so... a recap that should have been done earlier in the week is in order.

THURS:

work, laugh at my inablility to muster up the will to go to school. go out to the IC and meet up with peoples. ofter four double rounds of Cranberry and vodka with beer, i'm feeling pretty good. i start hitting on Ben's chick that he brought with him. Appearantly he had already sexed her with before coming up to the IC.

ever being the type to burn bridges, i decide on my next Cranberry and Smirnoff to re-enact a scene from Kids. for those of you that don't know what scene i'm talking about, Casper dunks a Tampon into a cherry flavored Kool-aid and proceeds to suck it dry. and exclaims "Mad Flavor, Yo"

i did this three times at the table, making sure i grossed just about everyone out at the table.

Having made my mark, i get up and leave.

FRIDAY:

besides fielding well wishes and happy birthday messages(and again, failing to have mustered to will to go to school), I Spent a Fucking hour and a half at the goddamned DMV. PSA: if you have a ID card, get it renewed NOW. next year the price is going up from four dollars to 20 dollars. went to Marion, got a few things, and then finally made it back in time to be picked up by slowbek and Nunkie. We go to Jack Russels, get some grub, and then head back to c-pher to go to T street. throughout the night, other peoples filter in and out to join the festivities. and for some unexplainable reason, NUnkie got up and left after me and him had a discussion as to whether i am a Misogynist or a Misanthrope. my arguement is this: why limit myself to a gender?

that was about it. I got drunk, some peoples were around, and then i went home and either played GTA or Watched a movie.

and that was that, for the most part.

one of my co-workers is a fucking idiot. he's tonedeaf and fucks up the lyrics to every goddamned song on the cd and or radio, and he keeps telling me about how he's going to be a big rock star be oh so cool. he also tends to think all my problems are all related to my lack of faith in a higher power. don't get me wrong, he's a nice guy and all, but i gnash my teeth everytime i work with him and i secretly wish slightly horrible things on him, like Ass-Herpes.

anywho, there's your update. at least, that's all you need to know for the moment.

let's see how long it takes for you monkeys to piss me off once again.


mdame



Close me in the dark
let me disappear
Soon there'll be nothing left of me
Nothing left to release

Twenty-six years on my way to hell.

mdame


don't think you're having all the fun
you know me
i hate everyone

I've been trying to figure out what to put up here for the last couple of days concerning my birthday. at the moment, i'm alternating between telling everyone to just meet me at this place at this time, or turning off my phone and striking out on my own in some bar i've never been in, get trashed, and get taken home by the local crack-addled bar whore and never tell anyone.

either way, i'm doing something, and if you want to see an alcohol induced train wreck, you should come along. becuase i plan on getting so drunk, that i must paraphrase Tucker Max in say that i want to get to the point where "As far as I am concerned, there is no road, policeman, or possibly even army, that can contain me."

fast forward about 18 hours...

i was supposed to get this finished yesterday so at least most of you would have some heads up as to where i'd be. yeah, i suck, and I don't give a fuck. I had to work and then i played San Andreas, where i'm rich and powerful and can shoot anyone i want to.

anyways, here's the plan.

I will be at The Jack Russel Fish Company around 5 for dinner. join or not, don't care.

at some point i will end up at the S or T street, whichever. depends on who is driving me at the time, as i damn well better be shitfaced drunk by the time i get to either of those places.

so there ya go. want to know where i'll be so you can join the fun/avoid me? Call me or show up at a Christopher bar. I'll eventually be there.

mdame


another day
some other way
but not another reason to continue

i turn 26 this friday. that sucks.

i spent last night in, the first night i've not drank in two weeks.
beer or no, it sucked regardless.

this update sucks, but i had nothing else to do.

and garnering from this blog, i'l bet you can figure out what else sucks.


Read/Watch/Listen/Play

American Gods, Neil Gaiman.

Chronicles of Riddick, Vin Diesel, Keith David.

The Downward spiral(deluxe edition), Nine inch Nails.

Katamari Damacy, Namco.


mdame


i'm always falling down the same hill
bamboo puncturing this skin
and nothing comes bleeding out of me
just like a waterfall i'm drowning in
two feet below the surface
i can still make out your wavy face
and if i could just reach you
maybe i could leave this place

yay. the start of the holidays. mom's at the civic center, and me and gma are here waiting for the leftover scraps of the thanksgiving dinner uptown. i go to work at four, and won't be off till midnight. sure as shit, this will be the same pattern for xmas this year. boy i sure am pumped. thanksfornothinggiving, my b-day, xmas, and new years. all in the span of about a month. after a good run of spending time with a functional family during these holidays, i've been replaced. hooray.

so much to look forward to.

mdame



Staring at the sun
no rays down on me

you want an update?

I want a lot of things.

here's an update. My life still Fucking sucks, there is no magical guy up in the clouds watching over you, and Santa Claus says you're all going to hell for christmas becuase he hates you.

now that you all have been dutifully informed, I'm going out and getting smashed. if luck is on my side, i'll crash and/or black out and die.

P.S. Fuck You, New Guy, whoever the fuck you are.

thanks for reading.

mdame


You got a problem?
I got a problem solver
And his name is revolver

so... the anniversary update... what if... just what if... i lied and said there is none? i would most likely be hanged in public for building it up so much, wouldn't i?

alright... lemme fix myself a drink and i'll get to the meat of the matter.

i've waited for this becuase i have a feeling it's going to upset some of you. and well, since my feelings have not been spared, i would think it improper for me to spare anyone else's feelings.

it has been one year since i thre this website up and proudly proclaimed that i was engaged, and that my life, for the first time, was on the right track. I was arrogant, thoughtless, and in a state of euphoria, having thought that the trying times of my life were finally over. for once, i was seeing the light at the end of my tunnel. I was in a stable relationship, and i was about to graduate from John A. two major steps in the right direction.

oh, how things have changed for the worse.

let's not pretend i'm the victim here. I've had plenty of chances to turn things around, at at every turn, i have punched said chance in the face and spit on it.

so now, i am left with dealing with the after effects of said changes. let me tell you, if you didn't garner it from another persons blog, how that's all going:

1. I'm sorry for the things i did.

2. school is an experiment in failure for me.

3.i spend my time hiding in a bottle.

4. Mike, stop being such a drama queen.

let me address those individually for you, giving you my impressions of them.

1. I am truly sorry for the things i did, but as i have had it said to me, it no longer matters. had i been an intelligent person, i would not have made the choices i did. but, obviously, i am not a smart person, and i am not sorry enough appearantly, otherwise i would not have done the things i've done. i think that's bullshit, considering the circumstances, but this is how i am percieved.

2. what the fuck does this eveen matter? school was a means to an end. yeah, it's important and i'd kick the ass of anyone who dropped out, but for me, it's not as important anymore. I've missed three striaght weeks of school. I KNOW i should care, but you don't know. you don't know the shame i feel everytime i see someone who is a friend and how that friend stood up for me when everyone else didn't and how i dissapointed her. I never catch her looking at me when we are within feet of each other, and i know that i have become that much beneath her notice for the things i've done.

3. yes i do. and why the fuck do you care? You should be THANKFUL that i do. Someone has to be the example. someone has to be the scapegoat. Might as well be me, right? at least with me being the prime example as to how to fuck up your life, i'm not ruining anyone elses lives(i.e. kids that i could have had by now, and should have according to local statistics,but don't becuase i'm fucking smart enough to know better).

4. please please PLEASE.... eat my dick. You can go on and live your kince, wonderful life where everything out in the end and the world is all sing song and yadda yadda yadda. i don't expect you be be able to relate to me or to think that my woes are believable, becuase YOU ARE NOT ME.

i would liek to repeat that.

