, against all odds and warnings from thier friends, do attempt to forge ahead.

Nobody? Ineffective? most likely.

Bitter and Jaded? Definately.

Lost Cause? Out of my League? looks that way from my PoV.

Wow. I'm feeling drunk now. whoops. how'd that happen? well, enough ramblings for me tonight. this toook longer than i wanted to write, most likely becuase i am now having to conentrate harder as to not fuck up my words anymore than i usually do sober. Goodnight.

mdame


I don't know what i am
I don't know where i've been
Human junk just words and so much skin
Stick my hands thru the cage of this endless routine
Just some flesh caught in this big fucking machine

first and foremost(other than the awesome picture). New URL: http://livingdead.newbloodstudio.com

if you're linking me, please update your links. i don't know how long the old URL will be valid. right now both point to the same page, but this one is a lot easier to remember, thus, i'm expecting the more faithful of you to spread me like the virus that i am.... and i should get a million hits a day by next week. Other updates are going to be made as i go along as i monkey around more with the PHP code. i can already tell that some changes that are different that i gotta get hammered out.

anywho, Weekend was great. got to finally meet My niece Noelle, who is quite the ham. I can tell she's going to be cool, becuase she liked me right off the bat for being a total stranger. I think she can tell how cool i am... so what's your guys' problem? anywho, had a weekend of playing around with her, Playing some Campaign Halo 2, ate some good food at an irish sports pub... and went to Evans City, which is awesome on so many levels. my first nightin Ohio was rather uneventful due to the fact i had been up for 30 hours, so all i did was sleep. but the rest of the weekend has fun-fueled chaos. more pictures will be posted later this week, as time allows.

Got to see Chicago from the air for the first time, which was another awesome. these days i don't really make much of an effort to go up there due to personal reasons, but seeing it from above made me remember fonder times in that city. maybe i'll actually want to go sometime soon and see what other better days i can remember, or better yet, create. i can tell you one particular memory i created this weekend in that city already.

I was wondering around O'Hare during a layover after coming in from having a smoke break. well... i obviously looked lost or something, becuase this guy comes up to me and asks if i need help. "sure, looking for concourse F..." i said. he points me in the right direction, and i thank him, ready to go on my way.

"Oh sir! could i talk to you for a minute?" he says as i turn away.

"uh, ok." i didn't have anything better to do.

"you're a big gentleman, very hardy-looking."

"that's what i hear." i'm half-creeped out and half-annoyed at this point, as a strange, effiminate man has just politely called me fat.

and this is where i learn that Hare Krishnas no longer wear bed sheets at airports. I get to hear a little bit about stuff about the ocean(which is why i think he mentioned that i was a big'un), and he showed me all this cool sanskrit, and then a kickass picture of a minotaur with a axe getting ready to sever the head of a cow with a human head. then he wants to give me this big book, that appearantly holds the keys to a deeper understanding.

for a donation.

"The Gideons give me a free bible, why can't you?" I also mention i was joking to him before he gets offended.

"Look, all i got is four bucks, can i buy it for that?" which was true, becuase most of my money was on my card, which, much to my chagrin, was in the red all goddamned weekend becuase appearantly, hand deposits don't show up as a pending transactions like they do when i go to the ATM. jackasses. he didn't look like had a Credit card machine on him either-which was good.

"Let me give you the travel edition."

So, for four bucks, I got the "you didn't spend enough money so you're going to be roach in your next life" edition of the book. but hey- i bought four bucks worth of good karma, which, if you have followed my shakespearian nature of my life for the last year, i need all the bonus points i can get.

most likely though, i used it up the moment i went to MCdonalds and bought a couple of cheeseburgers. which i did right after i met him.

I can't win for losing.


mdame



You've got that look I wanna know
You've got that look the hy pro glo
it burns a hole inside my mind
it burns a hole inside my mind

Hey-

just a quick update to let you know that yes, this place is alive and still kickin.got lots of pics to upload and a story or two to tell.

stared at some grey ohio skies, the bright moon out tonight that somehow still reminds me that i'm not all that far away from you, and flying into chicago...more reflection on all this crap later.

Anywho, gotta get some rest for my flight tomorrow.

good update sometime this week,

mdame


If I go crazy then will you still call me Superman?
If I'm alive and well
Will you be there holding my hand?

Guilty Party added.

Wine Tasting pics added.


So, considering my current dearth of women in my life, i shouldn't actively be trying to run off those that do come around.

okay... let me backup and tell you a story.

remember back when i told you about the chick who i gave my number to at the drive thru? okay, well... we've talked off and on since then, via phone and txt messaging, and then... IM's. Sounds good so far, right? Wrong. like i said, off and on. i've invaribly pissed her off several times becuase of my religious inclination. hard to explain, so let's keep it simple and stick to the matter at hand.

About two weeks ago, i msg'd her out of boredom on MSN, and she messaged back, back and forth for a couple of days, then i harshly reminded of something: her Vocabulary consists of "sup", "ok", "what" and the clever combination, "hey Sup", and general questions pertaining to "so you still singel" and "have you got a woman yet". if you haven't guessed, she's about as entertaining as watching paint dry.

okay, i have to stop for a minute to bitch about something. i can't tell you how many txt messages i got on my phone that consisted of one or two words. if i didn't reply, i'd get another one ten minutes later. then she'd call. if i didn't pick up(usually becuase i was at work), she'd txt again. now, i don't expect novels over SMS, but somethign other than "sup" and "hey sup" i've heard enough of the word "sup" to last me till the end of my days. I HATES THE WORD, PRECIOUS.

anyway, given i've talked to her enough times, i like to think that i have a good idea of her smarts. I don't think of myself as some kind of budding Fat Einstein, but i don't get tripped up on the simplest of Metaphors, ask questions without any sort of segue or explanation, and i don't use "sup" as a proper greeting. okay, i'm being biased. she can't spell very well either, but then again, i have no room to talk. anyways, did i fail to mention that SHES FUCKING NUTS? okay. fair enough.

anyways, tonight i pretty much had enough of it when she had been talking to me for all this time and asked this question:



B: What is your name again?

LD: You gotta be kidding.

B: Jim what?

LD: jim?

B: what is?

LD: OMFG You don't remember my name

B: had a blonde monment

LD: you've been talking to me all this time and you can't remember

B: I'm sorry will you tell me again(at this point, i realize i should have just let it go, but then i imagined her doing it in a falsetto voice and taking on the "oh i'm just a stupid girl, forgive me becuase i have boobies" stance...and i saw a way to get rid of her hopefully for good. I took the low road)


LD: Nope. you gotta figure it out

(fast forward somewhat... trust me not missing much, just her tyring to guess my last name..)

LD: first off, where did you get Jim? And secondly, Have you been hitting on me this last week and a half without any clue as to who i was?

B: I haven't been hitting on you

LD: That's good to know. Though asking someone to tell you "what what you do i was laying beside you nake babyt" might give a man ideas. (you should really see her attempt to be sultry in messenger. It's quite a hoot especiially since she thought she led me on. and yes, that sentance in quotes is a snippet from said conversation)

B: ok

LD: do you say anything else other than ok and sup? AM I TALKING TO A ROBOT?

B: Well yes you are

LD: I can't be. Robots don't believe in Jesus.

B: ok

B Well i'm not talking to you.

LD: yeah, you are. You're talking to me right now. This is called a conversation

B: Bye

LD: Bye bye.

No bloodninja by any means, but i found it funny.

yes, I know. I'm a prick. and it's reasons like this i am still single and why i ruin relationships, so i should STFU about it, but... oh, fuck the explanation. I have my reasons and don't need to justify myself to the net.

and if anyone wants my castoff, i'm be more than happy to give you her number. Keep in mind that she's looking to get married and knocked up... in less than a year.


mdame


i got an F and a C and i got a K too
and the only thing that's missing is U

Doom3 makes me cry like a bitch. Seriously. i put the headphones on, and play it at night, and i swear to christ i'm going to buy a gun becuase of this game and keep it under my pillow. been a long, long LONG time since a game elicted this much panic and terror from me. and I LOVE IT.


only really updating today because i wanted to share something with you all that i found after updating. gauranteed to drive ya nuts, which is my aim. go... watch and listen.

well, i screwed my sleep schedule up reel good mighty-like, just not in the form i needed to. oh well. one or two more days to fix that, or else i'll be taking a nappy-time with my niece in Ohio. I really don't want to do that, becuase i fully intend to kick Justin sane's ass in halo 2. yeah, i'm talking trash, whassup? I ain't frontin. you can't Handle the combined powers of Daft punk and Ricer City Ransom!

anyways, that's enough.and hey... if you feel a little jilted becuase it seems like all i did was put ABS links in my update today, i'm sorry. now that i said that, here's a little something to waste time. go find Waldo. you'll find him a lot easier if you are in a dark room. dunno why, but it helps.

llama lamma duck.

mdame

We have Explosive

I'm supposed to be sleeping but fuck it all, i can't. might as well update, since i have to force my sleep pattern into something recognizably normal before i head out to Ohio anyways.

so friday i got out with a couple of workmates to go bowling. then some of us went to pinch. i was going in a sense becuase there was this girl who was supposedly "perfect" for me, and i thought she was pretty attractive in return. only thing was... well.. we didn't talk much. i couldn't even muster up the courage when i got trashed to talk to her. i understand she is a cool person, and one of the other girls was all like "oh, she IS into you". her body language told me a much different story. I don't mind a girl not being "into" me. hell.. I'm used to it. i just wish there was more upfront-ness about it, so at least there isn't any of that fleeting hope that i have a bad habit of having.

Saturday was the vino tasting at slowbek's, which was quite enjoyable. i had reservations about this thing at first, i gotta tell you. when i envision a wine tasting party, i was thinking about how it seems to show our age and that this will be the new thing, and gone are the days of getting stupid drunk on cheap beer and taking crazy pictures, dorking out, and all that fun stuff i should have left behind when i hit 25 becuase, thorugh some statistical calculation that society has pulled out of it's ass, the party is supposed to be over by then, or at least winding down. But needless to say, fun was had by all involved, i do believe. though i got drunk and forgot my camera over there and i really need to pick that up before i head out to ohio.

i didn't sleep too well sunday. i had one of those "wake up every hour and then go back to sleep" type of sleeps. worked, and then came home. otherwise, a typical, boring as hell sunday night for me. which, sadly, i was alright with, since the back of my head has been hurting all day, and i don't think it's going to stop, which is going to make work(gotta be there in an hour) all the more fun.

all in all, i got drunk twice in one weekend, so everynight when i went to bed, i wasn't caring about how i was utterly alone. and that always helps make the night go by!

