Four months since I lost this war.

An eternity since I told myself once again, "This is the price i promised myself i would pay".
Not to play the part of the victim.

Just an honest appraisal of events since transpired.

Hate and anger. it was supposed to destroy me in the end.

Funny. Hate and anger is all that has kept me alive now.

I know you are there. Just beyond the digital haze that has settled. Just beyond that wall that i helped build and you reinforced. Can you even hear me anymore? Would what I say matter? Would I'm sorry ever fit in this context? Would I ever hear it from you? This is just as much yours, as it is mine.

So sorry.
So sorry I wear my hurt so openly for so long.
You would have missed it otherwise i fear.
I'm not clever enough to mix it subtlety in with some hip band's lyrics that you'd "get".



Or have you forgiven yourself completely? Do you just come occasionally, just to pat yourself on the back and say "Well, i gave it my all, but he's fuckin crazy. No hope for him." Does it help you sleep at night? Because my bed's still cold (is yours?) Yet I still burn with endless rage. Burned into my head, that thought of the other. The other who enjoys you late into the night. Wears your stink. Pulled you up onto your knees. Talked down to you. Made me feel second-rate.

Denied me what was mine for so long.

Dead eyes see clearly; as they move through a life that was not supposed to be theirs. A body moves through the ether; going through the motions but not believing this was to be it's fate. Dying lips smile politely, lying to everyone about how they feel because what they feel is not wanted.

You tell me.

You.
Tell.
Me.


How was it worth it?

How do you absolve this?

all these years on
I'm still looking for answers in the dust of what was.
Hoping there was still something there.
because i need something there.
Something.
Anything.


This fallen champion, This disgraced hero.
He needs a reason to continue.



he's running out of excuses.