YOU ARE NOT ME.

you haven't lived the life i have. tyou haven't experienced the life i have, and you have NO FUCKING CLUE as to what i hold dear. you could be my best fucking friend and you'd still HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE as to what i hold dear.

I learned long ago that trusting my inner self to people leaves me open for an attack of opportunity when the time is right, and have since evolved from that, all except for one facet of my life.

the Significant other. the girlfriend. that what have you.

she knew my darkest secrets, and i felt no shame in telling her. in fact, telling her was a way for me to begin to break the ice to my friends on other secrets that i held close to myself.


now, it is gone. and i am told(appearantly, by the majority, according to some) that i should just cut my losses and move on. Do you know what is it like, to have been someone people envied? to have been so far up on the hill, and thento tumble down? do you know the badge of shame i wear? do you know what it is like to stand on the other side all by yourself?

YOu have no idea. NONE. I have brought shame and disgrace to my name, and all who associate with me. you think i just did what i did and have no regrets about it and You are WRONG. DEAD FUCKING WRONG. the worst part? i'll never be forgiven for it. i'll never have my day of atonement. And i'll never get to live up to what i could have been.

and i'm told with cute little kisses that i should just accept and move on.


let me ask you a question, readers who know something about me.

If you had to suffer for the rest of your life in order to not let something that would be happen, would you? wouldn't you play Christ if i meant that someone else would not be hurt?

I'm trying to.

I know what lurks in me. you don't. I hold myself to this pain of loss because i know the consenquences of letting go of it. I know what i will turn into if i let go of that which made me a decent human being(albeit, with some serious flaws that were in need of fixing).

well you know what? I'm tired of trying. i'm just about tired of hearing how i should move on and how it would be that much better for me. far be it from me to fight the status quo, right? appearantly i know shit about relationships, and i should give up my principles and beliefs about Love. you know how many times i've said that word in my life to someone? you can count them on two hands.



so here ya go. I'm going to let go. After this, the only people i'm going to talk to about this matter is me and her. so obvoisly, i won't be talkign much about it anymore. so you all win. here is Me being the Prime example of what NOT to me. and here is met letting go, like you all fucking wanted so goddamned much. and After the first of the new year, you can start asking yourself if the cure was worse than the disease.


why do i say that?

because i can gaurantee you this, you won't like the mike i've kept under lock and key.

you think you've seen self-destruction?

you haven't seen shit yet.



mdame


You never gave me a chance to be me
Or even a fucking chance just to be
But I have to show you that you played a role
and I will destroy you with one simple hole
The world that hates me has taken its toll
but now I have finally taken control
You wanted so bad to make me this thing
and I want you now to just kill the king

what to write... what to write. Brandon's doing good in delaware, Called me tonight to confirm that he isn't living with a bunch of hippies in the Pacific Northwest. Jason's in his new house, and i don't know about anyone else. I seem to be a social leper these days. Suits me just fucking fine.

School? huh? what's school? hahaha you're funny. why yes virginia, i am up this early so i can go to school. I'm also a millionaire who lives a low-profile life, you know. and i have horns on my penis.

anyways, i just thought i'd update. you're prolly tired of seeing how awesome my weekend was, and it really dosen't apply anymore since i'm back here in this shithole of a town and falling back into the same shitty grind that has been driving my absolutely fucking insane for most of this year.

anniversary update in three days. I'll probabaly be drunker than shit too when i post it. word of warning for those who like to see "happy" stuff: Just stop coming here, already. there's more than enough "Happy" in the "guilty parties" Section.

mdame


Go back to sleep
Go back to sleep
(Counting bodies like sheep to the rhythm of the war drums)

well... i'd rather not get too into my weekend. but i'll give you a couple of things to chew on:

1. smashed for three out of four days
2. Drunken phone calls to and from me
3. hot chicks ALL OVER THE HOUE
4. catching up on old times with great friends
5. best 4 day weekend i've had in a long time.

I seriously considered never coming back home. and i about damn near cried when it finally came time to leave.

anyways, enough about that. becuase i love you all so much, i wanted to share a nice little movie with you.

mdame

we live in a wheel
where everyone steals
but when we rise it's like strawberry fields

At an internet party here in kirkwood. having lots of fun. Sorry i'm missing everyone at home, but you guys more than anything know that i needed this.

worry not, i am fine and in one piece. and i still have something to say which will be saved for the anniversary update.

anyways, hope everyone's well and i'll tell you more about it if i make it home monday.


cheers,

mdame



I'll tell you my name
F U and C K

i do have something to say... but i'm going to sit on it for a bit longer. it may not be this week, it may not be next week. hell, i just may save it for the 1 year anniversary of this oh-so-"precious" journal. but i promise you this: I'm going to say something.

I'm just updating now only becuase i want you to know that i've got things in my head.

that, and between Video Game releases this week, movie releases this week, book releases this month, and my growing affinity to bitTorrent, my free time has checked out. but i'll tell you this... i think i got one of the coolest lists i've had in a long time, that is, if by "cool", You mean "Massive Dork Who has no life".


Read/Watch/Listen/Play

The two Swords, R.A. Salvatore.

Dawn of the Dead, Ving Rhames, Sarah Polley.

Rid of Me, pj Harvey.

Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, Rockstar Games.


something soon,

mdame



I'm a perfectionist
And perfect is a skinned knee

I have nothing to write about. but i'm sure you all are sick of seeing the last update so there's one for you: a bunch of Words found in spam emails. It will most liekly be more entertaining than listening to me drone on about how much my life sucks and why it does.

castor butene bipolar amphibious bahrein afghanistan adipic backstitch
bug applicable aerobacter annal alai brisk avocation blatz antiphonal
bindweed azalea bug blemish alluvium burl asocial augment assay binuclear bootleg betoken blouse ablate arouse ceylon
caracas breathe becker carven charybdis angelfish alkaline burton bundle
balk aura baseball alveoli assam brusque, burl.
buick-accretion bessel card backscatter blanket.

abner bladderwort carbonaceous catalysis canyon
allentown bavaria bloke.

butyl bellyache acquittal arcturus afterlife behest autism aura
anonymity although basalt battalion charity abundant basso adonis boomerang
barrier cellular avenge, airstrip application burbank.
ashy burl attract.



alphanumeric,
burette cabinet


that's about it. im gonna go watch garfield.

mdame



There is a hate that burns within

I Failed the lab practical... didn't do so hot on the lecture test either. been home all day becuase i have no gas and i'm twelve bucks in the red on my checking. so, not only have i missed the classes i usually go to(haven't been to a chem class in three weeks), but i missed the first day of class for my eight week course.

you know what, though? Fuck it... None if it matters. I feel like a goddamn idiot in class. Maybe i can't do Zoology either. Maybe i really didn't deserve this second shot at SIU. Maybe my life isn't worth as much as i once thought. I should be motivated to go to class, but i'm not. I'm doing miserably in school and i don't really give a damn anymore. I have nothing to prove anymore, so why keep it up? I'm like a ghost there anyway. I've talked to one person(who i didn't already know) since the beginnning of classes, and i made damn sure to piss them off so they wouldn't talk to me again.

everything, in a word, sucks, But i can only point the finger at myself and accept this life as punishment for the things i've done. I can't talk to anyone about this, becuase all i hear is the same thing over and over.."it's not the end of the world", "things will get better", and "stop being a drama queen about it". Hey, i'm glad your life worked out in whatever way so you can say that, but it didn't for me. i don't need or want absolution. I failed, and i will make sure that i pay the price.


mdame


A forty-four full of bullets
Face full of pale
Eyes full of empty
A stare full of nails

Bonepony Rocked.

others will tell the story of various events, i am sure... or i shall tell it later on in the week.

as for right now, i have a lab practical i have to prepare to fail.