Still haven't got anything done as far as my cell phone, either. Awesome.


well, nothing left to do now excapt put up shitty poetry. and i'm not going to do that to you. not yet, at least. boy, i typed quite a bit for still having things on my mind.

mdame


I tried but I can't find a way
to untangle all the pieces
after they've been thrown away

i can find the personality, but not the face or the body.

i can find the face, but not the body or the personality.

i can find the body, but not the personality or the face.

this gets easier with time?

i'm not one to believe that.

glad it worked for you, though.

mdame



You expect me to deliver
I will simply steal the horse

oh SNAP i didn't write an update last night, so here it is.

one week till i leave for ohio.

and if anyone has any good ideas on how to get to california before the end of the month on the cheaps, i'd like to hear them. Difficulty: Hitchhiking is out. I'm too old for that. I may not be able to do the Tour of the dead like i wanted to, but i'll be damned if i'm going to spend all summer around here.

And there you have it. your update, good and not so good peoples. sorry this is so short, but i don't have a whole lot to say. nothing that hasn't been said before at least.

mdame


So fuck ya'll
All of ya'll
If ya'll don't like me
Blow me
Ya'll are gonna keep fuckin around wit me
And turn me back to the old me

sorry, i was almost too busy playing this to post this update.

it seems that i will be taking on an added responsibility at work pretty soon. I will be the Offical "thug" for our store. Meaning: I get to go to people's Houses who have our movies and tell them we want our movies back and please give them to me. two things come to mind: Number one, i'm not all too "popular" in this town to begin with, and this kind of job is going to ensure that i will not be able to drink in town or get a date from here ever again. Think about it; would yo udate someone who repossesses things for a living? i'm kinda doing the same thing. one of the owners even asked me if i was going to do it for the rest of the stores in the area. I was just like "we'll see how this goes first."

the other thing being that i am almost POSITIVE this is going to generate all kinds of awesome stories for you kids. My Pain(i'll be disappointed if somebody dosen't take a swing at me while i'm out doing this) will be your humor.


the only other thing i did recently that was cool is thatme and A friend figured up an interesting figure: I've spilled enough semen to fill up a 16 gallon keg. if you really need to know how we figured this out, we used some mean averages and the information contained on the internet.

I'll leave it at that for you math buffs to figure out the details, if you are really that interested.

mdame


no one was looking

Now these are some plans i can get behind.

I beat half-life 2 last night. Awesome, but now i'm more confused than ever. Now i'm ready to give doom 3 a try once i get ahold of it. but for now, i think i'll just run around the HL2 deathmatch servers for a bit. i did a test run last night and found out i'm a bit rusty on my skillz. well, no better time to practice than right now, right?

so that's what i'm going to do. since i seem to have some kind of fundamental problem in all other areas of life, i'm just going to escape into my own little world. Better than knocking up some clapped out trailer trash, and better than doing drugs, right?

bah. fuck this. there's your update.


mdame

So full of hate that I can’t see

Got stood up saturday.

so it wasn't a trainwreck, as there wasn't even an engine on the rails. got there and waited around for an hour before deciding it was a bust anyway, this chick was obviously not interested to begin with if she was so crass as to completely not show up.

This is me pretending not to care anymore.

This dating game in a word, sucks. everyone's taken, or can't look past the surface or the past. I'm just as guilty, so let's get that out of the way before some of you fucks start calling me a hypocrite.

This is me putting the gun in your hand.

i don't even know what else to say at this point, which i'm sure pleases some of you. Can't even stand to look at the dark reflection of what you could easily be. laugh it away, push it away, chant your happy mantra louder to drown me out. You avoid that side of yourself, kill it away and anything that reminds you of it. I'm Embracing mine.

And this is me daring you to pull that trigger.


mdame


Scar
scar
can you feel my power?

You know who you are, and becuase you give so much of a fuck,
I hope you live long, happy lives.


mdame


now the only pure thing left
in my fucking world is wearing your disease

Can't talk long. Waiting for Brandocrap and Nunkie to pick me up for a trip to Springfield.

But i gots a Date Saturday. Yeah, i don't know how the fuck this happened either. We'll see how this turns out. My Guess is that this is yet another trainwreck in the works, knowing my luck.

Got pulled over on my way to work yesterday, and thankfully, got out of a ticket by the skin of my teeth. the entire time i was just thinking "wow, i definately see a pattern here in my life."

Hopefully i won't go to jail anytime soon.

oh well. Whatever, fuck it. Kinda tired of giving a damn. Life will find a way to fuck me, i am sure of that.

but we shall see.

mdame

slowly move on
how did we get to here
it all went wrong
gravity claiming all your tears
everything looks so much better now
looks so much better now

it's another month. Hoo-fucking-Ray.

nothing of importance to write, really. but it's the first of the month and you guys probably hate staring at the "i've not wrote anything.." text.

Paid my fine yesterday. I think the franklin county courthouse is the newest layer of hell. Or, at least it was my experience. And the guard who was waving everybody through the detector when they set it off really made me feel secure. he should work for the TSA.

I was also late for Court...Imagine that. thankfully, they hadn'tsent my ticket up there yet, so i did n't have to sit through all that crap.

then went down to marion, where i got to find out that i'm going to be without a Cellphone for a while. that, and my mother is the worst goddamned driver in the world. Then the jones Boys came over to flex thier mighty Crazy Taxi skillz and remind me that i suck even at my own games. excapt half-life 2, whereas the tables are flipped. it seems to be the only thing i don't suck at of late.

well, fuck this. I'm off.


mdame


Shove it up inside
Surprise
Lies
Stains like the blood on your teeth

So, those that were there friday night at herrinfest know the main story, to give a recap:

Celebrex+Almost nothing to eat all day+a metric fuckton of beer=A very drunk and beligerant Livingdead.

I know i probably pissed a few people off by my absolute refusal to leave at the time, but hey... i was having the time of my life challenging nature to do her worst. That, and welll, have you tried reasoning with yourself when you're drunk? it dosent' go too well.

anyways, i had a hell of a time, despite the shitty last couple of weeks compounding on me, and despite the fact that it was raining like hell. I ran into all kinds of people i knew, so i felt safe enough to get that plastered. also, i felt safe.

that all changed after about the fifth piss break.

on my way to the john, i realized that i might need to call in and let my friends("Mike, we're leaving you here. we'll be back to get you later." "Okay, you bunch of Nancies!") know that i was ready to be picked up. once in the john, i set down my cuppy-cup collection(it was about two feet long at this point, i think) and started making the business. whilst doing so, i dug my cellphone out of my pocket, went to flip it open, fumbled, and heard it splash right into the port-o-potty.

"goddamnit, i dropped my phone.." i grumbled, as i finished pissing and bend down to pick it back up out of the hole. Luckily, before my hand crossed the barrier into the realm of human waste, a thought popped into my head- at least five thousand people have probably used this thing today. That's cholera, Hep A, and schistosomiasis, to name a few of the nasties i could possibly end up with.

"fuck it. I'ts just a phone." that was probably the smartest thing i done all day.


tried to hit on a chick wearing a Wicked Women Choppers Shirt, but that was a train wreck and a half. Staggered on out of there once, when the rain reaqlly hit hard because i needed smokes, went back to the concert, eventually ending up being found by nunkie and Salmo clinging desperately to a Stop Sign for support. How i wasn't an obvious Target for a Drunk in public ticket, i have no idea. Hell, i even went up to a cadre of cops bitching to them about how i lost my cell phone and i want it back please get someone to get it for me okay nevermind i'm drunk i need more beer bye. by the time i got home, i didn't make it to the steps(appearantly i was also splashing around in the ditch when Nunkie dragged my ass out of the car) before it was time to "pull the trigger".

My Liver is Pissed at me.

Saturday and sunday were a lot less uneventful, Went bowling with the kids, went down to marion to get Half-life 2 and Manhunt.

Speaking of those... I have a new computer. Thanks to Gracious Benefactors, i got a bunch of castoff hardware that makes for a pretty sweet system. Sadly, it meant the retirement of Compy, the 350Mhz speed demon loaded with a sweet 16 MB Voodoo3 3000 AGP.

fear not, however, i got A copy of Linux around here somewhere. with all the excess hardware i'm awash in at the moment, i might just give him the Honorable way out: burning himself up whilst Multitasking.

As i mentioned earlier... becuase of this generous gift by Some grand friends, i decided it was time that i get back into PC games, and bough Half-life 2. then the realization hit me: i have five years of computer gaming to catch up on(the last "fancy" game i was able to play was Diablo 2, back in 2001). this fact, coupled with the Glory that is Half-Life 2(don't worry doom, you'll get your chance), pretty much means that i will no longer have a social life, and also have absolutely no need for a girlfriend for at least six months.

So goodbye, and if you need me, call the House phone(at least for this week). I'll see you guys next year sometime. And if i can find time, I'll update. ;)

Seriously though: Some of you need to leave a message on my voicemail with your cell phone number so i can program it into my my new phone, when i get it.


mdame



Does it make you happy?
Are you feeling happy?
Are you fucking happy?
Now that I'm lost left with nothing?

I worked with the new hire tonight. that was kinda cool becuase at least i had someone to yap at for my shift, but not too much as we were kinda busy for a wednesday night. it's usually boring as hell up there. no short shift, and usually not much else going on. Anywho, the NH was pretty cool to work with. She was featured in the "New Legal Ass Issue" of the Progress a couple of weeks ago. Well, that's what i call the High School Graduation Insert. i thought it was funny. anywho, she's seems cool and dosen't mind my weirdness is unrecordable by current three dimentional standards, so it oughta go okay then. sorry, my life was kinda unexciting tonight.

fast forward about seven hours...

i just spent the last six hours writing, jotting down quick stories, and plots. you wanna talk dorking out, i just did on a massive scale. I stopped writing the blog update even to go on my wild binge.

I haven't done that or been motivated to do that in an age. now it's like i can't turn it off, i just want to go write some more and flesh out some more ideas.

WTF got me in this creative spurt? and why can't i do it to make a update?

blah. I'm gonna go write some more, and not for you guys. Later.


mdame



Prying open my third eye

Arrrgh.

Okay, help me out here. How many of you actually watch the "special features" disc on a two disc DVD? i realize this is a loaded question, as i myself dork out and watch said fluff disc. hey, if i spent 20 bucks on it, i'm going to wring every last cent out of it.

I ask this becuase i got bitched out today by some old guy becuase he didn't get the second disc and acted like he didn't get the WHOLE movie. i calmly explained to him over the phone that we don't normally lend out the Features disc becuase most renters arent' interested in them.

"but that disc has Ten extra hours of the movie! how can you NOT include it?"

"Holy Christ Almighty", i'm thinking.