Goddamn i love school.


mdame



T.V. got your Brain

hey there... reporting live from slowbeks' house, itza me.

Just got off work, waiting for the rest of the peoples who are doing this trip to show up. Went and partied at Salmo's last night, as everyone's favorite army boy came home for the weekend. sadly, neither him nor jsent will be joining us for the bonepony tonight.

Anyways, just wanted to post something. it looks to be shaping up for a good weekend of nothing but drinking. And you know what? there's not a damn thing wrong with that in my book.

mdame


I will survive in my Mach 5

Blah.


pulled posts? suspended accounts? Drunk and beligerant on the weekends? is he going to Bonepony or not? skipping classes?

What the fuck is going on? Some of you are saying..

A lot, kids. a lot, as always.

but hey... this thing's up, so now i can start again with the empty sounds of self-hate for those of you that still come around. and maybe a few other off-beat things thrown in.

to answer a few questions from the mail(and one asked by someone in person):

What was with the pulled post?

it was something that shouldn't have been written here in the first place. it's gone, and no, you can't see it.

What about the "User Suspended" thing?

The Owners of newbloodstudio.com(whom i could never thank enough for giving me this space au gratis) Had to get things sorted out with the hosting company. As they have lives like the rest of us, this took some time, and was made even longer no thanks to the asshats that changed the pricing policy without notifying them. And no, The Pulled post and the user suspended were not related in any way.

Bonepony in Nashville; are you going?

Yes.


As for anything else.... Fuck it. I can honestly say i don't care. fuck school, fuck work, fuck love, fuck life, fuck money, fuck beauty, fuck happiness, Fuck the world.

Cheers,

mdame




I wasn't born with enough middle fingers

i don't like to get really personal about what has happened in recent months in public, but i feel that this is the only way that i will reach certain people that i feel are in need of seeing this. For the Rest of you, it should give an insight as to why i have had such wild mood swings lately. I want it to be known that there is no forgiveness asked for and none expected.

I am a horrible person, and what i did was wrong. Doing what i did Last month is nothing i can ever take back. the part of me that should have said "don't do this" was buried underneath a Wall of Apathy and whiskey. This does not excuse this. If i were a better person, i would have never allowed such a thing to happen. the fact remains that it did happen, and it confirmed your beliefs in who i really was.

Let me tell you something. I have a history of doing the wrong thing. Even before, I was your cookie-cutter screwup. I had been hurt once before by a girl, and i never wanted to go back to that ever again. I didn't want to say the words ever again in my life. So, I went on a emotional rampage, hurting even more people in the process without a care in the world. and why should i have? i was never going to get married. there was no love for me to find. Life was all about getting what's mine. Love is a chemical reaction and euphoric state that, thankfully, i didn't have.

then i met her, and all that i thought i knew became wrong.

She reached into me and pulled out something i didn't think i had-Love. I didn't have to pretend to be this big, walking fake that liked talking about inane subjects and giving false compliments about some small detail that a monkey could do. I got to have intelligent conversations, with a truly beautiful woman. And i remember saying to myself(and to her, later) one night "i'd really like to have kids with her." and in the next instant, i remember hearing another part of me going "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

I was falling in love. that thing i had sworn did not exist for me, was happening. but... but this was different. there's something wrong here. This woman is WAY different than the last girl, and this Love feels different, too. I don't feel expected to love her, I just Do. She's not trying to control me or my life.

And then She said it to me, on a June night. Words i hadn't heard in nearly five years. Words i thought i'd never hear again.

Things were not without thier hangups, of course. There was the long distance, which got to us both. Also, With us being so Different ideologically, arguements were bound to happen. Both of us are stubborn, but i chalked it up to us having different backgrounds on certain things.

Somewhere, i also got comfortable. I was looking at the big picture and forgetting the small things that mattered. It never occured to me that it might be a good idea to bend a little on those ideals that i held oh so dear. I wasn't going to burst into flame if i walked into church, but you would have thought so as much as i said "No, I'm not going to church." Being jobless for four months was also me being stubborn. My pride was hurt and i didn't want to start at the bottom rung somewhere. I had thought it meant that i would have all this time to spend with her, which it did, but it also meant not having money, and her having to pay for me for the most basic of things. i was too hard-headed to admit that yes, it did eat me up inside. i had a point to prove, damnit.

it wasn't until she gave the ring back to me that My ideals are not going to work anymore. A part of me was holding onto my past, telling me that in order to show my love for her, I must be physcially imtimate, as there is no closer one can get.

I found out how wrong i was.

the late night calls stopped(I should have tried to call her more). No more hearing her warm voice when she did call. no more Weekends with her. No more holding her hand. No more having an intelligent conversation. No more being absolutely silly to hear her laugh. No more hearing her say "i love you so much". No more daydreaming of Waking up next to her every morning for the rest of my life. No future where we argued over what the kids names were going to be(My names were never serious, By the way). All this time, i had been walking on cloud nine and i didn't even realize it becuase i took it for granted.

My fall from Grace came swift and hard. I kept looking for the silver lining, the hope that things can be fixed. i kept hearing otherwise. i began to believe it.

and then, I commited the gravest offense.

when i woke up the next day, my head was ringing from what i had done. i felt so wrong and out of place. but, i made my bed, i'll lie in it. i have nothing left to look forward to, anyway. She's given up on me.

I found out otherwise. That hope i had been looking for, that silver lining, had finally appeared, all i had to do was grasp for it.

and here is where my heart sank.

She's telling me this, all this wonderful news, all that i had been praying for for the last several months...

and i had sex with someone close to her.

I told her what i had done, thinking it to be the right thing to do. it dosen't excuse it at all, but maybe, just maybe, if i tell her before anyone else, it will make a difference. I'll still be set back even further, but maybe...

no. There is no excusing what i did. None. all i had done was hurt her yet again, right when she was at her most vulnerable.

there is nothing i can ever do to make up for this. ever. it has been made very clear to me that what i did can never be forgiven. i should have never even gone there to begin with, out of respect for her. Had i been thinking clearly that night, it would have never happened. becuase i was weak one night, I have thrown away that future i wanted so bad. Those who once stood by me during the first few months have since fled. nobody stands on my side now.

I should just suck it up. Any real man would do so and move on.

I'm not a real man, by any means. I can't go on after this. I want her back, and she's not coming back. There is no moving on for me. if it had been anything else other than my fault, i could take my loss and start over again. I could let the scar heal, and learn from my mistakes.

But i can't. My Misery is justified by the pain i have caused. And i assure you, words cannot describe it. Knowing what i have done, and having to live with it till the bitter end is Tearing me apart.

I want you to know that my pain is real, that i know what i have done wrong, and nothing can ever make up for it. and no one's on my side on this one. Unless a Miracle of Biblical Proportions happens, I am Right back where i started before meeting terez: emotionally empty.

the thing that has changed, is that i now know that it could have been mine. god, I've give anything to have that back. Anything.

do you understand why i'm so morose now? Do you see why everything i do from this moment on is worthless? Can you understand why i will not let go? My pain and suffering is all i have left. It may not make a difference, but i'll spend the rest of my life being sorry for what i've done. not a day will go by where i don't think about what i have done, and hopefully, when i die, there will be more torment for me, becuase i absolutely deserve it.

i should have spent this time studying, but this was more important. You deserve to know that i do feel worthless for what i've done. I am a broken shell of a man who will never be.



Mike

School. Video games. and Then Resident Evil: Apocalypse.

One Word on the movie: R0X0RS.

and another for the video game... I fucking hate you, gohma.

alright, so... wanna hear something interesting? I was supposed to have a date today(monday, incase anyone's confused, since it is late). lemme tell you how that came about.

Saturday night i'm working at the LB, and this truck pulls through the drive thru. a dude and two chicks. I card and Serve, and then i get the strangest question:

"hey, Are you single?"

"yeah. Who's asking?"

"well.. there's a girl in here that's single..." and he points to the girl in the far side of the cab, a distance at which i basically can not make out very well, as i think she was hiding.

"if i gave you her number, would you call?"

I shrug. "sure. Why not? Wait, I got a better idea. How about I give you my number, and then she can call if she's really interested."

"that sounds good too."

So i pass out the digits, and amazingly, we end up playing phone tag for a couple of days, before we finally get to talk sunday night.

we get something set up for monday after i get out of class.

Monday comes, and i get out of class. I give her a call, get the voicemail, Leave a message.

about five minutes later, i get a call back: "hey, i meant to call you back to tell you that i won't be able to meet you today...sorry."

i got blown off, essentially.

tell me again why I shouldn't just stay stuck in pining mode? oohhhh right... the "you gotta sift through the chaff" ploy. yeah, sorry, i don't buy that. Far as i'm concerned, i already did that the last ten years of my life.

thanks for playing, though.


mdame

Just stare
Relive the nightmare

i'm so stuck as to what to write right now. But the title says it all. I'm getting nowhere. At the end of the day, i feel like i've accomplished nothing. I'm not a step closer to anything, and the goal just keeps getting futher out of sight. i keep running, but i have no idea if i'll ever get there.

I feel so much apathy for what goes on anymore. I'm sliding through my classes, trying to be as much of a ghost as i can, just so i can go home or go to work and hope for some kind of diversion so i don't sit here and think about how much i have fucked up what was my life. And i know that i have come so far in some areas, but i can still feel that part of me that says destroy it all becuase that the only thing i am ultimately good at. i had thoguht that maybe i'd be able to keep it in control, but i feel that slipping through my fingers, like so much else that has already. But there's nothing i can do about it it seems.

So all i can do these days is hope.
But the Hope is slowly killing me.


mdame


Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough

first and foremost... here for Today's Header.

here's a hell of an article that highlights the great things about living in Southern Illinois. i'm so happy it didn't make it on any national news or anything...


Anywho, not much to tell really. But i did see a pretty cool quote in the chem lab that i think kinda hits the nail on the head concerning the pending tuition hikes...

"Trust me, I know what's best.
I need A seven thousand Dollar Desk." -Wendler

I'm probably bastardizing it, but you see, i have to get into and out of class Quickly at Neckers, For us Life Science and Physical Science Kids get along like Bloods and Crips. I'm sure you all will understand.

anywho, short update. sorry, but i hope this makes up for it. Gonna head to work soon and then Yet another Weekend of drinking. Woohoo!

I humped your beer,

mdame

I got nobody on my side
And surely that ain't right

the Party didn't go as expected, but still had a fun time regardless.

hoping for a C on my Chem Test. shoulda studied more. oh well.

What else to write about?

not much. month's half over. it's just like mast month, and the month before, and so on. pretty soon the year will be up before we all know it. whoopee.

blah. time for work soon. let the mind-numb commence. better to be numb than to think. thinking still hurts.


mdame


Watching the majest blow past
Speculating which will be the last
Savoring my piece of pie

Blah. The mustang does not like country. I've been cycling between AM 1060 for my morning show fix and 107.3 in the afternoon driving home from school or work. This has been a habit for the last several months. and the car is seriously pissed.

First.... she tried veering me into oncoming traffic, ALL THE TIME.

Then the trunk just wouldn't stay shut. if it did, it came unlatched the minute you went around a sharp corner.

Then she started drinking water like a human. needs it daily, it seems.

I think the car can read minds, too. Becuase on my way to school, i was seriously hashing out a way i can get a truck... On the way back from School, I had a blowout on Yellowbanks road.

So somehow, i am getting rid of her. She has been a wonderful buddy, and has been my girl on many long hauls here and there...

But this has got to stop.

The bitch is actively trying to kill me.

Anywho... Bonepony sounds good, but i have other days marked off at both places already. So most likely a no go for me.

TUES: Field trip/work/Party
WED: Chem test/work/sleep
THURS: School/Work/I.C. or Metroid Prime
FRI: School/Work/Drinking with scott w/o the appendage. Seriously. call if you want details.

read/Watch/Listen/Play

Black Dawn, D.A. Stern

The Punisher, Thomas Jane, John Travolta.

The Crow: City of Angels, Various Artists.

Metroid Prime, Retro Studios.

mdame


I wish I could lose control
I wish I could let go
I wish I could break this mould
Inside I'm so fucking cold

Was going to try to see Resident Evil 2 tonight, but i think i'm just going to head down to carbondale. a change of venue is desperately needed. i haven't been to a carbondale bar in ages, and i'm dying to see if i can get drunk enough to be thrown out.

but, considering i've already changed my plans once already tonight, i may just change them again. But anything's gotta be better than sitting at home on the goddamned Net on a friday night.

mdame




well okay, enough.
you've had your fun
but come on there has got to be someone
hasn't yet become so numb and succumb and
god damn i am so tired of pretending
wishing i was ending
when all i'm really doing is trying to hide
and keep it inside
fill it with lies
open my eyes?
maybe i wish i could try

According to today's DE, there are 21,589 students enrolled at SIU.

generally, there is a 60/40 split in the gender ratio, usually a pretty good thing, right? follow me here for a minute, class.

60 percent of 21,589 is 12,953.4. We'll round down. so there are approx. 12,953 females at SIUC.

of that number, we'll say half is in a relationship. that leaves us with 6,477.

Let's cut away a third of that number due to cultural differences. we now have 4,318.

Now, with a WAG of about half of that number, we'll cut them out becuase they aren't "looking for anything Serious"... 2,159

Another 30 percent are looking for someone who is already established(i.e. Makin money)...1,511

we'll say that another 30 percent of that number is already a mother(sorry, i'm not ready to be a dad...) 1,058

and another 30 percent of that is married...741

20 percent of that are total whackjobs...593

of those 593, there's probably about 40 percent that would not like me based upon either physcial features(I'm fat, So Fuck you) or for my winning personality...237.

of that... let's be generous and say 20 percent bat for the wrong team(it's college, time to try new things)...leaving us with 189.

now, doing a little stratification, we'll spread that evenly among each age(18-25)...about 24 women per year of age.

I don't want to date anyone under 21, so there's another 72 gone...down to 117.

with the subtraction of twenty percent of that pool due to knowing me either directly or via friends(you know how the network goes...) we are left with 93 available women.

of that(i swear to god this is the last one), we'll say about 60 percent of them i would never date for my own reasons...

leaving a grand total of 40 women, out of a pool of 12,593. that's 0.30880877016907277 percent, class.

Is my glass half-full? Sure, it's half-full of "fuck you"-aid. not even the good stuff. it's the cheap brand, and it's black cherry flavored.

and i fucking hate black cherry.

mdame


It's a beautiful world
Oh what a beautiful world
For you

Have you ever wondered what it's like to be in a fair on the final closing hours on the last day? Me and brandocrap went monday to burn up those two free ride passes that i got from work.

very Surreal.