"sir, it's extra features, 'making of" features, how certain effects are done. most renters aren't interested in that stuff. they just want the movie. We keep the second disc becuase most of the time people don't bring it back when we do let it go out. If someone wants the features disc, they just have to ask."

"well, i don't know how your business is run, but let me give you some advice... You should give people the option!"

It's at this point i'm biting my tongue, becuase i'm appearantly not the half-deaf one anymore in this conversation. yes, you can have the extra disc at no extra charge. No, i don't really give a fuck that this is your third time up here today. I didn't make you drive up here becuase you're so goddamned incensed that you feel you got jypped.

Now, like i said, don't get me wrong. I regularly watch the Extra disc on my DVDs... However, I also BOUGHT the damn thing, and for me to buy it, it means that i am interested enough in a movie that i would garner enjoyment out of dorking out over the technical details of a film.

If i'm renting a movie, or going to the theaters, i just want to see the movie. I could care less about hearing the commentary from The Second Keygrip Jizzmopper's friend Steve and the director's Son, ad nausaum,/i>.


sucks that it's only tuesday. I wish it was friday already. not that the weekend is much better at far as things go with my life, but at least i'll be drunk and Listening to Dr Zhivegas and Hairbangers Ball at Herrinfesta Italiana.

nevermind the fact that i'm german(with an irish Last name, no less.)

mdame


Do you count the flakes when it snows?
And can you feel the heat or only the afterglow?
Do you count the flakes when it snows, yeah?
And do you count the leaves when they fall?
And can you feel anything at all?
Do you count the leaves when they fall, yeah?

went and seen Episode 3 last night with Nunkie. it was alright. I was disappointed when i didn't see any Protests, though. I felt a kindred Spirit With Anakin, though, all except for the "pregant" part. but pretty much everything else. Vader as an Idol? Hmmm...

gotta be honest though... the trip home was much more fun. together, we began a trek of Hardship as we slugged through the oppressive rain. Man: 1, Nature, 0.

then we got to Zeigler, and the main highway was blocked off by cops due to some accident. "okay," we thought. "no problem. we'll just hit a backroad can cut over the Cleburne or Yellow Banks."

Wrong. Horribly wrong.

Thomas Vaughn, My old english teacher, wrote an article about two weeks ago about this quaint little town, referring to his halycon days of youth spent being outside. though he gave the reader's digest Version of the history of Zeigler, he made only passing mention of the... interesting road layout. In fact, he outright omitted the fact that the town Of Zeigler is a Labrynth of the ancients, complete with A hulking Minotaur that we, luckily, did not happen upon. if you stray off of the highway, you're screwed. Seriously, i honestly think the only reason people still live there is becuase they got lost and just decided to settle down and build a house on vacant land. Now, some of you might scoff at being lost in a town. but considering it was late at might after a heavy electrical rainstorm, i fear that we discovered it's horrible secret in the misty twilight of last eve, barely escaping with our lives. Man 0, Nature, 1. Somehow, the counter had been reset.

consider yourself warned. Use my handy map to avoid the Minotaur. though, if mythology has anything to say about it, i'll bet he moves around.


mdame


Rest your shoulders Peaches and Cream
Everywhere a Judas as far as you can see
Beautiful angel calling
We got every re-run of Muhammed Ali

hmmm.


Read/Watch/Listen/Play:


Lord Jim, Joseph Conrad.

Strange Days, Ralph Fiennes, Juliette Lewis, Tom Sizemore.

Fat of the Land, Prodigy.

Legacy of Kain: soul Reaver, Eidos interactive.



Perhaps it's just the way the light falls
But everything looks like a target to me
And I don't know where the gun is
But I'm certain that it's pointed at me

well well well... who didn't see this coming?

that is all for now. i have other things to do than to sit here and slag everything at the moment.

but oh boy, do i see a storm coming.


mdame


In your eyes is a place
Worth remembering
For you to go and take this
And smash it apart
I've gone all this fucking way
To wind up back at
Back at the start

I seriously need a hobby.

This may be hard to relate, as most people are ecstatic to have days off and can plan all kinds of things. i seem to have a problem doing such things. let me give you a rundown of my first few days off.

Last thurs, i get a bug up my ass and decide to go camping... as far away from here as possible. i also didn't decide this until five o clock in the evening, which meant when i got to my chosen destination, it was dark. You ever set a cabin tent up in the dark? Well, it sucks. But goddamnit, i was out to prove that i'm not so fucking helpless and that i can survive just fine.

So the rest of the weekend, i get other things on my mind. i sit and ponder around about them. Ponder so much that i wasn't really in the mood to stay out saturday, that, and combined with the fact i was tired from working an early shift.

Tuesday, I had all kinds of nothing to do. I went driving around for three hours, revisiting old haunts from my Youth, basically gandering over old scars in the area. There, an ex lived there. that place, i was broken up with. Oh yeah.. I had sex out here a couple of times. that was pretty cool, but she left too. Oh, and absolutely nothing good has eveer come out of this town. fuck why did i go this way? too dark to go any further this evening...

Then i head home. bored. I try Yahoo chat. Disasterous. Nothing but Sexcam bots hungry for a credti card, and complete utter fucking morons. Seriously, go on Yahoo chat and TRy to have a conversation. Nothing but a bunch of fuckholes empowered by the fact they are somewhat anonymous that think they have the ability to stomp ass in real life. Amusing to me, at least.

anyway, so i end up dropping 20 bucks and upgrading my hotmail account, in essence, to have access to MSN chat, hoping to god becuase only subscribers can get into chat, that it's at least not loaded with all the sexbots that constantly msg you. and i was right. for the first time in a long time, i had engaging chat with people i didn't know. The last time i did something like that was back in the dark ages of the internet, which is a fancy term for the year 1997.

Anyways, i seem to have gotten some flak for doing that, as it looks like i have to pay for friends. Allow me to prove myself to myself with some mike-math. I currently have 10 people(out of 60) online in messenger. of those ten, three are blocked, five are marked as away, and one is on mobile. that leaves one. And if i really wanted to talk to him, i'd just call or go visit him. I crave new, entertaining stimulation, however.

Plus, twenty bucks a year for chat is a steal compared to 55-66 Bucks a year at SOI.

that was my tuesday.

Today, I just woke up not too long ago, and while i was at work yesterday, i decided to Rent all the Star trek Next Generation movies for today. This proves my theorem That i am a Bored Dork.

Then there's the SO. We've not talked much in the last week, most ly becuase her phone has almost no minutes on it, but it seems our lack of communication may have caused her to ponder. Wonderful. I should probably go and call her, write her, or drive down and see her or something.

Or maybe I'll put off watching Star Trek and do some more driving and think and just be alone.

what's Worse than being forgotten? Becoming Irrelavant.

Yeah, there's a great closing thought.

mdame



I’m getting tired of starting again

Nothing much to report. still got a lot on the brain, but nothing worth writin about.


Read/Watch/Listen/Play

The Count of Monte Cristo, Alexandre Dumas.

Blade: Trinity, Wesley Snipes, Jessica Biel, Ryan Reynolds.

Tweekend, The Crystal Method.

God of War, SCEA.

mdame


Come on motherfucker
You's a man a minute ago

Becuase i've become so taken with taking pictures of myself for updates of late...





last two days have been crazy. as much as i'd love to say it's been fun, i got a hit with a bit of a "what the fuck"? tonight. Much as i'd like to say i was almost expecting it, i still hoped it wouldn't be.

now i have to go and think about this one. this, combined with other factors, has kinda thrown me off and right now, i don't know what to think. that, and being beligerantly drunk does not help.

for anyone who has Mike-ray goggles...read a little deeper. you might see something you may have been missing. or maybe you should listen to With Teeth. i dunno. i'm drunk so what the fuck do i know what to talk about?

there's your update. thanks for reading.


mdame



As I lay here
the fabric starts to tear
It's far beyond repair
And I don't really care
As far as I have gone
I knew what side I'm on
But now I'm not so sure
The line begins to blur

just got this a couple of minutes ago. Got off work and decided i was going to go to the bar for a celebratory drink on my last night of employment at the Barrell.


Kinda took the wind out of my sail. I've bitched about this before(or someone has, i can't find the time i bitched about it), so i won't go into it. anywho, so now instead of having a drink like i was planning on, i'm sitting here at home, and i still need to get a pack of smokes. i'm using a little mike-math to calculate the need of me getting another pack of smokes vs the odds i'll get popped for the same goddamned thing becuase i refuse to wear the atupid thing. hey great, it saves lives. i'm thankful. MAKE IT AN OPTION, NOT A LAW. you know what else saves lives? teaching kids drive responsibly and not to talk on thier fucking cellphone while driving a goddamned SUV that mommy nd daddy bought for them "because it's a safe car for thier first time". ARRRGH.

to think i was so worried about driving on expired plates last night when i went to carbondale. Irony, or Karma? My bet's on karma, since i was bragging hard about getting With Teeth early.

Fuck it. I'm Going to go play Monkey ball and take shots everytime i lose a monkey. at least i'm not driving.

I even had a cool story wrote up i was going to post. grrrrr. now i'm just thinking of all the other things that piss me off.


mdame


Everybody loves to want to
Everybody wants to need to
Everybody needs to be
To be somebody else

Bought at P MAc Music in Cape girardeau MO on 28 Apr 2005.



I am a Tiny God. Worship me :)

P.S. The Play was awesome, and the 'rents don't hate me. Awesome.

and today is my last day at the Barrell. Rawk. Sinco de Mikeo Is also right around the corner. Double Rawk.

enough Gloating for today. enjoy.


mdame


Now i just stare into the sun
And i see everything I've done
To think i could have been someone
But i can't stop what has begun

When everything in said and done
And is no place left to run
I think i used to be someone
Now I just stare into the sun

I found some other things that weren't quite what i meant, so here is my revised Geek code.


-----BEGIN GEEK CODE BLOCK-----
Version: 3.1
GS d- s:++ a- C++++>$ U P+ L+ !E W++>$ N++ !o K++ w>$ !O M- !V PS+ PE Y+
PGP !t !5 !X R>* tv- b+++ DI+ D+++>$ G e+ h r y+**
------END GEEK CODE BLOCK------

Secondly, Nunkie... put the Livingdead Fanfic on the backburner, as there are still people who do not know the hard rules and the story behind Bradong. I'd Ask bradong to do it(as it is his thing), but i might as well ask my penis really nice if it would grow to the size of manhattan. Somebody NEEDS to do this, and it won't be me; i could never quite do the story justice... I tried once and failed. Someone can Do Better. Your rewards await... in my panties.

and thirdly, Kris Will be in attendance Friday. Thing is, Someone is going to have to keep her company whilst i go do this thing called Work. Brandocrap, You free?

i heard a girl the other day(friday) drop the word "Muchly". while it seems to have been entered into the english slang language. now you're probably saying "okay, big deal. Why should we care?"