It's Watching Hope either cash in it's success for the season or finally give up after a lackluster week. it's that last chance of a summer fling flitter away in the dusk. It's the smell of spilled beer and camaradrie amongst the carnie operators. It's teenagers Enjoying one last day out and about, full well knowing that school it starting and a chance like this to socialize isn't going to come around again for a while. it's hope slipping out of your fingers as you frantically grasp to keep what little you got.



Do i have it in me to throw the switch? Can i tear myself apart one last time and get it right? Do i have the strength to climb over the bodies on my way?

I don't really know anymore.

mdame


Now my big, hollow sun is burnin’ out of control
And love is rainin’ down on my lamplight
If want is luxury and need is revenge
The need was burnin’ holes in me last night

"hey, Wanna Join (insert name of frat here)?"

"Do I look like I want to join something that Drips of Homosexuality? No thanks. get some freshman to be your flunky."

"jeez, someone needs laid..." he snickers As i'm walking away...

i turn around...

"Well, At least when i DO get laid, I won't need Date Rape Drugs or have my buddies waiting in line."

I love college. i'm making so many friends with my winning personality, it's not funny.

Anyways, not much to say. I realy did mean to update before now, but you see, my intarweb was shut down for a while as i was a bit late in paying the bills. but all is well now folks, and you thre readers probably need something to read for five seconds.


anywho, it's friday night, and i'm bored. I'm gonna find something to do and hope to god i don't end up in a field again.

hasta la something,

mdame

Ignite Ignite Ignite Ignite Ignite Ignite Ignite Ignite Ignite

Read and Laugh, if you've got the time. Starring everyone's favorite Zany Dictator!

School is interesting. Chem isn't too bad so far. Walking from Neckers to Life Science kinda sucks, but at least i can smoke a cigarette on the way.

Got metroid Zero Mission(finally) to help pass time between classes on campus, and i'm already stuck. My gamer Skillz are beginning to tarnish, methinks. i remember when i wasted a whole summer of my youth just beating the shit out of this game over and over, and now nintendo had to go and change shit up and totally screw with my program. Damn you, Nintendo.

for the curious:

it's tarantula mating season in Colorado Springs.


I May or may not get one of these. I need all the bonuses i can get. I'd rather get one of these and use the line from this one that became today's Subject line.

not much, but enough for now. My ass is tired from the day of school and A hard day of slacking off With Front Mission 4.

Ph3@r teh C43\/\/z0r.

mdame

The coldest of the cool, the lamest of the lame
The dumbest of the dumb, I hate to see you here
A joke behind the smile, a fake behind the fear
The queerest of the queer

For those who were not there friday night:

After everybody left the S, i was the only one there. after having a few more than i should, i walked out of the bar around midnight-ish and started walking.

i was not seen again until saturday afternoon, around one o clock.

appearantly, i thought walking the rainroad tracks would be a good idea, and somehow ended up sleeping in a field nearby the grade school. I had lost my pack of cigarettes, and i was very suprised that A) i did not get a sunburn, and B) that i did not lose my wallet.

i seemed to had something on my mind, but i'll be damned if i remember what it was. and i'll be damned that i slept so long, as those in the area know that it was muggy as hell friday night, and that i don't sleep well without a fan of some sort.

worked tonight, and got an invite to go to pretenders with a benton area girl. ended up declining, and heading to the S with brandon, where i quite possibly scarred him for life beyond all reasoning. ended up closing out T street(i'm going there WAY more than i like to these days), and now here i am, in my boxers typing out this update. you're welcome for the visual.

anywho, i'm probably going to bed here in a few. I got to get up in the morning and do the hamster cycle for the week all over: Work, School, Sleep, Work, school, sleep...

mdame



Stack dead actors
Stacked to the rafters
Line up all the bastards
All I want is the truth

I'm late, and after dealing with not one, but TWO "woody Shuffles" in one day, i am now registered, enrolled, and starting classes tomorrow. I don't have any books, the teachers will probably hate me for joining so late, i've already lost my new student ID card, and not only do i not remember what buildings these classes are in, but i can barely remember wht classes i signed up for. there's a chem class, some Zoo classes, and a Library Usage class.

but that's neither here nor there.

anywho, i'm gonna try and go back to a more daily updating like i once did. So if you haven't been scared off by my sporadic whiny self-depreciating updates, i hope to see you around. I can't completely promise it, as i'm still going to work two jobs as long as i can as well as go to school. this is most likely a formula for disaster, but fear not: I won't be faked out by the allure of money so much that i'll give up school twice.


Confidential to Terez: For a Beer, I'll slap that Card in. Bring it over friday.

Confidential to Slowbek: you're a Drive-up Nazi.

Confidential To Eraser: Please don't piss in my shoe. Don't eat it, either. and Stop rubbing your white hairs on my shirts. thanks.


Read/Watch/listen/Play

In the shadow of the Gargoyle, Neil Gaiman, Brian Lumley, and Various Authors.

Moontrap, Walter Koenig, Bruce Campbell.

Good News for people who Love Bad news,Modest Mouse.

Front Mission 4, Square Enix.

mdame


I know that starting over is not what life's all about.
But my thoughts were so loud, I couldn't hear my mouth.

Dear Mr Dame:

your appeal for special consideration for financial aid eligibility under the Satisfactory Progress policy for undergraduate Students at SIUC has been reviewed by the financial aid office.


Your SIUC transcript, letter of appeal, and any supporting documentation submitted have been evaluated for evidence of progress towards a degree. Your FAILURE to meet the minimum requirements of the satisfactory Progress Policy has been judged to be the result of mitigating circumstances.


Your appeal has been APPROVED beginning summer semester 2004 to give you the opportunity to improve your progress by the end of Spring 2005 to comply with the SIUC satisfactory Progress policy.


it's comeback time.

mdame


it won't give up
it wants me dead
goddamn this noise inside my head

I want my old life back, And I'm going to make things right again at all costs.



mdame

Can’t stop to save my soul

you know, if you think about it, i'm just so many words on a screen. easily dismissed if i say something that nobody likes, and quickly forgotten. I could be anyone, anywhere. I'm just one of Six billion. nothing. Meaningless in the whole order of things. i can be dismissed with a formal greeting if i were to reach out too far. you can log off at night, and just pretend i don't exist if i get too close. I can ask you questions, and they can go ignored, left decaying in the storm that is desolation. i couldn't blame anyone for that. I do it myself. You think i wouldn't, considering the pain it causes me, but it seems it's the only way i can find some sort of solace that dosen't involve living in the past.

I'm just someone who wanted to right the wrongs i did to you.

And all i do is keep driving you further away.


And everything I've hoped to be
Or ever thought I was
Died with your belief in me
So who the hell am I?

“He who fights with monsters should take care lest he thereby become a monster. For if you gaze long enough into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.”


-Neitzsche

i like that quote.

"the back will snap from burdens of envy
And I'll forget the mould who set me
I'll love it, and shove it from proof to trial
Because I carry the weight of denial"

-Ruby

I like those lyrics too.

I passed my classes, And I have my Degree. SIU is screwing around with me though. I may or May not be going this fall. If i don't get my financial aid, i can't go this semester. i have an appeal in, so we'll see how that goes.

either way, i'm preparing. I took on a second job back At the Barrell. between that, Working at what is now called Silver Screens, and doing some odd jobs for my old boss pooh, I'm not doing much else. Keeping busy right now is good. It gives me less time to think about things.

I'm seeing someone at the moment. Pardon me if i don't sound too excited about it, but i have a rather dim view of things pertaining to relationships these days, for obvious reasons. things are okay when i'm hanging with her, but when i'm not, i have time to think. I struggle daily with the thought of just ending it, just to spare her and me the inevitable end. My mind says "Let it ride and see where this goes. Nothing ventured, nothing Gained, Right?", and my heart says "There's only room for one in here, pal. You still haven't let her go, and you're never going to give someone a fair shake." So i just stay in this limbo. but since i'm keeping my nose to the grindstone, i don't have to think about it.

Ahh... good ol' Busch. You help me dull my senses in times like these, make me think less about things, or make me numb to them. when i don't have my nose in the books, or splitting time between two jobs, i can use you. and when you get me drunk, i can stumble off into my bed, and sleep knowing any dreams about the things i don't want to think about will not be remembered.

then i can wake up, wash, rise, repeat.

and since i'm now drunk... here is an excerpt from my offline journal becsause, well why the fuck not?

sometimes, at night when i am on the border of consciousness and sleep, i can stil hear her rhythmic breathing when she was asleep. And for a moment, i know a sense of true peace. The kind where everything's alright and it was all a bad dream that i just woke up from and i'm falling back asleep. and My hand slips over to her side of the bed only to feel a cold pillow. True peace for me is gone. The only Peace i know is the dead calm that results after tearing myself apart emotionally. Self-destruction: it's not just a catchy term, It's a way of Absolving myself.

mdame
smashed up my sanity
smashed up integrity
smashed up what i believed in
smashed up what's left of me
smashed up my everything
smashed up all that was true
gonna smash myself to pieces
i don't know what else to do

holy fuck. some cool as hell things going on

Doom 3 is out.

Romero's Fourth Ded Movie has been Greenlighted.

Resident Evil Apocalypse is out in little more than a month.

metriod 2 in November.

AVP in a week.

Nine inch nails: closure on DVD this fall.

well... that's about all i can think of. and don't worry: for those who come to have expect the usual morose writings, check back tomorrow, as i will either be

A. Drunk, having celebrated the hollow victory that is passing my stats class, and offically earning a meaningless milestone(i.e. My A. S.).

or

B. Stoned out On Dirty Heroin after having unprotected sex with a HIV positive hooker, having finally been proven that my existance for the last 25 years has been for naught.

either way, i will post.

Stay tuned.

mdame

numb all through
I can still feel you

happy news first:

The wedding went off without a hitch. good times were had. jason and brooke are on thier way to hawaii. i looked like a silverback ape in the tuxedo.

summer class finals this week. hope to hear from SIU soon so i can actually go get registered for class and feel a bit non-directional.

other than that...

it's a new month. more of the same to ensue. not even worth writing about anymore. dosen't make a difference, and it never did.

it's such a long fall from the top.



Read/Watch/Listen/Play

Lathe of Heaven, Ursula K LeGuin

Hellboy, Ron Perlman, Salma Blair

Short Staffed at the Gene Pool, Ruby

Front Mission 3, Squaresoft


mdame


And I'm still running around in here
I'm still looking for me

I was a soldier
I am corruption
I am the agent
Of your destruction
I am perversion
Sick with desire
I was the future
Swallowed up in fire

the bright and shiny veneer is failing. The Center will not hold any longer. The pain cannot hide behind a false smile anymore. It was a honorable fight, but one that was ultimately in vain. everyone in the end will leave, For you are far too broken. you have nothing else to cling onto, boy.

it's time to come back to me.

you can't start it over. no one has any reason to give you a chance anymore. all that did you fucked and burned. You couldn't even control yourself when you were happy and not fucking everything up with your pissy ass sunshine emotions. I still came through. you didn't think you could keep me out forever, did you?

I'm the only chance you got.

I was there before her, and you tried to smother me with all you had. you Choked me, Beat me, and then Locked and Leashed me when you figured out i wasn't going to die. I'd never tell you, but you almost had me. What if i did give up on you? who would you have turned to then, You Goddamn Trainwreck? Who listened to you in the middle of the night when you Cried? Who really offered to pull you up? Who can take all of this away?

Me. Only Me. And you know it, you fucking failure.

Oh? You going to cry now? Do you STILL miss her? Get over it you fucking retard. She's Done and moved on. You're FORGOTTEN. Remember what that's like? oh yes you do you fucking liar. Just like all the other times that were and that will be if you keep up with this bullshit. I'm all you got now if you plan on to continue living. I can feel your heart beating faster. You don't want to read this. well guess what? I'm going nowhere, and i'm going to keep saying this until you get rid of that stupid fucking idea that you can be something anymore.

You know who is right, and it isn't you anymore. i can feel that thing inside you about to explode that will let me out.

You know you want me. or else you wouldn't be writing this.

You want me out Becuase I'll make you better. I'll make sure no one ever hurts you again. you'll never be ugly ever again. You won't have to depend on chemicals or food to comfort you. You can feel Proud once more. Confident. Sexy. Smart. In control.

Go. Go look at yourself. see what i see right now. feel my shame. feel my hurt by knowing what you once were and what you can be, and you resist me. Where did Love ever get you? Did i ever Make you a casuality?

It's Time to come back to me, and you know it. No one likes you like this. They talk behind your back. Tell stories about the one who had it all and then fucked it up like a spoiled little brat who breaks his toy and expects another. they cross thier hearts and pray at night they don't end up like the failure you are. Do you really Still want to be a Good example of what NOT to do?

you goddamned piece of shit. Stop resisting me. You have no faith, an empty future, and nothing left to lose because nobody loves you anymore.

I can make that all go away, and you might as well. becuase if you don't let me in, you'll continue to have nothing. At least with me, you can be something once again. It'll take time, but we can get you back to where you were before. but when you get there, boyo... You'll be a totally different example.

Now go to bed. Sleep. Dream of what you will be with me with you. dream of the possibilities.

They Talked for a long while. much to her distaste, he never went back to the subject of his name. After a dinner of Canned Beans and Spam, he creeped up the basement stairs, checking out a window for the undead prowlers. it was almost light. they were out there, mulling around aimlessly. occasionally a squabble broke out over which walking corpse got whichever stray animal they had happened upon.

back down the basement stairs, he shed the heavy denim jacket, then shed the heavy flannel shirt, letting them fall into a crumple on the concrete floor.

"we should get to sleep. Better to sleep durling daylight and move around the house at night." he turned away, looking towards the couch across from the stairway.

"what's that?" her eyes roamed over his bared flesh, spotting a odd wound on the back of his arm.

"got cut by a rioter. got me good. Took forever to find thread to stitch it up with."

"let me have a look at it." She rose towards him, as he moved to the couch.

"it's nothing. I took care of it Weeks ago."

"Why haven't you pulled the stiches out then? Let me see it..."

Reluctantly, he twisted and held out his right arm, showing a stich-job a Mortician would be embarrassed about.

"Good God! how long have these stiches been in there?"

"I dunno, About a month maybe."

"A Month?!?" she hissed. Didn't want to get too loud. She went over to fetch out a pair of scissors from the household aid kit and the propane lamp. "we gotta get those things out now. hold still." She twisted his arm out a bit more.

"it's still healing. It hurts every once in a while, when i brush against it wrong."

"the actual slice is done healing. this stichjob is most likely causing an infection from leaving the thread in too long. Ever seen what happens to a Splinter when you leave it in the skin?" the scissors began slicing through the thread. he bit his lip as the mere irritation of the stiches was causing him some discomfort.

"no. I usually yank them out the moment i get them." He saw in her eyes that was the wrong thing to say.

"then why didn't you yank these out sooner?"