Really, you shouldn't. But when i heard it, i immediately pegged the girl as A Gorean, which is completely understood by almost none of you. I thought it was piss-pants funny, but i seem to be stuck in a my own little world where the word "Muchly" is a watchword for someone who is into that kind of kink.AFrom my (albeit limited) experience in things perverse, I try to listen for certain things that people of certain flavors might drop as a hint. Or i'm just a fucking retard who sees sex in everything. The Latter is more likely. And for the record, i'm not a Gorean. I'll take my Restraints and Beatings without the Fantasy of counter-Earth, thank you.


and that's it. Another update. Short in length, but hey at least i'm updating regularly again.

mdame


If you try walking in my shoes
You’ll stumble in my footsteps

Normally, I'm still asleep at this point in the day, becuase i'm such an awesome slacker. But Kris called me and woke my ass up to inform me that she has Incriminating pictures of not only us together, but of me, Nunkie and Brandocrap. of what, i will not divulge until i have them up in the Album.

also, i'm a bit confused. can we do it or not, slowbek? you should, you know :)

anyways, let's see here...content... Oh... I found this yesterday which proves a very interesting read. Take Note of the section called "the Ladder Theory". Hey, it got giggles out of me becuase some of it seems to hit home at times.

did you know i have a Relative in Nigeria? neither did i. and some nice barrister guy is trying to make sure my family's riches are returned to the rightful owner. Jeez, what a nice guy. I had been nitching recently about how all these morons seemed to get fooled into such a thing while never actually getting a letter from them in my email account. and whadday know... i get TWo of them in my yahoo account. I should have kept them and posted them on here for laughs, but i didn't- becuase i'm a jackass like that. But if you want a general idea of what it said, go here. yes, i've linked it before, but i highly recommend the Letters Archive. Hilarious stuff.

i wish i had more to say, but i suck and ran out of stuff to write. So here's my Geek code.

---BEGIN GEEK CODE BLOCK-----
Version: 3.1
GS d- s:++ a- C++++>$ UL---@ P+ L+ !E W++>$ N++ !o K++ w>$ !O !M !V PS+ PE Y+ PGP !t !5 !X R$* tv-@ b+++ DI+ D+++ G e+ h r y**
------END GEEK CODE BLOCK------

woohoo. I love filler. now go figure it out.

okay, really out of stuff here,i got to get to work sometime soon and stop my dog from humping the cat. she's a bit confused about which genderis supposed to do the humpinz(not to mention species), which is natural for a 56 year-old virgin, i guess. and now i have pictures of hot dog humping action. checkthe misc album later.

enjoy the day, assgoons.

mdame


Now i'm somewhere i am not supposed to be
And i can see things i know i really shouldn't see

Playboy is:

A. a magazine that caters to my interests and shows me interesting aspects of social life that i have not seriously considered or heard about period. I find it entertaining, humorous, and i truely do enjoy the articles. the pictorals are tasteful and seductive, even artsy. I gladly pay my subscription fee.

or

B. A juiced-up skin rag that shows women i'll never fuck, interviews people i'll never meet, displays products i'll never be able to buy, and showcases a lifestyle i'll never enjoy. the subscribers are lining the pockets and fueling the habits of a 70+ year old man. and the humor sucks.

Now, far be it for me to be the prude, but i really am curious as to why people pay money for this stuff. I'm going to make up some statistics here, so bear with me as i whip out my trusty TI-83+ Scientific calculator and make some computations.

okay, let's say that maybe 25% of the men in america that subscribe to PB are Affluent enough to be able to enjoy the finer things in like that PB showcases. that leaves 75% of male subscribers that are, for better or worse, the archtypical Blue collar worker who cannot spend 300 bucks on a good whiskey, or some other high priced item. is PB selling a subscription of dreams to the lower class? or is there something i'm just not getting? again, i'm not trying to rag on just PB here, as this can be applied to many, many other magazines, even some that i am a subscriber to. Hell, one could, in theory, apply it to online journals, though i'd be a bit crepped out if i fould out that there was some person in BFE Iowa who fiendishly devoured every word, recommendation, and experience i went though. I guess i'm just asking the age old question: Do you look at the boobies, or read the articles? Discuss.

anyway, not much else to report. well, yeah there is. I finally got a multitap for my PS2. while most of you are probably yawning at that, to tell the story behind getting said multitap is to tell a story of greatest proportions with equal parts agony, irony, and finally, joy that can only be understood by me, brandocrap, and nunkie, and other assorted total hardcore gamer dorks.

After having a few drinks at the bar friday night, we all adjourn back to my house to show Nunkie the joy and frustration that is Super Monkey Ball DX. after about a good hour of the three of us wanting to punch ourselves in the groin with spiked knuckles, we get the bright idea that we all have moeny and can split the cost of a Multitap if we go RIGHT NOW to Wal-mart. at 3:30 in the morning.

We get to wal-mart, only to find out that they have none in stock. shock, Irony, and the hint of Bloodlust sets in. I set off to find someone that will verify that yes, indeed, they are out of the Multitap. Brandocrap Asks him if he would call a couple of the other stores to see and he does so while the three of us are discussing who we are going to kill first in our frenzied rampage if there are none in the entire area.

glancing around the rest of the electronics area, i spot a stack of just delivered Product. Already filled with despair, i happen to glance at a Box that shipped from Sony. Lo and behold, A box full of the New Multitaps. My training at EB games has not gone to Waste!

And then... no sooner do i start to shout my discovery, the guy on the phone looks at me and says something that sounds like "Sir, Please don't touch that".

Now i'm royally pissed, but i dont have any bail money, and i don't think the other two would have bailed me out. So i stalk off, and Brandocrap asks me WTYf is wrong with me

"There is A box of Multitaps three feet away, and he's not going to let us have one!"

"dude, Maybe he dosen't know"

"He just told me not to touch it!"

well, it turns out i had misheard him(suprise, suprise), and someone brings it to his attention that they do have some in stock, and we end up getting a Multitap, to which we Skipped down the Aisles and spread sunshine and rainbows as we make our way to the checkout and Nunkie put it on his card. we went back to my place and craziness ensued. It was one of those nights were i wish there was a camera that was taking footage becaus the Insanity that followed was something that would have made you all Simultaneously Piss your pants laughing and confuse the fuck out of you.

And there ya go. the most boring story you will probably read this week unless you were one of the three of us. It's Like trying to explain Penduloso to anyone who wasn't there... you'll not gonna get it.

and here i was bitching about the elitist dream that PB sells to the lower castes. Pot, meet Kettle.


okay, so i was so going to stop with that last sentance, but i'm all wired on Cola, camels, and crystal method, so i'm slipping into freak out mode.


dude, we should seriously have a parety at the barrell this Sunday night. It's my last night and i'm Never going back. seriously Slwobek, let's get on this. we can keep it kinda low-key( and by low-key, i mean just everybody that reads this is invited) or we should like have it somewhere where we can get fuckfaced and like, Just be crazy. I know it's not like it's a special event and i've quit like eventeen billion times but dammnit, i wanna have a party. I'll dress up like chick corea and you can dress up like Stan Getz. See it'll be a theme Party? Ben can Be Dave brubeck and Tim Will be Buddy Holly and Brando Can be the Big Bopper or Babby McFerrin and He'll get us Hookers and he can expense them. can we Get dwayne to dress up like the chiquita bananna Lady? Seriously, I think he should do that for me. and he should do it for you too when you quit. It can be like, our special thing, right? he should do it, becuase he's coming back from whereever the fuck he's at. anyway, if we can'tswing that, we should put up a sign that says OPEN ALL NIGHT!!!


And then we'll get a giant Boombox and climb up onto the rooftop and throw ice at all the dumbasses that drive up. And then maybe Cracka Will Drive down dressed up a BB king and tman can come as Lord Saint Agnathby and then Brando Will expense some more hookers and i'll steal a pope hat and we can have a Mud wrestling contest between me and the Hookers in the COOLER becuase that will be EXTREEMMMEEE!!!!! kinda like right now I'm all EXTREME KEYBOARDING AND I"M THE BIGGEST GODDAMNED RUSH FAN ON THE INTERAZNETS anyways so we should do this Becuase seriously, how many other times am i going to quit? And i can't go to the Bonepony show becuase i'm going to 'lyssa's Play so we should compensate by having a Go away party for me. Seriously, do it or else i'll die and come back as zombo-Mike and kill every one of you fuckers. or i'll keep drawing stupid shit like this until you do.

WTF is wrong with me,


mdame


He asked us
Be you angels?
And we said
Nay, We are but men
rock!

heh heh. me make funny.

heya...If you are using an old version of winamp, i highly suggest getting the latest version. crisp, clean, and actually runs faster on my system than my old version. i was a bit skittish at first, since my computer's last major overhaul was literally last century, but it actually is pretty snappy. almost no stutter for me anymore when i stitch to another program(granted, this isn't a problem for you kids with those gigahertz processor thingys and gigbytes of RAM), but wow...it's like my files sound cleaner than before. maybe also that's becuase the EQ on the previous versions was all kinds of wonky.

anywho, just a quick shout out for the new version of Winamp before i go to work. nothing else really exciting to tell.

Confidential to Crackerjack: Get ahold of me on MSN or email.


mdame


I wanna live
I wanna love
But its a long hard road out of hell

Guilty Parties Added.

let's see if this works...



Awesome. this was done a while ago, but i liked it so much that i thought i'd dust it off again. get your own here. I'd love to come up with a version with the LB marqee to keep with the local flavor, but somehow, i think i'd get my ass sued despite Fair Use. Lawyers, Anyone?

anywho, the 'fancy' date went well, and she finally met Mt. Hooter. all tests have been passed. pictures should be forthcoming.



wizzork time. later all. not only that, i think my monitor is about to go out. i'm getting to serious wave flicker here.


mdame



Look in their eyes mom
you'll see me

Thank god, he's gone. JoJo the idiot circus boy's last night was tonight. No more mangled lyrics and bullshit stories and hearing the same goddamned "woe is me cause i have to be here tonight" story fifteen times. I'll miss the lil fucker, mostly becuase his logic was so flawed it was hilarious.

in unrelated news, i put my own two weeks in saturday. no more Liquor boy after the first of may. less money'll be comin in, but more time off and less stress all around. which will translate into a nicer Mike. at least, that's the plan.

anywho, rock outs at the S friday. got to see some peoples i haven't seen in a While, and it was good. Speaking of Strangers, Bam Bam Stopped in unexpectedly tonight. I hadn't seen him in like three years, and hadn't talked to him in a little over a year. I had wrangled his number from his dad and drunk-dialed him last year while i was in the IC. It was late, and he had to work in the morning. I told him i would call him tomorrow, and well... i never did, becuase i'm a Jackass like that. but got like three of his numbers, and he works close by, so we'll see if we can get together for old time's sake.