"Most likely Becuase I've not had the time." he spoke through gnashed teeth, as a pair of tweezers began pulling the bloody and pussy threads out of his skin.

"we're gonna have to drain this. Sorry it hurts so, but you should have known better." her maternal instincts were grating on his nerves.

once the stiches were out, she pressed upon the wound, the threadholes ejecting more pus from the inflamed scar tissue. he nearly swung out when she dumped Peroxide on the area.

"there..." putting on the gauze. "all done. i'll feel better in no time."

"thanks, Doctor." he smirked dryly as he laid down. "I'm gonna grab some rest."

he slept well for most of the day, although it was a light sleep. the sound of her restful breathing made it's way into his dreams, Bringing him a sense of relaxation by just being around someone else who was actually alive.

just as her steady breathing made it's way into his sleep, so did a dull thumping sound... and a Hand Grasping hard at his shoulders...

...Smacking the Unwelcome Guest in the shoulder.

"shit. Bottle's throwing off my aim."

he took aim again, compensating for the interference that the makeshift silencer. this time, the bullet caught the scourge right where it counted, felling the beast.

He took twelve more shots, swapping out a clip as the bottle kept trowing off his aim. On the thirteenth shot, the Dead's attention was caught by the loud, barely muffled crack that the .22 put off.

the dead on the street were turning about, having been stimulated by the newsest stimuli that registered in thier rotting senses.

"time to move, if i'm going to do this."

He gathered his backpack, stuffed to the brim with all that he had garnered at his stay at the house, and slid down the bannister, hopping off just before hitting the knobbed end. grabbing a nine iron he found in one of the closets, he made way for the patio door in the kitchen, which at the moment was absent of any intruders.

Opening the door, he stepped out into the moonlit night, scanning the immedate area for any of the shambling figures. he saw one, off to his left in an adjacent yard, moving his way. He peeled to the right, and moved through the two houses and out into the street.

looking down the street as he crossed, he saw a swarm of more of them down the four-way, which meant far enough for now. But if he lingered much longer, they would catch his scent and fall upon him like vultures on a carcass. heeled boot met subburban pavement as he streaked across the street. heading to the house who's asses he just saved, taking only the slightest moments to vault the chain-link fence that had once kept fido in.

up the steps, and he was pounding on the door.

"let me in! I'm here to help!"

A feminine voice retorted. "Fuck off and go away!"

"goddamnit! I'm from across the street!"

"most likely robbing the houses, I'll bet!"


"I just popped the Zombies that were heading your way! Now Let me in, or i'll find a way in! We dont' have much time till more come!"

"around the Left side. there's a Window, With an A/C unit next to it."

he scampered off to the left, dodging another that had came up, giving it a good whack to the head. As the voice said, there was a Trane Right next to a window a bit too high off the gound for anyone on the ground to climb into. He heaved himself onto the A/C unit, and put a fist to the window.

"Let me in!"

the window slid open.. and he was met with a wide, longbarrelled gun.

"you with the gangs?"

"Jesus christ, No! I'm a runner from the city!"

"how do i know you're not lyin to me?"

He took off his Backpack, and slung it into to darkened window. "If i was lyin, I would have shot you by now. My gun's in there, As is everythign else i own."

The Barrel Moved away, but as he climbed in, He was halted by a hard poke from the darkness. "Hold on. I'll tell you when you can come in."

"Don't wait too long, or else we're gonna have company."

Moments passed by, and just as he thought, The Packs started to gather. Acting upon some kind of group recollection of where there was last food, the horde he saw down the street had moved down to where he had stood on the pavement. they hadn't yet figured out where he moved, but another half-minute would be all they need, especially if whoever the hells was inside this house took thier time.

"hurry up!" he hissed. "they're right here!"

A slender hand came through the moon-basked window, and not a moment too soon. He grabbed onto it, his calloused hand meeting hers, and hurled himself into the portal, and with an almost too loud shutting, the glass portal had been shut.

recovering himself from the sudden thrust, he looked about the room. there wasn't much too see, as it was dark.

"as it should have been," he thought to himself "if they wanted to stay out of sight."


An awkward silence followed, as both him and the female peeked out the window to see of any figures were meandering between the house they stood in and the next-door house.

"well, only one ot two saw you, and they aren't making enough of a ruckus to bring the rest of the pack here." The WOman stated. "Now, Mind telling me why you are here?"

He Stood there. Why did he come over? Companionship? Sympathy? Hatred for those damned things that roamed freely? why did he come over? he didn't know himself.

but he spoke matter-of-factly, anyways.

"i shot the ones you flashed over with your light. figured you needed help."

"I was trying to See if anyone at 906 was still there. Someone was there a few days ago." As she spoke, he tried to make out the figure before him. Not much to be told, as there was(thankfully) No light in here. But he could tell she was a lithe figure, almost boyish, were it not for the moonlit fleshy lumps he saw as he was reeled into the house. No Buxom blonde, but at least it wasn't some survivalist old man who predicted the end of the world or the overthrown of the government.

Not that the government existed anymore to the common man anymore, anyways.

The tanktopped woman braved the moonlight, and stepped forward, illumiating more of her features. She was younger then him, or at least looked better for her age than he did. Pert, Lively, and more importantly, Healthy. No bite marks, scratches, or pale color as far as he could see.

His concrete voice spoke again. "there was somone alive at 906? this place looked dead when i came through. thought everyone had peeled out or was... not quite alive."

"I had a friend who went over there to check for food." Her inflection noted that it wasn't just a 'friend'.

"how long have they been over there?"

"three days."

"most likely dead." he said offhandedly. He had seen enough of his personal circle to know better than hope.

She obviously hadn't. "He's still alive! Don't you fucking say that!"

"Look, no offense, But you're better off thinking him dead than otherwise." his jaw ground down a bit. playing the role of comforter was not his best suit.

"he's still alive! I know it! he just got pinned down when a whole bunch of them came 'round!"

he put a grimy finger to her lips. "you've been here, what, three days? I'm not saying he's gone, but there's no telling what's happened to him. going out there is dangerous." he sighed. " I shouldn't have done it, myself. But you're the first person i've seen in about five days, myself. Guess i needed the company."

her defensive pose gave way to a more Sublime acceptance, showing a certain happiness that someone else was there.

"Follow me." she said. "there's a basement, and there's no windows."

Grabbing the Backpack, He followed her through the house, on his way making a mental check of the defenses of the house. Doors were barred up, a bit better than what he did at his temporary occupation. either her or her "friend" had some knowledge of keeping people out. ground windows had some kind of wood over them, and there was at least an entrance/exit, as determined by his entrance into the house. He felt safe here, at least, safer than what he felt in the former house.

down a pair of stairs, me was met with a low-burning lamp affixed to a disposable propane tank.

"John said that the basement was best. No windows, and only one way in that can be barred shut."

"only one way out though, if they get in." he muttered without thinking.

She started to say something, but he cut in. "Safer than where i was, though. Damn place was made of Glass, i tell ya."

"well, the Stinsons were more known for Form than for thier Functionality." she grimaced.


"Stinson, as if Professor Stinson?"

"Yeah. Local Boy, huh?"

"Not really. Just know the name. Lived near the college, Enjoying the slacker life. Went there for a while, just enough to know better i guess." he gave a near-mirthless chuckle.

She obliged him with a kind laugh in return. "yeah. I grew up around here. Was in my first year of internship At Jones hospital. kind of a family thing... " she trailed off. from the guess of it, her family were most likely a pair of doctors of some sort, having both went to college, acquiring degrees, working at the same hospital. And, sadly, probably one of the first to have been exposed to whatever was going on with...with whatever the fuck was going on.