Also found out a friend of mine's mother died, and that she had been trying to contact me, and i felt like a jackass again, but she's doing fine considering the circumstances, so that is good.

Gonna try and crack open Brandocrap's Drambuie, which, shamefully, i can't seem to figure out, and have a glass and watch a movie then some rest. I gotta work tomorrow and Kris is coming down for dinner after i get off work. good times.

Read/Watch/Listen/Play:

The Time Machine, H.G. Wells.

Hotel Rwanda, Don Cheadle, Nick Nolte.

Tweekend, The Crystal Method.

Xenosaga: Der Wille Zur Macht, Namco.

mdame



Yes I'm a New World Samurai
and a redneck nonetheless

new Nails, I'm drunk. Long day of work. Relaxation. I'm teh Awesome and fuck you otherwise. I 'm gonna go watch a movie as soon as i get done regaling you with a really boring update.

P.S. I'mn drunkl. thusly, i may ramble a bit. imagine me in the most fake soutyhern gentlemanly voice you can muster, you'll have a idea of where i'm going.

io got a billion dreamcast games now. we were cleaning out at work yesterday at the video store and got handed a box full of dreamcast games, it's mostly full of Sports games and Wrasslin games,n but what the hell i gots em for free. i got some double, so if anyone has a Dreamcast, you should like, buy me a drink or something. i might hook ya up. then again, i may laugh belittingley at you and bask in my high and mighty dorkiness. DORK+GAMES+DRINKAGE=AWESOME.

i hadf a bit of an ethical quandry in acquoring the Nails album. Then i realized i'm buying like, three copies of the damn thing, one of the said copies i can't even play yet, but i will someday. suddenly, my moral standing was kinda lying down(punny if you're a NIN dork, especially punny if you consider who i am as i seem to be the last person in the world who should stand for anything becuase i'm a fucking washrag), so i gots it and it Rizzocks my Bizzalxorz.

wow, i'm glad i did all my HTML first while i was still somewhat cohereant.

anyways

I'm sick of this place. Ghosts and A past i'm trying to escape and a future that holds nothing for me here. I noi longer worry about the lot of you, you will make out okay. i have at least that much faith in you all. So pardon me, if you will, There just might be a great distancing happening now between me and peoples. I have a need in me that is crying out to be fed, and for the first time in a long time, i'm going to start doing things my way. Too long has the House of Dame lain dormant and satisified in it's own decay and wishing for the sucess of others whilst dwelling in it's own failure. i'm concentrating harder now, so there's less mistakes as i use my dollar words.

i'm doing good. I want to continue to do good. I faear that i won't, just like last time. And godddamnit, i don't want to live in that shadow. i fucked up, i failed, and now i have a different path staring me down rather than the one i had planned for. Funny how life is like that. And now that is what i must and am focusing on. Like i said, Those of you will or are making out fine. I got to worry about myself now. Don't ever think it's becuase i've stopped caring about any of you that are close to me.

I have learned, in the summation of my life experiences thus far, that i have a cycle of destruction i go through after certain traumatic events. Those that have never seen the cycle before think it is pointless. Those that have seen(thankfully few of you up untill now) it should not have been concerned, but i understand why you were. i have a philosophy about such things: When such events occur, i have to find the flaw in myself. In order to do that, one must dig deep and tear everything down to base elements in such a way. it sounds completely stupid to some, i understand, but there is a reason; I must find and expunge before i can rebuild. Fuck, none of this is even making sense to me right now., I know what i'm saying, but as i try to go back and read it i'm thinking WOW i must be confusing the fuck out of them. so if you get it, you get it. if you don't, i'm sorry. i tried, at least.

blah. I got a movie to watch. and sleep soon aft. and i need to add a new guilty party soon, i promise.

last friday i got kinda loosened up(you already know this of you were there and/or read the update) at the S. Let me tell you my favorite part of the Night: The deep embrace we held for a good solid ten minutes when we got home. My arms wrapped around her, and hers around me. relief that i could find that part of myself once more. For once, my heart hasn't hardened in my own bitterness as to push out a genuinely good person.

So maybe my lessons are learned. Maybe i won't spend another half decade going through my fuck-and-run pattern. and maybe, Me and God are going to have a Sit down talk where i'm not screaming at him in hate.

christ this is long update about me and drunkenness and emotions. I feel like such a Emo Fag. if you read this far down, you deserve a prize of some sort. Sorry i'm not giving you one tonight, but you deserve one nonetheless.


Tired and bed time,

mdame



not gonna get a piece of that
no ain't goin out like that

I have Absolutely no words. shock and awed, and all that rot.

gotta run, but christ almighty... yeah.


mdame

A weekend Summary is in order.

Friday: down to Cape. Dinner with the SO's G-ma. Meeting more of her friends. Driving Back to town for Drunken Rockouts at the S. Sadly, No goats showed, so my description to her of it as a "true Hick Bar" fell somewhat short. Nonetheless, more showed than i expected and she got to meet a good deal of the crazies. Appearantly, There is still a bet out on who is going to make her cry once table rules are broken out in full force. Not Only that, I broke(somewhat) out of the nervousness shell i've had on since we started dating. Good Times, indeed. Even My mother stopped up at the S on a dare. How Fucked up is that?

Saturday: got up and got something to eat with the SO then work. so it was cool until i went to work. gotta take the good with the bad.

Sunday: had some good times with Nunkie and Brando, ate at 17th street in marion, not too bad except for the really manly sounding waitress. Work, then a suprise call from SO sayin she's coming back up and gonna stay overnight. Rawk.


Monday: Lotsa drving. Not me mind you. cape, then perryville, then back to cape, then back to here and some hangout times at Bradong's and some Wacthing of a Movie call "Ali G Indahouse" wowza. Funnier than i thought it would be. then retiring back to my place as Nunkie, Brando and gave an overview of the next Extreme Sports Craze - MilkCrate PokeStick™. Next, a horrible scheming of a human anomaly even I cannot describe in proper words. and then the SO took pictures of us trying to demonstrate excatly the mechanics of said melding of human bodies in a deadly Malloc-Challenging fashion.

then the party broke up, and i played some Super Monkey Ball DX And, of course, cursed it until i was blue in the face for being so fucking hard.

All the time i've been here in this area, I've always felt i played in a small way, the role of Chronicler. I'm always around, and i usually hear what's going on with so and so and how he or she is doing. While i've never complained about having this sort of unoffical title and honor of passing on the knowledge of whoever's doing well and whatnot, I'm starting to feel the part of a Signpost: Always with the information, yet Will never Leave the place it is Firmly Rooted in.

Once when i thought of this, i figured that it was my going to be my role: The eversteady person to those wayward souls that leave this place and come back to visit every so often.

Nowadays, when i think of that role i have slipped into, i also think of a Quote from A video Game Ad.

Challenge Fate.

Strange how such a Media can Be a Never-ending source of Inspiration.


Well, Work calls. enough Musings for now.

mdame


Go ahead and play dead
I know that you can hear this

A cigarette in one hand, a glass of Lambrusco in the other, some good music playing right now, and a feeling of want-and being wanted in return.

Life is good.


mdame



It dosen't matter

In my mind, a tattered paper hangs on a wall. six words, three of them are crossed out.

AGES

INNOCENCE

LOSS

DESTRUCTION

ASCENSION

RESTORATION


quote of Late:

"things are in forward motion. there is no turning or looking back.
fuck the clutter of the past and everyone in it.
click on erase. hit ok. goodbye."



I have no further comment on that for the time being, but in time, you shall see.


How about this to think about: Anyone else noticing how music is starting to suck less these days? New NIN,Beck, Weezer, and Audioslave singles out that kick ass, and respective albums already out or coming out soon. Hell, even the Mudvayne Single pretty damned cool. I might actually get some cool new cd's that are from this decade. now if only we can get a new Tool CD...

Read/Watch/Listen/Play

Ghost Towns of Southern Illinois, Gleen J Sneed.

Sin City, Bruce Willis, Mickey Rourke, Jessica Alba.

Has Been, William Shatner.

NARC, Midway Home Entertainment.


mdame


Remember where you came from
Remember where you've been

between the hours i'm keeping and the inherient solitude that comes with staying up all night, the hours i'm working, the emotional rollercoaster of last weekend, and one fuckup after another i made this past monday, i'm a goddamn wreck. i feel like i've just fallen completely out of league. I work two dead-end jobs, i've failed out of school, and i can't seem to ease off long enough to build trust. who the fuck would want to date a guy like that? I'm so tired right now and i can't even go to sleep. every time i get close to that level where i could drift off, my mind fires some kind of picture, some memory, that jolts me awake.

i'm so worn right now. Who to talk to about this? I keep alienating myself or pushing it away becuase this is all been ran through before to just about everybody else. everyone's in bed, i can't just go and wake them up and i should wait till the morning but i want to pour it out right now. Have I really lost it that much? a whole year... and it hurts as much as ever. I'm trying to stay on a differnet path, but i keep pushing away my main reason for doing so, and i honestly don't know why. I Know i can change, and i believe that someone can do so once they find that thing that makes them realize that the night is only going to get longer if you keep up what you're doing. I've found my reason, but why do i keep screwing everything all up? I was such a dick the other night, all becuase i got bent out of shape over one little thing.

I'm seriously losing it. i've slept maybe 12 hours total this week. i've felt so horrible for acting that way i did, and i've felt so alone for so long. what the fuck am i going to do?

I shouldn't even post this. I have to dump my feelings somewhere, and everyone else is asleep.

I've stumbled, and my face has hit the ground. i'm getting back up, and yet again i find myself staring down a fork. the well-lit path is paved, and there are people standing around, ready to help for when i feel tired and weary. I have no idea, however, where that path leads.

the other path is one i should know all too well. it is dark, and there are things lurking in it's shadows. things i have fought before, sometimes barely pulling away from them with my own life. and i feel myself longing to run through it one more time, if nothing else, because i have ran it so many times before.

Guilty Party added.

blah. I wish i was tired. I wish i was drunk and on the verge of passing out. it's not like nothing's wrong. i had a pretty tame night bowling and hanging out in the Herrin hardee's parking lot like i was a teenager again(don't ask), but still...with my sleep schedule being the way it is, the night becomes even longer during these times. Don't get me wrong, i'm not heading nose-first into another spiral of self-hate or anything, but tonight's one of those nights.

the rest of this weekend, i fear, is going to be one of those weekends where i just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep looking down on the path right in front of me. I'm going to miss the scenery, yes, but at the moment i'm more worried about getting lost again than anything else.

Nah, i'm not going to write anymore right now. I think i'm allowed a sappy not so happy update once in a while, but i'm going to save it for another night, i think. we'll call this one half-cashed in. okay, three-quarters.


mdame


someone take these dreams away
that point me to another day
a duel of personality
the stranger true reality

yes, i did get a bunch of views the other day. i'm just hella cool like that. That, and someone's computer stuttered about 950 some odd times.

PS this was my 200th-ish update. throw me a fucking party. in fact, dedicate a whole holiday to me... we'll just make it today, and call it st. patricks day, though we all know it will really be named St. Livingdead's Zombieambercrombiepocalypse Now Day. The offical color will be green(though we all know i favor earth tones or duck hunt brown), and you will drink green beers(i.e. Scotch) in my honor and then sacrifice gingerbread men(this is real) in my name and call me... Burtzapadapugh(also real). and i will give you glory unbeknownest to mortal men, as you will be able to fly my lesbian seagulls into the great wide open with broken wings and learn to fly again becuase everybody's working for the weekend so wake me up before you go go stop hammer time.

it seems my mothers USA golds are affecting me in a strange way. either that or all that soy sauce i drank becuase i dared myself to when i got home. i think i'm going to be sick.


mdame



Yeah we know you love L.A.
But there's nothin left to say
Please no more California songs
And fuck New York too

Believe it or not, sometimes i find myself in a position as to whether or not i should censor myself when i write one of these things. i get a little shiver sometimes becuase well, quite honestly, i think that people will look at what i say, and then turn around and use it on me at work or something. I'd like to point out that i make these updates on my own time, and make them to represent myself and no one else. today's addition to the site should just about cover me. Although any legal eagles out there who would be so kind as to help me out would most definately get a shout out.

if you're wondering, yes, i agree... it's really fucking stupid to have to put up such a thing on a goddamned blog. But in today's sue-happy society and the ever-growing need to find a weakness and exploit it... well... you know the rest. I believe thatr any users of a blog/journal site are pretty much covered, so you don't have to sweat it.. I think.


either way... to anyone reading this that might be pissed about me talking smack about them. get over it. I'm on my time, and i can bitch about anything i want. Free Speech Was one of the wonderful things that made the internet so cool before a bunch of jackasses decided to fuck it all up with all kinds of shit.

Ah... Listen to me harkening back to the days of yore... I know some of you will never believe it, but there was once a time when there was no need for pop up blockers or Spyware detectors on the internet. Sad, isn't it?

well, i've said enough serious stuff. time to go look up slug porn and hit the hay.

Oh yeah... a couple of cool things to read if you're not busy and/or entertained by me rambling on like a grandfather in his old rocking chair still trying to connect to the internet via Trumpet Winsock.

first off... some seriously funny chat sessions ofcybersex gone horribly wrong. the second is some interesting Textbook Stickers.

enjoy the day, Kids.


mdame


m mad at my desk and I'm writing all curse words
Expressing my aggressions through my schizophrenic verse words

Boy, sometimes it's a toss up as to which co-worker i dislike more at which job.

it's either the brown-nose that thinks he knows everything becuase he's 18 and he can make babies and he's in "tight" (har har) with the bosses, or the 20something that knows kung-fu, ninjitsu, and jeet-kune-do AND is going to be a bounty-hunting rock star.

I just can't decide.

anyways, that was my last couple of days. exciting stuff, no?


Sometimes, i get really great ideas in my head about what to write. this usually happens when i am out at the bar. OH YEAH i knew talking about that would help me remember.

Guys... The Juke at the S is now offically the Greatest Jukebox ever. Go there and find out why.

anyways, as i was saying, i get these ideas, and then when i get home, i end up forgetting them. this can be for a myraid of reasons, usually having to do with either going to the bathroom, or deciding to watch a movie, or reading Fark for an obscene amount of hours. then, when i decide it's time to do an update, i forget whatever kickass thing i was going to talk about and stir up trouble/offend with.

You, the reader, are the ones who usually get screwed becuase of my fickle nature which strands this site for possibly days, or even a week. so here's an apology: sorry, I suck.

i also have talked several times about doing a site upgrade, which i DO intend on doing sometime soon, but i have to talk to Justin Sane, one half of my gracious hosts, in order to do that and to, as we(not I, very obviously) in the web-building business, "make sure the transition goes smoothly". I promise to do that... uhm... sometime. considering my sleep schedule, and his work schedule, and my appearant inablility to email him, i can't give an honest timeframe. but for the sake of those who just can't live without such a time, let's say... sometime this decade.

Some of you May ask: But livingdead, others give thier blogs a facelift all the time! Why can't you, dunderhead?"

well, it's a technical answer that i'm only half-prepared to give and you are not really interested in hearing. so i'll save it for the next update, of which i will, of course completely forget about for a couple of days and then most likely not even cover becuase by the time i update, i will most likely have found something else to ramble and/or rant on about.

I'm nothing if not honest.


mdame



No his mind is not for rent
To any god or government
Always hopeful
yet discontent

here is a post i tried to make on another blog, but i suck and could only get the damed title to post. so, in my infinite wisdom, i'll stick it here, lest it be lost in the digital mists of the internet. Laugh at my idiocy that i have no goddamned clue how to use Bloghorn.



this better work, or else i'm going to look like a fucking retard.


someone needs to take over this blog and whip it's sorry ass into shape. not me, as i'm too fucking awesome for bloghorn, but someone who dosen't already have a blog. Like brandocrap. Yes, You. take over this blog, you dirty bastard. or Salmo, He needs to write more often on here too. One of you dirty sanchezes needs to use this thing like a two-dollar hooker on half-price night. come on. you know you want to be cool like me, fuckers.

if nothing else, Will you do a Guest Blog on mine? My cool points, while infinitely better than yours, have slipped somewhat. I need ratings, as ratings get me cool points. cool points get me hookers and blow. hookers and blow make me popular and then i get to hang out with actors and be essentially Cato Kaelin, except without the hair loss and the awesome hotel manager job.

so seriously, do it, fuckers. or I'll eat your young like Kronos™ Gyros.

BALL TILL YOU FALL
FACE YOUR FEARS
LIVE YOUR DREAMS
I AM TEH AWESEOM!!!!!!!111!!!1shift+oneoneoneoneoneone

-Livingdead



There ya go. Happy fucking monday update.


Blarg,


mdame


i am someone else
and i remember everything

funny story...

first off, let me say that i have credible witnesses that can tell you that i could, at one time, drink like a champion, and that i could drink just about anything under the sun.

i realized how much of a has-been i am tonight.

me and ST went to the Italian club tonight, and on a whim, ordered a Liquod Cocaine shot. I used to drink these things like it was water.

tonight, as i took that sweet shot of high grade alcohol, i choked, and most of it came out of my nose. nothing is quite embarrassing as having to ask for a bar towel because you're dripping snot and rumpleminze in a bar half full of seasoned drinkers. St was nice enough to ask for a bar towel for me as i sat there covering my shame.

what was funny, is that since there was such a HUGE amount that went through my nose and touched my mucus membranes, i had a pretty good drunk going on for about an hour. i must have talked his ear off about all kinds of nonsense, like trying to blow up the world through a devious plot using copy machines, and i most definately never kicked St. Slaughter's ass when i was 8 years old.

anyways, it's late and i have to open the tanning store in a couple of hours. So away for me, to do even less active things than sitting in the internets.

mdame



This is your shadow on my wall
This is my flesh and blood
This is what I could've been

early or late in the morning, depending on whetehr or not you've been up all night or just waking up.

not much to report still. I live a boring life of working for the mans and sleeping. sometimes i play a video game, but mostly i watch movies on my tiny altoid box of a playstation2, or i read really boring stuff that i could type about, but would bore you all to death. i've thought about working on a story and posting it on here, but nobody gets that when i just post and everyone's expecting some witty jovial and/or depressio update, so i dunno about that. i may do it anyway, but at least you have a warning as to the fact that it might happen. really, my life is boring right now, it's so boring that i am typing almost randomly, all off-the-cuff just so i can have filler as to make sure my update is not just about the kickass NIN lyrics that i just had to post on here hell i'm not even bothering with punctuation at this point it's just going to be one gigantic run one sentanceandmayebei'llevenleaveoutspacessoicanpackinmoreinformationperbyteandsimultaneouslypissyoualloffbecuasei'mawesomelikethathahahahahahai'msocool.

I'm just a face in the crowd
nothing to worry about
not even try to stand out
I'm getting smaller and smaller and smaller
and I have nothing to say
it's all been taken away
I'll just behave and obey
I'm afraid I'm starting to fade away

let me reiterate how fucking bad i want to hear this album.



anyways, that's your update. sorry, i suck. deal with it, bitches.

But see
I'm waking
I feel
I touch
I breathe
I cry
I know this
So wait
Wait
I said please

Blah. Boring weekend. Not much to report. Didn't get tickets to the concert and quite honestly, i dunno if we ever had a chance considering how fast they sold out.

don't have much else to say, or can't think of it at the moment becuase i gotta get ready for work.

Read/Watch/Listen/Play

Game Over: Press start to continue, David Sheff, Andy Eddy.

The Ren And Stimpy Show: Uncut, John Kricfalusi, Billy West.

A crow Left of the Murder, Incubus

Super Monkey Ball 2, Sega Corporation.


mdame


Font size=1>
You're no Jesus
Yeah you're no fucking Elvis

I'm sick and it sucks. but at least i got all these kickass drugs in me.

I'm also hoping that i can get tickets tomorrow for either the 5/6 or the 5/7 Nine inch Nails Show. from what i'm hearing, there's a good possibility.

anyways, that's all for now. i have to get some more rest.

Happy almost belated Birthday to Terez. go and give her some well-wishes, eh?


mdame

Running after you
I don’t know where you are
And I can’t seem to catch you
I want you to know me

how come every time some fat kid does something stupid and makes it on the internets, i get fingered as the culprit?

seriously. look, if i EVER get caught doing something incredibly stupid ann/or funny, I'll be the first one to post it and then you can laugh all you want and bask in the glory of the knowledge that you, sadly, do know me and this isn't excatly suprising.

And while i'm at it, drive-thru customer #2354, i'm not a dead ringer for Chris Farley, either. I don't do coke, and more Importantly, I'm not dead.

that is all.

(EDIT: Happy almost-belated birthday to Justin Sane, the other half of the gracious hosts of newbloodstudio.com that allow me to continue to exist on the web Ad-free, pop-up free, and Admin-free. i didn't forget, i just remembered almost too late ;) )


mdame


I push rhymes like weight

There are things that I said I would never do
There are fears that I cannot believe have come true...