"i'm a bit north of here. small town place." In the back of his head, he knew that his Jarhead cousin was holding down the fort. that is, if he hadn't got the patriotic idea to help his fellow man and decided to voluntarily man one of the military roadblocks. those things ended up a Charnel House.

"yeah," she spoke. he actually paid attention to her for once. the gleaming color of her eyes in the lamplight, the voluble arch of her legs, the milkcream skin that hid underneath the dusting of grime, the lackadaisical way her golden brown bangs moved with a twist of her neck. there was a beauty there, and that comforted him. it'd So long since he saw something in this world that was beautiful. So beautiful... in all this decay.

" anyways, i' m sorry, we've not even met. my name's-" her next words were drowned out by the thoughts running through his head. Decay. Death. Destruction. Those bringing him back to the cold, hard reality of now. this was a war. God's war? Satan's War? Who knows? who Cares? It Was here, and they were a part of it.

"what's yours?"

he snapped to, imbitter and alert, to her next words.

"does it matter?"

on the pillow, he thought about the day. it would be like the last one, like the last one was, and the one before, and the one before. Get up. check the shoddily-erected barricades. stay out of sight. try not to make too much noise. Scrounge around for anything else he might have overlooked. day in, day out.

"well," he thought. "no use putting it off any longer."

he moved around the house during the night. it was easy once he learned how to navigate the place in the dark. Lights in the dark attracted them like flies to shit, and moving around the house wasn't too smart either. if One just happened to take note of movement through a window, it's make enough of a racket to call down hundreds more. If you've ever smelled the dead, one is enough. ten to twenty of them at your front door banging on it is enough to make one vomit. That is, if you're not already shitting yourself in the fear that those nails in the boards just might not be enough.

Moving around the day wasn't much better. It took balls, a light foot, and a face-to-face relationship with the floor. Taking twenty minutes to move from the bed down the stairs, past the livingroom, to the kitchen(why did the previous owners have to have that goddamned windowed patio door?) to get some canned carrots and crackers makes you put off those stomach pangs just a bit longer. at least until sundown.

He got stuck here in this ill-fortified house. The Last owners thought that if they threw enough money at the right people, they could get thier own personal police detail. it worked for a while, right up till the rest of the Valley got swarmed by the outpour of the Dead from the nearby College town that followed out the last of the refugees from said college town. He was one of those stragglers. Having found a nice rooftop with a defendable stairway,

He had built a lean-to out of what pieces of furniture there was in the dorm room complex. It could have been easier fi perhaps he would have settled for one of the dorm rooms, but those things were deathtraps once the shit hit the fan. Some kid Scored some white Horse, went to his girl's dorm, got high and fucked. Kid OD's, Comes back, eats her out in the literal Sense. Girl's Roomies found them, got bit, and the rest of the dormitory became a smogasboard.

So the story goes.

It had started getting colder, and the lean-to wasn't going to last the harsh Winter. So he went on the move, having armed himself With a .22 peashooter and as many rounds he could score for the two half-gallons of Rum he scavenged. He had his father's 12 gauge(sawed off so it's fit a backback), but not too many rounds left for them. At least with the rifle, ammo was more plentiful and traded more easily. On the way out of the city, He managed to lift a Nine and two clips off some would-be who looked like he tried to knock over Wal-mart crawling with the dead. it wasn't much, but it would keep the .22 stock from depleting. If nothing else, he'd rather chew on a short barrel than a long one if push came to shove.

with all that, and anythign else he could stash in a backpack, he set off out of the city, thinking he could hole up in some farmhouse's barnloft or something. at least out in the country, the dead were more spread out.

"i would've made it, too.", he cursed himself. "Shouldn't have stopped here for a food run."

slowly, he slinked back up the stairs in the dark, just like he did for the past five days, just out of sight of the figures shambling across the lawn, heading for the house across the street. Whoever was over there made a horrible mistake: for whatever desperate reason, They were using a flashlight to signal to someone on his side of the street. it caught the attention of the wrong set of eyes, and that one Was already over the chain link fence, crawling it's way to the door.

Watching the scene unfold from a bedroom window, he tore off a piece of duct Tape and taped a bottle stuffed with Paper Towels onto the end of the rifle. he'd made it a couple of days ago while bored in the townhouse. It wouldn't last much more than maybe ten rounds, but hopefully ten rounds would be all he need before they would get the hint and turn off the damn light.

Cracking open the window, the plastic bottle leveled at the closest one to the inept 'neighbors' Door.

"Please god, let it be a busty Woman, like in the movies."

And the first muffled Shot rang out...

let's get the funny stuff out of the way.

The Government wants you to be aware of a terrorist plot to blow up beer coolers.

And, interstingly enough... did you know that Jeffery Jones, Actor in such movies as ""Mom and Dad Save the World", Howard The Duck", "Beetlejuice", "Ferris Bueller's Day Off", and i think "Amadeus" is a Registered Sex offender? Neither did I. and if your curious as to who in your area(in IL, At least) is an RSO, Look Here.

and here is a little PSA: If you Cook Meth in your House, don't expect the Police to have any pity on you when someone breaks into your house. (Waiting for FARK to pick it up.)

anyways, went out tonight with the Jones boys, Salmo, Mama Celeste, and a few others to the various bars around c-town, and had a good time. beers were drank, stories were told, and fun was had. all of this is a precursor to the bash that will be tonight at Sal's House. and let me be the first to say on the Net: Sully is a kickass Northeast Seaboarder, if for nothing else than for the way he took to Stag. Anyways, i switched shifts so i can finally experience the Trash can cookout that the sal's have every year around this time, and i cannot wait.

SO... here's the part you prolly don't want to read.


i woke today from a dream that i liked. I will not describe it, but i will reassure you that it was not a wet dream of any sorts. But when i did finally wake, i could feel nothing but this aura of sadness. All i could feel is the way how everything i had has been slipping through my hands, and all i did was just open my hands ever the wider to let it go right on through.

i guess what i'm saying, i that i'm missing her. I shouldn't, becuase i at least get to talk to her and keep tabs on how she's doing, and i like that. I still feel important to her when i am kept in the loop with what's going on in her life.

but, i feel, i guess you could call it a pang of jealousy, somewhat put out that i don't intimately know what's going on with her. we give each other the broad strokes of what's going on with us, most likely to keep from burdening each other with our own personal problems. to dive too deep into each other right now would be emotional suicide for one or the other.

I miss that, though. Maybe i didn't know it right. Maybe i forgot a kind gesture or something, but i was listening. I was never able to help, as my experiences in life differed from hers, but i felt this Connection in the sense that she let me in, and that made me feel special. it made me feel that i did matter to her.

right now, i'd give anything to feel that way again.

I'm trying to make good on things that i've said. i'm not prefect, though, i'll admit that. I let my feelings bleed though in what i say, and i think that scares her off. it's almost funny... the more emotional i become, the more i end up pushing away those that i love.

i could write a book on what i feel right now, but all it would do i garner sympathy and make peope go "awww.... You should really go back to him, he's really hurting blah blah blah", which is not what i want to happen. all i'm doing is dumping my feelings. anyone who dares to try to interpret this as a way to go and "talk her" into coming back to me on my behalf is not truely someone who i should conisder a friend.

i want to write more, but honestly, i should just go to bed.

i guess...that i hope that one day, i can be the man she needs and wants me to be.


mdame



Did I tell you you're wonderful?
I miss you
yes I do
Did I tell you that I was wrong?
I was wrong
For so long long long