Holy fucking shit. May 3rd, get here, already.


mdame


Teeth in the necks of everyone you know

New Guilty Party Added.

let's see... this is the hard part. trying to think of all the things i was going to write yesterday, but didn't.

first off: Unkunkie, Cracker Jack, and Angie are in serious need of updating.

secondly, in case you have been living under a rock for the last couple of months, 05_03_05 is a very important date. VERY important.

Also, if the computer Fairy is listening, i'd like the money for a new computer. I got to play Half-life 2 tonight, and well... I need to change my shorts. then i watched some Single Player DOOM3. i'm going to be having dreams of being Gordon Freeman Stuck on a hell-zombie infested Mars for the next couple of infinities.

I was up at the civic center here in christopher this past sunday, helping Mama Livingdead put chairs up before i go to work. Up there, they have a ton of old pictures of what christopher Used to look like. It was rather sad, actually. The town that used to be used to be so bustling with life compared to the shell that we have now. it's weird to see a hotel standing where the dairy queen is now, or the dirt road that served as main street. or to see buildings that have stood decadant for years and the businesses that once housed them.

I had a call tonight from a regular customer who, after asking who i was and asked for someone else who wasn't working, wanted to know if her brother could come in and cash one of her checks for her becuase, you know, she's out of money. she kept saying that i knew her and that it'd be alright blah blah blah.

"sorry, i really can't do that."

"oh but come on! You know me! blonde curly hair, comes through drive through all the time?"(Describing half of Southern illinois dosen't help)

"sorry, not ringing a bell."

"well how come you won't let me?"

At this point, slowbek caught a visual cue that i was getting annoyed and threw me a bone. "It's against company policy" he said.

"it's against company policy." I faithfully parrot back to her.

"it wouldn't be against company policy if you knew me." Said in a, i shit you not, "come-hither" voice.

At this point i figure out who it is, and yes, i do know her. and i'm still pissed off that Suicidal Tendancies and co. didn't help run interference one night at Cotton's last year when she pulled me out onto the dance floor and started grinding on a rather drunk and dumbfounded Livingdead. I had to fake going to the bathroom and hope she was too drunk to remember me.

"sorry, can't do it."

"Whatever." Click.

the moral of the story? You should make sure that the person you're trying to charm to get your way is indeed attracted to you.


Happy Birthday Mom. I love you.


mdame



Damage Destructor
Crowd Disrupter
Mainliner
Everytimer

I had a Lovely Weekend. and i also obviously like vague statements about how my times are going.


a bunch of unrelated stuff to talk about, so this updates gonna be kinda meaty with a dash of incohereant.


Happy birthday to Jehboah, one half of the gracious hosts of newbloodstudio.com that allow me to continue to exist on the web Ad-free, pop-up free, and Admin-free...all so i can keep serving up my own saucy brand of wit. Work with me here, Kids.


Goddamnit world, didn't i warn You? WTF are you thinking?

I sold my PS2 This weekend on a whim. I've been wanting one of the sexier, smaller ones due to the fact that i use it constantly, and such usage could burn out the drive tray. Not only that, but the network adapter provided au gratis by braddong was incompatible with my current hardware. So, after selling it, i headed to Wal-mart in benton to grab one of the sleek new pieces of wonderbox, only to find out that they were sold out.

"Damnit," i thought. "guess i'll just wait till tomorrow to go find one elsewhere." And then i decide against waiting becuase i'm probably going to Die without one.

I get to DuQuoin Wal-mart around 2:30 in the morning. Sold out.

Whiskey.Tango.Foxtrot. This simply will not stand.

3:50 in the am, and i'm in Carbondale. As luck would have it, i get my hands on the very last PS2 they have in stock, amid the musings of the electronics guy going "that's the first time i've seen someone dance like that in my time working here. Granted, I probably shouldn't have been doing the bump and grind on the casing holding said system at four in the morning, but that's neither here nor there.

the rarity of these things in Southern Illinois(at least in this particular area) made me think about my own adventures behind the counter at EB. You see, back in 2002, there was a rash of sales concerning the redesigned Playstation 1's by men who were akin to buying three or four at a time. The strange thing was, they were buying nothing else but the systems. no warranties, no memory cards, nothing. just multiple systems at once. they were appearantly buying out the area, it seems.

Well, this got the attention of the Local authorities, as there was rumors that the components were being used to create bombs for an impending terrorist attack. That turned out that the systems weren't being bought so Osama can build a Nuclear Device out of Tekken(he should have taken a Cue From Saddam and Bought PS2's instead), but they were using the small redesigned units to ship drugs in after tearing out the electronic components.

What kind of drugs, do you ask? I can only speculate on this, but just for reference, here is a Picture of a Kilo-sized Brick of Cocaine. draw your own conclusions.

anyways, i just worked out a secret deal that it going to wrap up this update for today. Hey, you all want something to read tomorrow, right? Thought so.

Read/Watch/listen/Play

the Silent Blade R.A. Salvatore.

Interview with the Vampire: the Vampire ChroniclesBrad Pitt, Tom Cruise, Antonio Banderas.

This Type of thinking could do us in, Chevelle.

Fallout 2, Interplay.

mdame


Maybe in a different light
You could see me stand on my own again
Cause now i can see

Of all the time if been writing on here, i would run into occasions where i have a hard time writing one becuase i don't know if somethign would be interesting for the reader or if i should write it at all. sometimes i just have a hard time just finding something to talk about.

I have something i want to talk about. Quite honestly, though, i have no idea how to start, explain, or even answer. i could have updated at any time this week, but i'm quite serious when i say i don't know what to say or where to begin. i honestly don't.

let me start by saying my Valentine's Day was, in one word that does not describe it enough, phenomenal. to explain anything else beyond that is not for this journal, however, if only becuase i can't quite explain it all in mere words.

Like Last week, I have things on my mind.

So i will take my rest. Also, i can't seem to come up with a clever quote to stick on here like i wanted to.

mdame



I want to hold you like nothing's going stop us

Got tomorrow and monday off at both places. friday becuase One of the other workers that had orginally called off dosen't need to, and monday becuase i'd rather not be at work on that day. i dunno what i'm going to do, but the last thing i want to see is is a bunch of couples going out to enjoy thier night.

sorry this is short and not thought-provoking and/or funny, but i'm getting ready to go out. this week's been a long one with a lot of stuff in my head.

mdame



It's a beautiful world
Oh what a beautiful world
For you

where do i start?

First off, NEVER, and i mean NEVER, take food that's in front of me. This means you, Larry Tittle. I hope you search for your name and find this webpage and see that i am going to spell something very clearly out: If you ever touch my food again, i will break your fucking arm. Try me and see, bet me and lose. The same goes for the rest of you, though i don't think you are on the same level as this sorry excuse for a troglodyte.

Now, as for other things...

Slowbek brought this..ahem... Article(third letter down) in the Op/Ed portion of our fine paper, the Southern.

oh boy, where do i start?

Let's forget, for just a moment, that me and god are about as chummy as say a slug is with salt. This letter to me, is the very definiton of a nutjob. When you start demonizing others becuase they don't follow your own code of belief, you're tend to be standing upon a moral slope that has been frozen over with about six feet of ice. What a horrible way to justify the death toll, by more or less saying they deserved it becuase they believed in a different higher power. how do you know that the face of god isn't a cow's head? how do you know that Buddha is only a dead fat asian and not a supreme power? Hell, for all we know, God could be a group of aliens and that we're nothing more than a giant ant farm of Izhgaphth's desk? I don't, and you don't. You have faith and choice, and that is all you're supposed to have. if everyone knew for sure beyond all doubt, everyone would believe.

Nevermind the fact that if you've ever taken an Earth Science class, you could tell this overzealous Fundie that the places affected by the earthquakes and tsunami's are situtated upon a highly active tectonic plate zone, and that Earthquakes and tsuanamis are a part of life when you live on a trench island chain. just that this one was a particularly devastiving one. But then again, it's easier for him to condemn them all and throw in a little extra chiding for Florida, California, and Nevada, and top it off with some Vague-as-fuck predictions of his own(a tornado is going to hit West frankfort? OH NOES! THAT'S NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE!!!!111!!!!shift+oneoneoenoenoenone+one!)

christ almighty, i got on my high horse there for a minute. remember, i can't be held accountable becuase i don't believe in the first place and i don't care if we're all going to die! My life sucks right now anyways! HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA! TAKE THAT, FATE!

mdame


If there is a hell
I'll see you there

to quote CJ from Dawn of the dead: "it fucking figures."

i got a wild hair up my ass tonight and wanted to play Age of Empires. in the course of cleaning up the sty that is my computer desk a couple of weeks ago, i remember seeing it no less than seven times. I'll be damned if i couldn't find that CD tonight for the life of me.

It always seems that when i want to find something, i can find everything that has been missing on me but don't want at that moment. I found my Diablo 2 registration key(i needed this like a month ago), My Night of the living dead 30th anniversary edition VHS(someone asked if they could borrow it), A David Bowie CD i forgot to MP3, My checkbook(didn't even know it was lost), both Booklets for My Nine inch nails CD's, and the registration key for The Said missing CD, and three other computer games that i never even played.

I even tried reverse psychology-calling out to the aloof Game, telling it how i really don't want it anymore, and i'm going to play starcraft instead because it's right here. But alas, i ended uup settling upon one of the other games i found but had never played- Fallout 2. It's Kinda neat, but the combat system is kinda wonky for me. I was expecting a Baldur's gate 2 and got something else. But the post-apocalypse theme is kinda rad, and it's got that dark humor that drives my loins wild.

right, i didn't need to write that last sentance. on that note, i think i'll go catch some sleep.

mdame


I got the left hand of the keeper
Meet me in St. Louis
god a one-way ticket's cheaper

blah. i dunno what to write right now. I've been stumped for the last few days as to what to throw up on here. i put a hold on a certain announcement, but rest assured, it will appear soon.(read: this is a clever ploy to keep you reading, heh heh heh.)

here be links(i.e. I'm stalling until something pops on me head):

here's a cute little simulator forThe Zombie Apocalypse that i keep talking about.(won't run in Opera).


Ossie Davis is dead.. rest in peace, JFK.

and something else i found: How many of These have you seen? I got a score of 14, but i also believe that the movie "Troll 2" was rated far too fairly. it should be right under, if not completely usurping the #1 spot.

quick hit from tonight:

Guy comes through drive-thru at the liquor store. wants a pack of smokes.

"can i trade these for those smokes i ordered?(it was the comp. pack of a buy 1 get 1 deal)

"negative."

"uh, what?"

"that means no."

"so i can't?"

"sorry buddy."

so he coughs up the money and lays it upon the sill.

"can i see your ID?"

"are you serious?"

"quite."

"man, i'm 19-20 years old! I don't believe this!"

"Well good for you! now prove it."

Whips out his ID, everything's kosher. pack of smokes sold over the ambiance of him swearing that he's not being a jackass(uh huh), but this is the first time in 6 billion years he's been carded yadda yadda yadda.

Well, about ten minutes later... he comes walking in.

"hey buddy, when i handed that money, was there a pill in there?"

"uhm, no."

he looks skeptically at me. "are you Positive there wasn't a pill in there?"

I've been dealing with idiots all night asking me if i knew the score(no) /watching the game(no, No T.V. and i'm in a tin can that gets shit for reception and i don't watch football)/howcome you don't like football, big'un?(because it's boring, and hockey's better anyways) comments all night, my "customer service" level is running a bit low.

all of this, and now i have a goddamned pillhead asking me if i've got his score.

"Quite positive."

"cause that was my blood pressure pill, man.."

"you should try not smoking."

no i'm on another rant.

big boy/big guy/big'un comments are so not cool. Seriously. if you think you're paying a compliment, you're not. How would you like this:

"hey big'un! how's it going? looks like you're staying wel-fed."

"Not too bad, Sir. How's that anexoria treating ya?"

We're not comparing dick sizes here, guys, becuase quite honestly, there's no comparison to be made. I'm bigger than you. I can survive longer in case we're stuck outside in the freezing cold on the side of a mountain. if we were on the moon, you'd float away before i would. I can't ride certain rides and i have to pay more for my clothes. i somehow live with it. I'm so sorry that you suddenly feel inadquate becuase i don't look like i've got a tapeworm or a coke habit. I'm fat and happy. you're skinny/average/whatever and happy. let's move on and hate each other for reasons other than weight.

now, don't get me wrong. i don't feel i have to point out that commenting how large or not is somehting i have to do, as i tend to think that my readers are intelligent enough to know better. That bit of advice is for all the dipshits who happen upon my page accidentally looking for hot and angaging crackwhore porn via AOL. plus, i just wanted to vent and right now seemed like a cool time.

anyway, i gotta get to bed.


Read/Watch/listen/play:

Servant of the Shard, R.A. Salvatore.

Unforgiven, clint Eastwood, Gene Hackman, Morgan Freeman.

It's A wonderful life, Sparklehorse.

Resident Evil 4, capcom Studios.

mdame


can you feel the wind of venus on your skin?
can you taste the crush of a sunset's dying blush?

I just watched Pauly Shore is Dead.

sweet zombie jesus, what the fuck was i thinking?!?!?!??!?!? christ I need to bleach my eyes. do you know how horrible i feel for wacthing this movie? Let me put it this way: If you hate me and want a free shot, christmas has come mighty early this year.

Print out This...ahem..."Coupon", bring it to me, signed with your name, and i'll let you take a shot. I'm Serious. I hate myself that much for watching this movie.

just please, for the benefit of my unborn-and-at-my-current-rate-may-never-be children, be gentle. I don't want them coming out retarded, and neither do you.

in other news, I was calling in the numbers at The Video Store tonight to our DM. Me, being a dumbass, dialed the wrong number. I don't think much of it.

five minutes later, the phone rings at the store. it's the wrong number that i dialed.

"Hi."

"uhm. Hello..."

"why did you call this number?"

"I'm sorry about that. I dialed the wrong number."

"who were you looking for?"

"(name of my DM)"

"Is he from johnson city?"

"Uhm, I don't think so."

(insert about three minutes of mumbles to some other person on the other end of the line, and her telling me how johnson city's prefix is 983, and not 925. clearly, she isn't listening to me.)

"and what is his number?"

I'm not obligated to tell you that."(i meant to say "at liberty" but i'm a dumbass, as evidenced by the earlier story of watching a shitty movie)

"oh really? Well we'll see waht the cops have to say about that."

"what?"

"you heard me, Asshole!"

"ma'am, what have i done to involve the cops?"

"oh let's see... Phone Harassment, Maybe? ever Heard of it?"

"ma'am, I have absolutely no idea what the hell you're talking about."

"Oh, i think you do! you've called here Twice tonight! and you called the other night at three in the morning asking if we had an *-ball for sale! THERE'S NO DRUGS AT THIS PHONE NUMBER!"

"Uhm, No i haven't."

"Then how are we talking right now?"

"you called me, ma'am. and for the record, I've never Called anyone Looking for an 8-ball. I'm a video Store who Dialed the Wrong Number Trying to call in the Numbers to My District Manager."

(sounds of some lady asking if i called her or she called me).

"Oh, you dialed the wrong number..."("HOORAY FOR PUBLIC SCHOOLING!" i'm thinking)

Then she goes through about five more minutes of explaining how i sounded like this guy who called up the other night looking for an 8-ball(yeah, i caught that earlier in the conversation, thanks) and that there is not drugs at this phone number(you don't say? well gee, guess i'll have to try another random phone number) and how i swear i'm a video store in Christopher that, swear in my grave, dialed the wrong number.

and the zinger...

"yeah, I'm from that area."

"oh really?"

"yeah. I know the mayor."

"ahh. That's nice."

"Do you know Jessie Oyston?"



That's about all i have to say. Kinda made the rest of my night.

mdame


Cold silence has
A tendency to
Atrophy any
Sense of compassion

i have a shitty computer. Therefore, i cannot play kickass cool games. i'm too poor and lazy to rebuild one from scratch, and i'm too much of a snob to buy a closed-system(read: hard as fuck to upgrade) from Wal-mart or the like on the cheap.

So i look on the interwebs occasionally for odd little games to download and play. a lot of times i run into crap that dosen't hold my attention for five minutes before i go back to looking at muppet porn.

Yesterday, i found one i found interesting: Election Day. It's a pretty deep campaign Simulator. so far, I've been trying to run for Governor of Illinois. I had a pretty good chance until the game crashed on me. Maybe it'll work for you, maybe it won't. Other than the fact it's crashed one me twice and it has a steep learning curve, i have no complaints, especially since it's free(you gotta register with the site to download the game, though.) It's fun, educational(somehow), and quirky. right up my alley.

Speaking of which, i regretfully inform you all that the Intergalactic Invasion force of LUnar colony 2206 no longer exists on Nationstates. A day for for it's four billion Citizens when The Supreme Overlord didn't report for office in time. Sorry for all the Immigrants, Brandocrap and Corneil.

would You Pay 300 Bucks For a sticker? P.T. Barnum Would Be proud.

other than that, not much else to speak of today. All work and no day off in sight.

mdame



I gotta get my props up and earn my respect
Gotta shake someone up and throw em off the top deck

Not much to report. i have a day off tomorrow from both places. I'm stoked. I am Offically out of SIU for a year. not so stoked about that.

REALLY not stoked about ESPN jumping into bed with EA. It's offical: Electronic Arts eats diseased cock for breakfast and ESPN sucks now, too. goddamnit. if you like good sports games, this is the last year to get the good ones, if you ask me.

NIN and Ricky Skaggs go on tour at around roughly the same time? A conspiracy is afoot!

So i talked one time about a coworker i hate at the liquor store. I got another awesome story to tell you about him.

He's going to become a certified Bounty Hunter now. He's gonna take classes and catch all the bad crooks and earn a living and gets all the wimmins.

Do you know what it takes to get certified? In most cases, a gun and a little reading on skip tracing. That's it. If you're a sucker, you end up buying some other bounty hunter's "textbook" and get a shiny piece of paper that any bondsman would Laugh his ass off at.

As much as i hate to shit on Little Boba Fett's Dreams here, but the other term for "bounty Hunter" is called "Bail Enforcement". In illinois, it's illegal. If you find that stuff interesting, you can read some more here.

Oh, to correct an error, on the last R/W/L/P, The Game was NHL 2K5, and not 2K4. My apologies.

speaking of that...


Read/Watch/Listen/Play

The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Douglas Adams.

Schindler's List, Liam Neeson, Ben Kingsley, Ralph Fiennes.

So tonight that i might see Mazzy Star.

Tour of the dead update Next Friday.

Confidential to Unknunkie: Tie Domi is a dirty bastard.


mdame


We have a steady confusion
You're looking at fear
It doesn't seem like the first time
You walked out in a hurry

new guilty Party Added.

So i was supposed to meet this girl saturday night, but i got stood up. Just as well. Not my type, and i wasn't really interested in her, so it would have ended badly anyhow. in one sense i should be glad to be spared the eventual letdown that would have come, but on the flipside however, i don't have a whole lot of options leaping at me at the moment.

Maybe it's better this way for me.

And maybe i'm kinda sick of being single.

And maybe i know what i need, and what i want.

And maybe i can't have that.

And maybe that sucks. A lot.


Anyways, I finally got my CD collection completely Mp3'd. that makes me happy. I also found A trio of Rare Mp3's That i once had, but lost when my old Hard drive decided to take the proverbial piss.

Next up: making playlists for every single album that is on here(100+). If i were a smart man, i would have done that as i was converting them, but bah. I'm happy enough hitting random select on Winamp and being suprised every few minutes.

May 3rd is a long wait, but oh, how kickass that month in general is going to be.

hey, if you're bored(or pissy over my lament earlier) why don'tcha pick out some prime real estate on Mars? Never Too early to plan for the Mass exodus of humankind to avoid A lifetime of enslavement once the Zombies Rise and Mutant Nazi Dinosaurs attack from thier flaming Fortress Colony of Iktah IV, right? Me personally? i'm hoping for a Cosmopolitian Outpost to spring up at Olympus Mons.

Right. enough weirdness for this morning. I should have got my fill from Watching Sky captain and the world of tomorrow, but, well, you know... i'm a fucking loon.

mdame


I wanna be the last thing that you hear
when you're falling asleep

I'm not completely sure, but i think i've been kicked out of school.

more later as the situtation develops.

so much for proving myself, huh? sorry i've disappointed all of you, yet again.


mdame


Don't it make your day
To gather up your strength
And feel it slipping away?

sorry about the lack of updates lately, so here's a couple of random things:

The 04-05 Blackhawks Hockey season is alive and well at the House of the Dead.

here's a Nice lil website that should amuse you: scamming scammers for fun.

once again, EA sucks asscock and is still scared of Competition.

The Tour of the Dead? what? stay tuned for more info in the next couple of months...

Read/Watch/Listen/Play:

Come Back Alive, Robert Young Pelton.

Harold and Kumar go to White Castle, Kal Penn, John Cho, Christopher Meloni.

Retroactive, Def Leppard.

NHL 2K4 Sega of America.


mdame


I'm looking for clues
And wanting a change in the rules
I'm locked in a cage
Acting out on the wrong stage